broken never felt so good
standing so straight made me ache
all the time

crumpled loosely in piles
in this beautiful mess you've made me
feeling sublime

all that buildup of anxiety
its like getting on a plane
flying higher and higher
not knowing for sure if your chute is going to work
and then panicking
as every fiber of your being
SCREAMS NO

and out you go


you hold your breath and tumble for a moment
then dare to open your eyes

Realizing

it doesn't matter if the chute doesn't open
because right now

your flying

I used to paint with fervor. Drinking coffee till morning hours, hands feverishly grabbing at paints and pastels. I'd lay the color down. A brush in my mouth and one in my hand. Rubbing paint and charcoal deep into canvas and paper.
Thick.
I would get inside the paper.
My world.
Black and vibrant blood red. Stark white sheets calling out to me, begging to be brought to life, brought to light.

Now my hands feel so empty. Shallow.
Lost their purpose?
I try picking up the brush, but it just hangs. Empty. Cold, without the heat that used to burn through my fingers. How did I get here?
Colors still dance around my head. Shapes, ideas, visions. They bang against the bars of my impotence.
While my hands hang.
Waiting...for something.

Big skies of home
pull at strings rooted deep
in the younger parts of my heart

eyes reflect
a hundred summer days
spent in the green and gold sage
dreaming

the land here
is full of ghosts
that recognize and call out
as soon as my air
meets their air

and my phantom wings answer
raising me
up
up
up

embracing the wind
that loved me then
and always

This love
Big love
     sweet, salty
          kissing, sweaty skin love
          licking the lengths,
              and slow,
                   to savor love
     heat builds, slick
          fingers, lips thick
               wanting, wanting,
                     wanting this love.

This love
Big love
      hot, deep
          electric, passing love
                 fingers to chests
                      tongue to tongue
                            hips to hips
     building in a moment, love
           this bliss.
                   this love...

the universe laughs
as I struggle to make sense
of this new lesson

words elude me tonight
tease my fingers
with their  possibilities
     their promises

the ocean just keeps getting ****** up
behind my tongue
swelling and churning
in chaotic symphony

conflicting emotions crash & break
against weather weary bones
it was all just child's play before

the walls are coming down soon
I can feel it
and all this ink will not save me

inhale, exhale
breath.
*"may chaos be kind to me"

"I love him"
hit like creation in a particle collider.

Not the words or motions,
just a big, deep, gut punch -
all of a sudden
free falling.

And i'm elated, excited
and ******* terrified.
As I flail, clumsily
in my fall.

Taunted by
the sharp what-ifs & maybes
that litter the ground
But he whispers
"baby, we're not going down"

Now i'm clinging
to this new air/warmth/light,
but afraid that i'm gonna cling
too tight

I just got a little panicked
love, when it hit
you kind-of exploded me,
a bit.

I beseeched the void
the darkness, the light, the ALL
she breathed back *“awake”

These passages
articulated, contemplated
repeated in hearts never known.

Such power they can have
as heart strings are pulled
and fiery hopes ignited.

Such sway they hold over our dreams
as the world seems
to overlook them.

Poets.

Bands of kindred spirits
as diverse as all the light
and dark
of our world.

They are all pain, desolation, loss and fear
They are all pure joy, hope, passion and love

Forever and never alone

I wish you well on your journeys.

Inner warmth
pours from your eyes.
Beacons
for a lonely ship
Sailing empty oceans

Hungry heart
and teeth to tear.
I’d bury myself inside you.

I would call you home.

But don’t worry love,
The will is good.
And the ocean always calls me home.

i let my fears out to the liquid night sky
they burst out my throat and eyes
an explosion of salty tears and choked sobs

they rushed forth into the dark
and as they dispersed they faded and changed
and I,
the epicenter,
fell to my knees
as the ripples returned

soft night winds carried whispers
to dry the tears
and the stars pulled up my gaze
deep and reassuring -
that I was and am, just as I should be,
right now.
and that one day yes, I would return to them.

so don't fear and don't fret little love.
just feel and be felt
love and be loved
because you are made of stars,
born to burn
born to shine
no matter or mind all the trivial things

energy and matter
crossed space and time to awaken in your eyes
right now

right
now

right

now.

the crushing blows
of your words
strike,
when least expected

and despite all my armor
you still manage to find those sweet spots

I used to crumple
knowing,
if I yielded,
you would put down your blades

but there was a secret I did not tell you, the last time you took me down.
in the dark, as I licked my wounds, I realized

I would never be
what you tried to make me.
I knew
you could never break me.

you will never break me

you will never break me

you will never break me

At eleven years old
voices awoke in my head.

