I have never been more hurt,
But,
I have also never felt as special,
With anyone,
As I did with you.
That's why the word bittersweet exists,
To describe how I'm feeling now.

I would never erase it,
Because if you erase the pain,
The good parts go along with it.
But honestly,
Either way you lose.

Because now,
The good memories are just as painful as the bad ones,
Because they're just a reminder of a time that has slipped away.

I have no present,
No future,
All I do is live in the past.
Relive these memories over and over again,
Because there is nothing in the moment,
That's strong enough to pull me away.
Nothing stronger,
Than what you were to me.

I have to mourn you like you are dead,
But then,
You show me that you're not.
And it's confusing,
Because then,
Why am I living,
Memory to memory?

And it hurts so much,
That I can barely breathe,
Because how can I be so lost in something,
That you can no longer see?

When I told you I missed you,
and you said,
"It's only been two days".

When I wrote paragraphs,
And exhausted breaths,
Explaining to you,
How much I REALLY liked you,
And you didn't say anything back.

All the times you outright ignored what I said,
As if you couldn't hear me,
And just smothered me with a kiss, instead.

Remember that.

I'm happy I'm out,
But the memories of me staying around,
Begging for your attention are what haunt me.

That's the tricky thing about relationships,
Not knowing what's temporary or permanent,
Because the good memories never go away,
No matter how old they are,
They can feel so recent,
Because we can always relive them.

But always remember,
Just because a person deserved you in the past,
Doesn't mean they will deserve you forever.
Just because they kiss you,
Doesn't always mean they like you.

With what can I forgive?
When no matter how many times I blink,
My tears refuse to leave,
When no matter how big of a breath I take,
My lungs continue to wheeze,
When no matter how fast I run,
My heart fails to beat.

When I was with you,
I only had moments.
Where it was warm,
Where it was complete,
Where I felt it skip beats,
But now that we're over,
I feel it,
All the time.

It's like I don't have lungs,
I don't have ribs,
I don't have muscle,
I don't have skin,
It's just there,
Sitting,
Alone.

Exposed,
With fear,
Blood beats out,
In tears,
And pushes me,
To continue,
On.

You put a weight on my chest,
Knowing it would be too heavy for me to lift.
Every time we were together,
You took it off,
Giving me instant relief.

When it was time for me to leave,
You put it back,
Making me not just want,
But need you to feel at ease.

So I kept going back,
Even though I knew I shouldn't,
Because I couldn't stand the discomfort of being away from you.

Until one day,
You broke me,
In a way that couldn't be forgiven.
So I left,
For good.
And still,
I couldn't escape the weight.

I tried and tried to get it off,
But no matter how close I thought I was,
It always crashed back onto me,
Restarting the same cycle of pain,
Erasing all the progress I thought I made,
Pushing the feeling of normalcy I had so often taken for granted,
Further and further out of reach.

There were so many days that I wanted to give up and go back,
Because I knew if I begged enough,
You'd take it off,
And take me back.

But I didn't,
Because I couldn't face you.
I couldn't be the weak thing you wanted me to be.
I had respect for myself,
And I knew that the tough girl inside,
Was still there.
I just had to endure this to get her back.

So even though it was the last thing I wanted to do,
I kept pushing,
Each and every day,
Exhausting myself,
Getting closer and closer,
Becoming stronger and stronger,
Until my persistence finally paid off,
And I removed the weight all on my own.

Now,
For the first time in weeks,
I am free.
I can enjoy each step, breath, and heartbeat,
Uninhibited and uninterrupted,
Because I fought for them,
I fought for me,
And I won.

The weight will come back,
If you don't put it there,
Someone else will.
That's life.
But I know I can take it off,
Without anyone else's help,
Because unlike the weight,
My strength is only here to stay,
And grow.

So thank you,
For making me better than I've ever been,
For forcing me to fight for myself,
For helping me realize,
That the only person I'll ever need,
Isn't you or anyone else,
It's me.

All of my friends are your friends,
"It's been months",
They say.

But it's not like you hurt me once,
Or twice,
You hurt me everyday.

So tell me,
How am I supposed to heal,
When I can never get away?

I spent my whole life on a ledge,
Safe.
Watching people of all different shapes, sizes, colors, and places,
Fall for this thing called "love".
No matter how many times I watched,
It didn't make any kind of sense to me.

It's simple logic,
Statistics,
Physics,
And math.
That if you fall,
Gravity will pull you down,
And you will get hurt.

I was content on that ledge,
With no desire whatsoever,
To follow the masses in the plunge,
Happy,
Until I met you.

You found me there.
Knowing that I was an innocent,
A skeptic,
A challenge,
And you changed my world.

At first we just talked,
Argued,
Laughed,
And talked.
And no matter how hard I tried to get rid of you,
You stayed.

You listened to my hopes, dreams, thoughts, and fears,
You told me yours.
And then one day,
Without any kind of warning,
You jumped,
Right in front of me.

Scared out of my mind,
I ran to the edge and looked down,
But you were fine,
Floating,
Soaring,
Day after day, after day, after day.
And no matter how hard I tried to get you to come back,
You wouldn't.

You teased me,
You coaxed me,
And eventually,
You wore me down.
Because the longer I stayed up there,
The further I was from the only person I wanted to be with,
You.

So I forgot everything I knew,
And I jumped.
At first,
We fell together.
And it was exhilarating,
Powerful,
Magical,
The biggest rush I have ever felt.

But then,
I looked next to me,
And you weren't there anymore.
You stopped.
Without telling me,
Or even teaching me how.

And the rest?
Was pain.
Me watching the ground I was about to crash into move closer,
And closer.
Me looking up,
Searching for you,
Screaming,
Begging for your help,
Reassuring myself that you would save me.
Because after all,
You're the one who told me to jump in the first place.
But I was wrong.

You watched me fall in panic for weeks,
Until I finally smacked into the ground,
And shattered,
Into a million, uneven pieces.
Without any attempt whatsoever to catch me,
Or break my fall.

So here I lay,
Alone and scattered,
In fragments so jagged,
They hurt to touch,
Riddled with the seemingly impossible task of getting myself together,
And back up to where it all began,
The ledge.