I'm on the bathroom floor.
Naked, shower water dripping off me.
A black towel limp on my shoulders.

There is a hallow, pulling ache within my chest.

I feel a desperate loneliness.
A longing for a friend, a comforter that I used to have.
Part of me believes that he is a fiction of my imagination.

He used to be my best friend and lover.
On empty, lonely nights like this one I could call to him.
I could talk to him deeply. Like none other, He would wrap his arms around me and comfort me.

Peace.

Now he is gone.
I've shoved him out of my life.

I feel like he is a fairytale that I thought up as a child.

Now, that fairytale has disappeared.
I'm facing the cold world on my own, unwilling to believe in that fairytale again,
Yet so convinced it's the only way.

Alone.

There is a strange pain inside,
Or some type of emotion.
I don't really want to feel it
But on the other hand I do

I'm not sure what to call it
It isn't one of the few emotional friends that used to visit me late at night

Those were more violent
More sad
More depressed

This one is sorta calm
Yet sorta hurtful
Sorta lost

There is a weird comfort in this one
I can almost get lost in it.
And don't really want to let it go

I must look ridiculous
Sitting in the shower,
Naked,
With towel on my head,
The shower door open
137 at night,
Or in the morning,
Or whatever


What am I doing here?

I want to hold onto this moment
Get lost in the emotion

Make him,
Or her,
Or whatever this is,
My dear and close friend
Stay

Maybe it will help me to change,
Find myself again

Or maybe it will help me get lost in this weird mess of a life

And I won't have to figure out anything...
Or come back again.

By nature, I run.
By nature I push you away.
Please, make me stop.
Don’t let me push you.
Let me see you.

But I love this world.
It tastes so sweet.

It is the poison that I love…
the poison the I can’t live without,
the poison that is killing my soul,
the poison the has me chained.

I don’t want to be chained.
I want to be free.

But I don’t care about anything anymore.
I enjoy being dead inside.
Its all I know.
It feels comfortable.

I don’t want to be free.
But I want to be free.
But I don’t want to fight anymore.
I was to lay in my mire,
lay in my *****.

It is my safety blanket soaked in poison.
It is my strength.
It feeds my body while draining every drop from me.
I am dying.
But I want to die…

This drug,
It's  destroying me
It's  wrecking my life
to the point where I can hardly breathe

It's hard to stand
It's hard to make it through the day

Without this drug
Its hold is getting stronger and stronger
When I'm depressed, I run to it
When I am weak, I cling to it.

What does it do?
It helps me for a second... for a minutes
It helps me to forget the pain that I am in...
momentarily.

The doses are becoming larger
the tolerance becoming stronger
My body shakes for it
Yearns for it
Dreams about it

This drug numbs the pain of my reality
But this drug is causing more pain in my reality
....the little reality that I know....

Maybe I am being overly dramatic
Maybe I just like to draw a show to myself
But I think I am really trapped

If I don't push this drug away,
If I don't lay it down now,
There may be no turning back

With every ounce of my strength
With the little will power left in my body
I push this drug away

I am not sure how I will make it through the day
I am not sure how I will deal with my reality
But I can't let this drug consume me any longer

If I let it win,
Only one thing can happen
And that is death...

I am not ready for that,
Not yet
Because there is still a small flicker of life
stirring in my bones....

These words that I am about to write,
they aren’t for you.
They are for me,
For me to remember my mistakes with you,
So that I can spare myself repeated pain.

You are a myth,
a myth that I believed in.

When I saw you,
first started talking to you,
I was drawn towards you.

You were strong,
in build and in character.
You were different,
and there was something that pulled me to you.

I began to drink you in,
enjoying the taste of your presents.

I was looking for a place to belong.
A man to call my own.
A man to call me his own.

But out of insecurity,
I ran quickly to you
Before knowing who you are,
Before realizing that you aren’t the type of man that I desire.

You possessed a quality,
something within you that I was blind to,
that I didn’t want to believe.

Know that I don’t completely blame you.
Much of our friction,
Many of the mistakes was due to me.
I was the one that pushed you away,
because I was insecure and scared.
But it makes me mourn the type of man you are.


From the start, we talked about ***.
We were drawn towards each other’s bodies.
We planned on ******* from the start.
But what if we waited?
You said why?
I wanted it to be special.
But you said we would click,
so why wait….

But I had done this before.
I had ****** with so many men from the start.
I was worn from giving myself physically,
only to be drained emotionally.

I wanted this to be different.

