Some things don't end smoothly.
It's not the slow braking of a car,
A seamless transition from driving to a standstill.
Sometimes you need to slam on.
And it never happens silently,
There's always a screech or a thud or a gasp,
It takes you by surprise and it lurches you forward.
You have to hold on for dear life.
The unexpected nature of it wreaks havoc on your insides;
Butterflies are woken up from your stomach and become nausea.
You check to see if all your limbs are intact, or in fragments.
Then you do the same for your heart,
Searching to see if it went through the windshield
Or if it managed to stay held inside by your unyielding ribs,
Only ever collapsing under the strain of breaths,
Hyperventilating into an airbag.
Some things don't end smoothly.
It's not the steady sigh of relief,
It's the jagged, shaky breaths that never fully extend
In or out, and there's no calming halt afterwards,
Just a process of continuously hitting the brakes.

I'm not expecting
anything, anything from you
no hearts or heavy breathing
no rage or anger seething
I'm only keeping
keeping track of
the pleasant days I see you
no butterflies and no I need you's
just air. the air i breath
and maybe right now
thats what I need

Sometimes, I want to ask you about how you feel about me.  
I want to ask you if you love me but, I just don't have the guts to ask you.
Maybe you're too busy to answer.
Maybe you're not in the mood to answer.
I'm just scared to mess things up.
For I messed up several times,
And I thought you'd love me less,
Or leave me.
But I'm glad you didnt.
I'm glad you didn't give up.
But I know,
The time will come when you can no longer put up with the mess I make.
One day, you'd probably ask yourself, "is she worth it?"
And maybe, you'd just ignore me.
Maybe, find someone who's worth it.
And maybe, you'd finally be with someone who asks less.
And maybe I'd end up with nothing
But, all the mess I made.
But guess what?
And I would still find joy with that.
Because whenever I see these mess,
I know,
I tried.
I loved.

i like my body when it is with your
body. It is so quite new a thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
i like your body.  i like what it does,
i like its hows.  i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones,and the trembling
-firm-smooth ness and which i will
again and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
i like, slowly stroking the,shocking fuzz
of your electric furr,and what-is-it comes
over parting flesh….And eyes big love-crumbs,

and possibly i like the thrill

of under me you so quite new

Morning. Freshly breathing, wet lungs.
I catch a glimpse of you through frosted windows
Shoulders, hair, in profile. Wearing white.
Those hours - just before sunrise, half awake, lucid in the grey;
in those dreams you shy away from my touch,
and stare at me with tawny eyes.
I wish I knew what you were thinking
I wish I could stop checking you're still there.

I linger in our fragility. Knitted cotton hearts.
You're fresh blood in me, you glitter under my skin
Breaking apart in my eyesight  -
Yet I knit poetry out of your lingering fingertips.

As I sit here,
rooted to the ground
like the trees that surround,
day fades to night
and the sky sheds its color.
I gaze longingly as lovers pass
on the dimly lit
moonlight path,
charged on the energy
they generate together.

As I sit here
waiting for you,
I wonder if we will
ever be like that.
I wonder if you will ever feel
the current I feel
when you're around.
Your smile alone,
sends a spark through me
strong enough to knock me down.
I struggle to stay grounded
next to you.

As I sit here
I wonder when
it will be our turn
to love the fire inside.
To let it out
and show the world
how we burn for each other.

Until then
I will stay rooted here
waiting...
for you to unearth
the love
we've both been
waiting for..

you know sweetie, I'd love to forgive you
I'd love to believe that
your intentions were the best
however I can't seem
to get this particular dream
out of my head
see, what I dream is
you saying "sorry, you were right"
"I didn't mean any of it"
"not even that one night"
I want to be validated
in my grief, I suppose
I want a reason behind
why this hurts so bad
after so long
because frankly you don't deserve this from me
you don't deserve anything from me
you made promises that you didn't even try to keep
you spat lies into my face
and apologized for things
that you planned on doing
the very next day
so don't you dare tell me
you're "sorry"

now I don't want an apology
instead I want nothing but guilt
and shame
for you
because just for once in your life
I want you to take responsibility
for the mistakes you made
and the choices you made
and the times that you actively decided
to douse my wounds with salt
I want you to feel the burning
that's been in my blood for the past ten months
if I have to burn,
well, baby,
you're gonna burn too

