I'll see you in every oak tree
in every summer sunrise
in every crowded cafeteria
picturing you in your blue shoes
with a Bob Marley backpack
I'll remember the way your hugs comforted me
and the way you said my voice was pretty
and how you wore that gray shirt because you told me the day before that I'd like it
and how you said you were there for me
and how your eyes lightened up the room when you laugh
Oh God I miss you.... I miss you... I miss you..I miss you. I miss you.

I'll never forget you.

Sincerely,
your almost lover

I just wish someone cared enough to remind me that I matter more than my weight and I deserve to live longer than the days I haven't eaten.

What do you do when you're in love with someone who doesn't understand why you scream yourself awake every night?

I tried to get better
but with each pound comes a binge
and everytime my demons tell me that 104.8 pounds is too much.
"You're 5'8"" they say "You need to keep losing weight. Just because you're on the taller side doesn't give you an excuse to be fat"
So I binge.
Part of me is hoping that this time I throw up blood.
Blood is what keeps me alove and maybe if I keep throwing up what keeps my heart beating this will be the last binge, the last time I ever have to feel like this.
At least if I died, I would weigh a pound lighter.
I'm losing hope.
Everything is falling apart.
I don't want to live if my mind is only consumed by whats killing me.

If you don't use the hashtag, but did the challenge and I don't see it feel free to message it to me because I'm loving seeing all y'all's poems and I don't want to miss one!

the sweetest poems I ever wrote were when I claimed to hate you.

You made me believe in people again.
That's the problem.
I should've known.

I guess now that I'm happy I don't see the world through metaphors
I don't speak through paragraphs
I'm not fascinated in the seasons changing
But maybe it's not that I'm happy
Its that if I keep writing about how much it hurts that I have my name engraved in a bible while you have yours engraved into a stone then I'll never leave my bedroom floor.
Its the fact that my mom told me I can't die with you
Its the fact that I don't want to live in this world but these are the cards I was dealt so I have to.

I never loved you more than I did the moment you left me.

Dear boy with the soft voice,
your touch still lingers on my body.
your voice is still my favorite song.
But every song eventually ends.
and your miles away and out reach.
I miss you.
I'm sitting in your favorite coffee shop.
I can still taste your lips.
The coffee isn't strong enough.
Come back darling.

With love, (and many tears)
Me

P.S you're right. Adding vanilla does make the coffee better.

I know a lot of you guys are dealing with a lot and if you ever need someone to talk to feel free to message me. I would be happy to help, or just be there for you to vent.
         I really wish that Hellopoetry could be more connected. As fellow artists, I challenge you to take a risk and talk to someone on here, even if its just to say you appreciate their work. If you do take that risk, message me and tell me how it goes. Lets turn a website into a family.

xoxo
Court

but I can't forget you without forgetting myself.

I wish I would've known everything I know now when I first met you.

Sitting here remembering everything that's going wrong.
Then I remembered the last time I heard you laugh.
And everything is okay again.

I watch tv to get my mind off you.
Three pills should clear my mind.
I shouldn't be reminded.
I don't want to remember the tears that fell when we figured out that this would never work.
I don't want to think about that goodbye kiss that tore every ounce of confidence in love I"ve ever had.
You said "I love you" as you kissed every memory away.
This isn't how things we supposed to end.
But we are emotionally damaging.
The more we try the more we fail.
We are trying to fight for what we had 8 months ago.
Its time to cut the rope in this tug of war.

I think I'm dying.
I'm crying because I need to lose more.
I'm crying because I need to feel more.
I'm dying to feel something, anything.
I'm dying to hear your voice again.
I'm dying to be alive.

I think you're very inspiring and beautiful and I pray to God that there never comes a day where you don't see that.

The sad thing is that you bruised my heart so bad I can't even get my fingers to wrap themselves around a pen to write about it.

This went from a fairy tale to my worst nightmare in an hour
And now I'm on my bathroom floor trying to make sense of this through paragraphs.
I haven't felt this sense of loneliness since he passed.
You said this would be fine.
You said this would work.
Now you're ignoring my phone calls and even your flannel isn't making this better.
I wanted this.
I wanted you so bad.
Now I can't breathe and my stomach is in knots.
Make this better my love.

You once asked me "Why do you love him?"

His eyes are full light. The way he looks at me after I make a joke is enough to make me dance in my room on a Monday morning.
His arms are strong and comforting. I cried in his arms when I told him that my father's love was late, and there in his arms I found the strength to move on.
His voice is soft and peaceful. 3am was always beautiful with his words singing in my ear.
He has a scar right above his right eye. It's a beautiful flaw.
The way he laughs oh my God I think the angels sing in chorus.
He drinks coffee. Our love is stable due to empty coffee cups.
He's addicting like a cigarette except he'd never cause me any pain.
He once split a sandwich with me and he gave me the bigger half.
He's perfect for me.

"He's different."

I couldn't ever tell you all of this because then you might fall in love with him too.