I only wanted to feel your touch when I knew you cared.
But I was weak…
I was needy
And had no respect for myself.

So once again,
I dropped my clothes,
and bent over for another man...

From the start,
you were rough.
******* was your game.

For pleasure,
You had to control.

After a few hard *****,
and a few dates,
you looked at me and said you liked me,
a lot.

But what would have happened if I told you I wanted to wait?
If I wanted to stop *******?
Would you have?

What if I told you
I didn’t want it rough,
That I didn’t want to be your ****.

Emotionally,
I wasn’t okay.
In order for it to be okay,
I needed to be secure in myself,
And not quickly settle,
And give myself away.

I ran from you.
Then came back.

Then pushed away.
Then came back.

Repeat.
Repeat.

I came back one more time,
Telling myself I just wanted to ****.
But I really wanted your love.
This was the only way I knew how to try and get you back.

Why did I try again?
Because I was drawn to you.
I might have been able to love you.

Yes,
this game was unfair.
I was playing means games.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry for the way that I treated you.

But, I want you to know,
I want myself to know,
that the way you treated me,
when we were dating and when we were just friends,
wasn’t okay.

The last time I saw you,
We becomes drunk.
You threw me down.

I let you tie my hands
And bend me over.
I was still trying to earn your love.
It was all so ****** up.

I was such a hurting fool.
To you,
I was just a thing for you to ****.

I was your animal.
And you were my master.

You hit me until I cried out,
And kept going.
You wouldn’t stop until you were satisfied.
To you, it was just a game.
To me,
I tried to pretend.

You didn’t stop there.
After you ****** me,
you tossed me aside.
I was no longer good enough for you.
You demand to have two girls to dominate.
By myself, I’m was no good.

From the start,
you just wanted someone you could ****,
someone you could call your *** slave.
You called me a **** from the start.

At the end you said
Obey me,
or never come back again.

I shouldn’t have been with you from the start.
But I wanted you….

I don’t blame you for all of this.
I have simply come to understand the truth,
And let myself see the man that you are,
And the woman that I was….

You took advantage of me.
You abused me.
In no way did you protect me.
I don’t think that you are a real man.

I abused your feelings from the start.
I played games.
I was insecure and didn’t respect myself.
Why should you respect me?

I blame myself for coming back to you.
For believing in this myth.
For believe loved could be formed
by giving myself to you
without you earning my body.

It is too late for me to change the past,
to erase our relationship.
But it isn’t too late for me to see
that I don’t have to fall in love with this myth again,
That I don’t want to be that girl again.

Don’t leave my memory.
I need to remember what kind of man you are
And what type of girl I was.
I need to remember this myth,
So that I will never believe in it again.

I deserve a man,
a man who will love and cherish me,
Who will protect me when I can’t protect myself.

I want to be a strong confident woman,
for me,
Not for any man.
I only want to give myself to someone out of
desire,
not out of insecurity
or desperate emotions.

I forgive myself for abusing our relationship.
I forgive myself for letting you in.
And I forgive you.
But I will not forget what you did to me.
Because I never want to return to that hell again.

I am a treasure.
I am worthy of respect and love.
And it has to start here.

Inside, I ache, I hurt, I am hallow.
I want my heart beat back.
But in order to get it back,
I have to surrender to you.

Part of me loves you.
Part of me hates you.
I am fighting against you.

Do I keep on with the dreams that you gave me?
Or do I **** them so that I can move on...

If I move on, I have to **** you in my heart.
I don't want to.
I want to feel your presents when I am scared.
I want to feel you holding me when I am about to fall.

But I am not beautiful.
I am not successful.
I have not achieved anything.
I must do this without you.
I must become successful on my own.

I feel like I am dying.
The most intense pain consumes me.
It is the pain of loneliness,
of purposelessness,
of the deepest sorrow that can't be put into words.

I want to be naked before you.
I want you to see my sin,
my pain,
my hurt.
I want you to tell me that you love me,
that you are the only thing that I need,
the only one that I need to keep me alive.

BREATHE SOME LIFE INTO ME!
STRIP AWAY MY STUBBORN SOUL!
SO THAT I CAN COME HOME TO YOU!

No more telling people of my sin.
No more telling people of the ache within me.
It is my secret.
It is my slave, or I guess I am its.

GOD! I have taken away the life that you have given me.
But how can I let you back in.
I can't. I can't. I can't.

How am I supposed to write right now?
How am I supposed to speak,
when I don’t even know what I feel.

I’m afraid to write.
Because I’m afraid to fail.
But what am I afraid to fail about?
I’m trying to help myself.
I’m trying to write to tell myself what I feel.

