Quickly, my vision was blurred by pathetic wetness
But my eye rejected such an emotional mess
So it pushed it into a ball and rolled it off of the
Little eyelashes that cling the lower eyelid

That ball of pitiful water must have been frightened,
or unsure if it wanted to exist or not,
Because it crept down my cheek as cautiously
As the first drops of a rainstorm fall precariously
from the heavy clouds

Numerous moments,
eternal and tremendous moments later
That bit of liquefied pit-of-the-stomach emptiness
had finally reached my jaw in a ticklish sort of way

I let my gaze wander to the floor,
curious to watch the descent of
the salty despair which saturated
the length of my face from the clinging eyelashes,
through my rounded cheeks, to my tickled jawline

Reluctantly, it let go of the minuscule hairs on my skin
and gravity pulled it down as far as it could
as gravity never ceases to do
Suddenly it was a speck hitting the floor

Upon impact, it splashed up in such a way
that the floor must have pushed up against
that hideous piece of pure emotion,
rejecting it as my eye has done

To the floor's dismay, gravity pulled that drop
of soiled ocean downward one final time.

As soon as it settled, fifty more tears
much more sure, and fearless
cascaded like an avalanche without wavering
Quickly, I was standing in a puddle.

... like obscure fuzz is surrounding my body
its the channel on the TV
that is black and white static
with the sound of no sound
taking away my ability
to hear the cheery banter
of the normal, tranquil people
who must be here
somewhere around me.

The ever buzzing fuzzing
static anxiety takes away
my ability to see
the people and things  
that used to make me smile.  

And I can't hear myself think
Over the sound my heart
beating intensely in an attempt
to get the hell out of me  

Out of this corpse inside
the obscure buzzing fuzzy
static electri-city  
that shares a name with me.

This hostile prison
I live in. The bars made
of the absolute worst
possibilities encapsulating me

The bars of fear and the
fuzzy buzzing static
stealing my time and tearing
the breath from my lungs


It's called anxiety.

Imagine
It isn't holding you back anymore.

Imagine
Your troubles are not troubling today.  

Imagine
Warm sunshine feels lovely on your face.

Imagine
The weight is gone and you can fly.  

Imagine
You wake up and feel ok

If you can imagine
you can make it happen.

The bad is in your head.  
Yet good is in there too.
The choice is up to you.

Am I too young to be this responsible,
yet worried and stressed and anxious?
I thought the crippling sense
of the entirety of life, love, death,
and all that lies in-between
does not infect a person
until her mid-life.

Here I am, creating ulcers
in my stomach and little else,
with adolescent acne on my cheeks,
a crush on the boy
in my spanish class,
and an analysis of
the inner workings
of the universe
consuming what little
thought space
I still possess.

Meanwhile those in mid-life,
with books full of
knowledge and experience,
cannot understand.

"Grow up,
be responsible,
fix the mess we left you,"
they chant every day.

Why can't they see in my eyes
that my attempts can
never
be
enough?

I can see your world
it is too big,
too complicated,
too negative,
I will not survive it at any rate.

The stress
will
eat
me
alive.

The stress
is eating
me alive.

I am too young for this.

Time stopped, and they were freed.

It began, it occurred, it ended.

We met, we danced, I left.

He did not st-st-stutter that day.

We craved, raved, craved more.

Born numb, pure; died filthy, happy.

A rose is soft
A rose smells sweet
A rose has thorns
A rose grows tall
A rose is pretty
But boy, I am no rose.

I am not a fragile flower
I am not so sweet
My thorns are not so obvious
And how dare you imply
That I am as simple as a rose

For a rose will die
It cannot survive the storm
A rose will crumble
In the summer heat
I am not so weak  

My skin is rough from work
Not soft like a rose
And I doubt you have ever
Brought a rose's petals
Up to your ignorant nose

A rose does not have blemishes
Or scars or character
Like I do. No a flower
Does not think for itself
I will never be like a rose for you

You call me rose
Because I am a girl
But a girl is not a flower
And this girl does not like flowers
So do not utter
The stereotypical words
You think (without much thought)
I must want to hear
If you do I will throw that rose on to the dirt and stomp on it.

I am not a rose.

If I give you a smile
will your smile shine back?

If I give you a passing glance
will you hold my gaze?

