I miss who I was before I met you. Before you were here I used to smile at seasons changing, now I dread the colder days.

2. I used to miss your laughter, now I miss the silence in my head. You once were my form of meditation, now I spend the days coloring because someone said it can be a type of therapy and Lord knows my therapist is tired of hearing the same story of a boy who keeps stealing my identity.

3. I miss you giving me the cold shoulder because I miss not being around you. I miss the days spent alone in my room reading novels so unrealistic but so desirable. Now I want nothing to do with anything because love is a four letter word and each letter stands for another reason that you couldn't stay.

4. I miss you before me. She loved you quite a bit.

5. I miss not writing about you. I used to stay afloat in my own but now I'm drowning in all the poetry that breaks me like your promises.

6. I miss waking without a reminder that I was never good enough and will never be good enough.

7. I miss my innocence. I reminisce on the times when I was oblivious to the evil in the world.

8. I miss belonging to myself. Because I know you're gone now but I still can't become my own. I can't get used to waking up alone.

9. I miss my laughter. The laughter you stole from me. I can't laugh at any jokes when my whole life has become one.

10. I miss the you before you became who you are now. You used to sing me to sleep and now you're the monster under my bed. You're the missed phone calls. You're the days spent at home alone. My mom asks me why I don't go out anymore, but she doesn't get it. I don't know why I'm surprised. I don't even get it.

I know a lot of you guys are dealing with a lot and if you ever need someone to talk to feel free to message me. I would be happy to help, or just be there for you to vent.
         I really wish that Hellopoetry could be more connected. As fellow artists, I challenge you to take a risk and talk to someone on here, even if its just to say you appreciate their work. If you do take that risk, message me and tell me how it goes. Lets turn a website into a family.

xoxo
Court

"Have no regrets" they say but how can I not regret being the reason my lover is 6 feet under.
How can I not regret being the only reason my mom put up with my abusive father?
How can I not regret forgetting to tell my grandma, my hero, how much she meant when she was here?
How can I not regret beating up this guy's heart so much to the point he stopped showing up to school?
"Have no regrets because at one point it was all you ever wanted."
I never wanted any it.
I never wanted this life.
Having no regrets is for people who haven't made mistakes.

I want that waking up at 6 am to make you breakfast kind of love,
that my friends think I'm absolutely crazy kind of love
the kind of love that is reckless and addicting
that I don't care what you look like I just want to stay up all hours to share secrets kind of love
that every time I see you my heart throbs kind of love
that I see you upset and you don't have to say anything and I already know what to do kind of love
that stand next to me because I love you kind of love
that "you can have the cup with more coffee" kind of love
that you get my heart and the world gets the worst of me kind of love.
that you are my everything kind of love.

I CHALLENGE ALL OF HELLO POETRY!
Choose a song, you can choose it randomly or it can be your favorite song, or just a song that you like. Write a poem while listening to that song. You don't have to write about the song but just write what comes to mind while you listen to it. I do this all the time and its amazing how it changes my mood and my writing. Title the poem the name of the song and use the hashtag #CourtsMusicChallenge and I will take the time to read all of them and repost them and leave some love in a comment.
Do the challenge then repost this so I know you did it.:)

I know that the day we talked for the time made me feel like I was drowning because you took the oxygen out of my lungs. I know you like your coffee with 6 pumps of vanilla. Iced. I know your left temple throbs when you're thinking of what to say. I know you 5 CDs of artists that you don't know (or like for that matter) in your car. I know that the way you touched my spine gave me chills. I know that you laid in my arms and said that I was the only person you loved to be around. I know you look up when you're trying not to cry. I know you looked up when you talked about college and leaving me. You looked up when you mentioned that I should move on. You looked up when I broken heartily said that I would and it didn't matter. I know that you used to give me the cup with more coffee. I know you were terrified of life more than death. I know you stay up till at least 2 am thinking about your future. I know you cared and that's why you left. But I don't know what to do with this love I still have for you?

