You agitate, I soothe

I laugh, you cry

You procrastinate, I plan

I toil, you sleep

You mingle, I retreat

I reach, you blench

You deceive, I release

I purify, you violate

You mystify, I enlighten

I grow, You shrink

You ignore, I explore

I create, you destroy

You devour, I nibble

I give, you take

You walk, I run

I defend, you assault

You subtract, I add

*I love, you hate

You always want to know how my day has gone
You try to make me laugh when I'm down
You tell me how you want to be with me all day long

You ask me how I am every single day
You say you love all of my imperfections
Nothing else screams "I love you" more than your subtle ways

And I really appreciate all that you do for me
But the sad truth is
As hard as I've tried, I just can't love you as much as you love me

There are people, whether you'd like to believe
With their heads in the clouds
There are people, with more than just tricks up their sleeves.

There are people
with minds that wander
There are people
who hide under
Tables, and ceilings, and shelves.
Or smiles.

When I was younger
I would squeeze myself into tightness
Some nights I still feel like that
When hell breaks loose
And my head reminds me
Of a boxing ring
Or a shooting range
Or a couple's therapy.

I aim my gun, and pull the trigger.
Maybe one day,
One day,
I'll stop pretending I don't hope for too much.

The world outside today seemed to be too much for me
the walls keep closing in, i can’t find the room to breathe
i’m left there alone
hollow eyes and aching bones
i’ve laid dormant from dawn
to dusk but now i see the sun
night is gone, another day done
as i lay locked on the bedroom floor
my shoulder blades press into my thin rug
protruding vertebrae finding wood below
the rain smell hanging from poisoned oaks
gray skies hover
endless cloud cover
all pinning me down
these days all I can do is suffer

but the birds outside my window
in a chorus they say
you don’t have to fear today
But the birds outside my window
they sing me awake
it’s okay, it’s okay it’s okay

the sun, the trees the summer breeze
they nudge me saying please
it’s been three days since you’ve eaten, Louise
you’re nothing but fuzzy brain weak knees
get up, just get some coffee
but I remain paralyzed
glass eyes towards skys learning
pattern of ceiling fan turning
whirring and churning
all the heavy humidity away
but my skin will not evaporate
no matter how much i will it to dissipate
i hate to have my body stay
while my mind starts to disintegrate


but the birds outside my window
in a chorus they say
you don’t have to fear today
But the birds outside my window
they sing me awake
it’s okay, it’s okay it’s okay

light leaks in from the swayingcurtain
the storm is passed, weatherman’s certain
and though the sun cuts the grey asunder
in my mind there still lies thunder
my cobwebbed lungs refuse to work
as the heavy thoughts continue to lurk
but breaking through murky background
i hear sparrows start a symphony sound
and with their rounds and rounds of chords  
their song did rise more and more
and my eyes came into focus  
loosing that notion of hopeless
i started to feel almost human
only songbirds’ tunes to pull me in
closer and closer to some reality
through blinding light i start to see
the pinewood  outside begins to dry
my rusty heart decides to try
I reach my head out the window
with eyes shut, panes clutched
i drink the sun’s glow
with all i have,  my ribs force a heave
and i find that,  finally I can breathe

but the birds outside my window
in a chorus they say
you don’t have to fear today
But the birds outside my window
they sing me awake
it’s okay, it’s okay it’s okay

Dear my Bluebird,

Tonight I wrote letters to those who have left me somewhat less than before, and one to another who has helped me put myself back together again.

Tonight I realized that that's okay, because what they took are not things that could not be replaced or renewed or bettered.

I know the subjects of pt. 1 and pt. 3 will upset you. I know you dislike the people they are addressed to. And I do not blame you. There's no reason for you to like them, especially as I have been left in the condition I have been left in.

I also know you will read this in the morning.

But I love you. I hope you know that your kindness and protective nature is something so new and beautiful to me. I hope you know that I appreciate you and everything you are and that you do. I also hope you know that I find you brave and brilliant. Hearing you speak about anything that fascinates you, really, stimulates a part of my heart that has never found so much joy in hearing another human being be.

I might not sleep tonight, but I might not have to. As long as I remember the feeling of your fingers intertwined with mine, some type of peace will be found tonight.

Yours truly,
your Hummingbird

tightrope walking on
litanies of monsoon
                      misplaced
yet, eluded by routines
in this like minded minds

too many
sugar spoon fed
                    blame and
depreciation in a
positive
      view of the world

too many
jaded mouths echoing the
same values that was ripped
          right from the spine of
                          human kind
beginnings

these days
youth means being
                unheard
unnoticed
only riots of sounds
that is deemed too
                foolish to
amount to anything
a neon sign of all the things
that would rather be
                              denied