I’m afraid to feel.
I’m afraid to be real.
I’m afraid that I will be rejected.

I simply want someone to hold me. help me. save me.

But I’m afraid to reach out.
Because I’m afraid of rejection.
I’m afraid of mockery,
and misunderstanding.

I’m tired of being different.
I’m tired of sticking out.

Can I just drink and **** like everyone else?

I don’t want to be a holy christian,
but I don’t want to be a crazy sinner,
but I don’t feel like I can be anyone in between.

I don’t know who I am.
I don’t how how to think.

**** me. Please, simply numb me.

Leaving the past behind,
I had forgotten you.

Maybe I think of you from time to time,
But then I push you out of my mind.
I'm moving on,
leaving the old behind,
beginning anew.

But with a simple hello,
you come back into my world.
Why? Why do you do this to me?
We can't exist together anymore.
We aren't meant to be.

So what shall we do?
I think you want me back even though I've hurt you.
But it's not good for me or you.

We might sleep together once or twice again,
say that we care for each other....
Maybe you care,
but I'll just say so because I feel guilty,
because I let you have a part of me again...

But I don't really care.
I want to care.
I want someone to love me and someone to love back.
But you aren't the one.
And I'm not the one for you.

I'm becoming happy with who I am.
And honestly, I'm happy being alone.
I am happy without you.

Someday I'll find a side to sleep by.
I'll find a hand to hold.
But now is not the time.
I won't trick myself into thinking that you are the one.

I let you go.
No more hurting you.
No more hurting me.

So please,
for your sake and mine,
let me go.
Let us go.

Walk up to a table with a smile on my face,
"How are you?"

My hand mechanically scribes their order. My spirit isn't present.

My mind is cloudy and stormy but nothing is moving, no thunder yet.

I push my finger against the lemonade button.

My mind begins to shake,
Wind from the east begins to push in,
And the buckets of rain begin to weld up.

I try and keep the flood gates of my eyes strong,  but the ghostly rain pushes and pushes.  The wind captures my breath and my body begins to shake... gasping for air.

The storm and pounding rain that will cause the green lushis grass to grow has begun

Love,
It isn’t for me.

It is for perfect people.
People with a beautiful voice.
People with strength in their eyes.
People with perfect bodies.
People with perfect confidence.

I don’t believe in love, well love for me.
I feel unnoticed, in the corner.

I’ve tried standing,
But I’ve never stood out.

People tell me I’m beautiful,
That I have talents and a purpose,
That I am one of a kind…

But aren’t my friends and family supposed to say these things to me?
Do they mean what they say?
I don’t think so.

And I don’t care how I look anymore….

It comes like a hawk in the night,
It comes from deep inside the soul.

Its mark is the the ache, the pain, the hurt
that never goes away.

You know its coming,
when you feel the flood of undescrible emotions
creeping back into your soul.

It swoops in unexpected,
Stays longer than welcomed.
Nothing can make it go away.

Its only food is the joy of the heart,
Its mark is pain and sorrow.
Everytime it leaves, it takes part of its victim with it,
leaving the victim half alive in a pile of blood.
It is too evil to simply ****.

I have tried to fight.
I have failed.
I have tried to run.
I cannot hide.
I have tried to cry.
But the tears don't wash the aftermath way.

Helpless, it has left me helpless.

No one can find it.
No one can **** it.
No one can stop it.

Good girl,
good girl he says as long as I obey.

Yesterday, I was strong.
I didn't let him order me around...

But his sweetness poisoned my mind.
I couldn't think straight.
I wanted his love.
I wanted him.

Bit by bit he whittled me down.
Bit by bit I let my standards slip.

I began to send him pictures...
pictures with his name on me.
I began to see myself, my body, as his possession.

One minute he would say sweet things.
He would tell me I was beautiful, no gorgeous.
I was his girl.

The next minute, he was angry, because I wouldn't do as he said.
I felt pain.
I didn't want to make him mad.
But I didn't want to do as he said.

When I resisted, he went away.
I couldn't have that.
I was poisoned by his loved.

So, each time, I went a little further...
Part of me still fought...but not for long.

I kept freaking out on him.
I kept pushing him away.
But I was so drunk on him,
that I always came crawling back.

I begged him to forgive me,
and then...I offered myself up to him.
He could do whatever he wanted to my body.
He could let anyone **** it.

He said I was wonderful.
He said I was beautiful.

But now I know he just wanted control.
He wanted a slave.

