I don't know what made me come back to you.
I don't know if it was the time I saw you kissing my best friend
or if it was the time you told me all your love was a lie
was it the time you told me I was too fat for you so I should "go anorexic"
or was it when you said "go take more pills"
was it the time you poured hot coffee all over me in the coffee shop during an argument
or the time you ignored me for 3 months, never telling me that you were okay or where you were or who you were with and what you were doing
was it the time you commented "ugly af" on one of my instagram pictures
or the time you threw a pan at me
was it the time you said "I don't love you because you have no *** in you"
or the time you punched me in the face because I disagreed with you

I don't know why I kept going back, but all I know is you hurt my heart more than you ever hurt my body and I don't know if you care but because of you I don't think I can ever love without the fear of dying.

I made the mistake of trusting you
and you made the mistake of believing that I was worth your time
Just let me pack up our promises and throw out the ones that weren't broken
I haven't woken up without my makeup still on for the past week
I just don't know to do with my love anymore.

Put down that blade.
Put down that bottle or pills.
Don't you dare tie that rope.
Please stop.
I know you think you don't matter.
I know these days are getting hard.
I know you feel like God gets pleasure out of messing up your life.
I know you think no one will care, but you're wrong.
You're smart.
You're attractive.
You're funny.
You're weird but the best people are.
You're body is perfect the way it is.
You are not defined by your grades, your acne, your clothes, the scale, your imperfections.
You are beautiful and valuable and amazing whether you think you are or not.
If you are looking for a sign to stay, let this be it.
Please stop. Stay here and breathe and love life because your body loves you, feel your heart, your body loves you enough to keep it pumping.
So drink your favorite tea and go to sleep to your favorite movie in your favorite PJ's and wake up tomorrow and smile because you are still alive and you have so much to live for.
You will make it.
Stay here.

My dad loved the idea of being different.
He would say "Make them remember you!" or "Let your light shine!"
He always told me to never do anything "half-***"
He wanted me to work harder, reach higher, and see beyond the horizons of society.
He always said "never look down! That's when you'll fall!"
He always knew what to say but he ever knew how to follow his own advice.

There's so much I wish I could say.
But every time I try to speak my tongue goes numb.
I don't know what you want or need or if I can even be enough,
But darling I will break my back trying to be what you need.
I don't know if this is real, but I know when you touched my spine I thought my whole body was going to erupt into flames.
I want to spend the days laughing with you and the nights crying with you.
I want you to meet my mom and realize why my dad's love came too late.
I want to tell my friends about you.
I want to sing The 1975 songs with you and dance around the living room at midnight.
I want to make angels sing on my couch.
I want you. All of you.

Why do I feel like a stranger in my own home?
Isn't "home" supposed to be the place where you feel free?
Instead all I get are condescending glaces and remarks that make me want to curl up into a ball.
I've been avoiding all mirrors.
How could I see myself as beautiful when the only people who were supposed to love me wouldn't care if my body went up into flames.?
This is my home...but I feel so alone.

Hey its me.
Baby I'm so sorry for yelling at you.
I'm so sorry I cried and asked you to leave.
The truth is my heart is a black hole without you here.
I don't know if its too late to ask, but love please come back to my arms.
I don't know if you care anymore but I promise I always loved you, even when body ached with my own sadness.
I need you here with me now. I swear I'd cross oceans if it would make you come back.
I would put my heart in your hands to prove to you that only your love can make my heart beat.
I'm sorry I thought for the split second I thought I loved him.
I didn't.
I couldn't.
I love you. I love you so much.
Please come home.
Please call me back. I really do love you.


*bye

I'm so in love with you that my mind is too boggled with adjectives to use to describe you I can't even try to write poetry.

You leave me speechless.

I see you all the time.
I see you in crowded cafeterias and I remember you getting up to get sweet tea
I see you in open fields and I remember memories made at that little camp
I see you on empty concrete curbs like where we sat when we talked that Wednesday night.
I see you when I look at empty beds and I remember how you used to lay on your stomach and glance and smile at me.
I see you in full pews and empty alters and I remember how you were too nervous to walk to the alter.
I see you post pictures alone (without me) and I wonder if they look as empty to you as they make me feel
It's been 159 hours since I last saw you and all I can say is I miss you more than anything.

I don't know exactly what happened
All I remember is my shower fresh hair
and your white tshirt.
I remember the heart ache
The urge to get rid of it some how.
I don't know if you made a difference
but you were there.
He just took another girl home so I needed to feel better
I needed to feel how he was making that girl feel
Tension builds. Faces touch.
Your hand ran down my spine.
Chills followed your fingertips
I heard you sing songs angels didn't know the words to yet.
I closed my eyes, the pleasure couldn't make up for the missing lyrics
Though we sang harmonies that fit the song, we were out of tune
Loneliness settled back into my heart
And this is all I've ever known about trying to move on.

