you ******* twinkled at me
and you knew, so you did it again

You were meant to love me
to tell me how beautiful I was becoming
rather than tell me
you dont like this or that about me.
You were meant to show me
how a man should treat me.
And it is no wonder,
the men I fall for
are just like you.
You were meant to calm my fears
of not being good enough
not cause them.
You were meant to raise me
in a safe place, with care
instead, you abandoned me.
You were meant to be a teacher
gentle and kind,
instead all you've taught me
is how not to be.

And so if I swear,
and curse your name
F word,
bane of my existence,
Remember all the things
you were meant to do for me
that you didn't do.

they walk by holding hands
laughing
sometimes stopping
to steal a kiss
below the neon
of the city
and here I am
alone, watching
it would be easy to be bitter
but I'm happy for them
because I remember
how it felt
to have someone
to walk with
and it's beautiful, really
how we move in and out
of people's lives
temporary connections
can live forever
as long as we want
to remember

I'm sorry I took your virginity, it's just that
I was so sad and we were so drunk and you were so eager,
and I kind of thought it was cute that it was your first time
and it kind of went to my head that you wanted me to be your first,
and you were warm when I was cold
and you were dry when I was drowning
and now I fear that I've chilled you and drug you into the water with me,
and do your bones ache like mine yet?

You left bruises on my thighs;
that's not a metaphor,
I have blue splotches where you held me
and I've never been ****** like that,
never been ****** like I was supposed to enjoy it.
You were the first person to ever care if I was comfortable,
you were the first person I ever laughed with during ***,
you were the first person I ever laid with afterwards
and you let me hold your hand and rest my head on your chest
and your heart was beating so hard
and the room was dark
until we had to find our clothes scattered on the floor,
and you laughed when I tried to hide myself
and I guess it's just easier for me to show myself when the lights are off,
when you can't see my scars,
Jesus Christ I hope you didn't see my scars,
those are the only piece of myself I care about keeping private.

You dropped me off at home later
and as I got out of the car you thanked me and I just laughed
because I didn't know how to say that
I don't want you to think of it as a favor,
I didn't ******* out of pity,
I ****** you out of loneliness and ***** and cold hands,
and I'm sorry I took your virginity but you were the best I ever had.

but
     I
      want
               to
                 sin
                     on
                         every
                                  inch
                                        of
                                           your
                                                 body.

Don't
  you
have
   some
other
  ****
to
  ****
for
endorsement?

"Forever?"* is too long;
"Love me?" is too difficult;
"Stay?" is too needy;
"Hold me?" is too awkward...

Some how my questions are always wrong,
I just want to regain the love that I once felt;
But I'm left with broken bones and broken heart on the ground pleading,
And he dusts himself off, walking away telling me to *"keep going onward."

this is me,
leaving you.
not because
i do not love you,
but because
i love myself,
too.

i learned
that my heart
is as large
as my fist,
but that
doesn't mean
that it is
as strong