If I dream of you for weeks
would you (at least) dream of me for days?

If I gave you a lie
would you spit it right back?  

But if I give you the truth
will you reflect honesty?

If I give you these words
what would you say?

If I asked you to
could we spend a whole day?

If my hand brushes yours
will you hold it there?

If I give you my heart
would you give me yours?

Because I gave you my heart
the moment you smiled back at me.

I did…
will you?

Yes
I admit
You are broken

But I have a stockpile of band-aids
That I used to keep for myself
They are yours now

And yes,
You are hurt

But I have soft cherry lips
That can kiss pain away  
I will share them with you

And those broken bones of yours?
I have just the thing for them;
Arms that brace injuries with an embrace  

"What about my flaws?" you ask
For those, take a look into my magic mirror
That shows how perfect each flaw truly is

I cannot not forget
The dark hole you are stuck in
I know the feeling
And you can borrow my shovel

And when you need the strength
To dig yourself out,
Look into the blue of my eyes
I will help you carry on

I will do all that I can do
To put band-aids on your wounds
To kiss away the pain
To wrap up every injury
To dispel insecurities
To give you the tools you need

To help you help yourself

To give you the warm sunlight you need
In order to grow.

I lost the ***** that held my world together
There is no finding it now
And yes, I looked between the cushions of the couch
I prepare to run because
Like water through a busted dam it is coming
Like the pain of a stubbed toe it arrives in a furious instant
That asks for select curse words to be shouted
But so unlike pain in my toe, it does not fade
My world comes crashing down
The clouds in the sky fall
As dust onto my outstretched fingertips
(They hope to catch a bit of my falling world)
The atmosphere caves in
The air pressure intensifies
Until it has wrapped me
In a straight-jacket and
I
Am  
Paralyzed
I Search for your comforting eyes as you
Distantly ask me if I am okay I’m not
Okay but I cannot
Open my mouth
For the words to say because
I cannot move an inch to save you
Let alone myself
I couldn’t even save a
Word document right now
I try to scream but  
I
Can’t
Speak
And my world is crashing down
The water from the busted dam
Hits me like a concrete wall
My useless straight-jacketed body
Is swept away  
The water washes away all emotion  
I
Can’t
Feel
The sound of my demise is so loud
In my ears
I cannot hear you any longer
I
Can’t
Hear
The lack of oxygen
In my brain
Turns off the light  
I cannot see the stars
I
Can’t
See
Water everywhere
World crashing down
I
Am
Drowning
My heart beats too
Fast
Fast
Fast
I don’t have enough air to
Last
Last
Last
World
Crashing
Down
I
Can’t
Move
Can’t
Speak
Nor
Feel
Hear
See,
I
(Gasp)
Can’t
(Gasp)
Breathe.

Onward we run, through the darkness of the night.
Stumbling around on uneven ground
For we are blind men, searching for the light.

Looking for that which cannot be found (the light),
Together our feet and our hearts pound.
Onward we run, through the darkness of the night.

With our compass we know which way is right
But as we’re light-less North cannot be found
For we are blind men, searching for the light.

Against the terrors of the night we fight
Our eyes white with hope that we’re forward bound.
Onward we run, through the darkness of the night.

(The way our feet pound
On the frozen ground
What a hollow sound
If we could look ‘round
Bright thought would be found)

Never ceasing is our quest for might.
Our light is the hope that answers will be found.
Onward we run, through the darkness of the night,
For we are blind men, searching for the light

I stand alone in my driveway
why did you drive away?

The cold is pushing in.

The only warmth I possess
Is your heart in my chest
and all its love coursing through my veins.

When I wrapped my arms around you
could you tell
that my soft smile hides
that I'm going through hell?

When I wrapped my arms around you
did you know
that you are my life raft
and I couldn't let go?

When you told me you had to go,
could you see  
the vicious turmoil
that goodbye caused me?

When you surreally did go,
did you purposely
leave your taste on my lips
and your sweet scent on me?

When you did depart
did it tear you apart
the way it tore me
because you left with my heart
and you left me with yours.

Every day is a battle
That I might not win.
I want to give up.
I want to give in.

Sword is too heavy,
This armor; too weak.
My words won't save me
They're but a small squeak.

