my blood feels restless in my veins
i need to move
to walk
to run
to speak
to scream
to be heard
to be ignored
i kick out the screen separating me from the night air
the roof spans before me
my bedroom two stories above the ground
reckless
i step onto the shingles
in my kitty cat socks you gave me
my t shirt goes to almost my knees
it waves around me like the skirts of a ball gown in the breeze
my hair tangles around my face
the moon illuminates my skin
my earbuds sing to me
feeding me slow sad rap
from a beautiful person dead and gone
"i just wanna lay my head on your chest, so im as close as it gets, to your heart"
my tears are grazed off my face by the wind
"nobody wants to talk to me, but everyone wants to walk with me"
i crumple to my knees, the shingles rough
"i just keep it to myself and try not to cry to loud"
the sobs ive been keeping inside shake my small shoulders now
no one can hear me
my voice is snatched away by the gale
my screams are sent to the stars
the moon reaches for me
the planets love me
the galaxies are my friends
the universe will care for me
as it has cared for many broken souls before

I had already received
My allotted amount
Yet once again this crazy life
Has me down for the count
Trying to explain
Is the hardest thing
If it weren't for being poetic
I could never break free
Words are the only thing saving me!

1:00 am, 3:00 am ... most nights,
thirty minutes without warning,
restless air, chokes the pipes
when controlled, it explodes in bits
of yellow, orange , dark red and gray
skull seems to crack ... or , is it breaking now?
a darkness follows a wheezing,
desiring to spew all malaise  
expelling bad air, while chasing fresh air
praying a stillness soon rules .... . but , no,
the painful exertion persists
that  disturbing noise just goes on,
and racks one's whole being ... one's world
every rib quivers ... every fiber throbs  
eyes and veins start to bulge
as if to burst on their own...

,, ,, , for a while, a calm occurs ... yet ,
another dreaded episode lurks...

on a dark, restless night such as this,
one can only imagine
~ ~ ~ the undulating waves ~ ~ ~
~ ~ ~ and the blue waters ~ ~ ~
~ ~ ~ of the tranquil sea ~ ~ ~

~ ~ ~
Sally
~ ~ ~

Rosalia Rosario A. Bayan
March 20, 2019

#dreaded episodes  #malaise  #severe cough

The light inside left me for a bit
but...
I found it one night when I truly needed it
Lately I have been in the in between
I've felt like diving head first in the deep end
Where no one can see me to hurt me
drown out the surface
drown out my worthless
Then come back up from the bottom down

"And,
What are you sad about today?"



"Well,
You see,
I'm sad about my sadness."