You asked me how much I love you
and I couldn't tell you,
not because I don't,
but because my love for you is something
that cannot be chained down by words
for it is something beyond the common tongue

But I do know that I love you as deep and vast
as the oceans that separates us,
and even though you can see the sun
while I see the moon,
it is comforting to know that we are
under the same sky

2 weeks without these thoughts
i really thought i was getting better

but alas, it's just the calm weather
before the storm

blood on the paper
lines on my skin

drown me in this sea of red
let it drown my thoughts
let me feel the pain
to make sure that i am alive

gross sobbing
through the night

it won't disturb
your peaceful sleep

oh heavens, i hope to feel
this peaceful feeling
only the dead knows

drown me in this sea of red
let it balance the pain of my heart

drown me
suffocate me

my heart cannot take it anymore

For the longest time I thought that what we had was love
but it wasn't

Because I'm not supposed to feel scared and anxious when I miss a text or call
because I'm afraid that you'll lash out on me

It's not supposed to make me feel scared as if I have to tip toe around egg shells to make sure that I stay on your good mood

My friends aren't supposed to lose count on how many times I cried over you and yet they could count the times I was happy in one hand

And I was desperate to believe that you were the real you when you're happy
and that whenever you're mad it's actually my fault
because you say it is

When you say sorry I would always hang on to it like a man in the desert desperate for water,
because you always say that you didn't mean to (and because it was simply my fault)

Your anger started to become my punishments,
it became a way for me to burry myself with guilt and constantly blaming myself that I should've learned by now to know what you want
because ultimately it's my fault

The word "no" disappeared from my vocabulary because guilt and fear has eaten it away  

You used to ask me why I never get angry,
but being angry at you will just amplify your anger towards me

But it's been years now,
and I finally got my voice back,
It took me time to repair what was broken,
and get the missing pieces back together


It's been years now,
but I still get anxious when my phone rings

my darling sister
he says
this is what happens you love someone
too much
that you lose yourself
because "you" became a part
of them
and when they leave
they take *you
and you'd feel lost
so lost
that you'd end up taking that one thing
you still own
something only you can control:
death.

We were laughing,
we were joking,
but the phone call ended it.

We rushed,
we panicked,
your mother embraced us.

There's too many white walls,
I thought this world was supposed to be
black and white.

Yet we sat there lifeless,
feeling like you took our souls with you.

We were standing god knows where,
we were lost, especially your cousin.

There's too many black umbrellas here,
and it's raining, as if the sky is mourning;
or is it your tears that were being shed?
I thought this world was supposed to be black and white.

Your cousin didn't come,
but he does his usual routine.
Eat, work, sleep.
But it seems you took more from him,
than you did with us.
He is lost,
and you are gone.
g o n e
you are g o n e
and we all want you back.

cautiousness causes our mind to break
and body to wither

is it right for me to crave
your touch,
if i can't even call you mine?

oh how selfish of me,
because i know it will never satisfy
my desires
i wanted more than a touch,
i wanted your love
but alas,
even the heavens cannot give me that

Your favourite sweater
To wear on winter nights

Passionate kisses
That leaves a kiss mark
On my cheek

When blood rushes
Through your cheeks
Whenever you're embarrassed
Or outside
On a cold winter morning

Your rain boots
Against the pavement
On a rainy day

My heart that bleeds
Only for you

The colour of passion
And my love for you

Maybe a hundred years from now
No one would remember
Who Cleopatra was
Or who was the first person to walk on the moon
And certainly
No one would remember
An insignificant being
Like *me

my nightmares used to be
about monsters under my bed
and the demons in my head
but I don't check under my bed
nor look in my closet for them anymore
because my nightmares only consist
about you, and the pain
if i ever lose you

He believes in patterns and numbers;
That everything is calculated
From the way a person walk
To the waves of the ocean
Even if it seemed random
It actually isn't
But then he looked at me and said
"maybe not everything"
He laughs and turns around
Trying to balance himself
On the big rocks by the seashore
"You contradict my beliefs
And maybe that's why I love you
Because you're beyond the rules"
I told him that maybe
Just maybe, not everything is calculated
And that it has to be a mystery
Because till this day
I never fully understood him
And it led to more questions
Than answers