Looking around the table and you're not there.
Watching the football game and you're not there.
Greeting the guests and you're not there.
Making my plate and you're not there.
Telling stories from this year and you're not there.
Saying what I'm "thankful" for and you're not there.
Watching the parade and you're not there.
Laughing at Uncle Jim's joke and you're not there.
It's hard to celebrate what you're thankful for, when the one you're most thankful for isn't there.

You held my hand until it hurt.

He hits you.
Apologizes.
Says he loves you.
You forgive him.
He hits you again.
Says it was an accident and he loves you.
You forgive him.
He hits you out of habit now.
He makes you feel like nothing.
But he says he loves you.
And now you don't know what love means anymore.

I JUST WANT TO FORGET THE WAY YOUR LIPS TASTED AND THE SOUND OF YOUR VOICE AND YOUR LAUGH AND THAT STUPID LITTLE SMIRK AND THE WAY YOU RUN YOUR FINGERS THROUGH YOUR HAIR AND THAT SMILE WHEN YOUR FAVORITE SONG CAME ON THE RADIO AND THE SCREAMS TO GOD IN THE SHEETS AND THE BRUISE LOOKING MARKS YOU MADE ON MY CHEST AND THE YOUR SINGING VOICE AND YOUR FAMILY AND YOUR BIRTHDAY AND HOW YOU PUT VANILLA IN YOUR COFFEE AND THE FACT THAT YOU'RE SUCH A NERD YOU'LL READ THIS AND HATE THAT IT'S A RUN ON SENTENCE SO YOU'LL FEEL THE NEED TO REWRITE IT WITH CORRECT PUNCTUATION AND I ESPECIALLY HOPE ONE DAY I FORGET THAT I EVER LOVED YOU AND THE WAY I FELT WHEN YOU LEFT.

My god, I didn't know my heart could love someone this much.

Good morning. I hope you're okay. I hope you're happy wherever you are. If heaven is real I know you're there. I'm sorry, my love, I'm so sorry.

I'm embarrassed to say that I miss you so much.
Even your bad jokes.
Especially your bad jokes.

I picked you every time.
I found you every time.
I knew you every time.
I loved you every time.
You hurt me every time.

Stop fighting it.
Our hearts beat for each other's.
Stop pretending this isn't real.
Stop pretending you don't feel anything.
Stop fighting the way your insides feel like fire when I say your name.
Stop building those walls higher and higher.
Don't ever act so nonchalant when someone calls you my boyfriend.
Just stop fighting this.
Stop.
This isn't a game.
There won't be a game over.
Just stop fighting yourself and let us happen.

When you start thinking about how much you miss me I hope you remember how many chances I gave you when you didn't deserve them and I hope you wish you could go back in time and remind me what it feels like to feel held.

I love you more than she does I promise.

This one is for the way you don't think you're attractive even though you are.
This one if for your voice because its heavenly, my love.
This one is for how you always try to scare me to be funny but you never actually succeed.
This one is for your hugs because they are so perfect.
This one is for the dreams you keep showing up in.
This one is for your taste in music...it's perfect.
This one is how you always poke my side when your "mad"
This one is for how you like your coffee. Same as me.
This one is for all your quirky mannerisms.
This one is for the smile you put on my face and how you have me dancing in my PJ's in the morning like I used to before he left.
This one is for how you showed me that I can move on and be happy again.
This one is for you and your goofy laugh.

You made my heart smile for the first time since his death.
I haven't had a glimpse of happiness in nearly 2 months.
You brought back something I've missed.
You made me laugh. I forgot how my laugh sounded.
You made me remember the feeling of contentment.
And for just a second you reminded what love felt like.

Its the many lies that pierced through me like a sword.
Its the laugh every time I asked you if you loved him.
You said no.
Its the heart next to your name in his phone and pictures of you two that etched inside my brain.
Its the "babe"s and the "love"s.
Its the way I asked you if you wanted him.
You said no.
Its the way you were my best friend, the one I would confide in when me and the boy were distancing.
Its the way I cried in your arms due to his absence.
Its the way I asked you if you heard from him.
You said no.
Its the way I found out your lies.
Its the kiss that was a hammer to my glass heart.
Its the look in his eyes, the look in yours.
Its the way I asked you if you kissed him.
You said no.


When someone asked you if you knew why we weren't friends anymore.
You lied.
You said no.

I opened the hall closet and pulled an orange box from the top shelf...
in there was your yellow sunglasses I almost broke so you told me to keep them,
the two birthday cards you got me this year because "just one isn't enough,"
receipt from places we went, brochures from places we wanted to visit,
a picture you drew me on old notebook paper,
a tennis ball we stole from our favorite park,
an envelope with my name on it,
32 pictures of you and I, when my eyes still had life in them.

I took everything out, and put it on a table.
I realized things that used to mean everything, now mean nothing

*And I cried

and cried

and cried

I'm falling in love with every part of you.
Like the way you run your fingers through your hair
And the way you hold you arms out and wiggle your fingers when you want a hug
And the way you laugh awkwardly at almost everything
I'm falling in love with you flannels and those converse that used to be white
And the way you say my name
And how I can't trust anyone but for some reason I trust you
You're making me believe in good people again and that scares me.