If I falter once
Will I surely fall?
If my armor rusts
Will you get the call?

What if this war can
Not be won? What if
It pushes me off
The edge of that cliff?

Foul enemy just
let me be. I will
Not surrender, this
Fight is for the ****.

Fight every battle;
I must win this war.
For it is my life
I'm fighting for.

Poetry because I think in terms of poems
Of stanzas and lines and lyrics
Poetry because it is there at my worst
And because it was there at my best  
It was there when my Grandpa died
And I couldn’t breathe for a week
It was there when I was at peace
And I got a glimpse of the universe
It was there for me when I didn’t want to be me
And I wanted to run away from myself
It was there for me when I was on top of the world
And I was the sky, the birds, the tops of the trees
and the belly of the clouds

Poetry because it is the sweetest music
The sweetest my ears have heard
Poetry because it flows from my soul
And because it makes the stars into diamonds,
The rivers into silver satin
The moon into a goddess
My thoughts into a river
Clear and crisp
Poetry because it allows me to dive in
Into that river
On a hot summer day
It allows me to cool down  
To swim in my thoughts
To feel  
To be free

Poetry because it is the best expression of me.

i wish for everything to stop.
                                                           ­                                   


                           ­                               just for a moment.

                                                               ­                                 
                               ­                                                                 ­                                 may i please press pause  
                                                         ­                           and go about my day with everything this way
                                                             ­                  a world captured in ice and wouldn't it be nice
                                                                ­      if i could view this exclusive art gallery so lovely
                      
                      
                  ­          a  
                    world   so  
               lonely,   just me
                    and      all
                           the                  
                                          icey  life.


and oh, if my thoughts could stop too if i could just view
the frozen moment through soley images in my empty mind no words or judgements to find
Ah, if the thoughts could stop.


i think what i wish for is quiet.
not the normal

s
     i  
        l
            e
                n
                      c
                           e

but complete:       silence.






shhh!**  
















quiet.  ........................­.................................................................­.................................................................­................. . . . . .............. ......................................... ....................................................... ............................. ........................ ... ...... .... ....... . ...  ................. ................................. ...... .. . . .......................... . ................. .  ........................ . . .  ......   ............ . .    ....     ...........................     . .......... .............. ... . . . .   ..   ...  ............... ...................... . . . .     .... .    .    ..... . ......... .......... ..........     .......... . . . . . . . ...................... . . . . . .       . ... . ...........     . . .. . . . . . . . . ........... . . .
 . .         . . . . .. . .  . .   . . .. . . .        ... . . . . .. . . . . . .     .. . . . .  . .. ..   .  .. .. . ..    . .  .   ... . ... . .. .. .      ... .. .. . . . . . . ... ... .. .. .         .        .. . . .   .  .  . .               .....     .     .       .      ..     ...      . . . .     . ..     .. .     . ....     ..     ...    ..   ..   ..      ..     .          ..       ..         ..        .        ...           .               .       ...     ..       .         ..       .    ...   ....  .      .        .
       . .          .                               .                  .  ­         ....        .          ..            .         ...      ­                .                      .      
. .              .                ..                               ­  ....                         ...                             .                 ..  .                          .
                                ­         .              ...                .. . . .            .                               .                                    .                          
­ .                     ..                                                     .                                                       .   .                              
       ..                                                     ...                                                              ­                                               .                  
                              .                                 ­                               ..                                ­        .. .                                                          
     ­  .   ..                                                           ­                 

                                              ­                                                          . .
                                                             .
                                                               ­                                                                 ­                        ..
                      ....

                                    ­                                                                 ­                       .               
    ..                                                               ­            .
.
                                                             ­                                                                 ­       ....
                        ...

                    ..         ­                        ..                       
                                       ­                                                                 ­           .                                                     ­        
                                                                ­                                                                 ­                  

...


                                       ­                                                                 ­      .              ..
..




.                           .                                                                ­                                

                                                               ­                                                                 ­                                                ...





.                                                         ..                                                   


                            


       .
            .                      
       




                                                    ­                                                                 ­                      
.















                         ­                                                .










... just

You say my past doesn't matter to you; you never knew that me.
But these scars on my arms and legs, though they are from the past, they are me.
And that depression I told you was gone? It is still here, still me.
That girl who cannot trust you enough to do a trust fall, that's me.
So when I show you my arms and say this is me, don't you dare look away.
My past made me who I am today. My past is me.

