i left the same day that the wildfires clouded your skies with orange dust, dirt, and debris
how fitting
they always say the weather matches your mood
in the same way the smoke from the fires was ripping through the air
i, too, was being ripped from your embrace
i felt the smoke fill my lungs as i gasped for breath
or maybe it was a cry for help
i like to think of it as mother nature placing a veil over what could’ve been
in a way she protected me
i didn’t have to face you as i left

it’s more than just a happy song

i don’t know how to write a poem when i’m happy
but if i did, it would be called "strawberry swing"
i’ve had this title in my head for two years now
because an unexplained feeling always engulfs me when i hear that song
probably because it reminds me of that day

we went to the lake
but funny enough
that’s what i remember the least
what do i remember?

well, first, i remember turning into the wrong parking lot
hoping we were lost
so we could stay there longer
hoping the forecast for rain would hit
so we could “sit in the car and wait for it to blow over”

i remember the curving country roads that you drove around
(probably a little too fast—but that’s okay, it added to the thrill, to the excitement in my heart)
that wound for miles with no end in sight
which i was perfectly fine with
as i sat in the passenger seat listening to you hum along to the playlist we made together

i remember it was late june, early summer
warm enough to have the windows down
warm enough to see the sun dance across the windshield before speckling our skin, our eyes with light
the same sun that i noticed, for the first time, called your freckles out of hiding
warm enough for the car to get just a little bit too hot once we returned
but i didn’t care as long as you were in it

i remember having a conversation and being surprised that you were looking at me while i spoke
nodding your head along
smiling
inquiring
interested in me
i remember thinking that was a new feeling

i remember the closer and closer we got to home
the more and more excuses i tried to come up with in my head to get you to stay
how many red lights could we hit?
do you need to fill up on gas?
will all the street parking outside my house be full?
(so we can circle the block
even 5 more seconds will suffice)

well, we sat there for a while
you wanted to stay longer
making small talk like we did for months
neither of us wanted to leave
what are you doing later?
have you heard this song?
are you free any other days this week?

but we didn’t want this week
we wanted today
right now
this moment

it’s such a perfect day

the first night you came over
after a few drinks of warm seltzer
i ran into the bathroom, gripped the sink, stared at myself in the mirror and said, “he is going to love me like i deserve”
i casually walked back to the living room, picked up my can, and drank the warm seltzer
the taste of the best summer of my life

now, as i sit here writing, it’s been over a year, and he does in fact love me like i deserve
yet i am here, running into my bathroom, gripping the sink, staring at myself in the mirror, and wishing that there was another body in the frame next to mine
i casually walk back to the living room, pick up my phone, and open the countdown app for the fifth time today to look at the number of days until i can see you again
16 days
that’s better than 31 like last time

if you ask me what the taste of the summer is for this summer
i’d tell you “longing”
but really, i’d be wishing it was warm seltzer
warm on your breath as you pulled me closer into you and whispered something in my ear

The start of one thing
The end of another
“Love is only a feeling,” they say
And i’m starting to believe it

Do I remember this day as the start of something good
Or do I remember it as the end of something better
No
Rather than making it about you
Or you
I’m making it about me for once

No more reminiscing on what could have been
No more sifting through different versions of the same story in my head
From now on, this will not be a day to dwell on the past, but rather to embrace the future

Love is only a feeling?
I will never believe it.
Love is a force stronger than the sun, moon, and all the stars
And one day it will come back

i step out of your car and my stomach immediately drops to the floor
like that moment on a roller coaster
we’re trying to be just friends right now
each time we’ve hung out, it reminds me why we can’t be just friends
i want more
i need more
friends don’t leave other friends with an awkward silence and a sadness that stays with them all night
i used to step out of your car feeling happy and fulfilled
but now i am longing for more
while i sit around and wait to hear from you again
because waiting is better than not having you in my life at all

the last night we spent together
i was asleep
you had to park and walk because there were no empty spaces

the next morning i drove you to your car
and i dropped you off
and i drove back home
and i had absolutely no idea that was the last time

that was the only time that you ever had to park that far away
you always found a space up close
i never had to drive you to your car
only walk you to the door
give you a hug
and say, “See you later!”

it was weird
your car wasn’t even that far away
just in the next parking lot over
but i wish i could get those 2 minutes back
i wish there was an empty space
then maybe the distance wouldn’t manifest itself

writing doesn’t come to me in all the most conventional moments i guess
staring at myself in the bathroom mirror
feeling thoughts approach me stronger than they have in a while

i mutter a quiet, “what is happening”
i haven’t felt this way in a while
followed by a more assured, “i need to write”
this is the only way to combat the noise

you see, for me, writing isn’t fueled by every day occurrences, or inspiration from the world around me
it’s fueled by my body being engulfed by thoughts
happiness, sadness, anger, anything really
thoughts standing in my brain, crawling into my face, jumping into my throat, heart, lungs,
until they’ve taken over

i can’t control when i write, just like i can’t control when thoughts come
why did they come today?
maybe it’s because i didn’t have someone next to me when i woke up
maybe it’s because i’m unsure of what the future holds

whatever the case might be,
i want to thank you, thoughts
thank you for giving me the power to write
and i want to thank you, self
thank you for not dismissing thoughts