The child realized
people dying
screaming, crying
all over the world.

despair
exploded
inside
knocked out the air
and I cried.

little girl tears, snot filled, sobbing, innocent

Then I buried them.
The voices.

There he goes again
with those eyes
stripping me bare
of all armor.
all masks.
all pretenses.

In this undressed state
a little uncomfortable
and a little afraid
of what might be seen
what might be found
what might be felt

*i'm burning now

goosebumps linger
long after hungry lips
are christened

and little shivers
still spark down the length of me

i let them, for the moment
take me.

*I don’t want to wrestle with the dark just yet

what does it mean
when the dreams you dream
years later, in waking find you?

in response it replied:

material things one weds
will need to be shed
for purpose and light to be true...

feel away
the night
as sweet tries
fall on
dead limbs

the young
should not feel
so numb.

I weighed it. Took measure, found the fears
separate, but equally crushing.

This is my fault.
This is the only love
I'm worthy of
My vacancy
would destroy him
This is all
my fault
Bitterness
already stains us all
And my inaction
paralyzes any hope of redemption

My child will learn
lies.
Instead of love.

Her hatred of me
will grow.
And it will all
*be my fault.

beginning to break
or shine?
I really don’t know
in the space
of one city block
I go from feeling
like god
to ****
cracked in my core
split
the lives I hide
been beating
gnawing, eating
at my insides
separated
soulless
But overflowing
with soul
and no way
to let loose
the demons
or divinity
within me

there is all this build-up
for those who struggle with the dark
demons that nag at your soul

often the wave
of depression peaks and crashes
uneventfully and unknown to the world

but sometimes
the soul is overwhelmed
and the dark we battle claims another life.

laid bare
i’m bleeding here
assaulted with rare forwardness
- i just didn’t know how to defend myself

a little panic
plays in my head
as securities are disarmed
and well hidden shadows of my self
start slipping out
pouring out
bursting out
out
out
out
(god, they want out)

making a fine mess of me,
you are
*and I am not even yours to mess with

kicking and screaming

it kicks
it claws
biting, spitting
it gnaws

her bones
moan, groan
can’t take this _
much longer

used to be so quiet here
*before she let the anger in...

drinking
to much...
words elude me

or way to many words bombard me...

drunk, drunk
fuzzy in my head...

drunk, drunk
time for bed

Soft I shall remain
against hard and sharpened
happenings

with open heart
and bated breath
I wait...

i'm wanting
like hard brittle things
want to break

stuttering, trying to explain
to the organized, box trained
how badly i need a little chaos

cause those patterns out there
in the stars
make way more sense to me
than your day planners

And i've tried.
half my life i've tried
the people pleasing parts of me, still ******* trying
to play the expected parts
so much so
that my own offspring - my own blood
looks at me now with foreign eyes
reflecting the familiar disapproval

as I burn up the parts of me i'm done with
the parts they told me I had to be
letting all the "ugly" colors bleed through

everyday I get a little closer
to what i'm supposed to be...

When i was younger i saw a painting entitled “the ferocity of love”. It was all awash in crimson and bright ****** reds, with streaks of yellow and black. At the time i thought it was for passion. Hot red passionate love. That is what love is when you are young.

Years later, after the birth of my daughter, i was taken by surprise. Starring into her wide grey eyes i felt a sudden and surprising darkness in my bones. (I was prepared for motherly love, pride, soft happy joy, hormone induced highs and lows, but not this sudden darkness). It was deep, and angry.

It was rage.
It was rage.
It was rage.

This anger hit me like tsunami.
Anger that anyone, ANYONE EVER, would ever try to hurt this little thing in my arms.
Rage that the world would one day try to brake her.

how dare you.
how dare you.
how dare you.

Only then did i truly understand “The Ferocity of Love”. Because there is a beast in me that will never hesitate to protect you. A darkness in my bones more ferocious than any monster that would hurt you.

