I can't explain our relationship. Yes I'm hurting, but I'm happier with you than without you.

Realize that being able to write a good poem, doesn't mean you can make them stay.

It seems like everything I touch, I destroy.
I touched your car, I broke the glove box.
I held your mom's favorite coffee cup and watched it shatter to the ground.
I never had a pair of headphones work for longer than a few weeks.
I scratched up your favorite CD.
The crack of your phone was by my doing.

*You let me hold your heart and since that day it's been in a thousand little pieces, and even the apologies won't heal the scratches.
Even your black coffee isn't strong enough to remove the taste from my lips.

I tried to get better
but with each pound comes a binge
and everytime my demons tell me that 104.8 pounds is too much.
"You're 5'8"" they say "You need to keep losing weight. Just because you're on the taller side doesn't give you an excuse to be fat"
So I binge.
Part of me is hoping that this time I throw up blood.
Blood is what keeps me alove and maybe if I keep throwing up what keeps my heart beating this will be the last binge, the last time I ever have to feel like this.
At least if I died, I would weigh a pound lighter.
I'm losing hope.
Everything is falling apart.
I don't want to live if my mind is only consumed by whats killing me.

The only thing I regret is believing for a second that I was someone worth loving.

Good morning. I hope you're okay. I hope you're happy wherever you are. If heaven is real I know you're there. I'm sorry, my love, I'm so sorry.

I'm falling in love with every part of you.
Like the way you run your fingers through your hair
And the way you hold you arms out and wiggle your fingers when you want a hug
And the way you laugh awkwardly at almost everything
I'm falling in love with you flannels and those converse that used to be white
And the way you say my name
And how I can't trust anyone but for some reason I trust you
You're making me believe in good people again and that scares me.

I picked you every time.
I found you every time.
I knew you every time.
I loved you every time.
You hurt me every time.

Please let me breathe today.

Hey its me.
Baby I'm so sorry for yelling at you.
I'm so sorry I cried and asked you to leave.
The truth is my heart is a black hole without you here.
I don't know if its too late to ask, but love please come back to my arms.
I don't know if you care anymore but I promise I always loved you, even when body ached with my own sadness.
I need you here with me now. I swear I'd cross oceans if it would make you come back.
I would put my heart in your hands to prove to you that only your love can make my heart beat.
I'm sorry I thought for the split second I thought I loved him.
I didn't.
I couldn't.
I love you. I love you so much.
Please come home.
Please call me back. I really do love you.


*bye

This went from a fairy tale to my worst nightmare in an hour
And now I'm on my bathroom floor trying to make sense of this through paragraphs.
I haven't felt this sense of loneliness since he passed.
You said this would be fine.
You said this would work.
Now you're ignoring my phone calls and even your flannel isn't making this better.
I wanted this.
I wanted you so bad.
Now I can't breathe and my stomach is in knots.
Make this better my love.

I don't know what made me come back to you.
I don't know if it was the time I saw you kissing my best friend
or if it was the time you told me all your love was a lie
was it the time you told me I was too fat for you so I should "go anorexic"
or was it when you said "go take more pills"
was it the time you poured hot coffee all over me in the coffee shop during an argument
or the time you ignored me for 3 months, never telling me that you were okay or where you were or who you were with and what you were doing
was it the time you commented "ugly af" on one of my instagram pictures
or the time you threw a pan at me
was it the time you said "I don't love you because you have no *** in you"
or the time you punched me in the face because I disagreed with you

I don't know why I kept going back, but all I know is you hurt my heart more than you ever hurt my body and I don't know if you care but because of you I don't think I can ever love without the fear of dying.