I'm over here.

                                                       Over where?
Can't you see me?


                                                      I can't see.
Can't you feel me?

                                                     I feel nothing.
I am God.





                                            I am my own God.






                                      ...and I don't need you.

He sees with one eye
A single, solitary vision
Of an evil person
His black and white picture
Cannot be any clearer.

I crawl into bed, naked,
Leaving no excuse to leave.
My body melts into the sheets,
Every limb relaxing,
Every part of me letting go,
Except for my mind.
It races and demands my attention,
Like a child incessantly tugging at my sleeve.
I turn over and pull the blanket up.
Warmth envelopes my fears,
Engulfes my cares.
Still, my stubborn brain carries on.
I fight back with vivid fantasies of closing my heavy eyes.
A fight that I win, at least for tonight.
Goodnight body, goodnight mind.
Tomorrow is another day.

Your ordinary day is very different from mine
It is the kind of day that breaks into song
That smoothly blends from one scene to the next
With little complication or care to details
It is a day I could only dream of.
Though I rarely dream with this disease
This illness running through every vein
Turning my smiles into forced grins
The light in my eyes dulling
My hair and skin is tainted, touched by this sickness.
I wake up every morning, toxins flowing through me.
I wonder what it is like to have an ordinary day.

She wants to be noticed
Just wants to be loved
She knows that she's pretty
But it's not enough
She says she misses her mommy
She says life is too tough
And she likes to cause harm
To fill herself up.

Sensitive, soft,
Sweet, kind, giving,
Adorable, petite,
Young, naive, innocent.
That's what you see.
Your eyes create many illusions.

There's a saying that we are our own worst enemies.
The more I learn about myself, I have to agree.
It is not my friends nor my family
That will end up being the death of me.
Words in my head, words so mean,
Words that drive me to cry and scream.
Sometimes I can't believe this is happening;
Sometimes it all just feels like a bad dream.
The more you live in your own head, the more you hide,
The more you suffer and the less you confide
In the people who could help you understand why
You shouldn't believe in these horrible lies.

I see you down there, working so hard
I see with my eyes that watch
Everything.
I know where you would rather be.
You'd like to be in your bed dreaming,
Peacefully, painlessly.
You can't be though; that's where I am.
There's only room for one.
Rest assured though, I'll be dreaming of you all the while.

It's 2 AM, and this is the time
That I have to accept
Beautiful people
They die sometimes
For no good reason
Other than a poor, sad excuse
That no one could help them.

When a chill goes up and down my spine
When I finally realize that you're mine
I should be grateful, happy, should feel fine
But I find myself walking such a fine line.

You can't shut me up, you can't get rid of me.
I will always be here, no matter what you do.
You can love or hate me, but I'll still be part of you.
You can try to drown me in alcohol or blood,
But I'll stay in my place, welcoming the flood.

Passing by,
I can feel your eyes,
As I put on a blank face -
It is my disguise.
I do not want you to see
What you do to me,
Feeling my heart skip yet another beat.
Tall, handsome, and mysterious.
Yes, those are the perfect ingredients.
That is all it takes; I am drawn to you.
I am hooked on your mystery,
Stuck like glue.

I have something I love to do
Something that gets me up
Every morning
That I love, that I care for

It brings me life, reminds me why
I smile even when it's hard.

Please, just,
Stop the clock.
Stop everything.
I would do anything
To freeze this moment
And figure out
How I want to spend my future.

She fools herself
Every day
She won't be happy
Unless she gets her way
And if she doesn't
There's a high price to pay
Regardless of your feelings,
That price won't be waived.

Peace is a distant friend
That rarely calls
Never drops by for a coffee
Or a casual conversation.
Has Peace moved on,
Found a better friend?
While I sit here, bitter,
Affected,
Restless,
Unsure.
Peace, what can I do to bring you back?

Closing my eyes
Trying to envision some kind of prize
A gold medal at the end of the day
Could it wash my apathy away?

Trust me, I am the perfect assassin.
I've been trained perfectly, to seek out my enemies,
Anyone who appears weaker than me.
I can sense that lack of strength from a mile away.
I can take them all down in less than a day.
I know what kind of words will make them cringe;
I know how to fight, I know how to win.

Fixated, restricted,
My eyes cannot move.
They cannot blink;
The pupils dilate.
My neck is rolling backwards
While my mouth opens, simply gaping,
At the ceiling.

You have no idea what it's like
Seeing life as a power struggle
The imaginary scoreboard in your mind
Created not by your choice
Yet so engrained that it becomes a reality
Comparing yourself to everyone and everything
Making sure you always have the upperhand
It's sickening.

Pray.
Wash all the pain away.
A brand new, fresh day
Is calling your name.

With nothing much else to do,
We would grab a couple of purple prickly pear margaritas
And I remember how delicious they were
And how the bartender didn't hold back
Yes, they were strong.

And I would giggle, I would act ditzy.
Just because it was fun, and it got your attention.
You would roll your eyes at me sometimes
But not really in a mean way.

And we would grab some coney dogs, devour them like they were nothing.
Then we would fight about something.

