I knew everything had an expiry date.

But I thought things would be
different this time.

That they are different.

Perhaps I revealed  too much.
Perhaps I said  too little.
Perhaps I laughed too loud.
Perhaps I was gone  too often.
Perhaps I was who I am.

I see the end that I never thought I'd see.

Easy comfort and connection
now something that makes me
feel like an outcast.

Desiring to stay longer
becomes wanting to hide away faster.

Not showing my face,
not getting silence in return,
hearing whispers,
seeing those looks that I've never seen,
Not on their faces,
Not when it comes to me.

I should've known.

I can't do this anymore.

I had hope.

I need a welcoming warmth,
an easy connection.

Too weak for anything else,
cried too much,
for way too long.

**Alas, the date has surfaced.
We've reached an expiry.

A thousand and one ways I've said,
a thousand and none you comprehend.

How can I say,
such that you'd see?

How can I say,
such that you'll understand,
that I'm not made for this,
not made of love and kindness,
not made for love,
not made for this at all.

I ache where it hurts most,
a dark cloud of storm,
a black heart pawned,
no hope to see through wrong.

They said hearts weren't made for sleeves,
and I trusted none of it.

I bared and I cared,
then I saw,
the world that tromped,
mercy far from reach,
pain stitching into skin,
darkness looming forth.

I took it all in,
a canvass of chance,
forfeited through time.

Let me live,
let me free.
no more pain,
no more pain,
tears re-tracked,
mirth re-planned,
let me live,
let me free.

If you were to tell me,
that the world I'm in,
was but conjured,
would I let loose and live free?

If you were to tell me,
that all I've seen,
was but trial,
would I concede in glee?

If you were to tell me,
that all I've felt,
was but concocted in my haze of thoughts,
would I doubt and flee?

But if you were to see,
that in the vast oceans and seas,
all I've wanted was but to plea;
a wee lass such as me,
neither delicate like a pea,
nor sturdy like a tree,
but a wreck much like thee,
that there's a key,
one that opens those doors wide,
in time before long,
and welcomes me,
ardently.

Some days,
I wished I never lived to feel this pain.

Some days,
I look up,
And see the majesticity
of an entity so wide,
it covers the Earth whole.

Some days,
it weeps so sorrowfully,
wind picks up and starts blazing.

Some days,
the haze thickens,
hiding true intent and
unaccidental fortunes.

And it causes an ache in my icy chest.

It brings a reminder of
a world that'll meet its end,
and a life that
doesn't seem to see an end.

Some days,
I sit,
awed,
wishing that if the sky is my only reprieve,
then some day,
to be raised and swallowed whole,
flouncing among those
weightless clouds,
and it'll be such a wonderland,
of hope,
of joy,
for this
soul o' mine.

Some days,
I sit staring at an impossible dream,
from a sight so glorious it overwhelms
and pushes me to an edge,
a brink of
free fall.

And just another day
never seem to come again.

Wounds and battle scars,
unknown to any,
a dark secret.

Couldn't tell,
couldn't reach out,
hatred grew.

A created beauty,
from layers of armour,
none to be seen in front of that cracked mirror.

Anger, pain, frustration,
a muse for despair.

I chopped it off,
in that state of anger,
thick locks of hair carelessly strewn in a trash bag,
steam escaping underneath the bathroom door.

In grave despair,
fragile and susceptible,
a great roar came,
from the one most loved.

It scared me to the bones,
shaking and in tears.

Laughing,
alone,
between four walls,
light streaming through the window,
at dawn or nightfall,
it doesn't seem to matter.

Crying,
alone,
between four walls,
dark and cold,
back backed to a wall,
curled like a ball.

The roar of a beloved,
came like the wind,
swift and impactful,
It was a strike to the core,
a backlash for all the expectations,
unspoken words of love
and sacrifices.

Dark secrets and battle scars?
I bore it all for you.
The pain you'd feel,
unspeakable and unimaginable.

I knew and I withheld,
yet for something seemingly trivial,
your bark shook me to the core.

I was afraid.

Like a child with trauma,
it suddenly came to me,
reverberating in my ears,
through the laughter on my laptop screen
A dark ominous feeling rose in my chest,
fear overwhelms,
afraid you'd might come again.

Blanketed and backed against a wall,
I realised the secrets
kept me from love,
and vehemently wished it dispelled,
from memories I held.

A locked chest,
a key thrown?

A nonexistent chest,
And a consuming pain.

Then maybe,
as I realised how my time cooped up,
in despair,
keeping to myself has past
as my hair grew down my back,
thinking that its enough to have people at my funeral,
enough at that,
that its okay none would cry,
that no one has truly loved me for who I am,
that I can't be loved for who I am,
for the scars I bear,
for who I've come to be,
then maybe,
when there are no recollection of that past,
I'd be able to live,
see past despair,
and achieve dreams I never had,
make my imaginations reality,
be positive and a lovable company,
then maybe I'd be able to pursue living like I never had.

Layer by layer,
a support system,
and safety coverage,
much like
an encouraging armour.

I piled them on,
layer by layer.

Coloured cream,
every inch,
every corner,
explored by the wisp of a soft brush,
caressing and comforting.

Stroke by stroke,
black ink on tapered brushes,
forms a full pair,
and prominent curls that
softly flutters.

Such lovely coyness.

Stroke by stroke,
a staining motion,
softly presses,
while trailing a curved path
with eyes lowered.

Truly,
the cheapest thrill a woman has.

Hands running through,
pulling yet gentle,
of soft brown curls.

A spritz from a glass vial,
neck daintily stretched,
eyes contently shut.

The light fragrance flirts in the air,
a flowery scent,
musky and sweet.

An over-sized pullover,
cotton hides luscious curves,
drawing eyes to every inch of
skin exposed.

A shiver contained,
from the ruffling of the material,
and intense flames behind watching eyes.

A deep intake of air,
eyes meeting through the mirror.

As though gears clicked into place,
an indulgent smile displays.

*"Come here," he said.

There's nothing beyond the world you sculpt,
a bed of roses,
drenched in lies,
prepped by knives.

So carefully shaped,
so carelessly grown.

Every nook and crevice,
give me motivation,
I'll tear it all apart,
irreparable,
a ****** mess,
a catalyst
that'll spark your destruction
and set that mind ablaze.

Fragile and weak,
the human crawls,
in seek of help,
only when it all crumbles.

In bliss,
in safety of their cocoon,
they rejoice,
a fool,
not a thought,
not a mind,
a pity indeed.

It could've all grown so well,
bloom fully in spring,
and emit a fragrance
that enchants unlike any other,
but you forget,
of the thorns you grew,
and I'll use them all,
let you have a taste,
of the tangy sweetness,
of the world you've built.