Have you ever felt helpless?
Well and truly powerless?
Do you know how it feels?
A hand wrapped around your throat,
Someone else is in control.
You cannot breathe
Unless they want you to.
Your life in someone else's hands.
It's terrifying.

Maybe I'm a little twisted and dark,
But I thought you liked it that way.
So I play with scissors and knives and darts...
Is the blood on the wall too much for you?
Is the blood on the wall too much for you?
I draw graphic stabbings and maimings,
You never said you liked your girls sweet.
Why did you ask for fresh strawberries?
I've always been more of a rotten lemon.
How was I to know you wanted a nice girl,
When you always loved to call me a ***** girl?
I thought I was your dark girl, dark angel.
You used to love the way I wanted to bite,
Bite you until I made you bled warm and red.
Now when I write you notes about butchering,
You abandon ship off the starboard side.
I wanted us to drown together darling,
But I suppose I can drown you alone...

Oh, it's what you do to me

A thousand rain drops
As this cloud burst
The dam is cracking
Splitting
Lacing up; their own little maze
Jagged and raw

And what colour am I stained?

There is no scar
- You didn't give me any time to heal
Scratch and scratch and scratch
Coagulate blood - no don't!
Gouge it out once more.
Gouge *at me.
Never to form a scar.

Was I ever enough?
Were we ever enough?
I mean, reason enough?
But you don't see the blood
And we've learnt to hide the tears.
Maybe back in the realms of somewhere
Ignored shadows whisper guilt
Whisper truth

You're drunk.
How can you stand the silence?
Isn't that when they scream?
You're drunk
And I'm sick of living this same nightmare.

the truth is right in front of their face
they choose to look the other way
an illusion is what their mind is based
they don't want to see the thunder storms of May

the mother doesn't want to face reality
though its right in front of her
the father doesn't want it to be
they both let their heads blur

but their daughter will soon be dead
following in her older brother's steps
the 17 year old crack head
their footsteps silently crept

down the stairs
or out the window
claiming they need fresh air
they're really smoking *** though

everyone just turns away
shielding themselves from the truth
but what happened to their son Jay
and where is their daughter Ruth

both have disappeared
the mother and father burst out in tears
forced to face what they secretly always feared
having no right to cry since they were never really here

so what happened to Jay
and 15 year old Ruth
both had a price to pay
since their parents chose not to see the truth

I feel so inexplicably vulnerable
I'm naked behind the fogged glass
The water running off my skin
Off in drips, in streams
I can see his silhouette on the other side
But can only imagine what he sees
I am so much more than naked, bare

He mutters shush, hissing like the snake he is
Through the water, steam, and fogged glass
I swear I see his lips curve into a distorted, manic grin
On the other side of the breakable barrier
I am just as equally breakable
I'm too afraid to move
Why are locked doors forbidden in this house
His hands lift and his fingers graze the glass
On the barrier he traces crooked lines
That bend and curve like I do
I can feel myself shaking
As lines create clear windows between us

And he stops
I feel faint, nauseous
His eyes are staring
And mine are tearing

When he leaves
I sink to the floor
The water running off my skin
Off in drips, in streams

hahaha
silly girl
silly girl
what are you doing
this is all a dream
no matter
no matter
there will always be blood
in the street
on your hands
you think behind closed doors
you're invisible
but no
you're not
you're just behind a door
they'll open it and
see you
they will see you  
but it's a dream
because you don't matter
why did you collect it all
pooling around their vacant bodies
you paint the white walls
the same thing
each time
you paint a rose
but the rose never stays
it runs red
with the blood you use
because the greatest lie
is that you're in a dream
**when you are the nightmare

