i'm not giving up
if i never had any hope at all

i'm worried about disappointing You
You care about me and that’s scary
i'm unpredictable
i'm unstable
i'm unreliable

You are so perfect to me
i can't stand to watch you worry your beautiful head over me
i will always be okay
i promise

I am a girl lost inside herself

Drowning in my thoughts
held down by my worries
paralyzed by my fears

I am a girl who searches for life long connections in dark and cold places
a unbalanced combination of sugar and spice with a hint of anxiety and notes of don't touch Me I'm self conscious

I look for meaning in words left unsaid and misdirected affections which almost always leave me lonelier that before

My rare moments of bravery overshadowed by self proclaimed failures and regrets I am too tired to carry anymore

I am a girl lost inside herself found floating on the hopes of tomorrow
I am worried about the future and wonder if self exceptance is on the horizon
I wonder if I will have children and if I will raise them right
I wonder if one day I will feel pride in my body
I wonder if I will be okay on my own
I wonder what tomorrow holds

I am a girl who struggles with how much is enough and what is too much
Lost in my dreams and what it means to live a full life

Thoughts defining actions
Wishes defining thoughts
I am a girl lost inside herself

Leaning over kitchen sinks,
Bubbles up my arm turn pink,
I'm pretty sure I'm dreaming,
Thankfully so,
I don't ever want to leave this dream world.
The only realm where my dreams come true,
I'm so sick and tired of waking up with nothing,
The feeling in the pit of me is why I'd like to die.

Don't take my words lightly,
I'm a stupid, teenage dreamer,
I sent myself into the stars but reality is catching up,
I'm not enough and never strong,
So believe me when I say,
Go home.
Go home.

Stumbling over the bulging pavement,
Roots burst through and grab my legs,
I know now that I am dreaming,
Don't stop dreaming please.
Cause when I leave this world,
My demons come after me,
They tell me that I will never make it,
When I'm 18 I know I'm not living anymore.
I'm not ready to build my home yet.

Don't take my words lightly,
I'm a stupid, teenage dreamer,
I sent myself into the stars but reality is catching up,
I'm not enough and never strong,
So believe me when I say,
Go home,
Go home.

...But at night

My head is a radio tower

The thoughts and information bouncing off the walls of my mind

Front to back

Voices from different frequencies

Endlessly bombarding me.

Never stopping

Never ending.

.
.
.
.


And for the first time in my life

.
.
.


I find myself begging for a place

.
.
.

Where I don't get cell service.

I could tell you what is on my mind
That I'm worried and scared and anxious
That i really wish i was alone right now
But then I'd be naked.

I could tell you all my strengths and weaknesses
I could tell you that I'm afraid of the dark when i sleep so i turn on the lights
But i could tell you that I'm also afraid of the shadows and what lurks behind the curtains.
But that would make me naked.

I could tell you that i hate photographs
and photoshoots.
And that it hurts to pose.
For a picture
To be analysed by a glass lens
Only to have the best parts of my life
erased by an editing app
Because nobody wants to see scars on Instagram
I could tell you that it makes me sick
And that i wish people loved the real thing
But then I'd be naked

I could tell you that I'm living my dream at the expense of my mother's love
Her smile has become an eclipse
Rare and blinding.
Not mine to see, anymore
I miss her though she misses me too i know but I chose the devil in my head
But that would make me naked

You could tell me about that time last year
You couldn't get out of bed
When you wouldn't get out of bed
Because your heart felt like lead
When only your bed could hold you back
And your sheets could hug you better
And I'd understand because I've been there before
Because then you'd be naked

Without the clothes and baggage
That shame us into silence
The shoes of depression
that lead us into violence
suicidal thoughts just cause
We can't be honest
And don't have the courage to simply be naked.

Prefer the flimsy armor
Of "how are you's" and "i am fines"
Fearing to expose what lies under these
Clothes
Genuine interactions and intimate confessions

I am tired ...i am tired
Of these clothes
I want to be naked
Not behind closed doors
But right here
So should i start removing

The poet lives two lives.
One on the outside,
And one in their mind.

When you look in their eyes
You could see an abyss.

If you looked long enough
You could sink into it.

But most people don’t see it.

Take the time to read the words, though,
And you would know for sure.

The poet lives in two different worlds.