My fingers twitch,
And mind races.
I am in a do or die situation,
Where the very hope of my future lies.
If I do not take the risk,
My future will be put off for
Yet another four months,
But if I do, I may succeed,
And finally get my life started
After a prolonged twenty-two years
Of anxious wait.

May the odds be in our favor,
May god grant us all some sort
Of prosperity.

I ask myself
If I am meant for
All the twists and turns of life,
But those certain, detailed twists and turns
Are meant for me and only me.
I am destined to be here,
To belong to the ground I walk on,
And to the people who hold me close.

I am made to live,
I am made to breathe,
I am made to be curious,
I am made to happy.

In my lonely nights,
i think of you
and all of the loving moments we have shared.
Ones where my head would lie in your lap
and you fingers would run back and forth
on my scalp.
I think of how safe you made me feel,
how nothing could touch me
as long as you were by me.
I think of your sugar coated lips
and warm body.
Your fingers as cars,
traveling my body
as if it were a road made just for them.

Every passing year
you look back and tell yourself
that you will not be
as naive as you used to be.
but those promises never stick,
as new challenges arrive.
Thrusting you onto paths
you have never taken,
testing parts of yourself
that you have never noticed.

I saw myself
As almost nothing;
A mere atom in between earth and the seemingly never ending galaxy.
Meanings and purpose was self-defined,
And the world just seemed a tad bit bleak.
The trees, grass, and even sky
Would lack color and the saturation in which I see them in now.

There were many nights
Where I cried alone,
And many days where I questioned
My true nature and belonging.
If this world was meant for me,
Or if I was meant to last in it,
Not a day would go by where
I would not doubt myself.

I find you every day,
Waiting for me.
Smiling with a joy I have not experienced,
And being excited for my presence.

I may feel my nature lack at dire moments,
But it would be a lie if I had said
You do not rejuvenate the very core
That loses power when I am alone.

You bring me a strength
That I cannot foresee,
A strength that I am grateful to have.

I have so much happiness around me
But I cannot seem to feel it.
It’s as if the curtains are down,
Shielding me from the most
Beautiful of days outside,
Which carries laughter and joy.
I cannot feel it or see it
So therefore it does not affect me.

I wish I could open those curtains
And soak up all the good
That’s around me.

The first thing
I fell in love with
was the way you wrote.
So sweet,
so innocent,
light on my mind
and had me high
all the time.