I've fallen
into a torpor pit
swirling blackness
seals my lips
I close my eyes
but all I see is me,
Disengaged
Deranged
there is no reason
for this smothering gray.

I feel your hands
but they don't penetrate,
Your breath is sweet upon my face,
laughter comes from another place,
this silence remains my only respite,
My words are stifled
in my chest,
My poetry shoots blanks
where ever I tread.

Motivation is a thing
of the past,
Desire's gone at last,
Being is all that's
left within my grasp.

Lavender love in
technicolor plays
out on a screen,
Life travels on the
wisps of Monarch wings -
Breathe heavy and
hot,
Breathe light and cold,
My words they freeze
when they hit the snow.

I know dances unfold,
But no dance partner knows
the darkness that's become my
trembling soul.

It is to this enclave
I go
from time to time,
the winds outside
still howl my name,
While demons
bang on the walls
of my shame.

Call it a mood,
Call it a funk,
Call it the blues,

Sometimes
these holes just open,
Inside I go,
No ladder
only a shovel
wouldn't you know.

Doors without keys,
Echoes without sounds,
And all there is
is
the
darkness
I
have constructed
all around.

Within the last few years since I left recovery, I have let many people and things into my life that have dragged me down over and over again thinking that my sympathy, empathy and support will somehow give these people the hope and help that I, myself was given. Combined with the feeling that many mistakes (that hurt people) I have made remain unfixed, my life choices from past to the present haunt me and cause me to lose sleep on a regular basis. I wake up half of my mornings feeling this isn't the life I want.

I feel used, unappreciated, helpless, unaccomplished, worthless, scared, alone, don't want to talk to anybody because I don't want to burden them... The list goes on.

(This is not every day. My friends, family and loved ones are plentiful and there for me. I am nevertheless thriving.)

This has caused me to be resentful, unable to trust, become guarded and unloving. This isn't me, nor the person I want to be. I have since cut out several people in my life, some suddenly and without explanation. I want to love these people just as much as I want to cuss at them. Steal from me, get loaded and make bad choices, refuse to pay me back, lie to me, cheat me, slander my name. Go ahead. You aren't going to be in my life for very long. Those types are no longer welcome, and I pray they stop one day because those people and those actions destroy this world slowly.

Regarding MY mistakes, there are some people I will never be able to make amends to because I will likely never see them again, while some will simply not accept it. Since I cannot make amends to these people, the only way I know how to feel better is to make a living amends and add good to this world in other places. These people will never know how badly I want redemption; for the last 6 months, I have given up my Saturdays and gone to the local ER and volunteered. My soul feels a bit better because of it and sadly it is the only institution that I feel valued at (irony that I don't get paid). I try and find things in my life that give me meaning, and do them. While some people will always hate me and only remember the messed up, strung out me, I have no choice except to breathe deep, but shaky, and trudge on. If this is the only life I will ever have, I choose to not let these people and my past haunt me. I choose to be here as a positive in the universe and will struggle with this until it kills me or hopefully until I don't have to.

I have tried for three years now my **** hardest to cope with a difficult work environment, deadly addiction and debilitating neurological issues. Few have given me answers or much less understood what the hell is wrong with me, none have provided a solution. Doctors don't know anything beyond their prescription pads it seems. The best help I get is a blank check for medical bills from my parents. They should not be suffering for my problems, I am 27. This only makes me feel more inept and worthless as well that I cannot take care of them. I took so much from them when I was bad, I don't want to take anymore.

I have gone and lost my **** far too many times because of what other people do... If you are finding yourself being self-destructive, you are likely hurting others with your actions. You need to remember that when you bring negativity to the table, you share it with those around you... I fight everyday to keep these negative demons away literally self-checking every hour I am awake and breathing (it is exhausting), but the factors adding to it must be recognized and dealt with. I'm tired of putting bandaids on infected situations, I want the infections out and the scars to form. I'm done with this phase of life's BS.

I made a promise three years ago that I would never give up, nor fall back to where I was. I am not perfect, but I will give myself one hell of an A for effort.

