Depression is being so tired every minute of every day
that finding the energy to get out of bed is taxing.
Depression is not wanting to be around people you know you love
because the thought of explaining how you are really doing is heartbreaking.
Depression is drowning in an ocean of your thoughts
while everyone around you scolds you because you should ‘know how to swim.’
Depression is being so confused as to why you feel the way you do
because everyone declares that happiness is a choice you have to choose to make.
Depression is avoiding even looking in the mirror
because you’ve surpassed the point of self-hate.
Depression is being stranded on an island and having the tools to signal for help
but not being able to read the language of the instructions on the label.
Depression is being surrounded by people who love you
but feeling completely alone and unloved.

My life has evolved into something
I did not anticipate.
I find myself surrounded by people;
I'm always running late.
My grades aren't where I want them.
My talent isn't great.
My skin has become dull and worn.
Mediocre seems my fate.
The voices in my head overwhelm me.
Nothing can sedate it

I like order
I like organization
I like schedules
I like rules
I like balance
I like harmony

But recently                                   ,
    my life becomes                                         a whirlwind          .

Which   way   is   up

                   ?
    I can't find my  footing
...
                                                 ­          Where did
          the ground go                                                               ­      !

Thefloorissinking Itiscavingin
   I need to--
                         I need to find my rock.

We had never even talked;
I really only knew of you.
We passed by each other in the hallways,
Consumed by all we had to do.

Now, three years later,
I suddenly discover you are gone...
Makes me wonder if we had been friends,
Could you have found the will to carry on?

Maybe just a weak "hello"
Or a smile of silent understanding
Could have been enough to keep you here
When life had gotten more demanding.

I wonder if my friendship
Could have simply helped you to know
That life is hard for all of us
And that you were not alone.

The feelings must have been raw,
As the voices in your head got louder.
Maybe if you could have foreseen the fallout
You would have lived your life a little prouder.

I don't know what you went through
And I probably wouldn't have been a huge difference
But perhaps, for you, I could have been
Some sort of interference.

I'm praying for your families--
Because I wish you knew that you had two.
There was the one with the same last name
But also those friends who chose to love you.

I wish that you could see
How much everyone here is grieving
Asking what more they could have done
Just to keep you from leaving.

And I am sorry I couldn't help you
That you felt there was no other way--
And I wish I had given you a bit more thought
Than just finding out the other day.

Even though I didn't help you
I just wanted you to see:
In one day, you touched so many lives--
One of those being me.

God of peace
God above
God to praise
God to love

God of truth
God so near
God is pure
God is here

If I disappeared,
Would you turn back all the years?
Would you examine every moment,
Try to decode every tear?

If I left forever,
Would you even care?
Would there be any good about me
That you'd feel that you could share?

If I left tomorrow,
Would you be filled with sorrow?
Or would you say that I was selfish?
That I should have just been stronger?

If, all at once, I wasn't here,
Would you feel there was more you could've done?
Or would you shrug, perfectly geared,
Saying you did no wrong?

If you looked back on my calls for help,
Would you have seen the signs?
Or would you still be tunnel-visioned,
And unknowingly blind?

...I ask this because I want to know...

If I died,
Would you cry?
Or would you lie,
And say you tried?

I want to move on,
But I am stuck.
Stuck on the memories.
Stuck on what could've been.
Stuck on wondering what went wrong.
Stuck on wondering what more I could've done.

I am stuck on the way you made me laugh.
I am stuck on the way you held my hand.
I am stuck on the way you held me in your arms, as we gazed up at the stars on a cold December night.
I am stuck on our roadtrips and our perfectly imperfect duets.
I am stuck on who you empowered and encouraged me to be.
I am stuck on how you made me feel and who you were when I was falling in love.

Now, I see you,
And every time I do,
My heart breaks all over.
I see you talk to everyone else in the room, and bit by bit I fall apart inside.
I see you with other girls, encouraging them the way you did me at the beginning.
I see you moving on, completely unstuck,
Completely unphased by the torment I am in.

You made me genuinely happy.
Happier than I've ever been.
And I can choose to be joyful
and patient
and kind
and humble
and good,

But happiness is stuck in the past with you.

You had taken me so far
And I should have trusted you.
Instead, I turned my back, and so
Then you had to, too.

You had made me into a queen
But I did not fear the grave.
So, I decided I knew better...
And now I am a slave.

You had made me full of greatness.
But then I turned and fled.
Now I live in exile,
Tired, widowed, deserted.

I did not consider my future
When I decided to rebel against you.
They say the fall was astounding
And over time my sorrows grew.

So now what is left to do?
I have no one to comfort or help me.
Instead of keeping my eyes on you,
I decided to live life selfishly.

I am an average girl.
Ms. "Almost Exceptional,"
One point short,
Just barely missed the cut,
Poor girl.

I give all of my heart,
Yet not enough.
I find almost the perfect fit,
But not quite...
Right.

I am the optimistic pessimist.
The dream-filled cynic.
The cautious adventurer.
I fear the future and the potential
Of hope.

I cling to my desire for love
I wallow in my history of misery.
I want to be by myself
But not alone.
Adored, known,

And unabandoned.

The sandbox is filled
With toddlers just starting to yap.
They play, they eat, they cry
Then it’s time to take a nap…

The monkeybars are seen
With older children showing off.
They swing, they drop, they rise
They continue with their stuff.

The slide is now in focus
With pre-teen children climbing up.
They run, they jump, they laugh
They begin to develop.

The swing can now be seen
With adolescents hanging out.
They fly, they fall, they try.
They learn what love is about.

The grass is freshly cut
With young adults reading for class.
They see, they dream, they do
The hours quickly pass.

The path is occupied
With adults out for a jog.
They sweat, they win, they lose
The years become a fog.

The bench is where it ends
With an old woman in a wrap.
She knows, she speaks, she smiles
Then it’s time to take a nap…

He told us to get in the boat and go ahead of him.
Why wouldn't he just come with us?
We stayed in the boat all night.
How was he going to meet us on the other side?
As the sky turned to a lighter tinge of gray and the sun's rays began to stretch across the horizon, we saw something in the distance.
What was that?
It was a figure.
Who was that?
We were panic-stricken... "It's a ghost."
What did it want?
"Take courage," it said. "It is I. Don't be afraid."
Jesus?
"Lord, if it is you, tell me to come to you on the water."
How would that work?
"Come," he said.
Would this work?
I climbed over the edge of the boat and took a step onto the water.
Why wasn't I sinking?
I looked ahead towards Jesus and began to inch my way slowly towards him.
How is this happening?!
I turned and realized the wind.  A wave of fear overtook me.
What if I sink and He doesn't catch me?
I began to fall through the water. "Lord, save me!"
He's too far... what if I drown?
At once, a hand took hold of my arm. "You of little faith."
"Why did you doubt?"

*Why did I doubt?

I told you that I didn't like
the way you talked to me.
You told me to grow up
and not be so sensitive.

I told my teacher what was going on,
why I couldn't focus on my test.
She said excuses aren't welcome here.
She said grow up and do your best.

I told my mom what you told me.
She said I heard you wrong.
She said there's no way you would say that.
She said grow up and go along.

I told so many people...
But nobody would care to listen...
I sit here with an empty bottle...

...No one hears the voice of children.