On this day of independance
I wear a shirt depicting the stars and stripes
I bought it at a department store depicting conformity and consumerism
I wear a bracelet made out of pennies, eight shiny Abe Lincolns
His faces looks up at me and speak of capitalism,
They whisper that pennies are all anyone has anymore.
My uncle yells "Happy Fouth!"
As he is brought forth another excuse to get drunk
And we light these fireworks as if they are exciting
As if we aren't just another typical family of American dreamers
Who keep blindly reaching for the elusive American dream.

Do you see that space
On the right side of my bed
That empty, lonely space?
I left it there for you  
Along with the expectant pillow
Perfectly plush, puffed up
No imprint of a head
Because you have yet to lay yours on it.

Do you see my bed
As half empty or
As half full?
Either way it is at half
Of its true potential
Will you fill this bed full?

Contrary to popular belief
The right side of my bed
Is not provacative
Although it is inviting
My cool bed sheet
Beckons with
Whispers of innocence
Not to take and be taken
But to have and to hold
Just warm embraces
To keep out the cold
Nothing more.

Do you see the light
In my window
Will it help you
Find your way
A north star to guide you
Over so you may stay
Will you find your way over
Through the moonless night?

Can you hear me
Whispering your name?
And when I say the word
Love
Do you know I am
Saying your name?  

Will forces of what you call luck
Forces of what I call destiny
Make you see;
The empty space
With the puffed up pillow
The innocently half full bed
To have and to hold in and
The light that shines for you
In my window
Will it make you hear
Me whisper your name and love
all the same?

(I can almost see you laying next to me,
your outline throught the veil of the dark
and I can almost smell your musk
and I can almost hear you softly breathing,
your heart beat in tune with mine)

Will you come over
Fill the empty space
Softly press your
Head on my pillow
So that it will remember your shape
Will you fill the bed but
Keep it innocent by only
Filling it with an embrace
Will you have and hold me
Will I have and hold you too?

Will you climb
Through my window
Turning off the light
As you come
For it will have served its purpose
Will we both whisper love
and each other's name
All the same?
Be it luck or destiny
Will I find you next to me
To have and to hold
To fill that space?

Yes
Sadly
As proven
All good things
Must come to an end

But
They do
So, only
So that bad things
May come to an end too.

The music pouring out the open window
Drum beats attacking the air
But is isn’t loud enough
Not loud enough to erase
The memories made in that place
No one can leave one’s mind
But one can leave their state of mind
You’re cute, you’re kind
What goes on in that mind?
It’s mostly a battle you’ll never find
The car is aimed right for the coast
It will coast right off into the ocean  
No one to hear the sigh of relief when
Eyes see that first glimpse of the sea
Don’t worry, I worry enough for two of me
I’m looking for a new me
A not so **** blue me
A bird that is in flight
Not a bird that already flew  
How can I start anew
When I'm only getting older
The music gets softer, not bolder
Soon the beat has got me beat
The wind flying through the window
Too quickly, I can't breathe, oh
Into the ocean I go.

A glance in the rear view mirror
A turn signal ticking and clicking like a clock
Foot off the gas now
Break a little
Slow down
The world dances around
As the car turns
Straightens up
Speeds up  
Fingers grip the steering wheel  
As if it were a life raft in the ocean,
With no sight of the shore.
A foot wants to push  
The gas pedal to the floor.
The rational mind
Is firm, but kind
Slow down, calm down
It says  
But the emotional mind won’t listen
Down,
Upset
Set upside down
The right side falls down
The wrong side jumps up
The emotional mind  
Takes control
Go
Just drive
Feeling more lost
Yet more alive
The eyes watch as the car
Swallows the never-ending highway  
Going away
Leave that place behind
The though of going back
Sickens the mind
And the fingers grip tighter
The foot, leaden, gets heavier
The fire burns brighter
Go  
Just drive  
Leave the past behind
But it is still here in the mind
If only
One could
Go
Just drive
Away from one’s mind.

