She was not the first pick for dodgeball,
Or football,
Or soccer,
Or tennis,
Nor was she the fastest,
Or strongest,
Or prettiest,
Or fittest,
But she was the nicest,
Most loyal,
Most kind and true,
But at the end of the day,
That never mattered to you.
You wanted the most perfect,
And prettiest,
And fittest,
And fakest,
… Which wasn’t her. So why’d you do it? Was it a bet?
A dare?
A scam?
Or a lie?
Because now in hindsight,
You are that type of guy,
To go after the nicest,
Most loyal,
Most kind and true,
To leave her broken, hopelessly devoted to you.
And once she’s rebuilt you’ll come back around,
Just to once again, try and knock her down.
And you knew she’s the nicest,
Most loyal,
Most kind and true,
So you knew that she’d come back to you.
And she does, because she is the nicest,
Most loyal,
Most kind and true,
And again, she’s left chasing the memory of you.
So again, she rebuilds, and throws out the
Terrible,
Horrible,
Manipulative, memory of you.
And she won’t let you come back.
Not because she isn’t the nicest,
Most loyal,
Most kind and true,
But because now she is the smartest,
Most loyal,
Most kind and true,
Which at the end of the day, never mattered to you.
So chase your Barbies,
Be happy,
Find a love that’s true,
Because in time, the same thing will happen to you.

It’s 2am and I’m wide awake,
I can’t stop thinking about what you said
Our past memories keep overwhelming me,
I ask myself: why didn’t I realise how much you meant to me?

Tears start rolling down my cheek,
I feel so guilty, so small and weak  
“Why couldn’t I just accept your love and stay?”,
This question has been haunting me everyday

I scroll through our past messages tentatively,
Realising how you had waited for me so patiently
Even after numerous night falls,
Why didn’t I ever give you a call?

I realised that maybe I was too selfish,
You were just right there- why didn’t I cherish?
“I will be here for you” was what you said,
Why didn’t I ever say this to you instead?

A crushing sensation pierces through my heart,
It seems as if my entire world is falling apart
“I deserve this, you went through this too”,
I will willingly suffer pain and sorrow just for you

It is selfish for me to say that I want you back,
I have always loved you- it just took time for me to realise that
It’s too late, you seem to have already moved on;
What else can I do, but to pretend to put on a strong front?

It’s too late, maybe your heart is somewhere else
You didn’t wish me on my birthday- I can infer from it by myself
We both made mistakes, but you tried to make up for it;
I did too, but maybe, I was the cause of our second split

You’ll never read this, but I want you to know,
I have always had feelings for you- it just didn’t show
I have always been terrible at texting and directly expressing my feelings;
My ‘pococurante’ over messages might have been what was misleading

There are so many things that I want to tell you,
One of it is that it takes a lot not to call you
If me contacting you brings you pain in any way,
Even if it means suffering on my own- I won’t do so; I’ll act like everything is okay

You are the kindest, most selfless and sweetest guy I know,  
Don’t let my mistakes affect you and become your shadow
You bring a ray of light and comfort to the people around you,
I hope one day, you’ll find someone who is like this too

“We’ll see what happens four years down the road” was what you said,
Four years have passed- what have we become instead?
From being friends, to lovers, to friends, back to being strangers;
Will this cycle repeat? Or is it too late for us

Every time I walk past you or see you from afar,
My heart beats crazily fast, it just adds on to my scars
It’s too late for me to apologise and reconcile, isn’t it,
My finger hovers above the ‘send’ button… should I click?

28/11/21
2am

If I could
I'd take your smile
put it away until times weren't kind
I'd add it to the wink you left behind
That would carry me through most anything.

If I could
I'd preserve your kiss
Keep it safe until times of loneliness
Reminds me distance keeps you from me
I'd open the lid and let the touch
Carry me to you

This jar is full of tears cried in vain and all for you
If you drowned in them you'd feel the way I do
Firm packed words and memories all you've left me with
The notion that everlasting love is just a myth
Taken handfuls of pills every morning and night
None of which bring me closer to feeling alright
And flung on wall are my remaining ***** to give
My lack of concern I'll ask you to forgive
They did not protest
I plucked them from my chest
Happy to be free from the bars in my breast
Replenishing what was surrendered
The air
That is the curse of being forced to care
The clothesline of ***** laundry hung to dry
In past would be reason to cry
Burdened with knowledge of the atrocity I am
Blessed I no longer give a ****

you cross my mind so often
i sit and watch you do it
no wonder i don't find my way to yours
i can't seem to move

To love me is to accept sleepless nights; to accept immortality; to accept that you love what you cannot mend. In other words (which are not my own):

“I do not know what makes a writer, but it probably isn’t happiness.”