before i fell in love with her, love didn’t seem real
it was a facade, it was what people were supposed to do
i had never felt anything close to what was described as love
so therefore, in my head, it wasn’t real

and now i look back and remember how absolutely stunning the feeling was
how it crawled under my skin, from the very outer layer of the skin on my fingertips to the deepest crevices of my chest
it was, all consuming
tidal
the realest thing i’d ever felt

it’s been a while since that feeling ravaged my life
and it feels so far away now

the distance there creates this separation for me

it didn’t happen
i barely remember how it felt it must not have happened
i don’t miss her anymore, was any of it real?

but when i sit with myself.
when i sit with myself and wish to feel the same as i did last spring
wish to feel an innocence i did not know i had before

i find my soul has moved slightly to the left

and though her memory no longer lingers in my mind quite as often i feel as though,
I may never feel aligned again.

like the very sound of her voice could save me
like i would give her my soul so she could be happy

like walking to the edge, heart pounding
like the step before the fall



heart hit first,

i shattered.

the world doesn’t feel the same anymore
these past few years the air has slowly been tinted black
thickening, viscous and sour around our bones
breaking the ones below and leaving some of us to watch helpless
waiting for the air to rise
although somehow
coming from above
bullets shot in the dark didn’t make much sound
until finally youthful
tear stained faces
pulled the bullets up into clear air in their grasps and observed what we’ve become
with a clarity none of us knew
a clarity none of those people know
them with the black tinted air flowing from their mouths
becoming more sour, and more heavy with each breath, each utterance
each denial
they make
youthful faces with words far stronger than bullets

aimed at those who exhale black

the world is different now
we all felt like dissolving in the despair
instead
fortified by it

i join hands with my peers and we climb up above the earth
fight our way up
to the artificial atmosphere
and we throw our fists at the oppressive black film surrounding the earth
we hurl our bodies into it
we scream
we cry

we cra c k it open

one inch at a time

We lay on our beds facing each other
Millions of miles apart

“It hurts.” She says, a tear slipping down the bridge of her nose and trailing against the seams of her other eye before finally landing on her pillow.

thud

“I know.” I reply.

And I turn away from her.

i had so much love within me
and all of it wanted to go to you
and then you left and it all
evaporated