I was one too.
Taking pleasure in pains of the
Past; addicted nearly, to the
Pity and attention
Of others.

Now I keep it locked away.
Private pearls of an adventure life,
Wounds long healed;
Faded scars. My smiles now deserved.
I wish the same contentment

To all those others, the
Happy unhappy. Who can only
Recognize themselves
In broken
Mirrors.

I'm not bitter no I'm not I'm mad as hell.
Mad for all those tears you caused. Mad for all the times I couldn't be happy because of you.
Mad of all the times I had fear because of you.
Mad for all those times I couldn't be free because of you .
Mad for all those times I had to sacrifice happiness by force.

You know everytime I see you I feel rage running rampage through out my veins.
I remember my hands hitting against the wall my nails gripping the sheets my breath closing my eyes closing with tears my teeth biting my lip my throat burning .
After that I would feel ***** I would wash five times a day but still feel ***** cause what you caused didn't only destroy me physicaly it destroyed me inside and no mater what I do with the outside the inside can not be washed with soap  its broken and it can't be fixed up that easily no mater how many surgeries you take.

Every morning I wake up looking at you and asking myself how you sleep at night knowing you destroyed a little girl .
Knowing you killed something that was in a girl so beautiful and turned it something ugly.

You ruined me destroyed me and left me there know I'm left on my on to fix up the mess.

But no I'm not bitter I'm Mad as hEll...

Smiling politely in the local store,
another happy shopper that most would ignore,
but what torrid secrets lay under her grin
the tainted stigma of that hidden sin,

she wraps up her fears with the things that she’s bought,
packed into bags without a thought,
the knots in her stomach drive her insane,
for she knows that tonight there’ll  be anguish and pain,

She drinks her coffee and stares at the clock,
It’s ticking hands seem to laugh and mock,
her doleful eyes are starting to mist,
as she thinks of the bruises made by his fist,

Violently  thrown onto a bed,
pinned down and stifled as if she was dead,
pretends not to feel the hatred and pain,
as her virtue is stolen again and again,

She’s sick of the broken promises and lies,
prays to a God who never replies ,
Its all tucked away where no one can see,
longing for the day that her soul will be free.

The ink crawled down my throat,
Mixing with the blood,
Without a boat.
They sneered at the dare,
Cruel friends,
Open-mouthed stare.
A fire kindled deep within,
They still laughed,
My eyes watered,feelling a sting.
Foam at my mouth,
Stupid urge to pout.
Distracting the feeling of fall,
Shouts all around.
Abhorrent playground.
No one continued to notice the frail,pale boy on the ground.
Ardor of death,
Feeling of dread,
Tasting someone's cold breath,
My soul,wispy,fragile threads.
Suddenly my eyes closed,
Devoid of feeling,
My end fate chosed.
                                   -**Firefly

You know nothing about me
All those years between us
Wasted time in memory

You know nothing about
Because you cared a flying rats ***
Your needs were always priority

You know nothing about me
Cause it was always about you
And how things never were your way
You'd fight and say.

You know nothing about me
Because I hid my dreams my deepest desire
Fearing you'll breathe fire

You know nothing about me
Cause in your eyes I was stupid
And you were stuck in this relationship.

So now I'll untie me and set you free
Your free to go your way
At least there'll be harmony

I am now free to follow my heart
Revel in my inner fire
Chase my dreams and desires
My gifts I sacrificed at your selfish altar
I've taken my life back from your grip
How I wish I could reclaim my heart too.

If I close my eyes, you're there behind my lids.
If I take a deep breath, you're in my lungs.
If I smell a familiar smell you're in my sense and memory.
If I watch closely, I expect to see you by my side.
If I look at where you walked, I remember the joy.
If I bury my head in the soft silky fur of my other fur babies,
with my eyes squeezed shut and run my hands over their bodies,
I feel you, smell you, and imagine for a fleeting second that it is you.
But, it's not you baby girl.
And whilst my love for my two fur babies here is strong,
I miss the gentle soul that was you.
You alone could make me laugh, cry and taught me pure love.

She drew an s  shape on my foot with a stick
I lay there, paralysed with fear,
thinking was this the subtle beginning
of a programme of torture.
Her white coat and stethoscope
glinting in the strip lighting.

She asked me if I knew where i was.
I lay there, frozen with fear,
not able to open my mouth.
I could read letters on her name badge
I read it as Dr Helliday
So that's where i was
I thought, that confirms it
along with her snake charming smile.

She tried to get me to drink
But I lay there stiff with fear,
not wanting to open my mouth
in case it was poison.
She placed a wet sponge on my lips
my eyes widening in terror.

Can you see how many fingers I'm holding up?
She said gently
I lay there tensed up with fear.
I thought it must be a trap
I couldn't open my mouth
and fall in.

I was seeing things around me
that pinned me to the bed with fear.
Patients pouring blood out of windows.
shadows of nurses in nooses.
I screamed inwardly.
But could not open my mouth
for fear had clamped it shut

My core, my essence is bruised
My happy smile is a ruse
So many have fallen for my light
It's time to return to my core
My Centre though bruised is dark
I see no brightness in this world
This world is pain.
Why feign happiness when sadness is stronger?
We enter the world screaming and kicking
We leave whimpering and docile
Agreeable to our fate, our time is up.
Happiness is a construct to convince you that life,
is worth having.
Pain is the truth, darkness is the enveloping comfort,
sleep is the "petit mort" that we succumb to each night.

it's annoying
how i think about you with every ****** thing
i can tell that i'm just a nothing
my wrists get lonely
i start to shake, and jeez, i wish it was from excitement
the moon and i could stare at eachother and pretend you missed me
but
seriously.. my wrists can get really lonely

H.P. Lovecraft's most famous quotes about the horror genre is that: "The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown."

And I will show you something different from either
Your shadow at morning striding behind you
Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you;
I will show you fear in a handful of dust.
The Waste Land, T.S.Eliot I. The Burial of the Dead


As a child I was never fearful.
Not of the dark, spiders or ghosts.
In fact I was wilful.
Hard hearted, cold.
I liked that about me, it was a barrier to the outside world.
I was the loner, the malcontent, the strange spooky one.
I loved it more as a teen, embraced the Gothic, elevated the bizarre.
I smoked, it was cool, I drank, it was cool, I was nihilistic, it was cool.
Popular meant conforming, how that repulsed me.
Why? Because conformity meant no individuality, no soul.
My Grandmother said once "be careful what you read, it becomes you"
Yeah right, look I'm Pennywise the clown!
But she was right in a way.
I became repulsed by myself.
I had no compassion.
No true love to call my own.
I was alone with my fear, my fear of loneliness. Irony.
I had no true identity, I hid in horror, then became horrified.
I didn't know what was coming, where I was going, who I was.
I was afraid. Truly afraid for the first time.
Afraid of my shadow, of not knowing, of returning to the grave.
Fear is a loathsome creature, devouring love and hope.
Yet, know this, we are born to die, the clock runs down, no appeals.
So fill up on love, fill up on warmth, for Hell maybe hot, but alone,
it's cold*.