Something has changed,
shattered,
this gentle thing we had,
fragile as it was
has met its inevitable death
and we have plunged into dark
grasping at fragments of light
you have found someone
more stable than I,
better suited,
more loved
I forgive you
because I knew from the start
that this joyous thing
was doomed to die
as they only let you be happy
if they're preparing
to take it from you

nonetheless
I will grasp at the light
I am not the meek and feeble bird
that flew into a spider's web
I am a lioness
ready to fight for my joy
We will see the sun again
and it will be, as it always was,
*dazzling

I am in constant torment
Preaching self-love and self-joy
and not needing someone to validate me
But I will throw myself under buses
into gutters and rain
for people who don't appreciate my stars
and give me dirt in return
I will let myself burn under fires
of 'yes's instead of 'no's
and repeating I love you
when I've never felt more alone

My heart beats, its steady
and rhythmic drum
But it does not beat
for me.

The rain got in the house, somehow. It was leaking from the ceiling, pouring like autumn showers and the thunder was so loud it made my ears ring. I was screaming above the storm we need to get out of the rain and I received blank stares and empty faces. My family, listen to me, can you not see the lightning?
Faces fall away and I am in a dark room with only that forked electricity to light my way. Booming and crashing and the crackling static.
Hands on my head I can't get the sound out its so loud its too LOUD. THERE IS SO MUCH NOISE. THERE IS ONLY **THUNDER THUNDER THUNDER.

'Please don't talk to me again'

I said those words
and a weight lifted from my shoulders
I felt lighter, more free
And yet
When the weight lifted
It was replaced with a sorrow
That gut-aching knowledge
That you have just broken something
You loved

I feel little of anything
The stars are pinpricks to the sky
And the moon is so cold
She is a glacier in that darkness
I would be an iceberg too
But even now I cannot find
Any desire to be anything but empty
This hollow shell isn't cold
Nor does it burn with sorrow
It simply is. And you are too bright
You are too golden and warm
To let yourself be dulled by me
Go gently, please
Find stars and suns that will not
Reduce your night sky
To undending black

getting out of that car
i felt like i was leaving a shadow behind

you held me in those arms and somehow
i was two seperates of myself
one who was home, who belonged
and another, who was empty,
and she had never felt so alone

driving under those streetlights, like fireflies
I realised that the world was not small at all
and I was terribly real in that moment
even as i slipped away

I don't belong to anyone
I belong to the earth and the skies
And leap year's missing days
I belong to storms and thunders growl
To the stars and the moon
And broken birds' still beating hearts
I am a child of light and shadow
I belong to nothing and no one
I will never belong to them
I will never belong at all

I gravitate around you
Like a cold moon to a blazing Sun
You are my tether
And still I cannot be too close
For you dazzle the many
And we, as puppets, burn

Eyes like lush forests
Green as the tinge of spring
And distant like tall branches
In the sun they are clear oceans
stretching beyond my vision
I have drowned in those eyes many times

Strong arms. I could snap
Not that you would, kind boy
But I know you are strong enough
To break my heart. You did it once
Using other puppets and faraway moons
Did you not know I shone for you?

Changeling, you call yourself
Hurt has matured you, grown you
But I still see early spring in those eyes
I still see that brilliant sunshine glow
You could have the universe in your palm
With but a smile and wink, they love you.

To love the sun and burn silently?
Lingering close and smelting my skin?
Or simply circling and knowing
As you dance lightly with other moons
That once, in another lifetime, another world
you, burned for *me

I look out onto this life I have designed
This concrete house with ivy enveloping the walls
I look at these faces, these many features that blur
I remember each one, every smile and chipped tooth
I look at my walls, where pictures used to hang
There are now sticky tac marks and ripped wallpaper
I look at myself, hidden amongst books and art
I have everything I need right here, right now

I find myself completely alone

I am dancing on light
I am floating in a sea of colour
It is brilliant but also subtle
The colours rock me like waves
I could lie on this ocean forever
There is nothing but me and the light
I am at peace
I am at peace

Light, dancing wildly
Spectrums of colour, of creation
I look at my reflection
Against the cool glass
my breath staining it like frost
Sometimes I am transparent
like this mirror, like this cold air
and still, I look into myself
the crushing weight of the world
making the glass pulse
and my pulse, shatter
My emotions bleed out onto a wood frame
seeping through and taking shape
Turbulent, uncertain, blazing, brilliant
Is this me?
My inner turmoil made flesh
inside this glass tomb

I am, as I have always been,
On the wrong side of the mirror.