Indirectly saying "I love you" by giving you the cup with more coffee.

I like you.
Please don't treat me like a chess game.
I've already had my heart defined like a chess piece.
I care too much already.
Don't make me regret counting on this to work.
Don't make me regret you.

I drink enough water until I can drown all of you out of me
because its so unfair that I love this more than you.
I really I could forget you as easily as I want you to forget all the things I ever said.
You said you were scared of relationships but really you're scared of having anybody care about you.
I said "I know how you feel when nobody is watching."
I begged you to stay with tear stained collars and a broken glass.
I begged pretending I didn't know of all the lies you told, as if I believed your excused.
It might not be as bad as it seems but I can't stop taking sleeping pills to forget your name and the way it sounded when you laughed.

Moving on feels like getting out of bed earlier than usual.
Moving on feels like going back inside that coffee shop for the first time.
It's dancing in your pjs while getting ready for school again.
It's eating vanilla flavored ice cream even though that's what he tasted like.
It's hanging the pictures back on the wall.
It's saying his name without getting knots in your stomach.
It's seeing the beauty in seasons changing.
It's not feeling guilty for smiling at that guy in your physics class.
It's going back to church.
It's looking in the mirror and not seeing regret.
It's recognizing that each breath is another reminder that you made it.
You made it.
*You made it through

It's 75 degrees outside
and I still feel cold
I still feel the fall
I still remember how autumn felt last October
I still remember you in that red plaid shirt that I loved
I still remember the emptiness of that coffee shop
you never showed up
I don't know why we thought we could last the four years that you needed to finish writing that chapter
You never showed up
But I can't stop seeing you.

All I know is that when it was cold you hug me from behind so your arms and your blanket wrapped around me. I know that you smile that crooked smile that makes my heart melt. I know the day I saw you cry was like every star stopped shining and the world turned colder. I know loving you was like seeing the world for the first time. I know you made me see the sun where there used to be rain clouds. I know you made me see the beauty between seasons. I know you made me realize that home isn't a building or an address. Home is any time you're laughing.  I know you have always been smarter than me but always loved hearing my perspective. I know I'm not the best but I love you more than my bones can handle.

Its like I speak but the words vanish like dust
Because it just goes in one ear and out the other
Just like you always seem to go in one door and out the other
And its like I'm buying your happiness
Because you smile at my expense
But  you can never get enough so you take every ounce of love I have for you and spend it on messages you would never let me read
Its just hard because we built this relationship out of your lies and my mustard seed faith stopped growing but I still kept coming back.
And why?
Maybe its because the pain is a reminder that the love was real
It's a reminder that "we" once existed.
That the hour of happiness existed before you relapsed and I found out.
You injected me with your demons, they lived in the house you built in my veins.
The blood that was once a vivid red, stayed blue because the only oxygen that would hit it would be consumed by the breaths you shared with her.
I inhaled your inability to love anybody other than you. Your secondhand smoke clouded my vision and took over my brain.
You became my every movement and response and the thing keeping me alive.
You were my rehab.
Took my every addiction and made it you.
And I couldn't stop. I just kept injecting you. I kept breathing you.
Then you left.
And I looked in the mirror and saw that I had become who you are.
I had mimicked your every emotion, expression, and words.
And I was nowhere to be found.

Try not to be scared.
I know you said you don't believe in relationships because every single "real relationship" you've seen has failed
but I promise you we aren't them.
I know you don't think it could work but I promise I will work hard for you.
It's just that I feel the distance when you aren't here, whether its a room, a street, a city.
and that you brought life to this dead soul of mine.
I love you so much and I won't stop reminding you.
So don't be scared because I'm only scared when you aren't here.

It's not you, it's the fact that I never knew that your father was supposed to heal the wounds not cause them until I was 14.
It's not you it's the fact that I remember the cut on my mom's eye after my father threw a lamp at her. I remember the tears she cried. And when I asked her where she hurt she pointed to her heart.
It's not you it's the day my sister became homeless because she couldn't work because she was severely harmed in a car accident.
It's not you, but when I saw my old lover hanging from the ceiling I decided that would be the last time I ever put my happiness into the hands of anyone else.
It's not you but I know how love can rip you apart and I don't know if I can ever forget that and let you in.