Sharp words shouldn't be spoken
Nobody's perfect
When everything comes out broken
Choking on every syllable
Soaking up every last "I'm sorry"
like a sponge that's full already
Steady, aim, fire another round across his bow
Give her another volley of misunderstanding champ,
because your fowling out over fences topped with razor wire

Sometimes a simple smile seems better
Than a string of wrong words that leave your mouth bitter
Sometimes still tongues touch more hearts
and wagging ones turn burnt ears into quitters
Sometimes stepping out's better

Why stick around and frown?
Why let it all bring you down?
Needle and thread your squack box
Turn keys on locks
And give it up, will ya?!
Try it again tomorrow
There'd be a whole lot less sorrow....

The moment was brief
But I saw through your cracks
And saw your missing pieces

Behind that mask of yours
Behind that smile you love to wear
Is a child drowning int its own tears
A soul in need of fixing

There's no need to hide your broken pieces
I want to put you back together
I can help you

The ecstasy of our embrace
Can be the glue that holds you together,
The soil that can make your grow
I can be your nurse
The artist that decorates your soul
With the beauty embedded in your broken self

With your shattered pieces
We can make something beautiful

that one unfinished bird metaphor
     Wear me like a birdskull necklace.
     Grind my hollow bones into sugar for your coffee.
     Pluck my feathers plume by plume to make pens for your washed-out poetry.


math note lines
     1. I SWALLOWED EVERY PIECE OF GLASS THAT REMAINED FROM YOUR SHATTERED REFLECTION. *******.
     2. WEDGE RAZOR BLADES BETWEEN YOUR TEETH AND SINK THEM INTO ME. TAKE EVERY LAST BREATH FROM ME. COLLAPSE MY LUNGS AND RIP OUT MY TONGUE. LEAVE ME WHERE YOU FOUND ME, VOMITING INTO THE KITCHEN SINK LIKE IT’S NOTHING, SHOULDERS HEAVING. I’VE BEEN PUTTING OFF THIS 3RD PARTY SUICIDE BUT IT ALL COMES CRASHING DOWN TONIGHT. KISS MY HEART GOODBYE.
     3. BREAK YOUR JAW BITING BULLETS LIKE YOU’RE TRIGGER HAPPY. I NEVER ASKED FOR ANY OF THIS BUT HERE WE ARE, STANDING ON THE CLIFF WITH NO COMMON GROUND BETWEEN US. IS THAT WHY YOU JUMPED SHIP? YOU COULDN’T HANDLE IT? I WASN’T BULLETPROOF ENOUGH FOR YOU, AND YOU WERE JUST TOO MUCH.

blinker
     my mom uses her turn signal like an afterthought
     it’s pointless at that point but that’s conditioning
     and her train of thought has always been linear


ugh
     when i was 15 i asked my mom to start taking me to therapy
     she said baby why pay a stranger when you can just talk to me about anything
     and i smiled like i wasn’t dying inside and started writing poetry.
     funerals cost less than student loans
     at this rate when i graduate i won’t be able to afford myself a home
     the american dream has been dead for a century
     a degree is worthless and it’s not likely i’ll make much of a salary
     have you even imagined yourself outside of high school yet?
     i’ve never thought about my life past my graduation date

thinking about someone
     sing serenades through silent car radios like static
     through sleepy stormcloud eyes that could swallow you whole
     he’s got a smile with more stars than yours ever did
     wishbone collarbones and long eyelashes
     stringing together dreams in constellations
     piecing together fractured calculus equations

i’ve been reading pete wentz’s old livejournal posts again*
     you’re apocalyptic chemistry, a candycane of all the things i never was and never could be to keep you stable. i’m a broken spine and you’re fading. love is hard to quantify so i’ll just keep counting and catching fireflies.