When I was young I learned to count numbers on my fingers.
                 As I got older I learned to count calories in my stomach.
When I was young I ran for fun.
                  Now I run in the hope that I can run away from jiggly thighs.
When I was young I didn't know what the words 'body image' meant.
                 As I got older those words sat in my mirror and waited for even my slightest glance to
                 torture me.
When I was young I loved mac 'n' cheese.
                Now I refuse it through my stomach's growling because it is just too many calories.  
When I was young candy was a treat and a delight to eat.
                 As I got older sweets got bitter and with every candy wrapper came another pound of
                 hatred.
When I was young I did not know or care that I was fat.
                 Now I know it and care about it every second of my life.
                 I've learned to put down the fork and pick up the knife.

"You're too young to know what love is."
I hear it now more than ever
I've heard it many times before
But all I know is what I know and I know that this feels like love.

And someday later I may find
that what I know is not what I once knew
and that, no, I didn't know what love is.
But 'til that day comes I will let this fire burn beautifully like a rising and setting sun all in one,
or maybe it is more of a glow like the moon and a twinkle like the stars they twinkle like his eyes but
whatever it may be it is all I know
and I can only go
off of what know so
maybe I do know what love is.
This is love
he is love
we are love.
Yes, this is love
to me
faithfully
until what I know proves otherwise.

I lost my mind
Oh, but the wonderful wonders
I stumble upon through my blunders
Oh, the thoughts I do find
When I lose my mind.

We were less like party
More like animals
Logic made unclear
By clear alcohol
Transparent fuel
Lighting fires
Creating smoke
So opaque and
In the morning
I press replay
And hope for
Blackout smoke
But find that  
Clear as the
Glass bottle
My memories
Came back to me
But I wish they
Would have gone
Away as quickly
As the clear
Went down our
Throats that night.

the ***** burnt my insides
like strong fuel intensifying my fire
blurred dancing, laughing
jump, jump, jump higher

the wide eyes surrounding me
as I proved I could chug a beer,
the bubbles meant to lift me
only drown me, my dear

*** took over my limbs
moved my lips so close to yours
told me to forget about him
it turned us all into ******

and regret rises in our throats
yellow bile ***** hangover
seasickness is absent on my boat
but regret is a tsunami washing over

I drown, hands up in plea
I was with you not him
but still he forgives me
that makes one of us, not three.

Your too sweet love
Pours over me
Like fake amber maple syrup
I'm starting to drown in the thickness of it.

I gasp for air and ask for help
But you don't know why
And my scars are a mystery to you
And my drug is invisible to you.

You turn away and blindly say
You don't know that part of me and you don't care to.

You know me like you know the moon;
You’ve only ever seen it at night,
In the same light,
You have only viewed one side.

And I’ve been everywhere,
Even to the dark side of the moon
And I tell you about it
I’m stranded here but you refuse to believe it.

It is as if I'm asking you
To drink poison,
How could you tarnish
Your perfect image of me?

So you keep walking
With your head in the clouds
Oblivious to my calls below
While I try to bring you back down.

Woe-is-me as I earnestly
Remind you: your feet are on the ground.

You don’t love me,
You love that photo shopped,
Made-up,
Torn and frayed picture of me.

Yet I cannot make you see the truth,
So I cling to the
Overly sweet love you give me,
This maple syrup is all I have left.

You hold me so moldily
Just like the too-ripe fruit in the bowl in my pantry.

I might as well try
So here I go again
Trying to convince you
Of the dark side of the moon.

But you never
Had ears for me
Only eyes for me
And petty lies for me.

You always told me
You wanted to travel
To the moon,
But here I am,
Alone and trying to build a rocket ship.

How can I let you down,
Let you down easy.
You are heavy in my arms
I can't carry both of us
We both fall down.

You draw another line in the sand
I take a step back, wepon in my hand.
I don't want to hurt you
All you ever did was love me
Protect me, make me feel worthy.
But I can't return the favor
All I can taste is the wrong flavor
And I should tell you why...

But how can I let you down,
Let you down easy.
I need to let you go
Before you get too hurt
I whisper my apologies
As I let you down,
This is not easy.

They say today is a gift,
Thats why we call it present.
But today I fell back into the pit
And got laughed at for it.
You uttered a few simple,
Insincere words and
Offered me only those words
As if they were comforting.
It was a whoops-
I-just-tried-to-put-
my-pants-on-as-a-shirt
kind of day. I recieved
A slap from a chicken,
And almost experienced
Death by guitar.  
I tried to rise above it
But I tripped an fell instead.
No, the present wasn't a gift
Not today.

