The only thing I regret is believing for a second that I was someone worth loving.

What do you do when you're in love with someone who doesn't understand why you scream yourself awake every night?

Even if its not love, please don't leave me.
We can play pretend.

I tried to get better
but with each pound comes a binge
and everytime my demons tell me that 104.8 pounds is too much.
"You're 5'8"" they say "You need to keep losing weight. Just because you're on the taller side doesn't give you an excuse to be fat"
So I binge.
Part of me is hoping that this time I throw up blood.
Blood is what keeps me alove and maybe if I keep throwing up what keeps my heart beating this will be the last binge, the last time I ever have to feel like this.
At least if I died, I would weigh a pound lighter.
I'm losing hope.
Everything is falling apart.
I don't want to live if my mind is only consumed by whats killing me.

Realize that being able to write a good poem, doesn't mean you can make them stay.

In the early spring of 2011, my mother and my father sat me and my brother down on the living room.
I looked at the clock 8:03.
8:04: they say they love us and always will
8:05: they say daddy made a mistake
8:06: they day daddy says he can never forgive himself.
8:07: my mom forces back tears.
8:08: my heart suddenly feel heavier than the world
8:09: my mom says she will always be there even while daddy is away.
IN THE SIX MINUTES I REMEMBERED EVERY SINGLE ROAD TRIP WE TOOK, EVERY SINGLE BIRTHDAY WE CELEBRATED, EVERY GAME O MONOPOLY AND CLUE AND CANDY LAND. I REMEMBERED FALLING OFF MY BIKE INTO THE ARMS OF MY IN LOVE PARENTS. I REMEMBERED THE KITCHEN SMELLING OF MAPLE SYRUP AND BACON. I THOUGHT OF 204,693 REASONS WHY MY PARENTS LOVED EACH OTHER AND THEY COULDN'T EVEN THINK OF ONE. I THOUGHT "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME? HOW COULD YOU TEAR THIS FAMILY APART?"

WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME?

Reminding myself  of all the ways you made me feel alive is what is killing me now.

It's the small things that make me love you.
Like the way you pause in the middle of sentences to thing of what to say.
And the way you touch the middle of my back when you know I'm sad.
The way you push your hair back out of your face.
The way you laugh at my unfunny jokes.
The way your hazel eyes light up in our favorite cafe.
The way you always apologize with a crooked smile and eyes to the floor.
The way you smile with teeth (unlike usual) when your favorite song comes on the radio.
All these things made me fall in love with you.

I think I'm dying.
I'm crying because I need to lose more.
I'm crying because I need to feel more.
I'm dying to feel something, anything.
I'm dying to hear your voice again.
I'm dying to be alive.

Hey its me.
Baby I'm so sorry for yelling at you.
I'm so sorry I cried and asked you to leave.
The truth is my heart is a black hole without you here.
I don't know if its too late to ask, but love please come back to my arms.
I don't know if you care anymore but I promise I always loved you, even when body ached with my own sadness.
I need you here with me now. I swear I'd cross oceans if it would make you come back.
I would put my heart in your hands to prove to you that only your love can make my heart beat.
I'm sorry I thought for the split second I thought I loved him.
I didn't.
I couldn't.
I love you. I love you so much.
Please come home.
Please call me back. I really do love you.


*bye

This went from a fairy tale to my worst nightmare in an hour
And now I'm on my bathroom floor trying to make sense of this through paragraphs.
I haven't felt this sense of loneliness since he passed.
You said this would be fine.
You said this would work.
Now you're ignoring my phone calls and even your flannel isn't making this better.
I wanted this.
I wanted you so bad.
Now I can't breathe and my stomach is in knots.
Make this better my love.

I don't know what made me come back to you.
I don't know if it was the time I saw you kissing my best friend
or if it was the time you told me all your love was a lie
was it the time you told me I was too fat for you so I should "go anorexic"
or was it when you said "go take more pills"
was it the time you poured hot coffee all over me in the coffee shop during an argument
or the time you ignored me for 3 months, never telling me that you were okay or where you were or who you were with and what you were doing
was it the time you commented "ugly af" on one of my instagram pictures
or the time you threw a pan at me
was it the time you said "I don't love you because you have no *** in you"
or the time you punched me in the face because I disagreed with you

I don't know why I kept going back, but all I know is you hurt my heart more than you ever hurt my body and I don't know if you care but because of you I don't think I can ever love without the fear of dying.