I fell in love once
And i fell too hard
He left me scarred and broken
Unfixable even
And you came along
With your awkward talks
And devious smiles
Late night conversations about
What the future holds for us,
I don't want to fall in love again
Because I'm not sure
If you'd catch me

He loves the girl who smiles and tell jokes,
who would bother him from time to time
yet he still finds it attractive.
He loves the girl who is clever and creative,
someone whose ideas you will grow to love.
He cannot stop talking to her because she is simply charming,
who he finds so mysterious because he can never guess what
she's thinking.

I am sad and pathetic,
totally not clever or charming.
My mood is a roller coaster that seems to bother you so much.
Smiles that don't reach my eyes because they're filled with tears.
I am nothing but trouble,
and a wreck whose life has no direction.

There will be people like her
who will always belong to the sky,
because you know that her rightful place
is among the stars, and the galaxies,
because you are sure that she is above earthly things.

That's why no matter how hard you try,
she will never be yours,
not fully,
because she might be with you,
but her eyes will twinkle and you know she's gone,
she's in a place that you cannot reach.

So it's okay to let her go,
because you know that deep down,
she was never yours to begin with.
She's just a traveller from another universe.

I know you're confused.
You wonder how it could go from "i love you" to "i don't care" in just one day.
Somehow, between the lines of of his "sweet dreams" and "goodbye"
you became one of his forgotten dreams.

Oh, and it breaks my heart more
to know that you spent all your time praying to God, if there is one
to take you back in time,
and you prayed really hard that day
even if you don't consider yourself religious.
Because you were lost and broken, so maybe God will take pity on you,
even just once.

You and I both know that deep within that broken self of yours,
it is being held by a sliver of hope.
That's why you didn't crumble.

You were taken aback so much,
that you didn't even cry.
You just lied on your bed, staring into the darkness that is engulfing you, like a mother cradling her child.
If monsters were real, you hoped that they come and get you that night.
But they didn't.
So you woke up in the morning, feeling nothing.
You were glad you had a reason to skip school that day.

And you finally cried,
as if your tears finally realized you needed to let out the pain.
You took three showers that day,
only because your mom caught you crying in your room.

Oh and I beg you, don't put that blade on your skin.
And I know you remembered how you promised to him that you wouldn't hurt yourself.
So you kept your promise,
you drew flowers on your wrists instead.

But it has to get better right?
You're going to run out of tears soon.

So this is why this letter is made,
letting you know that  poets write their pain on a paper,
not on their skin.

Tonight she will tell her parents "I love you" and hug them very tightly.
She will ask if she can sleep beside them just like when she was young and afraid of the dark.
Then she'll text everyone she cares about a "good night and thanks for being a great person :)" and call the person she really cares about and say "I love you".
All of them are clueless,
that she plans to sneak out at 5 in the morning,
before the sun rises
and walk to the bridge near her place.
And at her final moments she will finally cry, because she had to make sure everyone's last memory of her will be a good thing.
They couldn't see her like this, so miserable and pathetic.
No, she has to make sure that everyone will not see the side she despised the most,
so that's why she wrote on her note how her friends are amazing,
and how her parents are very loving;
because she has to make sure they wouldn't blame themselves,
it's just that she could not make it to the finish line.

She's a lost cause
Right from the start
The darkness engulfed her
And so did the bitter cold
She was screaming for help
But she's utterly alone
Alone in this world
With no one to hold on to
Just a lost cause
Who wanted to know
What a touch
From someone feels like
But I guess she'll die
Cold and alone
With nothing but
Her demons in her head

A world built
Using playing cards
Can be knock down
By anything
So she goes to bed
With her sneakers on
And sleeps with
One eye open
Ready to run away
When her world
collapses

