Your name is on the tip of my tongue each moment I have an opportunity to say it
"Oh X and I were just talking about that-"
"X doesn't like that kind of food."
"That's so funny, X was saying the same thing!"
I've never liked the feeling of someone else's name on my mouth more
These are the moments when I wish the folk tales told to me as a child were true
Because if I could say your name three times and you'd appear, I would sing it like a song
Humming each time I felt myself wish you were here
I wonder if your ears burn when I laugh your name to my friends, filling the room with the anxious adoration of my energy
Does my name hold the same power?
The ability to masquerade panic as confidence, in the moments most required
Only to later melt into the world just through recalling the moment you used my name in warmth

During an experience, I feel your presence wrap it’s warm arms around me
And for a moment I am safe
For a moment you are here
Only to be dragged back to reality, kicking and screaming
There is no denying that this is how things are now
I am alone
And that doesn’t mean that I’m lonely
But it does mean I’m without you
And like a phantom limb, I am often reaching out of habit
Only to find empty space
Where your hands once were

Decisiveness is a surefire way to know that I'm upset
If you ask me a question
And I don't linger
Prepare for a later moment where I yell, cry, or am completely silent
I am decisive out of necessity
I am decisive because taking my time is a luxury and I sink into like a bath
I wrap my hands around the bubbles, make myself a hat and ask you: "How do I look?"
If I'm decisive, it's because you've hurt me
And even though I want to take off the seriousness of my desicions like jeans at the end of the day
I risk losing my momentum
I risk losing your respect
Because you don't take me seriously when I'm indecisive
Because that's when I'm most like my myself

When I kiss him
It will be gentle
There will be no signs of forced entry
The doors will be unlocked
I will come quietly
Carefully
When I kiss him
I will move slowly
My lips will occupy new space with admission
He will keep the windows open
And a warm taste will wash over us; feeling vaguely familar
As if our tongues remember the way our minds do
When I kiss him
My hands will reach for his cheeks
Anticipating small patches of stubble that he was comfortable enough to keep
The lights will be off
The morning will be soon
We will have had little sleep
And only small traces of my touch will be leftover in his delayed breathing

Sometimes I stay awake in the early mornings
Listening to the shower of sound that comes from the wind tossing through the trees
And wish that at this hour, other things kept my company
The way memories do

Of your hand on my hip, bunching my pajamas in the ball of your fist
Taking a deep breath
And finally
Moving away
With your breath still warm on my lips
Murmuring in tired song about your intentions
About our choices

"What are we going to do?"
"Nothing."

I'm going to sleep now
With your voice swirling in my mind
And your laugh speckling the silence of 2am in technicolor
This canvas of exhaustion is covered in you
And I've never been more happy
To feel so tired

I am allowed to fight for me
It doesn't make me uncompassionate
It doesn't make me selfish
It doesn't make me less than enough
It makes me strong
It makes me proud
It makes me brave
I am allowed to fight for me
Because I am worthy of being fought for
Because I need to take care of myself first and foremost
Because I deserve a hero like me

The water is cold and touches the parts of me that feel foreign
I am still pulling needles out of my hair
Bits of broken green and mud spiral into the drain in quick motions
The more I scrub at my skin, the harder it becomes to erase the damage I can't remember
For a moment I wonder how many inches of water is required to drown
When the moment is over I carefully step out of the shower
My eyes connect with the nurse, she tells me that I can wear these clothes because mine had to be thrown away
Only half an hour ago I reached to pull down my underwear to find nothing
I needed to be inspected
A black hole with a past I didn't know needed to be examined
This felt like the kind of dream where all the images are blurred and control is lost, the character moving forward doesn't resemble the one that fell asleep
I nod and begin to dress myself in an oversized hoodie and sweatpants
My sister comes to pick me up, she is in tears
I try to make a joke
To recall the person before
She doesn't laugh
I am not the same
A gravity weighs down the air, like a wolf fetching for the ****; it bites down on the neck of my spirit and draws blood
It remains there for months
And will come to claim it's full prize in a court room
Full of men defending men
With reasons that vary depending on the sport, the class, the color, the ***,
I was unconscious that night but I am awake to see the picture of you they use in the news
You are smiling
Eyes wide
You are a "good boy", a "future will be destoryed", a "made a mistake" kind of man
I am a "binge drinker", an "attention seeker", a "should of known better" kind of girl
You feel you have won
But I never finished fighting
I will declare a war
Not for you
But for the girl before
For the victims whose voice was once unsure
I hear you
And we will shout together

This is the day I realize that a person can love two people at once
And still not know how to love themself

You are a broken clock
Fixated on keeping time
Persistent on my eyes to watch
As the years go by
As I've lost my pride
You continue to lie
And now routine has become the devils alibi
Lost concepts of freedom and love
Float but do not stay in my mind
I am programmed to keep within the hours
Despite their misguidance
Despite their need to hurt and contain
Shatter and refrain
You are a broken clock
That I thought I could fix
But my hands are sore
And my heart is weary
And the time has never changed

There is a galaxy inside my body
Stars ripple at the surface of my skin
The milky way plays across my lips
I sing in constellations that will make you want to visit the parts of me that aren't so pretty
I will capture you in my black holes and darken your skies
Your eyes will only see the light as it fades