John.
Its been awhile.
But its your birthday.
I know I won't be able to write this without crying
but I'll try.
Its been a long year and a half without you.
I heard our song today and I knew that God must've been punishing me for not helping you.
I am so sorry.
I am sorry that I am the reason you are not here anymore.
I'm sorry I pushed you away instead of helping you when you needed me the most.
I am so sorry that I can't help but think that I might as well have carved your name into that stone.
I'm sorry that I got to celebrate my birthday while yours is only celebrated through those who mourn you.
I am sorry that I allowed you to get close to me when I know I am a hurricane that feels no remorse when destroying peoples' homes and forcing them to find a new one.
I'm so sorry I didn't realize my heart beats for you until yours stopped beating.
I miss you terribly.
I hope you rest in peace.
I'll be living in guilt.

He lays on the bed.
Nothing but money on his mind.
He has to make a living, he has kids at home.
Times are tough.
When it rains it pours.

I lay next to him.
Feel his body next to mine.
My heart starts pounding as my fingertips trace his jawline.
Our faces touch, and a tear falls on his cheek.
I wipe my eyes, my whole body shaking.
He kisses me, his mouth with the taste of desperation and regret.

I break away from him, get off the bed, and hand him everything in my wallet.
His eyes turn red as his heart breathes for the first time.
"Are you serious? You don't have to do that."
My eyes fall.
"I know."
I walk out of his sanctuary and shut the door behind me.
That's when I learned the true meaning of selflessness,

I'm tired of everyone I love leaving.
I'm tired of loving people who could never love me back.
I'm tired of being lead on.
I'm tired of not being wanted.
I'm tired of feeling ugly and worthless.
I'm tired of being on this earth.
I'm tired of being just an option.
I'm tired of being a "plan B"
I'm tired of this sadness.
I'm tired.

"Have no regrets" they say but how can I not regret being the reason my lover is 6 feet under.
How can I not regret being the only reason my mom put up with my abusive father?
How can I not regret forgetting to tell my grandma, my hero, how much she meant when she was here?
How can I not regret beating up this guy's heart so much to the point he stopped showing up to school?
"Have no regrets because at one point it was all you ever wanted."
I never wanted any it.
I never wanted this life.
Having no regrets is for people who haven't made mistakes.

I know you want her but I promise you its gonna be who stays up with you  until 5 am when you and your dad get in a fight and you need someone to talk to.
I know she's prettier but I promise you I'm gonna be the one who reminds you that your scars are the places where you are the strongest and to keep holding on.
I know she's smarter but I want to be the one who comes home and makes you dinner and asks you about your day.
I know she's funnier but I promise to laugh at all of your bad jokes.
I know you have history with her but we can write our own story.
I know she's better for you but I promise I'll be so alone without you.
I promise to love as hard as I can.

It's the small things that make me love you.
Like the way you pause in the middle of sentences to thing of what to say.
And the way you touch the middle of my back when you know I'm sad.
The way you push your hair back out of your face.
The way you laugh at my unfunny jokes.
The way your hazel eyes light up in our favorite cafe.
The way you always apologize with a crooked smile and eyes to the floor.
The way you smile with teeth (unlike usual) when your favorite song comes on the radio.
All these things made me fall in love with you.

What is so wrong about romanticizing pain?

No, pain is not beautiful.
But can one not see the beauty in loving someone so much that it hurts your heart physically and emotionally?

Isn't love that makes your whole body numb beautiful?

and its weird because I don't really know him
but just the thought of getting to know him makes the butterflies in stomach have seizures.
I don't really know him
but I think he might be the one who saves me

Realize that being able to write a good poem, doesn't mean you can make them stay.

I miss walking into a "Good morning" from you. It always started my day off right,
2. I miss dancing with you, if you could even call it dancing because we are both so bad.
3. I miss the simplicity of our happiness. We would sit on a field and you always talked about how much you were going to miss me when I left.
My heart always sank in fear of the thought of leaving you but I thought about the many months ahead of us and it wasn't so bad.
4. I miss being jealous as crazy as it sounds. You would say "You're so selfish when its comes to me." Then I'd laugh but it was true. My eyes would sharpen when I saw with other girls...some were prettier, and smarter, and probably a better fit than me.
5. I miss your laugh. Oh god, what I would give just to hear you laugh.
6.  I miss your hugs. They always felt like coming home.
7. I miss biting your ear. It was so odd but I knew the easiest way to turn you on.
8. I miss your cuddles. Now I sleep alone.
9. I miss your hands and how your fingertips traced my body as if you were the artist and I was the painting.
10. I miss the way you made me feel secure and never alone. I guess I never realized the abandoned houses next to our coffee shop until I became one.