He was just a guy                                                              ­                                                              I'm­ just a guy
Who simply caught my eye                                                              ­        Who is lucky enough to know her
With that daring smile of his                                                              ­                         The sound of her laugh
Can leave the whole world breathless                                                       ­                    Leaves me breathless
His sense of humour is weird                                                            ­                     She enjoys peculiar things
But I like it that way                                                              ­                                  And I like her just as she is
He's comfortable with silence                                                          ­               The way she talks about books
Because he knows and understands                                                      ­               Like it's the love of her life
That I get lost in my thoughts sometimes                                                        ­                  Makes me wonder
Or get too occupied with a book                                                           If she'll ever talk about me like that
But I'm just me                                                               ­                                                          But I'm just a guy
And I don't think that's good enough                                                      And I don't particularly stand out
Because I don't deserve a guy like him                                            I'm not one of her favourite characters
I'm not funny, or smart, or beautiful                                                        ­Nor a celebrity from her tv shows
And certainly not interesting                                          Because I know that I don't deserve a girl like her
But I'm happy just being with him                                         Who can brighten my day with her presence
Because he's simply lovely in every way there is                      And she's simply beautiful in every way

You broke my heart with your harsh words,
and I broke yours with my silence

It just kicks in
Without a warning
Like a storm during a calm sunny day
So sudden
It's something you can't control
And it's scaring me
It might be the thing that will **** me,
Not an accident
Nor sickness
Or a homicide
But a thought,
That's what will **** me
And I don't think I want it to

I am not a thing
that you can just keep away
when you're tired of using me

I am not going to be a part of your collection
which you just keep in your shelf
when you find a better one
to keep yourself entertained

and no, I am certainly not yours
because you decided that a long time ago
the moment you decided to let me gather dust
on your shelves

I will not be the broken one
and give you the right to throw me away

No, I left because I wanted to
I don't want to be your plaything anymore
And I am certainly an idiot for believing that
I am one of your deemed treasures

Thigh gaps
Empty stomach
Skin and bones
This are all the things
We aim as girls
Because society's definition
of "pretty" is
Skinny and petite
But since when
Does hollow space
Count as "beauty"

your laughter
can drown my pain

your warmth can make
this coldness within me vanish

drown me with your love

but what will i do now?
the ocean is dry

the coldness is back
and the darkness surrounds me

you are out of love
while i am still in love

your hands will never be
intertwined with mine

everything is gone
nothing but darkness

the warmth i used to feel
is now filled with bitter cold

the ocean is dry
because you are out of love
while i am still in love

Mr. Smith seemed like a good neighbor
Who has a usual routine and greets her good morning
Little did she know that there was something else
Behind his good mornings and greetings on the streets
And one night she didn't realize
There was another shadow, and it wasn't hers
And something unspeakable happened
She grew up believing it was her fault
Because Mr. Smith is a good neighbor
Or so that's what society says
Because it's always the victim's fault
And not the perpetrator
Apparently she provoked the action
At the age of 20 she still can't speak
Because if she does she will be attacked
Not with sticks but with words
She will be labeled as a *****
So she forced herself to believe
That it was her fault
Because Mr. Smith is a good neighbor

Nicotine and broken dreams
Lungs filled with nothing but smoke
While drowning in alcohol
Cuz darling, death is a friend of mine
And I've got nothing to fight for anymore
I'm lost in this labyrinth
Another night with you is all I ask
But I don't have the money,
Will a pack of cigarettes be enough for another night?

It's to know you're not sad,
because you have no reason to
especially when you had a good day today;
and that the thoughts aren't yours
but it's in your head
you can't stop hearing it
and sometimes it makes you cry
sometimes it makes you feel nothing
and then you lie on your bed
thinking it's another day without doing your work
because when you lift up your pencil,
your hand trembles
and you feel weak

And it's not like this everyday,
usually you'd go for days, weeks, even months
without these thoughts

but then you suddenly can't breathe,
and then you'd feel that the weight of your heart
is something you can't carry,
and then you cry for no reason.
You feel like you've been hit by a truck,
and it hurts.

that's why you want it to end,
but you don't want to stop breathing


but it feels like it's the only way out.