Lately I've been going to sleep really depressed and it's made not only going to sleep hard but waking up as well.
You've been deemed unfit to love me since you can't seem to love anything that loves you back and I can't seem to get over that.
You built a stone wall around every feeling you ever had for me and i don't know if it's because I don't deserve them or you're afraid I do..
You used to help me get through every night but now you're the only one stealing my sleep and each night ends with an echo of you and I can't even remember what you sounded like next to me anymore.
I remember when you asked "what are you waiting for" and all I could say is "to be somebody that won't hurt you"
I know everything ends eventually and some people find comfort in that but I can't be ok knowing my time with you ended too.

Everything you ever said was always picturesque and it's no wonder that I fell in love with you.
(Cch)

Take the time today to appreciate your favorite poet's work on HP, whether it be through a message or comment or liking their poems. Do so and tell me by liking/reposting this and I will show some appreciation to your work. It is always nice to feel like our creativity is inspiring to others. A simple comment could make someone's day.

There's a part of me that has to push you away.
I'm like a phone that can only dial 911.
This part of me screams at me like the silence at a funeral.
I've sent out many amber alerts to find the part of me that would let you in.
My mom says that I need to follow my heart but I can't look at my heart without covering in bruises because I can't help but blame it for all the scars left from another life.
You said, "You're something else." And thats the problem.
I have a reflection that looks like a mother burying her child.
I have a heart that feels like a birthday spent grieving.
I'm something else..I know.

There's so much I wish I could say.
But every time I try to speak my tongue goes numb.
I don't know what you want or need or if I can even be enough,
But darling I will break my back trying to be what you need.
I don't know if this is real, but I know when you touched my spine I thought my whole body was going to erupt into flames.
I want to spend the days laughing with you and the nights crying with you.
I want you to meet my mom and realize why my dad's love came too late.
I want to tell my friends about you.
I want to sing The 1975 songs with you and dance around the living room at midnight.
I want to make angels sing on my couch.
I want you. All of you.

Stop fighting it.
Our hearts beat for each other's.
Stop pretending this isn't real.
Stop pretending you don't feel anything.
Stop fighting the way your insides feel like fire when I say your name.
Stop building those walls higher and higher.
Don't ever act so nonchalant when someone calls you my boyfriend.
Just stop fighting this.
Stop.
This isn't a game.
There won't be a game over.
Just stop fighting yourself and let us happen.

He knew he was just living in my shadow
We came to see what the city of angels had for us, if we could make it..
The angels silenced to hear my voice
while they turned their back to him
the dream he had for both of us turned into a one way street
and he couldn't see any sign of a bright future for him.
So he packed his dreams into a guitar case and flew back to Texas in hopes he could rekindle the life he's always known.
And here I sit. My mind sees the stars on the ground but all my heart sees is him.
The desire to feel held started to feel heavier than the reward of prosperity.
I know Whitney fashioned rivers when I turned the record off but the sound of the applause couldn't possibly be as rewarding as the sound of his voice.

Tell my sister that I'm sorry.
Tell my other sister I'm sorry she had to be the one to tell my mom, I was afraid she would try to change my mind.
Tell my brother I wasn't bluffing.
Tell them that this was my apology to them.
Tell my grandmother to please open up the gates, I know this isn't how she wanted to see me but this world got too heavy on my shoulders.
Tell her....never mind I'll tell her myself.
Tell the blood to be quick about it.
Tell the pain I said goodbye and tell goodbye I said hello.
Tell depression that it won.
Tell my doctor that the medication didn't work. (It never did)
Tell John, my love, that EVERYTHING has his name on it. Tell him he makes this world spin.
Tell Sara I'm sorry I couldn't be her maid of honor at her wedding.
Tell Lacy she's right, I would do it.
Tell Brandon I imagined it was him pulling the trigger.
Please don't tell my little brother. Please don't tell him unless he asks
Ask my dad that if we make it to the same place if he could maybe talk to me first this time?
Tell my feet stop running.
Tell my body keep the pills down.
Tell Jessica, I know, don't follow me.
Tell my exes to whisper my name...now they know the sound of a dodged bullet.
Tell the ER it looks like temporary. Tell the ER I'm gonna rename it my father's presence.
Tell the nurse don't smile and hold my hand.  For Christ's sake don't look like my mother
Don't tell me I can heal.
Don't lie to me now.
Don't try to give me a reason to stay or something to live for.
Don't name my brother or my two year old cousin's smile.
Don't make me change my mind.
Don't make me want this. Please
Please don't make me want this.

