I've never seen the world around me in better clarity than when it was shrouded in darkness.

For my eyes had been closed to simplistic pleasures, and once the darkness closed in I was awakened to the vulnerability of the world.
Of me.

The fragility of my soul, threatening to break and crumble when it's too much to bear.

Everything is sunny, when you aren't paying attention. Or so you think. When you glance you don't see the the imperfections that have the power to ruin you. So when it comes, it appears to be an ambush.
But it's been a long time coming.

But the light, the beautiful light;
In its perfect serenity.
Dazzles you like nothing you've ever seen
When you're eyes are open to see it.
It makes the darkness consequential to your diminutive existence.

I feel lost.
Not the "lost" when you are somewhere foreign,
And you feel a rush of adventure
At the idea of finding familiarity.

The kind of lost
Where all there is,
Is void.

Void of emotion.
Void of sound.
Void of color.
Void
Of
Life.

i want to experience things.
life,
and all of its ins and outs.
its beautiful sorrows and painstaking highs.
i am a girl hungry to see the world.
ready to consume the sights i have yet to see.
to drink in revolutionary ideas with my mind.

when i was a little girl
i thought my daddy hung the moon
he worked a lot
but i had the best daddy in the world

when i got a little older
i started to go to my friends' house to play
and i saw their daddies
their daddies were home every day and night
their daddies loved their mommies
their daddies had time for their little girls
but maybe
my daddy just worked a lot. . .

when i was barely a teen
my mommy died
a week later
my dad brought over a new mommy
(but daddy loved mommy)
my dad started telling me lies
(i don't think daddy lied to me..)
my dad has more time for his girlfriends than he does for me
(daddy's only girls were mommy and me)

in my last year of high school
my father left and bought a house
1,102 miles away
he still thinks he's daddy.

i wanna feel
like i can go anywhere
like the world is my playground
and not my prison

i want to feel free
to see the open road in front of me
driving somewhere
anywhere but here
while covered in a sheen of sweat
the windows rolled down
letting the warm summer air
drift in and out of the car
my heart feeling light in my chest
i could fly away
i could do anything. . .

i’m sitting at my kitchen table
in my home
that is no longer my home

real or not real?

sitting across from me
is my mom
my mom left this world
six years ago

real or not real?

she takes a sip of her tea
as i sip mine
and she speaks

real or not real?

she tells me she is “in-between”
she can still see things
from the other side
even though i can’t

real or not real?

i tell her
i can feel her presence
when she isn’t there

real or not real?

she looks me in the eyes
and nods
smiling,
knowingly

real or not real?

I blurt out a question
that’s been burning inside me
“how did you die?”

real or not real?

she gathers herself
as if already expecting
this question
to come

real or not real?

“i woke up choking,
there was a light.
Then everything stopped."

real or not real?

i open my eyes
back in my room
i had been sleeping.
but had i been dreaming??

I want to be angry
But there's no fight left in me
I want to feel
Anything
But tired