I am good as I am,
do not take that from me
do not presume to know me
at my best, or my worst
it is enough to know
that my tears will water the earth
and my blood will paint the sky
until it is red and angry;
you will know my wrath
should you tell me how I am
should you say that I could be more
or that I am somehow, less,
be it enough that the stars hold me
be it enough that the moon moves me
be it enough that I can love me
                      
                                                                  
                                                                                                    I am good as I am

I feel empty today, rotten and polluted like the inky sky of this town, ruined by the light. Maybe that is the problem, I am too much dark, too much the night’s daughter to be filled with such brightness, I will reject the light, gagging and choking on its purity and recede back into myself and the comfort of shadow. I don’t hate the light, but in the dark my skin doesn’t end at my fingertips and I can encompass a much larger space than the universe has provided for me. The moon will smile at me and I know it is the only light I will ever need

My thoughts are too loud
It is like shouting into empty rooms
And hearing naught but echoes,
Constant and crushing
The heaviness of their hollow sound
Like lead weights that pulse
Until your mind is flooding
And you are drowning.
I am drowning in my thoughts,
These lead weights are anchors
I will sink beneath my silent words
For to speak them means inhaling
Letting their sorrow fill my lungs
They have already taken my mind
They'll not have my breath, too.

You were the story I would never write
the dog-eared pages in my favourite books
and the highlighted words in the best poems i knew
you were my 6am coffee and my midday sun
and the twilight that illuminated the walls of this old house
you were the sunset that hid behind the ocean
before arising again as the moon, from the earth
my heaven, my universe and all of my stars
I let you become a god and you eventually turned to myth
we wrote legends about you, ballads and tragedies,
and i saw the sunlight leak from your eyes
and spill onto this concrete over months of aching
golden ichor that seeped into the cracks of the soil
you made flowers grow where you bled, and there were stars,
stars instead of tears when you cried
When i cried with you, and we built a new universe
one entirely our own, no demons, no monsters,
no angels and gods and cruel humans can find us here
we fly together
we die together
you and I until the end

There is a certain absence that echoes when it rains
I can feel it, in the storm of my life
And I can feel your absence as much as the rains'
You, today, I knew you were looking for me
When the bus pulled up and our eyes met
And it was like this chasm between us
Was closing and reopening in turbulent uncertainty
And we smiled at each other but with such sorrow, too
We spoke and laughed and I could almost forget
How terribly imperfect things between us are
I forgive the you that I know no longer lingers
I ask you forgive yourself, achieve inner peace
If we could escape to other lives and exist together
recreating ourselves far from judging eyes, I would
I would ignore the scolding of my mother
And the wrath of my friends
They don't know you like I do, don't love you like I did
I don't know if I still love you, or if it is just twin souls
Connecting again in joyous reunion
But I was looking for you, too

Here we are, shadows of ourselves
screaming desperately into a void
hoping that our echoes will reach the ******
and they, in their curiosity, will return
but the void is just empty dark
and no ghosts nor angels dwell here
it is just as empty, and lonesome
as your brittle heart now is,
the same heart that jumps with excitement
when the returning voice screams back
"COME HOME"
alas, an echo from shadow
the void is empty my dear

we are shouting at the dark.

**** them fake ******* that ditch you first chance
i never caused any unnecessary drama in a friend group that was all about friend hate and backstabbing, i was a ******* peace keeper in a garden full of snakes and forreal, what do i got to show for it?? diddly ******* squat. fml. I tried to be there for everyone i could at all times, tryna make sure everyone was happy, so WHY THE FUCCKK is it that im the one left alone? IM the one with no one left thats my friend. everyone's got their own little friend groups and ive got ******* no one. hows that ok? sick of this man, i like my own company but just got 4 years of friendship thrown back in my face. nah man. **** that.

Let the anchor drop
I will stay rooted to this murky water
until the tide comes in, a forceful fury
and washes me away with the ocean
I will ride the currents to distant lands
and live by the sun and stars,
with the moon as my compass
I will wax and wane with it
ebbing and flowing, in constant creation
like that current that swept me from shore
I will live my adventure, by hell and high water
and I will follow those stars, wherever they lead
But the book must close, the adventure end
and I will return to that anchor and murky water
and live a mediocre life far from ocean's reach
in a mediocre town; country; continent; earth
until my great journey fades, hazy and distant
tucked away under cluttered memory, remaining,
like a dream I once had,
one where I didn't fear the sea.