Plea-

The sad thing is that you bruised my heart so bad I can't even get my fingers to wrap themselves around a pen to write about it.

but I can't forget you without forgetting myself.

I just wanted to thank you.
His absence has destructed me.
His absence left me on a path that only went downhill.
His absence broke me completely.
His absence turned me into recluse.

But you saw that broken me and held me in your arms.
You helped me carry that weight.
You taped all the broken pieces together.

No, you didn't fix my life, but you made waking up a little more bearable and I can't thank you enough.

I thought I would not know the best feeling in the world until I was older.
Until the first time I made love with the one I'm spending forever with.
Until I won the lottery.
Until I tasted the best cup of coffee.
Until he came back
Until I looked in the mirror and was actually pleased with my reflection
But no.
The best feeling in the world was when I thought you gave up on us and you were done but you texted me "Good morning<3"

You once asked me "Why do you love him?"

His eyes are full light. The way he looks at me after I make a joke is enough to make me dance in my room on a Monday morning.
His arms are strong and comforting. I cried in his arms when I told him that my father's love was late, and there in his arms I found the strength to move on.
His voice is soft and peaceful. 3am was always beautiful with his words singing in my ear.
He has a scar right above his right eye. It's a beautiful flaw.
The way he laughs oh my God I think the angels sing in chorus.
He drinks coffee. Our love is stable due to empty coffee cups.
He's addicting like a cigarette except he'd never cause me any pain.
He once split a sandwich with me and he gave me the bigger half.
He's perfect for me.

"He's different."

I couldn't ever tell you all of this because then you might fall in love with him too.

I don't know how the spark went out
but it did
did I lose that brightness in my eyes
or was my love just never enough
Whether the fire was put out or just vanished
it doesn't matter
Cause it still went out.

I don't remember what the last thing you said to me was.
I don't remember what shirt you were wearing.
I don't remember if it was one of those days where your eyes looked green or grey.
I don't remember if you had gel in your hair that day.
I don't remember. But if I knew it was the last time I'd see you, I wouldn't have taken that day for granted.

Its the many lies that pierced through me like a sword.
Its the laugh every time I asked you if you loved him.
You said no.
Its the heart next to your name in his phone and pictures of you two that etched inside my brain.
Its the "babe"s and the "love"s.
Its the way I asked you if you wanted him.
You said no.
Its the way you were my best friend, the one I would confide in when me and the boy were distancing.
Its the way I cried in your arms due to his absence.
Its the way I asked you if you heard from him.
You said no.
Its the way I found out your lies.
Its the kiss that was a hammer to my glass heart.
Its the look in his eyes, the look in yours.
Its the way I asked you if you kissed him.
You said no.


When someone asked you if you knew why we weren't friends anymore.
You lied.
You said no.

Sometimes I would hold the hand that broke me, expecting it to be a barricade between me and a vehicle.

Sometimes I got so scared of the monsters under my bed,
but I didn't realize that I crawled into bed with one, expecting it to stop the nightmares it caused in the first place.

Sometimes it kissed my finger when I got a paper cut,
but never once did it cool the tobacco kissed burns on my arm.
Sometimes it whispered "I love you" with the same lips that screamed "You're worthless!"

