Not even close to who I thought I'd be,
feels like everyone is looking at me,
expecting more than what comes easily;
I can't give them what they want to see.

Relief does not come to me, it seems so,
that through motions of grief I must go.
Feeling pain so deep, feeling so low,
when it will stop, I do not know.

I feel changed down in my very core;
everything is feeling ever so sore.
I gave up on trying to keep score,
nothing seems to matter anymore.

All the things I used to want are gone
it used to matter, but now, so long.
Things do change and I was wrong
it seems after all, I'm not very strong.

It turns out that I am no longer the same
turning the tables on life's silly game.
I can't even say my mother's name
and there's no one in this world to blame.

Grief changes things, especially time,
as moments go slow or quick as a dime.
Wishing, thinking everything is fine
but really I'm drowning myself in wine.

I wish life was like a movie
Where the best moments were accompanied by perfect music; your heart
pitterpattering to the beat by serene sunset.

And when you met the one, When you held  him in your arms, youd get goosebumps. Thered be a spark; Your heart would stop,
for just a second.

And when you missed someone, they would miss you, too. When you saw them in your dreams they, too, would be tossing and turning, clearly yearning to be by your side.

But, no, sadly, this is real life.

It's been a week without you here
and honestly it's killing me, my dear.

If you count the nights
Look back in time
I try and remember when we were all fine
Before fun meant
Passed out drunk on the floor
Higher than ever before
Before fun meant
*** in the back of a car
We just wait next door
And now I see
You just replaced me
With every substance that you could see
So now do you see?
That I'm miss you
But are you missing me?

I'm scared to death of what comes next
But maybe it's not about how I feel.

I can hear the endless sounds
of my soul bleeding
and down the drain it goes
and all that was right
is now wrong
until it disappears completely
that's what it is
living alone
in a nether
with no family
with the world chewing you
ever so slowly
and pushing you back
in a trashcan "not normal"
or box for "socially acceptable"
and so called friends
lurking in shadows
waiting for you to fall
so they can salvage what is left
and you are alone
alone and your legs broken
that will teach you not to stand
alone and you will never be "home"
with bleeding soul
and heart so cold
that it gives you shivers
out of touch
and out of control
lets write him off as "lost"

looking back and forth
from you
   to her
     to them
        & the others
and i wonder...
who of you are sincere
which of you go home in complete & utter contentment?

   you...
wearing plastic smiles
             coifed hair
      painted eyes
   and lips
             gelled
     sprayed
          sprinkled &  spritzed
                   iron out
     blown out
      shaken & tousled
for what?

to add to the alcohol induced facade
   of the similar?

no, i am not unique

i'm just better at showing what's real
than most.