You permeate my universe and wreak havoc on my cosmos.  
You aren’t really here, just a phantom lingering on the horizon.
Like gravity you force me down, until I'm nothing but a speck.

Your insides burned like the heaviest star in the sky.
We collided and the explosion demolished my world
Our cosmic radiation scorched the atmosphere.
Now I’m back on Earth, left to map the constellations
Lingering in the shattered sky left in your wake.

you have a habit of coming back to me,
don’t you?
you can’t help but think of me
when you walk by the pie shop
and see my favorite pie in the window.
you find yourself inside, pulling out your wallet
and buying me a pie.
you know if you buy me a pie,
you have to find me to deliver it.
you know I love pie
but I don’t know if I love you
I know I can't hate you,
but why did you buy me a pie?
when you saw the pie, did you forget
about your five-year plans and new apartment in Texas?
did you forget about our lives now
just for a moment, outside of a pie shop?
and did you forget about me, just as quickly,
when you left?

I had a lot of reasons to leave
     like the tea you made
     in your ex-girlfriend's mug
     that was always too hot
but I chose to stay.

You had a lot of reasons to stay
     like the love letters
     and late nights
     and me
But you chose to leave.

How sad you must be now
     I lost someone who never loved me
     You lost someone who loved you.

I knew you were a heartbreaker
but every time I picked up the pieces
and put them back in your hands.
You collect the battered hearts of others
in a box under your bed for safekeeping.
But all the hearts in the world could never be enough
because no heart is more broken
than yours.

Did you say something?

No.

I thought you were going to say something?

Only that I love you more and more everyday, and I want to wake up like this, in this bed, with this cup of coffee and this teddy bear every morning forever. Only that I combed threw all 1,284 photos of you on the internet until I could confidently conclude that I'm the prettiest girl you've ever loved or kissed or seen. That I've already imagined our wedding (springtime on the cape), our children (adorable) and our farmhouse we will renovate until it looks like the ones on tv.  Only that right now I love you, and its eating me alive.

Nope.

How have I
Existed in your world
This whole time
And not even know it?
Dopamine fogs my mind
Until all I can see through the haze
Is you.

How have I lived a whole life
Not knowing the face of perfection.
I waste no time—
Every second, minute, memory
Locked away for safekeeping.
Like an addict, my mood swings
Back and forth
Until I forget where I started.

My brain decided it doesn’t need serotonin anymore.
It's much more fun to run wild
Hysterically combing through our last conversation
Because nothing else matters
Than the way you kissed me last.

I find you in songs stumbled upon,
The smell of sweat and cheap detergent
And the sound of Pink Floyd and Dawes.
In the smell of ***,
Your sisters backpack rotting in my basement
And the picture of us my mother kept.
In the photographs I swore I burned,
The loneliness of cold showers
Parties, Austin and button up shirts.
In the poems I still write,
The pills I still take
And the black nail polish you liked.
In shirtless men with hairy chests,
The mention of a Cubs game
And the crevasses of my consciousness.  
In my present I find our past,
The relics of a romance
And the memories that last.

I was born with baggage
The stamp of your disease
     branded on my newborn flesh.

I watched you cry behind doors
And collapse with exhaustion after school
     until your sadness infected me.

20 years later
I take the same pills
     covered in your fingerprints.

Pills Pills Pills
Catch me in free-fall
A medicated safety net

I wear my diagnosis
          Major Depressive Disorder
Like a scarlet letter

Existing on an island
          Between crazy and calm
          Lost and found

Pills Pills Pills
Pull me out of obscurity
So I can begin to forget.

I dial your number and pause
In the moment before the moment.

Hello?

In an instant, you are not just a memory, a regret, a thousand miles a way
You are with me in the car, parked in a lot.
The spotlight hits me and I turn on.

Hello!
(as if I’m surprised to hear voice)
How are you?
(like I really care)
Guess what!
(as if my brief reappearance in your life is the best news you’ve ever heard)

Rain spits on my windshield as I laugh with you
A suave performance to meant to pass as reality.
I savor the sound of your voice
Caught off guard
And cringe at the pauses
The stiff formalities and cold distance.

I dance in circles on the phone
An artificial, plastic caricature
Synthetic nonchalance tightly orchestrated
Still contorting myself to impress you.

This monster inside me
hunts for your internet breadcrumbs
     facebook pictures
     reddit comments
     spotify playlists
and wants to slaughter the ***** from that post and smear her all over your wall.

She wants to chop off her hair
     die it purple
     pierce her nose
     learn guitar
and sing cryptic hate songs to you in her own ******* band.

She wants to text you and ignore the response
     tease you
     taunt you
     *******
until you want her so bad it kills.

But all of that is no good because you're still in my head
     making decisions
     haunting my thoughts
     until I go insane
Because nothing I do will give me you, the way you were.