You made me fear myself
You made me do things I would have never wanted to do
I told everyone so I could get a bit of relief from them think I was so cool
But it only made me want to cry for myself even more
I didn't know how bad this was till the cops showed up at my door with your name lingering on their tongues
Tainting the room with the essences of my fear mixed with my infatuation
It made a bittersweet fog for me to fumble through, a bittersweet unknowing fog
I didn't know how bad this was till they made me take my shirt and pants off to show them bruises in the shape of you
When they took off my ribbons stained with an ink held in vein
Showing your name, more permanent than a tattoo
The scars still haunt me, making me flinch every time I change
I didn't realize what this fear could do to me
Slowly letting the cops drag bits and pieces of you from me
The pieces that I held close to my heart
The pieces that had left tears and wounds on me
Not quite able to see what you, my fear of you had done
I was barely able to see how big of a mistake I made for you
I did all of this out of my fear of you
My fear making me think I loved you
Fear did this to me
Oh fear, it drives me
It drove me to this
My fear of you
It drove me to this
You drove me to this
Or maybe I feared not you, but no you
Oh the fear I have of you, Its so terrifying
terrifying myself that at my youngest of thirty, or at my oldest forty five
You'll come and get me
Get me and not let me go
I smell you surrounding me
The first three months it comforted me
Now it sends me into a panic
I can feel you slowly pulling away my innocence
So slow and thrilling at first
Harsh and cruel as it goes
Slowly realizing there is no more to pull away
No more innocence
Only raw ***** skin
***** skin, so fragile, it could tear away any moment
The pain you give me
Now received by your claws ripping down drawing blood I've never spoken of
Your teeth leaving scars only seen by me
Time like that left untold, they built a dam of stories
It has leaks and holes, threatening to break open
It has me threatening to tell about the three days in November when you did more to me than I ever wanted
You ignored my whimpers and pleads of no
You pushed me, Making me yours
Making me your two cent *****
I still fear waking in your house wanting to leave but my fear keeping me rooted to the spot
Your touch making me a puppet for your use
A rag doll for your pleasure
Fear is such a simple word but the way it drives us is a complicated *******
A ******* that won't let us out of this metaphorical car
How was my fear able to shape me into this whimpering being afraid of the dark
Afraid of my monster
Afraid of my monster that made me a woman before I was even ready to be a girl
I have an immense fear of you
Fear that I will never be able to shake you
That you will always be around that corner ready to get me
My fear drives my more recklessly than an alcoholic at happy hour
It drives me to think that I was the one who did wrong
It drives me to dark places
Places where my fear pushes
Pushes me to my inevitable demise
My demise sending me down to hell
Sending me to have an eternity with you taunting me
You have shaped me into something no one should ever have to be
I throw myself into trying to forget you only to receive more shame
The shame of waking up tangled in sheets not able to find my shoes
You created me
I am afraid of a two headed monster
This monster is you and the me you created
I fear you
I fear no you
I fear having you
There is no balance to my insanity for you
The insanity you inspired
I am being driven by a simple emotion, turned oh so complicated
I am being driven and I can’t get out of this metaphorical car
I can’t get you out of my head

Never in my wildest dreams
Will I ever be happy it seems
For I have gone through hell
And have never heard heaven's bell
No one can ever truly love me
For I hold a demon that no one sees
Everyone will eventually leave
From me, themselves they will cleave
For I cannot imagine a world filled with happiness
For I am the one who can never truly rest
Until I am buried six feet in the cold ground
Will I ever be able to actually rest, safe and sound

I’m so, so, so, sorry.*
I tried.
I tried to save them.
But once they had their minds made up….
It was like trying to change someone’s mind
Once they were already in a freefall.
Who says we live and we learn like it’s a fact of life?
If it was a fact of life, they’d still be here.
Don’t you dare try to give me that *******.
It is true, however, the phrase *life isn’t fair.
No, it’s not.
How is it fair that they’re both dead and I’m still here?
How is it fair that I was the last person they spoke to?
How is it fair that each of their dying wishes was for me to save the other?
How is that fair, tell me!
I once told him it’s okay not to know everything,
But this is ridiculous!
I just don’t know anymore.
I just don’t know.
Neither did they.
And look where they are.