There is a galaxy inside my body
And it is unravelling
Planets begin to collide and erupt
Suns and moons are fearful of one another and in this panic will reach further and further
Until their edges can be seen in my hands
My lungs cannot contain the instability of this air

There is a galaxy inside my body
People do not travel past the gates of my ribs
Men gaze with telescopes from the ground, speculating  
But do not seek to know more than their judgements can dictate
I have visitors from time to time
But the rings of matter that circle my heart choke them out
I return them broken or estranged

I have a galaxy inside my body
And only the brave begin to understand
Because humanity is so afraid of the unknown

Your eyes are the shade of blue I will paint our kitchen
And we will sit quietly together in the minutes of the morning when breathing will feel loud
Not a word will be needed to hear the millions of things these moments will speak
We will drink dark coffee, drenched in too much cream and too much sugar because the taste is comforting    
And we will inhale every detail, to store for later when the day becomes too hard to handle  
Because these little secret rituals of ours will make it all easier,
will allow us to appreciate the seconds we have,
will remind us of the day I decided that your eyes would be the shade of blue I would paint our kitchen

My mind may be wise
But my heart is young
And what I know is so different from what I've done

Thank you for breaking me
When I was so young
For shattering my mind
As though there was nothing else to be done
For making me conceal
Open wounds that needed treating
For making me hate
That my heart was even beating
Thank you for causing so much pain
I hope you've lost more than what you've gained
Sinking your jaw into my untouched skin
Marvel at what you've made, at the beast within
Wash me in nightmares
Sink me in heartache
Burn all I have
Be my secret mistake
Thank you for causing me to wish for a gun
To see knifes as the friendly ones
For the constant lying that comes from abuse
A crafted mask I've learned to misuse
Thank you for pulling apart every bit of my soul
So the next time I love, I'll never feel whole
For morphing my hands into weak, shaking fragments
For creating a body in need of enhancement
Thank you for blowing a gap in my life
Between everyone who cares and those that want a fight
For causing every touch to be a horrendous memory
For making childhood seem like an unneeded commodity
Take a look, straight in the eyes
At what you've created
A severed soul, always dictated
I hope you're proud of the mess you made
You, a monster of a man
And I, your endured slave

I am lonely tonight
Because although your company remains
Your mind will not hesitate to stray

Metal through wood
And diamond through stone
I walk this path on my own
No hands to hold
No lips to touch
I break my heart just to feel the rush
Feet are throbing but I walk alone
Loss of the days when I used to moan
Chin upward so I don't feel the sting
I've broken us but not everything
Arrow through skin
And cement through glass
I talk to myself as a way to get past
No eyes to watch
No body to warm
I snap my bones as a way to transform
Muscles ache but I push against limits
Now days move in seconds rather than minutes
Smile stronger so they see and believe
You are not the only thing that I need
Fire through paper
And knife through water
I breathe a different air to reduce the slaughter
No words to reach
No heart to keep
I puncture a hole in the lungs of my responsibilites
Taking in carbon monoixde without taste
Searching for meaning so I'm not a waste
Stand a little taller than I did before
Pretending I can achieve a life that's so much more
Teeth through plastic
And hand through chest
I feel destroyed rather than blessed.

Allow me to place you on the pedestal of my stage
And let men gaze at you longingly for days
If you fall then we'll have another on it's way
No need to worry, you were never first place

Sometimes I wonder
If twelve months of moments
Were spent learning or forgetting
Casting old flames to water or gasoline
If we smiled or cried more
Then we ever had before
Sometimes I wonder
If twelve months of memories
Were held close or pushed away
Leaving us with everything or nothing to say                                              
If we took time or wasted it
On each other or on ourselves    
Sometimes I wonder
If twelve months of secrets
Built walls or shattered them
Kept keys or threw locks  
Watched shadowed eyes or widened mouths
Sometimes I wonder
If twelve months of us
Is a fact to be proud of or mourn
If I should consider my heart torn
If sunlight comes in the darkest of moments or if the dark is my home

You took me by surprise
A night in endless February breathing cold whispers down my neck
I shook and watched the lights sparkle lives of curious strangers and thought of your eyes
You were not what I expected
Not what I imagined
But still all I wanted
You were not rambunctious
Not common
But still infinitely fascinating
You took me by surprise
An evening surrounded by the hums of conversation and the constant smell of milky earl grey
I relaxed and watched wordless gestures indicate what a voice could only dream and thought of your lips
You were not what I expected
You were not dull
Not smiling
But still boundlessly thoughtful
You took me by surprise
A twilight setting heated with anticipation and light string violins weighing the room into silence
I beamed and reached my eyes to the parade of tuning winds that put poetry to shame and thought of your hands
You were not what I expected
You were not slight
Not sympathetic
But still continually passionate
A question I ask over and over
A problem I assumed I could solve
You took me by surprise
You were not easy
Not simple
But hopelessly loving
A tired Tuesday morning that quivered without energy and left me stained bloodshot eyes
I yawned and covered my iris with layers of skin as countless voices called names and I thought of your heart
You took me by surprise
You were not  a flame
Not a friend
But an eternal companion
Whom I pray my years of memories are kind to