Little innocent. I am yours.
All goodness resides in your eyes, in your soul.
My rage will be my shield and sword.
*To love and protect you always.

standing toe to toe
eyes daring
the other to go
cold aggressive glares
bodies waiting
ready for the flare
intake of air
and simultaneously
muscles ignite
veins alight
in adrenaline
as questions
and hesitance
are replaced
with  **now

soft glow
burning
burning
burning low

you – master
fire starter
blowing
coaxing
rousing to life

the forgotten inferno
of me, My, MINE
the releasing of light
shine
shine
shine

with gentle breaths
you blow  life
back into dormant embers

and deft fingers
coax little flames back to life

I shift, nervous,
that this heat will devour me

*but i’ve been wandering the cold dark for so long…

heart shaped words
spill silently from the stars in your eyes

weaving a blanket of pleasure
your open hands invite me to enter
to crawl under
and in

and you watch me
with such wanting eyes
that lips and fingertips
burn in response
and deeper parts
beg to receive
and be received

and YES, I did ask for this

all of this
all of this
all of this

*please

the soul reels
against the borders of body
as i am reduced
again
and again
to elegant explosions

the driving,
   pulling
      merging
of flesh
upon flesh
melts thought
and i'm caught
in the now

now -

Now -

NOW

*and i'm gone...

There was screaming, yelling,
scratchy throats, wet eyes.
I felt it build
the room felt it, I think the walls retracted.
cowered.

I knew it was coming but I still push back.

knuckles tear into hollow core doors
like nothing.

I roll my eyes at your anger, yell some more.
Hiding the terror.

20 years ago, I heard your voice in a dream.
A whisper, a glimpse.
Too real. Too real for a child to throw off as just a dream.
Too Often.

How do I find you?

No writers found
No poems found
No books found
No readers found
No groups found

it was always a roller coaster
turbulent and gut wrenching
highs and lows

Always a state of ready.
ready for the dark to come home.
ready for the criticism,
ready for the down,
ready for the accusations,
ready for the threats,
ready for the blame.

Of course I detached.
And the farther I got - the darker He
became.

while THINGS got smashed, punched, crushed -
love and trust were destroyed. Softer parts of Me
learned to flinch
(love should never make you flinch in fear)
and quickly built walls of defense.

quietly making promises to my little voice…
if he threatens me once more...
if he punches the wall once more...
if he hurts me…
if he hurts me…
if he hurts me…

No. I wanted to make this pretty, but I just can't.
I wanted to make a beautiful poem of waking and finding my way back - but I can't yet. Its all a ****** dark mess of anger and shame. Seeking some sort of forgiveness, forgiveness from who?
I won't ever ******* go back, do you understand that? Can any words even come close to expressing the depth of that pit I was in? I don't miss it. I don't secretly need it. I still don't know how I got into or out of it.

Yes, he ******* hurt me. OF COURSE I DETACHED. HE tried to ******* destroy me. Intentionally or not - He tried to destroy me - this one life I have. All that I AM. Me, Devon. For every drop I offered, he took a gallon. Yes he ******* hurt me. Your precious son, brother, father, friend. Smashed ****, in front of our child, punched holes into EVERY ******* DOOR in that house, pulled the emergency brake on the freeway at 80 mph with our daughter in the car, and then called me abusive when I slapped him on the shoulder hysterically for it. He kicked and threatened to **** my dog, shoved me and slammed me into walls. Night, after night, after night - denied sleep because I didn't want to **** him and if he couldn't sleep then why the **** should I? But how could I want someone I loathed, inside of me? Constantly  accused of ******* someone else and told that I was as lesbian for not wanting him. **** him. **** him. **** him.

Worse - I am the one ASHAMED of myself. Ashamed that I could not fix it, that I could not give him what he wanted. Ashamed that it took me so long. Ashamed that I am no longer capable of compassion for an obviously sick man that I think (I think but can't recall now)  I loved once. Ashamed that I ignored my own little voice. Ashamed that my daughter has seen so much weakness in her mother and so little of what love should be.

Now I am vilified for lack of compassion - for "giving up" as they say.
For Hurting Him. Because I. Hurt. Him.