As you know there is a part of me that has been suffering for awhile.
And I have tried so hard to push away these feelings of hatred out of my mind
but there is this void inside my heart that hasn't been filled.
When I met you it started to get better.
I started to smile again.
But being with you didn't fill the void that only self love can fill.
I thought that you would be able to fix me.
I thought that if you loved me enough that I would start to love me too.
but I was wrong.
Nobody can fix me except me.
I can't truly love anybody until I love myself and this is so hard to say.
Its hard because I'm hurting but I'm also hurting for you.
I picture you reading this and it breaks my heart.
This is so unfair to you.
But at this point in my life I have to help myself.
You did nothing wrong. This is all my fault and my problems.
You just loved me and you loved me so much that I couldn't bare the thought of being anything less than perfect for you.
This just isn't healthy. I need to get my thoughts back to a healthy place.
Please don't hate me.

1 5 3.

I just wanted to thank you.
His absence has destructed me.
His absence left me on a path that only went downhill.
His absence broke me completely.
His absence turned me into recluse.

But you saw that broken me and held me in your arms.
You helped me carry that weight.
You taped all the broken pieces together.

No, you didn't fix my life, but you made waking up a little more bearable and I can't thank you enough.

I know I acted disgusted but I kinda liked how he called you my boyfriend.

You promised you wouldn't leave.
You said "no one is better than you"
You promised I meant something.
Now I'm not sure if I believe that.
I haven't got out of bed in 3 days.
I hope she tears your heart into pieces.
I hope her kisses taste like me.
I hope she shows you love then takes it away.
You wasted my time and I hope she ruins you.

I don't know if it was you or if I just got nervous or both, but when you called me "beautiful" the butterflies in my stomach felt like fire burning.
I don't know if it was you or I just got scared or both, but when I saw you with her I could't help but get angry, the butterflies in my stomach evolved to hornets.
I don't know if it was you, or my past haunting me or both, but when you sang "Chasing Cars" to me, it reminded me of the one who broke me entirely and the butterflies in my stomach turned to emptiness as I fell on my bedroom floor crying that night.
I don't know if it's you, or me, or both, but I have no idea what we are but everything seems right even when its wrong.

I'm trying to be fine without you
But I can't help but wonder if you ever keep yourself up at night wondering what I'm doing.
You gave me a chance I didn't deserve
But I really hope there's not a day you regret it.
I'm trying to move on but there's a part of me thats waiting for the phone call when you tell me you miss me.
Because I really miss you.
I know I didn't always treat you how you deserved but I always tried.
And I will always try to get you to come back.
I will always fight for us. For you.

Take the time today to appreciate your favorite poet's work on HP, whether it be through a message or comment or liking their poems. Do so and tell me by liking/reposting this and I will show some appreciation to your work. It is always nice to feel like our creativity is inspiring to others. A simple comment could make someone's day.

I'm so lost.
and confused
and hurt
and tired
and I can't stop crying
and I'm angry
and I'm broken
and yet I'm still completely in love with you.

These days I can't seem to catch a break.
I want to be happy again.
I'm so scared to sleep because I know what I will see when I shut my eyes.
You left and took a piece of me I needed.
I've tried to apologize. I've apologized over and over again.
Even "I'm sorry" screams "come back" if you say it enough,
I know I shouldn't be surprised.
I knew you were the type to pour salt in the wounds but I never thought you'd do that to mine.

There was this moment in the midst of all tears and hurt that I finally felt what I tried to avoid feeling in the first place. Regret.
There was this moment when I thought to myself, "He is it. He is the one I've been waiting for this whole time."
And I let that go. How could I let him go?
How could I have not seen?
He is the one, but I think it's too late now.

You were almost the one.
You almost loved me.
We almost made it.
We almost had the time of our lives.
I almost understood the five heartbreaks before you.
I was almost content with how the constellations looked down on us.

*but almost never got anyone anywhere

I know that the day we talked for the time made me feel like I was drowning because you took the oxygen out of my lungs. I know you like your coffee with 6 pumps of vanilla. Iced. I know your left temple throbs when you're thinking of what to say. I know you 5 CDs of artists that you don't know (or like for that matter) in your car. I know that the way you touched my spine gave me chills. I know that you laid in my arms and said that I was the only person you loved to be around. I know you look up when you're trying not to cry. I know you looked up when you talked about college and leaving me. You looked up when you mentioned that I should move on. You looked up when I broken heartily said that I would and it didn't matter. I know that you used to give me the cup with more coffee. I know you were terrified of life more than death. I know you stay up till at least 2 am thinking about your future. I know you cared and that's why you left. But I don't know what to do with this love I still have for you?