You've found a way
to move in and out of my consciousness.
I felt you today
with the drop of a name
and yesterday
with your favorite song.

Evolution is slow;
It takes time
to erase you from my routine
to shun you from my thoughts.

Slowly I find you less and less
as your image blurs in my mind.
I feel you melt off my skin
like an old layer shed
to bare something better than before:
a me without you.

Ross. I read your letters today. All seven. The ones from last summer. And wow. We were in love. Ross. I miss you. I miss the person who wrote me letters, beginning with ‘my dearest’ and ending with love. And now they feel like artifacts, relics of a time I can’t remember. The thin paper carries a new weight. Each word a new meaning. Because this is all I have left of you. Your words. Our love. Each precious note a reminder of what we had. What I lost. You. Ross.

I'm tired of wasting my poetry on you
I can't remember how to write happy.
You ravage my mind. constantly.
Quietly lurking until you attack me
from the inside out
so I sit in the shower, naked
and try to wash the last of you off my skin
as if I can wash your memory away.
No, your ghost digs in,
burrowing deep in my soul
settling in for a long winter
and what am I to do
but bask in the glow of your memory
clinging to the strands of goodness
and let my self be wasted in our past
because it is so much better than a future alone.

Another year older
and heart a little colder
Now her time is her own
so alive, but so alone

She waited for him her whole life long
but he said "let me go" and she couldn't hang on
Someone had told her not to cry
as painfully slow she died inside
"You're still the one, that hasn't changed
I promise I can stay the same"
He said that they could still be friends
but she knew she'd never see him again.

Clean
like the water
that runs through my hair
and down my back
as I wash the last of you
off my skin.

in a week you'll be a thousand miles away.
and i'll never see you again.
i'll never see you again.
each world heavy
dripping in permanency
and it settles in
and weighs me down
never again
never again
never again
how could that be?
when did always become never
and and i love you became lets be friends
never again
never again
never again
as i sit here alone
anticipating the never
i want to have you while i can still say yes
but in the morning you'll have to leave
and i refuse to be hurt
one more time
never again
never again
never again.

happy anniversary
you let me **** your flaccid ****
then let me go
naked
wet
exposed
nothing but your ***** sheets
to shield me from your sting
"i dont feel the same way"
you said
every
word
a
nail
in
my
coffin.

you linger on me
my invisible friend
and keep me lonely
late at night.

remember last week
you said
we were in love
it sounded so strange
coming out of your mouth.

do you still think of me
when you're alone?
do i haunt your nights
like you haunt mine?
or am i a shadow of a memory
another girl left behind.

oh my god
i just realized
i’m never going to see you again.
and i miss you.

my fingers linger over send
you’re so close
but if you come you’ll have to go
and i can’t let you leave me twice.

Your linger in me
like a cold
infectious
that creeps into my chest
attacks my heart
haunts my mind and
spreads like a cancer.
And what can I do
but sit back
and let you wash over my body
contaminating every crevice
******* out the life
until there's nothing left.

The memory of you haunts me
and I give in
because it feels so good
to go back
and feel a shadow of what we felt.
So I sink in
and relive it
like a movie
distorted
unreal
because it's better than the truth.
You're really gone.

Your love is like blanket
For when it gets too cold
Wrap your arms around me
Keep me warm.

But when it gets hot in there
I need step out for air
I'm drowning in you, falling hard
Dismantling each little guard.

And now it seems theres no escape
Maybe its love, maybe its fate
Either way there is no cure
But I'm hungry and  I need you more.

I sit in the shower
Knees to chest
Eyes shut
And that’s when I let myself
Think of you.
A cool stream of regret
Runs through my hair
Across my spine
Down the drain
And that’s when I let myself
Let you go.

Mom, I’m sick and getting worse
Could you please go call a nurse?  
My throat is achy, my fever’s high
And chills are running down my spine.

I think I’ll take this time to complain
There’s an achy feeling in my brain.  
All I can do is to fester in disease
While trying not to cough and sneeze.  

I guess I should stay home today
And put my homework on delay.  
But there is one thing I must confess
Today I skipped my calculus test.

High school is a tricky beast
A fresh start, with new pencils and locker combinations
Lanky legs, too-short skirts
And nervous chit chat.  
Girls watch the boys
Ignore the girls
And head to football games with high hopes.  

Winter’s cutting chill sets in
Forcing everyone inside and
The school becomes a communal Petri dish.  
Homework, stress, tests, stress.
Finding a seat at lunch. Stress.  
Girls will shed sweaters for sweaty dancing
And late nights.

Spring rushes in,  
And the sun is welcomed like an old friend.  
Floral perfume and impatience
Hang in the air.
The boys ask out the girls (finally).
Wispy romances are full of sticky hands
And nervous firsts.