And that, is not a pretty feeling.
It's ******* ******* - hissing, high pressure, rocking-back-ready-to-blow, ******* feeling. Scribbled and incoherent, shredded paper & canvas, ****** knuckles, red-faced, spit-flying feeling.

No. It is not pretty.

I crash
against myself

again
  and again
     and again

throwing myself into
the possibilities
of me

she
who could be
   or has always been

while I,
in the now
stand scrutinized
under judgmental eyes

that I no longer wish to heed

I found myself stuttering yesterday...
clumsily tripping, fumbling,
over words.
The explanation of my whereabouts -
in question.
Like a guilty child.

Awareness then anger emerge.
irritated, indignant hostility.
That I would allow this again -
over and over and over again…

Trying to account for every moment beneath suspicious eyes. Groundless guilt rising up, as I choke, words broke and unspoke

- while the little voice in my head screams "I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG!"

stepped into the rain
and spice filled wind
caught me again

inside whispers, “mmmm!”

into the dark street
sideways glance shows
I am alone.

*where are you?

the big, big space
of air
felt like lead weights on my tongue.
i couldn't get out
all the fear
all the pain
all the hurt

all the fear
        all the pain
                 all the hurt (these are deep waters my love)

stumbling over the absence of your warm arms
I try to hear all you have to say
while it crushes me,
           it crushes me...

I find it,

   fleeting

   in moments between planning and remembering
Bursting forth

   Like breaks of brilliant sunshine.
In the rise of my lover’s chest,

   thick and warm beneath my cheek.

In the wild and beautiful flowers,

   that don't know the word “****”.

In the unexpected, brilliant red and green of a hummingbird hovering,

   so close… so close
In the increasingly rare moments when my daughter and I SEE each other,

   fully as we are, bound and flawed.
In the now,

   There it is.

  

    Bliss...
   and then. goes. only to come again.

   forever, it comes again.

fever builds
in the chilly silence
of loss

slow rising
of heat and anger
and hope

funny,
what sets it off...

a strangers sly grin
reminds me
I'M ALIVE

and all the space
in this bed
has not extinguished me
after all.

Take a walk with me
through the trees and green things
where a soul can breath

Take a walk with me
where the deep calls out to the deep
you will find me there

no one ever
has affected me
quite so quickly

quite so dramatically

3 days after meeting you
I found myself
drunk on the floor
surrounded by pastels and
charcoal smudged, scribbled
sobbing
puddle of tears and ***** hands

because of you.
That lovely light of you. With flirty grins and passion filled eyes,
and an underlying kindness - big and overflowing with promise

reminding me of everything I told myself I didn’t need, that I could do without. One look from you destroyed it. The wall i’d been working on for so long. And worse, knowing I couldn’t have it. Not now. and never from you

hating you, loving you , thanking you.
**** you.
**** you.

damning you,
as I sit here, grinning stupidly at the sound of your voice. Desperately wanting to feel what has not been felt in so long...

There was distraction
so called "responsibilities"
"obligations" - the order of things
But still a naive confidence
that the rainbow wasn't going anywhere

****** in, swirled, flushed
I wake up
about every 5 years
Screaming STOP!

or at least slow down

The little voice gets beat, smacked
and dragged back down

So afraid there won't be a next time
this ones fading,  already far away
woke up in a frenzy this time
But already sliding back down

****** when you realize
you are your own enemy.
Well trained, domesticated consciousness
doesn't tolerate the embarrassment
of its own true colors.

Relieved I realized, this is just a test.

Certainly not THE test.

Right?
Wait, what?

But I am not doing well
I could've done better
Just let me have another go
I promise I will try harder

Think Broader.
Live Better.
Love Bigger.

Please, I didn't realize -

Could you just wait a moment
Stop the clock for a sec
I wasn't ready yet

Please

What kind of ******* is this
That's not fair
Stop the ******* CLOCK
*******!
and your stupid test
I was going to ace this thing
I just didn't know it had started.

Wait, I'm sorry.
Don't leave me,
I didn't mean to be rude
I just can't mess this up
I just need another chance
please

Look I'm thinking broader
I'll Live Better
I'm going to LOVE so much BIGGER!

Please!

I promise
I promise
I promise

*please don't let it be too late