Now when I look in the mirror,
I don't see beauty,
I see a toy for a man's pleasure.

I've pushed him away for the last time.

I can't live with him,
but my heart is having a hard time living without him.
My mind is still drunk over him.

Hopefully, I will forget these scars someday...
Someday, I might even respect myself again...

Tonight, I dare to hope.
I dare to hope that you will work.

I was afraid,
I afraid that you would just disappear
like all of the other men.

Is it too soon, my dear?
Is it too soon to hope?

Well, it might be,
but there is a little hope,
a little hope that you will stay,
a little hope that what you say is true.

I will try not to hope to much.

I keep pushing it down.

But I think I'll take the risk;
I think I'll take that chance,
and hope just a little.

I don't want u to touch me,
I don't want u to come near me.

If u want me,
You will have to earn me.

I won't listen to words,
So tired of sweet talk

Show me u want more
Than to know my *****

Show me that u want to know me
How I think
What I feel
What I dream about at night
Or better yet during the day

Yes, you can have *** and still learn these things about me

But I've had so much ***
Been hurt
Haven't let anyone in

I'm not sure if a man can love me for other than my body
He hasn't proven that to me

I need you to show me first
First that you want me for more than my *****, *** and *****

Show me that you care
That you will listen to me
That you will dream with me
That you will run along side of me

And then you can have all of me

I have a spark,
I have a fire,
I have a flame,
kindling within my soul.

You look into my eyes, you can see it.
You touch my skin, you can feel it.
You close your eyes, you can hear it.

I set myself on fire.
My dreams have been lit,
my dream of setting others free,
my dream of giving a little child hope,
my dream of giving a mother a future,
my dream of giving a father strength,
my dream of showing people that they can change the world.

I believe in my dreams.

You can't **** the spark now.
It is a consuming fire.

I believe in more than my dream.
I believe in more than the fire.
I believe in me.

I block you out, so I can live, so I can breath...
But who am I kidding? Who am I fooling?
I'm lying....to myself...
The only way to live, is to die...die to myself, and live to Christ.

In Christ alone I have life.
In Christ alone can I be free.
The path isn't easy.
Sometimes it *****.
Sometimes I wanna cry.
Sometimes I wanna give in to my flesh...well most of the time.
The memories of the past haunt me.
I can't get rid of the memories...the pain.

But then I look up, and see the cross...the blood...the love...it is for this love I love....it is for this love I live.

He is worth all the pain.
He is worth dying for.
Praise be to my king.
Yes, my king.

Now that my eyes are up and my hands stretched out...I can breath.
Now I can dance.
Now...now, I can wake up and live.

My mind needs to focus on the task at hand,
But its drifting away to another place.
That place is you.
Yes you.

I thought frequently about you throughout the day.
Thoughts of you brought feelings of
peace,
rest,
safety.
I am not sure why.

I think it is because you accept me for who I am.
You forgive me for my mistakes.
And you like me for me.
That makes me feel safe.
That makes me feel calm.

So, I want you to know,
for some reason you are special to me.
I don’t claim you.
I won’t try to control or cling to you.
I won’t call you mine until you chose to be.
I will simply enjoy your presents…
but this will be hard for me.

As you know,
I love to control.
I want control over my path,
over my future,
over the relationships I have.
I don’t like the idea of being hurt,
or not knowing how the path will end.

I want to make you love me.
But I can’t.
And I won’t.

True love doesn’t come out of force.
It comes from a bond,
a deep bond of two souls.

So, my dear,
let this relationship be what it will be.
but know this:
I care for thee.

I think I could fall for you,
cuz you make me feel amazing.
When I see you I light up.
When I walk with you I feel secure.
But you aren't mine.
So I let you go.
If you choose to stay, stay.
If you choose to go, go.
But I won't cling.
I won't clutch,
because I still need to be me.
Being alone is not that bad,
just with you life is beautiful.
But I must stay me.
So I let you go,
not for yourself,
but for myself,
because I can't lose myself in you.
Someday, if it works out,
then we shall be happy together
because we each shall be whole.
So, my dear,
if you stay, then stay,
but if you must go,
then you can go.
I will always be here.
I will always be whole.
Thank you for helping me be me.

There is a tune I love to dance to
Its inside my head

No one gave it to me
No one has ever heard it,
Except for me

You see,  I was born with it
It is the thing that puts the spark in my eye
The spring in my step
The laugh in my voice

It is my job to share this song with the world....
For only I can share it

But there is a catch.
I cannot sing it.
I must simply show it.