I think
it's a known fact
most people with an
eating disorder
end up pulling away
and secluding
and closing off.
spending more time alone
and less time with
others.

what I don't think
is everyone knows
why
we do this

we're hiding
hiding from you
whoever you are
you are against us.
you are trying
to force the enemy
into our hands
and onto our plates
and into our mouths.

the more time I spend
around you
the more you will
notice.
notice the signs
and the loss
and the anger
and everything else
we so cautiously hide

but for me
anyway
seclusion was hiding
hiding from the enemy
protecting my guard
my so fragile confidence
what I felt
and how I saw myself.
the more I was around others
and the food-
God the food-
the more I realized I needed it

but in my heart
I didn't want it
so i hid
from my enemy
from myself
and from you

the insecurity
and awareness
of being called out

being singled out
once
at the start to my day
and the feeling of
self consciousness
throughout the rest of it

that day
it wasn't a bold move
or a statement

i wanted to look nice
but a little lice
or a little skin
and suddenly
I was at fault

since when has my back
become a distraction
how many people have noticed
before that one did

i am not here for judgement
i am here to learn
in comfort
and the four inches
of skin
on my back
that show through this lace
is not enough of a reason
for you
to take away comfort
from my day

parents teach us
how to take care of ourselves
but all we really want to find
is someone to do it for us

they teach us
how to manage the stress of life
but they don't want us
to handle it alone

teach us
how to care for
and love ourselves
but they want someone there
if we ever forget how

i found my someone

tokens of thankfulness
gratefulness
appreciation

understanding
or attempts to

when every try
brings them closer to knowing
and every effort
pulls you closer to them

that's the only place
you want to be
close
and safe

being reminded
what you have
and if you have that

never let it go
be thankful
be grateful

tears of joy are okay

I've learned that no matter how many coins you throw into a fountain or how many fingers you cross, you cannot make someone love you and neither can superstition

2. Almost is the worst way to love someone and if you cannot do it whole heartedly, you should not do it at all

3. I've learned that you cannot trust the things your heart tells you when it's sad

4. I've learned what it feels like to have my throat tighten a little every time I talk about you and I've learned what it feels like to taste pennies in my mouth every time I say your name

5. I've learned that you cannot always be a love story, sometimes you have to make yourself a bridge worth burning

6. Loneliness is when you lay down at night and your ceiling burns with rage because it is only looking at one person

7. I've learned how to know if you really love someone because you don’t give people the power to destroy you that you don't love

8. And I've learned that even if you know it is coming, you can never prepare yourself for how it feels