I remember when I hated everything about it but I still craved it to stay.
I remember when it left, but its presence still breaks my bones and cuts my skin.

This is really important to me.

http://hellopoetry.com/poem/1055967/the-monster-downstairs/

and its weird because I don't really know him
but just the thought of getting to know him makes the butterflies in stomach have seizures.
I don't really know him
but I think he might be the one who saves me

It's been months in recovery.
I haven't cried on my bathroom floor in 229 days.
229 days. I thought I was fine.
But this feeling comes over me and I find myself slipping back into missing you.
Why did you do this to me? And your mom? And your little brother?
It's 2 am and I can't sleep.
I just keep hoping that this alcohol will wash away all my memories of you before you ended you. Ended me. Ended us.
That coffee shop still remembers me by name and they used to ask me where you were or how you were doing.. I guess my eyes hitting the ground was enough to make them understand because they stopped asking.
I wish you could come back, just five minutes.
Even if those five minutes were just a broken record replaying you calling me a "selfish *****" the last time I saw you.
Am I selfish?
I guess so because I never said what you needed to hear.
I was never enough because my demons had more power over me than I did.
I could never get rid of them and you knew that and you stayed...well as long as you could.
John. Your name sounds like an apology and coming home at the same time.
I wish you would'be stayed longer John..

I'm trying to remember the last time I thought of you without thinking of "goodbye"
Every day just screams your silence that will be with me for the rest of my life.
I know that this lifetime might not have anything left for us and I've come to terms with it like when they ask if you accept the terms and conditions.
And I don't. I just can't.
Because if I keep walking without you it's like every single day we spent together was just a past time.
But if I turn around I might never move on.
And I know in time you will find another who will erase your memories with me, but I hope when you hear "Chasing Cars" it'll bring you back to that rooftop.
I hope you never find the courage to stop loving me because I know I'll never stop loving you
And when those days come and you just want to be someone else, I hope that you will call.
And I hope in time you find the satisfaction of being free.
I hope you find time to remember who you are and visit our past self.
I hope you remember the music we made and the notes we cracked, and the word we butchered, and the feelings we hurt, and the moments we hated, and the sins we committed.
Remember me. And remember you.

I'm tired of everyone I love leaving.
I'm tired of loving people who could never love me back.
I'm tired of being lead on.
I'm tired of not being wanted.
I'm tired of feeling ugly and worthless.
I'm tired of being on this earth.
I'm tired of being just an option.
I'm tired of being a "plan B"
I'm tired of this sadness.
I'm tired.

He lays on the bed.
Nothing but money on his mind.
He has to make a living, he has kids at home.
Times are tough.
When it rains it pours.

I lay next to him.
Feel his body next to mine.
My heart starts pounding as my fingertips trace his jawline.
Our faces touch, and a tear falls on his cheek.
I wipe my eyes, my whole body shaking.
He kisses me, his mouth with the taste of desperation and regret.

I break away from him, get off the bed, and hand him everything in my wallet.
His eyes turn red as his heart breathes for the first time.
"Are you serious? You don't have to do that."
My eyes fall.
"I know."
I walk out of his sanctuary and shut the door behind me.
That's when I learned the true meaning of selflessness,

I just wish someone cared enough to remind me that I matter more than my weight and I deserve to live longer than the days I haven't eaten.

I watch tv to get my mind off you.
Three pills should clear my mind.
I shouldn't be reminded.
I don't want to remember the tears that fell when we figured out that this would never work.
I don't want to think about that goodbye kiss that tore every ounce of confidence in love I"ve ever had.
You said "I love you" as you kissed every memory away.
This isn't how things we supposed to end.
But we are emotionally damaging.
The more we try the more we fail.
We are trying to fight for what we had 8 months ago.
Its time to cut the rope in this tug of war.

The only thing I regret is believing for a second that I was someone worth loving.