I don't want to be here anymore
In this skin, in this body,
in this house that doesn't feel like a home,
in this useless world that makes me hate myself
in this system that reduces living to working
I don't want to be here anymore
I want to be where the stars are,
where the rain will never reach me
and the light burns bright and golden
thats where I want to be
but I don't know if I could bear to go.

My life will end
as a blank canvas
on an empty wall
in an empty house
in a street that no one remembers
I will fade into the endless black
drowned amongst
the many nameless
forgotten by all
who once swore
to remember me
I will lie dying
in a potter's field
with a wilting flower
and a first name only
I will never publish my words
and I will never show my art
And I will forget to leave this town
fading like every other here
who had big, but fragile dreams
I will always exist
but forget to live.

We are always in motion
Never stopping,
Not for a second.
Racing towards finality
Waltzing through life
Our hands bound,
Unable to reach for the other
A dance of writing poems
And speaking no words
Shielding eyes when a gaze lingers
Scared of what we will find
Should we see the eyes of the other
There is rage and sorrow
And painful regret
Of that dance that now instructs us
You are the sun
And I the moon
Never touching
Only seeing from a distance
And somehow gravitating
Around and towards each other.
I know if we get too close
You will burn me away
Or I will eclipse your light
So we dance, endlessly
And we write poems
And speak no words.

There is beauty here
You can see it,
Through the cracks of the universe.
You can see it all.

The clear night sky
In a polluted city
Where all stars come alive
And sit ablaze among the black

The mirrored echo of the sky
On a frozen lake
In the crisp and harsh winter
As above, so below, in beauty

The vibrant gold
In autumn months
Where all is tired and dying
But colour is awake and bold

There is beauty here
In the cracks of the universe
You can see it,
If you look.

I want to be swallowed up
By shooting star's blazing tails
And the universe's
Infinitely expanding space
Black holes and black planets
White dwarfs that supernova
I want to be caught in the debris
Of the chemical dust and gas
Floating on the light
Of a thousand dying suns
We become giants
And we become supergiants
I will exist in the empty space
As air and grit and starlight
I will become dark matter
I will let the dark matter

I still believe
After the entire storm we were
All the fights
The tears
The late night calls
I do think he loved me

And that hurts more
Than if he never had

Thus begins the summer month
But my body still feels cold
I see in shades of ashen grey
Where others see bright and bold
The lemon taste within the breeze
Is acidic in my throat
Refreshing water does nothing for
A girl with little hope
Thus begins the summer month
Where many are at play
And here I lie beneath the sun
Where I shall slowly fall away

There is a constant storm here
thunder, lightning
it eclipses the sky and blinds the stars
The thunder ricochets off mountaintops
and the lighting is dazzling, unburdened by shadow
and no rain, never any rain
to scorch the untouched earth
You are my constant storm
my everlasting thunder, and beautiful light
and you are pure, pure of the ***** marks
that the rain will leave behind
And that is why
I cannot touch you

Being anonymous
In an ocean of other
Anonymous faces
Moving together, crowding together
Riding the same tide
For the same ******* reasons;
In sacrificing your identity
Take care not to lose yourself

My body is not a temple, it is a carcass.
With brittle bones and rotted flesh, I bleed ink and I cry stones
You see what you want to see because the cage that is my skeleton
Does not conform to what you think is socially desirable.
Here I am, in my brokenness, in my crumbling tower of a body, my burgled home
Here I am in my misery and here you are in your ignorance

How did Atlas do it?
Hold the world on his shoulders
I can barely lift my head
With the thoughts in my mind
Like lead weights
Dragging me deeper into oceans
That will never see the light
I can take my coffee black
And sit in the brazen sun
But the nightmares still come
They still come

Whatever matter exploded
In the Big Bang, the first star
Whatever black dwarf or supernova
Scattered it's thousand atoms
Across space, time, universes
Whatever that supernova was
I believe mine and his were the same

I've always loved the stars
And I can see him in constellations
And see constellations in his eyes
His heart beats with my steady drum
I think I have known he was mine
And I was his, from the first breath

Across miles of space and years of time
I have always been, somehow,
Looking for him

She's got an old soul
older than mountains,
older than the rain
It was probably there when
the rivers first ran free
Older than the earth, maybe
One of the first stars
The brightest supernova
she dove in, beautifully, on a crystal comet
straight out of the Universe

she's seemed like starlight ever since