I can't unlove because I am
Impatient, selfish.
I love as if I cannot be hurt.
Going on as if nothing is wrong.
I cannot unlove because I know not how.
I spend my nights awake dreaming of how everything should have been.
The speeches I have amongst myself
Lost in complete darkness.
Accepting the sound of my voice as an I told you so.
Seeking a dream that seems so far away.
I can't unlove because I accept disappointment.
The contempt of putting others first without fear.
I truly believe I cannot unlove because I am in love.
Young again in thought running wild, free.
I consider it a perk.
Being the only other person I know how to be.
No longer embarrassed of facing the opposite end of the mirror.
Finding that the most important things bring the most smiles.
I am far from perfect
But I cannot unlove as if I made some sort of mistake.
Purposely mistaking myself as a fool

I wish for the temporary love
Where it only last a night
The pleasure passes time
much better than thinking of him
My mistake
They are like cuts the saliva of the stranger's kiss could heal
or just soothe for a night
as they kiss my neck, my shoulder, the outline of my body
Only to wake up in the morning thinking of him

It's like
I haven't seen you in so long
But even that's a lie.

I've seen your past in pictures
and I've see your present
In Facebook updates.
Seen your new happy
so close to your old sad.

And even when I tear myself
from the screen,
there still remains
the imprint of your face
burned into the inside of my
eyelids, so that
Everytime I want to look at NOTHING,
I see you.

Everytime
I rub my eyes,
or wash my face,
I'm haunted by your look.

When I try to sleep,
I see you staring back.

It's like Everytime I sneeze,
my body wills me into
catching a glimpse of you.

And even when I beat myself into dead slumber,
you burrow through my optic stems, claw into my cortex,
and sink your teeth into my very dreams.  

I wake up, too shaken to scream,
too weak for words, and still,
somehow, I manage to spell your name
on my back and on my sheets,
in trickling droplets of sweat.  

You linger in my mind like nuclear fallout.

I tell myself,
Maybe one day
I'll brave Old Chernobyl.
I'll pass by the radioactive signs,
the wise warnings, without fear or worry.
I'll use my coward's camera to capture
preserved pockets of the past, looking,
helplessly, for the secret to having loved you,
and maybe even the secret
to forgetting you.

But even that's a lie.

Tossing & turning on this twin size bed,
I wake up furiously ***** & hungry.
Unable to truly satiate either.
How do I turn this black light off?
Through poetry & delusion,
I remembered to brush my hair.
A small sign that madness isn’t winning.
I long for late night Waffle House, sweet ***, the ecstasy that is your laugh & deep sleep.
To doze safely in your arms as the sun rises
& be comfortable believing
That your love isn’t a dream.

My Name is Kayla  
It is 3:20am
Im in Killeen, TX

We always wonder why God allows us to go through certain things.
Like a health issue, losing our job or getting our heart broken by a man or woman we loved.
The pain from these different situations will make you want to cave.
Feel like you're losing your mind.
Constantly plaguing it with "whys".
Have you in tears and keeping you up many late nights.

It just always seems so unfair.
You're a good person but are always filled with such great hopelessness and despair.
Asking yourself "Does God notice my burdens? Does He really care?"
You're never suppose to question God but sometimes you wish you could have a face to face meeting so you can understand Him more clearly.
They say everything happens for a reason.
And you always get what's meant for you in due season.
Still when you're reeling in pain it's tough to keep a positive mentality.
It's easier to just curl up in a ball and indulge in a self pity party.

But despite your flesh hurting, your spirit knows there's a purpose.
A purpose that is all a part of God's plan.
For He knows exactly how much we can bear.
And will never exceed our strength's capacity nor our inner will's limit to keep going despite adversities.
Sometimes God allows certain situations to occur to help mold us into what we're destined to be.
Every tear, hurt, pain and worry all serve their purpose to help towards fulfilling our destiny.
So many successful people always say certain pains and setbacks helped propel them to who they are today.  
This is when the saying "everything happens for a reason" comes back into play.  

God makes no mistakes.
He is the key to our lives being fruitful.
Supplying us daily with favor, mercy and grace.
So though we may be hurting and feel like we're at our end.
We must continue to fight on, have faith and believe.
There's purpose in our pain that God is going to manifest for us individually to see; how it all was necessary to become what He created each one of us to be.

What am I doing with my life.
Torn.
Between the life I have made for myself and the life of an immature man's dreams.
What have I done to myself? Surely this is not a healthy venture. Do I continue to follow the dreams, or do I lay down, content with the reality I live in?
They warn that the mind of sobriety is the clearest, but maybe that is a lie?
The inebriated mind seems to be the clearer of the two. Then again, it's the intoxicated one thinking right now.
It does so seem that the current mental state understands emotional matters just a smidge more.
Maybe just more in tune, no filter. No white noise interrupting.