The car will edge past the truck maybe
and maybe we'll survive this message
playing on repeat, apologies like daft lilies
and then you go ahead and tell me that you've never
learnt from your mistakes, or my mistakes.
That mistakes are only bad unless you change the order
of analogy. This experiment has been contaminated.
Now a fresh batch. Trust me, there's a point to this.
I'm counting back from a hundred and two
and you've got me standing in the middle of the highway,
blindfolded; this is what loving you felt like,
you said. But I think it was more dramatic in my head.
Nuclear fission and the seige of Dresden dressed
up playing Adagio in D minor; I'm dust. I'm dust.
I've become ash and misery and I'm trying to stay inside you
but you've been coughing a lot, and who's to say
you were holding your breath for something exciting,
I just know for a fact that at the end of this beep,
you'll know what to do and yet
you're not going to leave another message.

When she drives by old places the two of you use to visit
She slows down just to stare a little longer,
Ignoring all other vehicles
Because you are more important
Because you always were
She put you first so many times
You put her second and third and
Sometimes she wondered if she mattered at all
So sometimes she cries herself to sleep
Not out of anger or frustration or even loneliness
But because of how long it has been since she has been held
Because it has been so **** long
Since a kiss has made her feel her heart in her toes
Sometimes she misses you
Not because she has no one else
But because she knows there will never be anyone else
You were her every wish and prayer come true
As selfish and terrible as it may seem
She wanted you
Just you, in any way you would take her
You were her entire world and the worst part
Is that you still show up in her dreams.

She is a spindle on my bed
Reminding me of my mumma
  Sweating on my sheets,
naked, lewd, romanticizing me
  Not knowing I hide her
from my friends and family
  Not knowing I drink, pop
uppers, downers, as I prop
  Up against the headboard
and as I watch her cradle
  Her head between my
Half Caucasian, Half ******
  Thighs, riddled with scars
Seven years old, one year older
  Than the baby I gave up.

I wonder how I taste, how
  I look, Do I taste like shame,
Do I taste like love forgotten
  Do I look like the ******
The city girls gossip that I am
  Can you see the removal,
The crib I threw my child from
  The trauma that caused me to
Abandon him, to abandon me,
  What will cause me
To abandon you

  Sarah, my love, where have I gone
Why have I left you, bloodless,
  Soulless in the pitch black dreary
Gravelled upon the smoothness
  Of my deceitful, coarse projection

Sarah, I am sorry that my shame
  Coerced me to run from your
Eternal rays downward on my
  Dimpled, crooked smile, on my
Dimpled brown ***, attached to
  My snakey spine, what holds
My ribs, what protects my lungs
  Which do nothing but breathe
You.

sodden fabric
twisted tautly
around a flawed
shaft

perforated drum
tumbles mixed
load damp
and tangled

each revolution
coins rain down
empty pockets
wave surrender

I am lost.
Trapped in an ocean.
Waves of depression,
Crash against my heart.

There’s a lighthouse,
But she won’t show me the way.
The tide is coming in.
It rushes through me.

I see the coast,
But I can’t reach it.
The salt water stops me.
I am drowning.

- kmh

roses were red
violets were blue
now they are black
i dont know what to do

my life is in shambles
my heart beats too fast
my stomachs constantly turning
and i find myself fumbling

i found a new hobby
one you'll love too
its called counting the lines
and colouring them too.

my choice is long
with lots to follow
as the red paint sets in
tears well in my eyes.

you see i draw with a blade across my skin and paint with my blood which seems so thin for it's pouring out fast and there is no telling if its stopping
I'm too tired to play more.
Good Night and Good COUNTING.

-been

I feel like falling apart.
As if the paint was peeling off the walls and showing me my true reality.
I dont know what else to do
This existentially crippling feeling makes me want to ***** the lunch i never ate
Wanting to grab a shotgun and point it to my brain
Maybe then, ill end the pain

Awakened to the smell of ash and sulfur
This place, a reminder of our sins
Dark figures dragging me down a narrow corridor
The heat rising
Screams audible now
Choking on the fumes
A light at the end
But not one of hope
Eyes adjusting to the sights around me
Horror...
The brimstone beneath me singes my feet with every step
A sprawling lake of fire before me
Agonizing cries of the mangled souls trapped down below
Tossed over the edge
My body chars and burns
Reforming and destroyed again
It won't end
Doomed to an eternity of suffering and misery
Begging, pleading for it to stop
The twisted demons, they enjoy it
Fueling their hate and malice
Lucifer atop his throne
Admiring his cruel design
This is my final destination
This is Hell.

I promise you she wasn't always broken
She use to be a whole
But life kept hitting her
Right in her fragile heart
She loved too hard
Loved too long
Always forgave
Buried the pain
But it lingered in the air
It touched her in the dark
Scared her
She use to smile all the time
Though she can't remember that now
She use to laugh
Use to explore and feel free
She was wild and happy
Now she's barely there
Just a shadow of a girl
Calling herself a woman
She wasn't always broken
She was so in love that she felt
As though her heart had grown
Maybe that's why the brokenness
Hurts so badly now
She wasn't always broken
But I think a part of her was never
Quite whole either.