I need a favor, if yall wouldn't mind reading through some of my poems and messaging me some of your favorite quotes from them, I would greatly appreciate it. I'll follow you and show some love to your profile.
Its really important.
Thank you


xoxo

court

Merry Christmas.
I still miss you so much.
I know you hate that casket because your claustrophobic and it makes me sick that you have to be in there forever.
I hope God gives you that book you always talked about, and how much you wanted it.
If I'm being honest I was going to get it for you for Christmas but I never got the chance.
I hope God gives it to you.
All I want this year is you just 6 feet closer and for your cheeks to be red from life again.
The distance is still too much for me. 6 feet has never felt so far.

I thought I would not know the best feeling in the world until I was older.
Until the first time I made love with the one I'm spending forever with.
Until I won the lottery.
Until I tasted the best cup of coffee.
Until he came back
Until I looked in the mirror and was actually pleased with my reflection
But no.
The best feeling in the world was when I thought you gave up on us and you were done but you texted me "Good morning<3"

I'm sorry. I know it's been months. I know you won't read all of this.





I'm sorry that the way you looked at me melted away every ounce of pain I ever had.
I'm sorry that the way you held me that night when I told you about my father made up for the nightmare you've put me in.
I'm sorry that the way you laughed at my jokes made up for the five thousand eight hundred and forty three days that I've been alone.

In those thousands of days I never felt more alone than I did the day you left though

I'm sorry I'm a complete mess without you.
I'm sorry I have to literally force myself to not text you or stop by your house.
I'm sorry I made a playlist of your favorite songs.
I'm sorry I still go to "our" coffee shop. It's so empty without you.
You used to cover up the crack in the chair across from me at "our" table at "our" coffee shop. Now I can see light piercing through the crevice.
I'm sorry I still know you number by heart.

You don't know this but I saw your mother at the grocery store. She didn't say hi.

I'm sorry I couldn't make words sound like angels as well as you turned darkness to light.
I'm sorry for being so cold.
I'm sorry, but I love you. You just mean so much. You're everything.
I'm sorry for letting you go.

I'm sorry your friends will probably read this, but it's important to me. You're important to me.

I love you.

In the early spring of 2011, my mother and my father sat me and my brother down on the living room.
I looked at the clock 8:03.
8:04: they say they love us and always will
8:05: they say daddy made a mistake
8:06: they day daddy says he can never forgive himself.
8:07: my mom forces back tears.
8:08: my heart suddenly feel heavier than the world
8:09: my mom says she will always be there even while daddy is away.
IN THE SIX MINUTES I REMEMBERED EVERY SINGLE ROAD TRIP WE TOOK, EVERY SINGLE BIRTHDAY WE CELEBRATED, EVERY GAME O MONOPOLY AND CLUE AND CANDY LAND. I REMEMBERED FALLING OFF MY BIKE INTO THE ARMS OF MY IN LOVE PARENTS. I REMEMBERED THE KITCHEN SMELLING OF MAPLE SYRUP AND BACON. I THOUGHT OF 204,693 REASONS WHY MY PARENTS LOVED EACH OTHER AND THEY COULDN'T EVEN THINK OF ONE. I THOUGHT "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME? HOW COULD YOU TEAR THIS FAMILY APART?"

WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME?

I just don't understand how you could use me to do your work,
to lead your people,
to shine your light,
when I'm not even worthy to be in the same room with you.
When you are the light
the shepherd
the savior of all the world.
the creator.
you are love and grace
you are life and death at the same time
you aren't the absence of darkness, darkness is the absence of you.

My heart isn't clean God. How could you use me?
My heart is shattered by the world. How could you use me to lead the world?
My heart is dark, hidden by laughter. How could you use me to show your steadfast love.

*I'm empty, God.
Please hold me close in your arms until there's none of me.
Only you.

I just wish someone cared enough to remind me that I matter more than my weight and I deserve to live longer than the days I haven't eaten.

If I made an Etsy and sold canvases and phone cases and other stuff with quotes from my poems would you guys buy them, if they were cheap?

I'm honestly so stuck right now, my poetry lately has ****** and I'm so out of it nothing I write has any bit of emotion in it.
I feel really empty without poetry but I feel too empty to write. I'm stuck in a ditch right now with no way to get out.
I'm sorry this probably doesn't belong here, but no one I know even knows I write poetry so I don't really have anyone to talk to.

Have any of you guys experienced this? Message me please. I don't want to be alone on this.