My fingers feel thick while they are tapping
I feel trapped my mind seems blank as I stare at the screen
I feel immobilized and panicked and want to scream
My heart is racing
I feel like pacing
I feel like a shell of my normal self
I do my best to calm myself
The clock is ticking
I feel the urge to race against the clock
I should take a few deep breaths and slow down my body and mind
Instead I follow the fight and flight response and rush myself
I need to get a grip and find a way to overcome the
                    Test Anxiety

I am
really good at
tearing away
people who love me.

Once again I'll call your name
When my foolish heart quakes with pain
Mocking embrace, I push away, longing, aching for your company
I wither and decay with emptiness
Glass shattered eyes, bleeding so softly
Selfishness, hollow smile, cracks the foundation
Bleeding me dry
You walk through my halls and tear me down
******* some would say, but you feel like home to me
Winter mood illuminates, a foolish display
The last thing i do, regret
Silver tongue, crystal eyes, follow my piper
With my fear and shield of lies, completing my failure
Now my sins show the way to lasting impressions
Fading colors you have shown me
And your arms have led me astray
But you were always like home to me
I've seen through to what's within
Lost and alone you said I was what you were looking for
So why do I feel so empty
It all seemed so real, but I am nothing in your eyes now
Reaching out, you pulling away, never letting me in
I see you live your life, like a fool I stand here waiting
In letters, words, and pictures
You profess your love to me, but alas it's all lies
And the malice I should feel for your deceitfulness
Somehow always escapes me
And in the shading between all the words you said to me
I know I'd be left empty
Because you are home to me...

I once knew a man who called me trash,
and after that, worthless,
with some lovely expletives in between.

I was hurt, yes,
but the truth hurts,
does it not?

I nodded my head,
I knew the truth.

The truth...
the truth was a lie,
and my lies were truth.

All was fine,
and I was worthless.

The truth was a lie,
and my lies were truth.

I no longer know
what is real and what's not.

All was fine,
and I was worthless.

I crave a love so deep the ocean would be jealous.
I loved the stars so fondly even the moon looked back at me.
The truth is I dont need someone in my life to tell me that I am special, god told me I am.
He wants me to give love and all I get back for that is tears on my face and scars on my body.

Its not complicated to be the girl nobody truely cared about.
You may be miles away but my demons aren't.
They would never mistreat me and mistake my tears for a smile.
The prove of being ugly isnt a sign of the stars, it comes from the heart.

I have cried a lot of tears knowing nobody would cry for me.
So maybe this time it is good to be alone in the dark.
Try to pull yourself out this time and make a promise not to tell a single soul
about our little secret. Not that someone would really care.
They see your outside not knowing what is going on, on the inside.
I can't drown my demons they know how to swim. They will catch me sleeping.

I was the girl who never was afraid of anything in the world. They called me fearless.
I always was a good actress, being the lovely and popular girl never was a hard role.
Being a dissapointment is another thing. My life is fail wasted with a bottle of *****.
My life isn't going up because my thoughts are falling down and wanting to be dead,
never was this of big deal this year. I am scared to get close and I hate being alone.
I long for that feeling to not feel at all. I never was good with my emotions anyway.

The blades make me feel comfortable and the cuts make me feel like an outcast.
I always knew I was different from my friends, they never called me this but deep down
inside I knew I was the ******, the outsider and nobody really did like me.

When people want something from you they will do anything to get that thing.
Even if it is just to get their needs, yes I am talking about man.
Being a doll in one of this stupid games always was my biggest struggle.
I am a believer in love, knowing I will never get it. because nobody really cares.

The blood makes me feel alive. It reminds me that I am not dying. not yet.

I always wonderd what heaven looks like, even though I am going to hell.
Being a good person is the hardest thing I am dealing with in my life.
May god forgive me for the things I have done and for the things I am going to do.

My head is going to explode soon.
Tell Satan I said hello.