i don't know
    where to start...
          mom said
        the words
            would just flow
      she didn't tell me
         that tears would flow
    in their stead.
        clears throat
             i didn't know dad
       more than
          the bottles
             he always kept
       bringing home.
          mom said he was
          always like them
          always shattered
          always empty
          always cold.
             she said
      if i ever get too much,
          i will burn----
        i never got
        to ask if it was
        dad or beer
        she was talking about...
            snicker
     so earlier
         i was looking
       at dad's stuff
             for something to say.
           there was this
                drawer i've never
       even dared to look into
                til yesterday.
           clears throat
       and i found this letter.
               you see
          at first i thought
      this house was too big
             for just one child----
         now i get it.
                hush
            'to my future daughter:'
        clears throat
              'dianthine'
         'before i say'
            'anything else'
              'do you like your name?'
         'we named you after diana'
            'not the roman goddess,'
       'your mother.'
                'we didn't even fight'
           'to find that name'
       'it was perfect.'
          'like you were going to be.'
               'i'm simply sorry.'
      'you had so much'
         'waiting for you.'
            'you were going to be a lawyer'
     'and criminal prosecutor even.'
         'sorry.'
               'you should know'
       'it's my fault.'
             'simply my fault.'
           'but'
              'i'
             'did'
            'not'
           'mean'
         'for'
           'it'
             'to'
         'happen.'
             'but your mother's gone.'
            'your supposed to be mom'
          clears throat
                     'your only mom.'
         'i have to let you know'
               'that i was the one who quit.'
i figured it out immediately
mom's name was diana but,
mom would quit on dad
before he'd ever quit on her...
             let me continue
        ruffles paper
           'i love diana'
       'i need to just outright say it'
                'since i know'
                'that you would'
                'never get to'
                'meet her----'
         'she is perfect,'
      'she was...'
'it's like mercy though, even if you don't;'
'at least you won't get to be raised by some'
           'old'
           '****'
           'like'
           'the'
           'stupid'
           'me.'
     'yes...'
               yes.
'i'm sorry for sourgraping.'
'sorry for not doing anything better.'
        'honestly she'd be the excellent parent'
        'all i'd probably do is talk-----'
        'or keep you from taking up alcohol'
        'or something---- i don't know'
'i'm sorry.'
'i'm sorry.'
             clears throat
                           'i'm sorry'
                           'i'm sorry'
              tightens paper
       'i don't know what else to say, dianthine.'
'i never told diana this, but...'
           'i was really hoping to meet you'
     'but i promise you this.'
                'if it is not diana'
         'if it's not someone'
      'as perfectly fantastic'
   'as your supposed to be mother----'
              'and if its not you.'
         sobs
           'if it's not as brilliant'
       'or dashing'
              sobs
                'as we hoped you'd be...'
             'then there's no point.'
        'i'm sorry.'
   'i'm sorry.'
               whimpers
            sorry
      clears throat
              dad gave me a ghost
    not his...
          i've always thought
       danthein was too weird
             for a guy's name
     i guess i was just that ghost
that haunted my dad...
i'm sorry
       sobs
  folds paper
            sorry dad, but i have to say
       you may have failed
           in everything that makes
              a good parent----
you succeeded
in one thing,
it might have
been a simple thing
        but you got it right:
               you were a father.

Hello everyone,

  I'm so very sorry … I feel horrible doing this, but I have no choice. You see, I have published my first book on Amazon/Kindle! This piece (and many others) had to be taken down because they do not allow published material to be available online for free. (Go figure) I wanted to leave the shell of the posts because I felt compelled to leave all your helpful and loving comments. (Silly sentimental, I know), but I also didn't want to just have the pieces disappear without an explanation. I feel bad enough as it is!

  I owe ALL of you so, SO much for all of your reads, love, and support. It was YOU that gave me the gumption to FINALLY get off my **** and publish! Thank you all for the warm comments, camaraderie, and encouragement! I will still be here, reading, uploading and just being the Rascal that I am. How could I EVER leave you guys?

  The book is called “The Way I See It – FictionPhilosophySoul Food” and it will be FREE for the first few days on Kindle Select, so watch for it, if you are interested. I hope that you go and grab it. If you do, I would also hope that you find it worthy, you would leave me a good review. That will help me get in the public eye! Soon afterward (2-3 days or so), it will be available in paperback.

Find the book(s) here: www.amazon.com/author/jeff.gaines

Or find the book(s), and all about me, here: www.JeffGaines.world

  Soon after, I also hope to have my first novel (a supernatural thriller), called “Wanderer” available as well!

  Wish me luck!
Big, Biggest Love,
        Jeff Gaines

And the snow was melting from the hills;
Green was glowing down in the north pasture;
Crocuses were bucking a hard west wind;
Calving was swinging on, and spring barns to muck,
And you were yelling about some thing or other,
The way you always do, or the way you always did,
Back in the day when you were here,
And I was just a lazy kid.

Dad, you remain somehow this giant in my mind,
Sleeping or waking,
I see you still,
Hear your voice,
Watch you running
One job to the next,
Passionate about everything,
Restless and without rest,
Some nameless demon chasing you,
Pulling the rest of us in your wake.

So the last three nights I've seen you,
Sat at table across from you
To discuss my leaving the farm:
You concerned I was a fool to go,
And I convinced I could not stay.

I wish I knew the hold you have on me
Six years gone with you away, and me,
Two states removed and a career nearly done,
Still finding myself waking from dreams
That linger vivid on.

I think
as artists
we owe a lot to pain.

Put on
a robe of thorns
and write

about the nice weather outside
and that delicious burger
you had today.

Write about happiness
when you're in pain-
beauty.

i sat there for the
longest time.

In the dark-
in that small,
small space and

fabric rustled around me
with every shift and every
movement and change.

I watched, through
the small crack of light,
the shadows
dance and the soles of
shoes pass.

I tried to make sense
of their movements
the sounds that come
out of their mouths.

Their interactions.

After the longest time I
decided to stand up
from the floor
of that small, dark space.

Quietly,
I put my hand on
the ****, and it turned.

I crept out
of that space.
Timid, unsure.

I don't think
anyone noticed.
I'm glad.

I'm still not quite...

there yet.