I WANT YOU BACK SO BAD. YOU ARE MILES AND MILES AWAY AND MY HOUSE DOESN'T FEEL LIKE HOME ANYMORE. THE ONLY HOME I REALLY KNEW WAS IN YOUR ARMS AND ANYWHERE ELSE I JUST FEEL INCOMPLETE. I NEVER UNDERSTOOD THOSE ABANDONED HOUSES UNTIL I BECAME ONE. I HOPE YOU KNOW I WAKE UP CRYING FROM NIGHTMARES EVERY NIGHT AND IT ONLY REMINDS ME THAT THIS BED IS A LITTLE COLDER AT NIGHT. AND I CANT SMELL YOUR COLOGNE ON MY SHEETS ANYMORE. AND YOUR SWEATER IS MY ONLY PIECE OF YOU THAT I HAVE AND I GOT A COFFEE STAIN ON THE SLEEVE AND I HOPE YOU AREN'T MAD. I MISS YOU SO SO MUCH MY LOVE. COME BACK.

I'm half asleep but I love you.
I'll fall asleep any second now but I love you.
I love you.

I met you and a week later I knew I'd be staring at the stars hoping you were doing the same every single night.
You're one thousand eight hundred seconds away.
That's one thousand eight hundred seconds too many.
I miss you so much.
I miss you more than my body can handle.
I miss you almost as much as I love you.

*john, six hundred and four thousand seconds wasn't enough time with you

I need you to be my lover or you can't be in my life at all.
*I can't just be your friend.

My mom is depressed
my lover is away
my lover's love doesn't exist anymore
this song makes me sad
I haven't taken a sleeping pill in 3 days
I haven't slept in 3 days
where is my father?
I think I'm slowly killing myself
one time a girl heard me throwing up in the school bathroom
no these scars on my wrist aren't from tonight but every other minute I wish they were
I just don't feel beautiful anymore

Please let me breathe today.

If God had a heart, he wouldn't have let me meet you, because he knew I'd fall in love.
If God had a heart, he wouldn't have let you ask for my number, because he knew I'd become dependent on a "good morning"
If God had a heart, he would've closed every movie theater, coffee shop, and bowling alley, because he knew millions of hugs and kisses and "I love you"s would be created there.
If God had a heart, he would've taken every "I love you" and "baby" and "you're my world" away from your lips because he knew one day I'd be on the floor wondering where we went wrong and if you ever meant a thing.
If God had a heart, my bed wouldn't feel so big right now. So lonely. So cold.
If God had a heart, he would've made you live somewhere else, because he knew I'd love you and everything that you are. He knew I'd fall so hard and I wouldn't ever leave my bathroom floor when you left. He knew I'd drink your favorite coffee to remember how your lips tasted. He knew I'd wonder if you were even real. He knew I'd be looking at how the stars look like the constellations in your eyes, hoping you were doing the same, just like you used to say Orion's belt and the big dipper were in my eyes.

*I hope you see the stars and think of me

Just wanted to tell y'all that I'm so thankful for all of you. If it wasn't for you I wouldn't get the opportunity to share my work every day. Every like, repost, comment, even view has been a blessing to me. I hope you all recognize how lucky we are to have a place that we can get away from everything going on and share our life through paragraphs and freely do what we love.
Have a blessed Thanksgiving. You are all amazing and beautiful whether you think so or not. I love you all<3

Whenever I die
I don’t want people to lie
And say I was nice
That wouldn’t be right
Tell them how I felt inside
How easy it was to make me cry
How I’d jump from guy to guy
That I wasn’t easy to love
And I rarely felt like I was enough
I believed in God above
But living it out was really rough
I don’t want people to lie
Whenever I die
I could be mad and if you’d seen it
You’d know I say thing and not mean it
Tell so many lies that I’d believe it
Say I’d love them then I’d leave em
I never shared what was mine
And I wasted too much time
I don’t want people to lie
Whenever I die
To the people I hurt I would apologize
Though I always thought I was right
I’d be crying and say I was fine
And I’d feel lonely most of the time
If it’s not too much to ask
Do me a favor one last time
Tell them who I am
Whenever I die

I used to look at abandoned houses and thought nothing of them until I became one myself.

I saw you and I knew right then that this would end with me on my bedroom floor wondering why the constellations were against us.

Wish I could look at you.
Wish that these demons calling to me wouldn't be the last to see me.
They scream to me in a familiar voice, the one voice I'd wanna hear.
Yours.
But I know once I awake I'll see my greatest pain.
My biggest regret.
My deepest fear.
I'll see you in that revolving door once again.
When you decided I was no longer what you wanted
When you gave me everything then took it away when you left in silence that turned into a black memory crammed so far down the bottle I forgot it was even there.
You changed my world and plagued everything and everyone around.
Because every little thing you used to do calls to me asking me to remember, to see it once again.
And the birds in the freezer in my heart have become so still and quiet.
My pupils grow smaller and smaller every day because in my world that used to be so bright and full of life has become so dark and small.
And I can't come to terms with living in a world without us.
So I look-
I hear you.
I feel you.
I see you

Happiness isn't an emotion. It's being with you.

Good morning. Please don't suffocate me today.