My guitar sits in the corner,
It beckons me over.
Ah, but the strings might need tuning
Even though they rarely do.

A song grows in my head,
A seedy little idea.
But the melody has not come to me
Even though a few strums would find it.

And who am I kidding,
Tuning strings is like tying shoe laces;
Quick, easy, neccesary to get me places.
I like tuning my guitar.

And this song is more than an idea
It is a fire that needs fuel.
I suppose guitars make good fires,
As long as there is no snapping of wires.

This fire is about you.
It burns bright
Brings me fright
What if I can't stop it?
But what if I don't want to?

My guitar is no longer in the corner.
It found its way into the fire.
The crackle, a perfect melody.
The light, an illuminating song.
The heat, unstoppable,
Just as it should be.

It is night time
has been for awhile
but boy, when you
look at me and smile
the moon shines brighter.

I was stuck in the dark
A child whose night-light
burned out, left trapped
on an island, hoping
for day to come,
and with it the sun so
maybe I could see the sea
I need to swim through
to get to better places

But it is still night time
unfortunately the sun
still does not shine
but when your
lips meet mine
the moon shines brighter

I love the stars
And I hate the stars
For they twinkle beautifully
Always barely out of reach
and I reached for the stars
just like they told me to
but with the moon
as my witness  
my arm stretched
not far enough,
never far enough.

It is still night
but rather than
hiding under
the veil of the stars
I dance in the moon light
because maybe I'm alright
When I look into your eyes
They know not of any lies
They whisper I love you  
And the moon shines brighter.

As if this scalding hot coffee
In my hands
Could somehow
Drastically change my existence

This could be my therapy
If I could be
Worth the effort it would take
To fix me, the mistake.

Can't go forward
Can't  go back

Glance in whichever
Direction one wants

Can't go forward
Can't go back

So live in the moment
Like a heart attack

I don’t want to go to sleep
I wish to sit and weep
And watch the moon creep
In an arc across the sky
I want to cry

I don’t want to go to bed
Not with the buzzing thoughts in my head
And the tears slowly drying on my face
As I gaze into outer space

I don’t want to sleep tonight
I wish to look upon the differences
Between a star and a satellite
They both shine bright
Up in the night sky

I don’t want to close my eyes
To suddenly wake with surprise
Because I must have fallen asleep
So much for counting sheep

To dreamland, I don’t want to go
I just want to memorize the world outside my window
Then go wander in the place I now know
But it is dark and I don’t yet know

I don’t want to rest my head
Upon a pillow upon my bed
I just want to see until my eyes turn red
And my hunger for grief is fed

I don’t want to rest my body and brain
As I am feeling such pain
As the rooftop sings with rain
And my tears roll like a train
Down tracks of water on my face

I don’t want to go to sleep
If it means dreaming
That you are still alive
Only to wake up screaming
Because you’re not.

Soft red petals once freed put back into a cage, the rose is
Taken away from that which makes it thrive  
Without soil, rain, and sunshine
Sweet songs won’t be sung
The rose won’t bloom  
Backwards through
Time it retracts
Beauty gone
In ruin
A lost  
Bud.
But  
With
This  
It has
A chance
To restart
To grow and
Rise from the
Ashes that once
Swallowed it whole
The bud can still bloom
There is always room for healing
With sunshine and rain it’ll thrive
In order to open again it must first close
“As though a rose would shut, and be a bud again.”

Oh, creativity
Why hast thou left me?
I should be writing
A photoem
But without creativity here with me  
I cannot see
My brain cannot
Change these images
Into words, lines, stanzas
Without the translator
Of creativity

Oh, creativity
For too long you have been gone
One may say I am stumped
Or infected with writers block
But I say creativity
Went off on an errand
And here I am watching the clock  
Waiting
For its glorious return
But
Hmm, creativity
I’m afraid I realized something
Maybe it was I
Who left you
Not the other way around
And my sight drops to the ground
I did not mean to leave you
To loose you
I never meant to hurt
Or bruise you
So, what say you,
Creativity
I’m sorry and
Now that I
Am back
Will you join me?