Like a roller coaster ride with twists and turns
Time’s up before you know it
And the beast spits you out of its clammy insides.  
The future looms like a thundercloud on the horizon
Until it cannot be ignored.  
The boys break the girl’s hearts,
And the girls learn to forget.  
High school is a tricky beast
You’ll never be the same.

Doctor, doctor I’m feeling awfully ill
When he’s gone it’s like my world is gone too
And I’ve got serious symptoms of withdrawal
My fever’s burning like a nasty flu.  

Doctor, doctor I am losing my head
I’m addicted and I can’t get enough
In a cold achy sweat I’m stuck in bed
And desperate for another dose of love.

Doctor, doctor you tell me there’s no cure
No pill or remedy to ease my pain
I guess I’ll always be left wanting more
Until my last day when I go insane.  

Love’s a disease and I’m under the weather
But it’s the only sickness that makes you feel better.

i never wanted you
but now that you're hers
i want to rip your heart out of her hands,
crush it to a pulp,
and **** all of the living blood out
until you feel as dead as me.

A ***** couch rests in the living room,
Like an old green stump.  
Worn from too many soap operas and football games
The pillows droop like tired eyelids.  
The smell of exhaustion and grime clings to the well-worn skin
That itches if you get too close.
Dog hair is sprinkled across the cushions
Along with mysterious stains and crusty popcorn between seats.  
It gobbles up change, remotes and secrets.

Far from a fairy-tale throne
It has as much romance as a sock.
But since the bedroom was off-limits,
It would have to do.

He rolled into my little sandy town
And drew me in like the moon pulls the tide.
We played on the beach till the sun went down
And danced in the dunes, under a star-soaked sky.    

The air was heavy in the summer heat
And his skin was soft when he held my hand.
We walked with the ocean in our bare feet
Making footprints in the warm ivory sand.  

We only had three short months by the bay
Now our summer’s a memory haunting
Like the ocean tide you drifted away
And left me with a bunch of nothing.  

Heartbreaks, like seashells, are a dime-a-dozen
But there’s nothing sweeter than summer loving.

Now you’re gone I see love is a garden
Naturally tender, it needs help to grow
Without constant care, soil will harden
A love needs to bask in the sun’s sweet glow.
Feed your garden daily. Water it, too.
It takes time and care, but soon it will bloom
The fruits of hard labor, laid out for you
A ripe beauty with the sweetest perfume.  

But be wary of the weeds that break through
And turn your sweet soil into a tomb
******* the life from your tender garden.
My garden dried up, there’s nothing to do
But melt in this desert, forever doomed
To grieve a love that’s lifeless and hardened.

Please, scrawny love, just last a month or two
And I’ll water you with good intentions.
Your frail leaves quiver as the wind blows through
Consume my thoughts and devour my attention.

Please, scrawny love, just grow a little more
Even spout some buds, and lay down some roots
I’ll feed you with fondness, it’s never a chore
I live for the promise of your tender fruit.

Please, scrawny love, don’t waste away just yet
I know my affection is not enough
Your leaves wilt and I’m left with regret
Helpless as you shrivel dry and tough.  

Time marches on and the seasons must change
A stale, wilted love is all that remains.

Bitter snow blankets the ground
Cotton ***** fall like stars from the sky
Its heavy weight drags me down

The cold flakes don’t make a sound
As they garnish bone bare limbs and the
Bitter snow blankets the ground

It clings to trees, mound upon mound
Loaded like the truths never spoken
Its heavy weight drags me down

Beneath the surface life is drowned
Trees slouch like tired shoulders
Bitter snow blankets the ground

But a blizzard pales when you’re around
Stiff and frigid as any storm
Your heavy weight drags me down

Stony icicles crack in your frown
Will this winter ice ever melt?
Bitter snow blankets the ground
Its heavy weight drags me down

Spring!  Old friend
It’s been a long, dark winter
The bone bare limbs hung naked while
Heavy snow drowned life in silence.  

I’ve waited all year
To bathe my milky skin in your warmth
And smell your sweet perfume.
You paint the world in color again,
And conduct the bird’s morning song.

I find hope in the budding trees
And the daisies that kiss my bare feet
But winter’s bitter icicles
Still weigh on my heart, refusing to melt
Can you help me shake this winter chill?

You move in like a rainstorm, lightning strikes
And thunder rolls, just close enough to touch
My blushing red heart swiftly ignites
With your cool hello and soft playful nudge

The sparks in your smile flicker and fly
Keep your eyes on me, whisper soft and slow
Our friendship flared up like flames against sky
You captivate me like a campfire glow

But if I get too close, will the flames hurt,
Or will it collapse into dust and ashes?
I only wanted warmth, not to be burned
By the fierce heat of fiery flashes

I still hold a flame, deep in my chest
With the burns that you left, along with regret.