Please let me breathe today.

I tried to get better
but with each pound comes a binge
and everytime my demons tell me that 104.8 pounds is too much.
"You're 5'8"" they say "You need to keep losing weight. Just because you're on the taller side doesn't give you an excuse to be fat"
So I binge.
Part of me is hoping that this time I throw up blood.
Blood is what keeps me alove and maybe if I keep throwing up what keeps my heart beating this will be the last binge, the last time I ever have to feel like this.
At least if I died, I would weigh a pound lighter.
I'm losing hope.
Everything is falling apart.
I don't want to live if my mind is only consumed by whats killing me.

Good morning. Please don't suffocate me today.

Realize that being able to write a good poem, doesn't mean you can make them stay.

What do you do when you're in love with someone who doesn't understand why you scream yourself awake every night?

My god, I didn't know my heart could love someone this much.

I can't explain our relationship. Yes I'm hurting, but I'm happier with you than without you.

I opened the hall closet and pulled an orange box from the top shelf...
in there was your yellow sunglasses I almost broke so you told me to keep them,
the two birthday cards you got me this year because "just one isn't enough,"
receipt from places we went, brochures from places we wanted to visit,
a picture you drew me on old notebook paper,
a tennis ball we stole from our favorite park,
an envelope with my name on it,
32 pictures of you and I, when my eyes still had life in them.

I took everything out, and put it on a table.
I realized things that used to mean everything, now mean nothing

*And I cried

and cried

and cried

I'm so tired of crying over you.
I'm so tired of you being here even though you're gone.

Hey its me.
Baby I'm so sorry for yelling at you.
I'm so sorry I cried and asked you to leave.
The truth is my heart is a black hole without you here.
I don't know if its too late to ask, but love please come back to my arms.
I don't know if you care anymore but I promise I always loved you, even when body ached with my own sadness.
I need you here with me now. I swear I'd cross oceans if it would make you come back.
I would put my heart in your hands to prove to you that only your love can make my heart beat.
I'm sorry I thought for the split second I thought I loved him.
I didn't.
I couldn't.
I love you. I love you so much.
Please come home.
Please call me back. I really do love you.


*bye

This went from a fairy tale to my worst nightmare in an hour
And now I'm on my bathroom floor trying to make sense of this through paragraphs.
I haven't felt this sense of loneliness since he passed.
You said this would be fine.
You said this would work.
Now you're ignoring my phone calls and even your flannel isn't making this better.
I wanted this.
I wanted you so bad.
Now I can't breathe and my stomach is in knots.
Make this better my love.

I don't know what made me come back to you.
I don't know if it was the time I saw you kissing my best friend
or if it was the time you told me all your love was a lie
was it the time you told me I was too fat for you so I should "go anorexic"
or was it when you said "go take more pills"
was it the time you poured hot coffee all over me in the coffee shop during an argument
or the time you ignored me for 3 months, never telling me that you were okay or where you were or who you were with and what you were doing
was it the time you commented "ugly af" on one of my instagram pictures
or the time you threw a pan at me
was it the time you said "I don't love you because you have no *** in you"
or the time you punched me in the face because I disagreed with you

I don't know why I kept going back, but all I know is you hurt my heart more than you ever hurt my body and I don't know if you care but because of you I don't think I can ever love without the fear of dying.