When work needed done
We used to pound the pavement
But now we just punch keys
We're living in the digital age
Full of neon signs and L.E.Ds

Some say it's the future
Some say it's a disease
I say *it's okay in moderation
Just take a moment
Unplug
And Breath

I asked the birds
    What's it like to fly
They abruptly replied
    *What's it like to drive

You may say,
Sexuality is a choice.

It isn’t,
I am pansexual,
I am 14,
I was born like this.

You cannot tell me I am confused,
When I have always been this way.

I may not have said anything,
But obviously this is not a choice.

I was afraid to disappoint my Mother and Father,
I didn’t think they would approve,
If given the choice I would be straight.

But obviously I am not,
I was born like this.

Do not have the audacity,
To tell me I don’t know who I am yet.

I may not no who I am,
But I can tell you this,
I know who I am interested in.

Do you know what its like to watch a man die?
to watch the blood spill from his head
like when you turn the faucet on to wash your hands
before you go to eat dinner
Do you know what its like to helplessly watch a man die?
as he is gasping for breath
while you breathe in fresh air
unable to share
Do you know what its like to wait for the police to arrive?
how deafening, terrifying that wait is
its like when someone tells you news that's so devastating you don't even think to cry you're just stuck in a transfix

They say you feel sympathy for others when you do not understand
but this was so much more than sympathy
more than the fact that I was beyond devastated
I feel as if I should have been that man
and I felt guilty that all I could do was scream and sit there with him
while I felt his soul leave his body

Do you know what its like to watch a man die?
because I do.

The flame begins to flicker
Darkness creeps in
The furnace stands strong
Yet no heat remains within

**** your darlings,
**** your darlings!”
I heard this phrase
a long time ago,
and I killed them all!
In hope that doing this
my writing-
like a fountain will flow.
“**** your darlings,
**** your darlings!”
they said,
and so I did!
I killed one, I killed three
I killed four…
and I wrote as much as I could
to complete myself,
to become whole.

“**** your darlings,
**** your darlings!”
they said,
and I killed a lot!
I killed one, I killed three
and I killed-
as much as I could count!
And my writing did flow,
drowning myself in it,
drowning my flesh
my soul, my clothes;
But I did write…
I wrote as much as I could,
surrounded by corpses
ghosts, and souls…
only to complete my process,
of becoming whole!

One day it just stopped
The world that was spinning far too fast finally fell of its axis.
I woke up and I didn't feel like the world was collapsing in onto my shoulders.
I didnt want to rip my heart out of my chest.
But I didn't want to live.
It feels like I am drowning.
My lungs slowly filling up with water
I watch everyone else take a deep breath.
I can’t breathe. I can't breathe. I can’t breathe.
I am numb.
My eyes once vibrant seem dull.
Lifeless
There was nothing.
Going numb is not poetic.
I have to remember to make an attempt
I feel empty as if I made a bet with the devil and the devil won
My chest seems hollow.
It echo's with every heartbeat
I cannot bring myself to get up.
My mother pulls me out of bed
She asks me if I had taken my medications as if anti-depresents could save me from this emptiness inside
"They are what caused this"
She asks if I've cut recently.
I want to tell her that I would take the sensation of pain over nothingness every day.
I feel like a guest in my own home
A tourist in my own mu
Begging for anyone to help me escape the clutches of oblivion.
Nothing matters anymore.
There's just silence.