I tried to get better
but with each pound comes a binge
and everytime my demons tell me that 104.8 pounds is too much.
"You're 5'8"" they say "You need to keep losing weight. Just because you're on the taller side doesn't give you an excuse to be fat"
So I binge.
Part of me is hoping that this time I throw up blood.
Blood is what keeps me alove and maybe if I keep throwing up what keeps my heart beating this will be the last binge, the last time I ever have to feel like this.
At least if I died, I would weigh a pound lighter.
I'm losing hope.
Everything is falling apart.
I don't want to live if my mind is only consumed by whats killing me.

In the early spring of 2011, my mother and my father sat me and my brother down on the living room.
I looked at the clock 8:03.
8:04: they say they love us and always will
8:05: they say daddy made a mistake
8:06: they day daddy says he can never forgive himself.
8:07: my mom forces back tears.
8:08: my heart suddenly feel heavier than the world
8:09: my mom says she will always be there even while daddy is away.
IN THE SIX MINUTES I REMEMBERED EVERY SINGLE ROAD TRIP WE TOOK, EVERY SINGLE BIRTHDAY WE CELEBRATED, EVERY GAME O MONOPOLY AND CLUE AND CANDY LAND. I REMEMBERED FALLING OFF MY BIKE INTO THE ARMS OF MY IN LOVE PARENTS. I REMEMBERED THE KITCHEN SMELLING OF MAPLE SYRUP AND BACON. I THOUGHT OF 204,693 REASONS WHY MY PARENTS LOVED EACH OTHER AND THEY COULDN'T EVEN THINK OF ONE. I THOUGHT "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME? HOW COULD YOU TEAR THIS FAMILY APART?"

WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME?

Reminding myself  of all the ways you made me feel alive is what is killing me now.

It's the small things that make me love you.
Like the way you pause in the middle of sentences to thing of what to say.
And the way you touch the middle of my back when you know I'm sad.
The way you push your hair back out of your face.
The way you laugh at my unfunny jokes.
The way your hazel eyes light up in our favorite cafe.
The way you always apologize with a crooked smile and eyes to the floor.
The way you smile with teeth (unlike usual) when your favorite song comes on the radio.
All these things made me fall in love with you.

Indirectly saying "I love you" by giving you the cup with more coffee.

If it doesn't set your insides on fire, is it really love?

the type of boy who drinks a bottle for each of his problems and doesn't realize he's created a whole new one until it's too late.

I'm half asleep but I love you.
I'll fall asleep any second now but I love you.
I love you.

I'm falling in love with every part of you.
Like the way you run your fingers through your hair
And the way you hold you arms out and wiggle your fingers when you want a hug
And the way you laugh awkwardly at almost everything
I'm falling in love with you flannels and those converse that used to be white
And the way you say my name
And how I can't trust anyone but for some reason I trust you
You're making me believe in good people again and that scares me.

I used to look at abandoned houses and thought nothing of them until I became one myself.

It seems like everything I touch, I destroy.
I touched your car, I broke the glove box.
I held your mom's favorite coffee cup and watched it shatter to the ground.
I never had a pair of headphones work for longer than a few weeks.
I scratched up your favorite CD.
The crack of your phone was by my doing.

*You let me hold your heart and since that day it's been in a thousand little pieces, and even the apologies won't heal the scratches.
Even your black coffee isn't strong enough to remove the taste from my lips.

I think you're very inspiring and beautiful and I pray to God that there never comes a day where you don't see that.

I think I'm dying.
I'm crying because I need to lose more.
I'm crying because I need to feel more.
I'm dying to feel something, anything.
I'm dying to hear your voice again.
I'm dying to be alive.

Even if its not love, please don't leave me.
We can play pretend.

You made me believe in people again.
That's the problem.
I should've known.

I picked you every time.
I found you every time.
I knew you every time.
I loved you every time.
You hurt me every time.

Please let me breathe today.

Good morning. I hope you're okay. I hope you're happy wherever you are. If heaven is real I know you're there. I'm sorry, my love, I'm so sorry.