The few times when I see my efforts or apologies were appreciated, it feels like heaven. It is always worth it to help others as long as you don't give yourself and everything away.

Crossing the room in slow motion
She watches his muscles move in the moonlight
Oh how they glisten in anticipation
Sit my pet, in a whisper
At her feet he waits with bated breath
So pleased at his obedience
Proceed
Such a simple command
He inches closer
His eagerness evident in his silence
In his omission of a proper response
An outfaced palm and he stops short
Sitting back on his feet, hands in lap, eyes to the floor
I'm sorry Ma'am, he says
That is evident by his failure to respond
He knows what is coming
Grabbing the back of his hair she forces his eyes to hers
Position, she says disgustedly
She leans back in the armchair as he pulls her hips to the edge
He lifts one leg and gently places it over the arm
Then he positions the other in the same manner
Sitting back on his feet, facing the floor
His arousal is evident, as is his moist anticipation
Respire.
The word is grunted through gritted teeth
He leans into heaven
Hovering an inch away
Slow deep breaths
He breathes in her essence wanting nothing more
Than to bridge the gap with his tongue
White satin and peekaboo lace
She runs down the rules of his punishment
Will you touch the Goddess
No Ma'am
Will you drool on the Goddess
No Ma'am
Will you move without permission
No Ma'am
How long will you hold your position
As long as my Goddess sees fit...Ma'am
Good boy
His breath is slow, deliberate, and heavy
The heat of it permeates the thin fabric
She runs her hand over the object of desire
Accentuating the outlines of what lies beneath
An accidental whimper
Silence!
A gruff command
Followed implicitly
In a slow and graceful motion
A hand slips under the fabric
Opening her flower releasing a hint of nectar
The scent grows exponentially upon the unfurling of petals
A glistening finger touches him just above his lip
Is that what you want?
It's a rhetorical question
Yes please
What will you do to get it
Such a simple question with but one answer
Anything you please, Goddess
Stick out your tongue
He does so in silence, careful that he does not touch her
She uses his wet flesh to wipe her finger clean
Closer she whispers
Now, within a half inch he breathes her in deeply
Mesmerized by the dewy goodness held behind the smooth satin
Watching desire grow in painfully slow motion
He blows out on the growing dampness
As he waits for her next command

The man said look there
and the skies went red,
He pointed directly
as the many fell dead.

Is this now his quiet
words added in.
The legacy from
a world full of sin.

A long, long, long,
time ago it is said.
Even before humanity
ever raised it's head.

The world had a soul,
the tempo was nice.
In fact it was
a real paradise.

Simple creatures knew
that life was rough.
They also knew when
enough was enough.

And although they
sometimes had to ****
it was just to survive.
Never for the thrill.

That curse came later
and when it began
the name of this curse,
the arrival of man.

And so it has gone
millennia has past
and the world that we've ruined
is not going to last.

So here it starts,
plagues on the street.
And people are falling
down dead at my feet.

Trying to run,
driving their car
but with nowhere to go
they will not get to far.

They mistreated this planet
they maligned this place
and now this planet earth
is looking them in the face.

In vain, the priest attempts to exorcise
He struggles hard to cease the demon’s rise
His prayers prove to be of no avail
She's almost sure they will completely fail

Contorting limbs, in pain and immense fear
From one of those alluring eyes, a tear
Cannot control the one inside no more
Without a pause she screams, so sick and sore

The wretched spawn is crawling right within
Her aching throbbing belly weak and thin
Some spikes are seen already tearing flesh
She feels each one just like a dagger's slash

With blisters-covered skin, expelling pus
There is no true escape from all this fuss
Entirely drenched in sweat, in **** and tears
Atrophied head rotates, her judgement nears

Amidst the blackened blood, now flowing out
Applying strength, ignoring cry or shout
Exuding putrid smells, an horror-born
Keeps screeching out as if destroyer’s horn


*Possession, Defilement and Birth by João Massada is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.