We would drive all the way to the city
Stroll through the casinos aimlessly,
Because we were financially irresponsible,
But not that financially irresponsible.
Afterwards, you would buy me a delicious ice cream.

Then you would tell me all the places you wanted to take me, and all the events you wanted me to experience.

We really did give it our all.

But life is cruel, and our best wasn't good enough.

And after he finishes,
The adrenaline stops.
I am left all alone,
All alone with my thoughts.

The memories come flooding back,
And suddenly I am young again.
Suddenly it's so hard to pretend
That I am okay.

At that moment I am just a girl,
Defenseless, confused, and seeking refuge
In my own little world.

He may think that he loves you
He has made a mistake
Cause the kind of love he gives to you
Is only a kind of hate.
A complete sense of control -
That seems to be his goal.
He tells you who you can talk to,
Where you can go,
And what you should wear.
No, never does he dare
To show you that he cares.

It's funny how I feel for you
Like when you make the sky turn a perfect blue
Like when you make it all seem so brand new
All these beautiful things you do.

I am not in love with you like a boy loves a girl
And you are not the center of my world
Yet you are such an important puzzle piece,
Such an essential part of me.

Just like all of us,
I was poisoned with premature development
Of the mind, of the body.
Go ahead, blame technology.
It's only part of the problem at the end of the day,
Really just about as harmful as electromagnetic waves.
You can't see them when your sight has been limited,
When the programming for your mind is forever set to primitive.
It's sad that all of us have to pay the price
For the richest of the rich
And their greedy vice.

Weak, vulnerable.
Ugly, undesirable.
Lazy, unmotivated.
These swirling thoughts of hatred.
Gripping me tightly, along with these memories,
Getting the best of me,
Showing no sympathy.
I hold my head in my hands, desperately,
Begging for the chaos to come to an end.
You try to help; you try to step in.
It's of no use; these voices will win.
There's one of you and hundreds of them.
Still you insist on protecting; you want to defend.
It is like a tornado in my mind.
If you think you can change that,
You must be blind.

I reach out to nothing,
Expecting something,
Something deep and beautiful,
Complex, hard to follow.

I reach out to nothing,
With a broken hand, weakened heart, and shattered soul,
Picking up the pieces as I go.

I reach out to nothing,
While it never reaches back.
Yet I keep on reaching.
I am hopeless like that.

I thought I really didn't matter to you; I thought you didn't care.
A chance to prove me wrong is what I simply couldn't spare.
So wrapped up in my delusions and depression, blind to any kind of progression.
I didn't see you grow, I wouldn't let you show.
You could have been there, if I had dared
To reach out for help, to admit that I was scared.

She's a little weird,
Counting all her fears
Before she steps outside
Into the light
For everyone to see
And quickly scrutinize.

This whole time
You were going through the same thing as I...
And god ******, why didn't I even try?
I could have done so much more, and it makes me cry.
Now I'm left asking myself, why, why, why?
Well, now I've seen the other side -
What happens when you follow your petty pride.

This gap between us makes no sense;
I want to tear apart my stupid shield of defense.
I want to put all of these foolish fears to rest.
I want to say, "**** the past, **** regrets."
I want to be part of people's world again, to re-connect.

All I want is the pain,
To feel a little less insane,
To see my emotions rain,
Raining red, raining bright,
It's raining all over me tonight.

It's funny how sometimes you can't see something
Until it's right in front of you.
Then suddenly what you believed, what you always knew,
It all turns out to be true.
It is one of the best feelings,
Knowing your faith was not in vain.
I'm just standing here, looking out at the rain,
Thinking of how much you've relieved my pain.

Outside of work I am restless
At work it is the same way
What do I want?
What do I expect?
And what kind of change
Will put me to rest?

Rich
*****
Diamonds drip
Drip drip blood
Soaks the soles of your feet
Soul empty, silent defeat
Gold gleaming
As the shining star that you are.

Some days I wish I could just disappear
I close my eyes and imagine running far away from here
I am so lost, and I need you near
But when I wake from my delusion, you're no longer there

Sacrifice isn't always an act of nobility
It can be a way of living
For some people
Who have been conditioned
And persuaded
To believe that the love from others
Comes with the loss of yourself.

Sometimes a sickly smile spreads
Right across my face
When I know I have provoked
Some kind of deep emotion
Within another person
And I know it's not a real smile
It's not even really me
Or at least it's not the way I ever want to be.

Cradled in his father's arms, he cried.
He blocked out the nurses, the other patients, even me
So that his parents were the only people he could see.
'Am I going crazy?' He asked them, choked by his own tears.
Only eighteen years old.
He was just a boy.

Somehow I lost my footing
And fell
Into a sea of envy,
Into a pool of misery.
I fell foolishly,
Deeper and deeper down
To the point where I
Didn't know,
Where I couldn't even love
Myself.

Planting subtle seeds of uncertainty,
Like a well-orchestrated symphony
At the right time, right tempo,
The manipulation is all mental.

Sometimes I'm left wondering -
Did you enslave me or did you set me free?
Your selfish actions posed as my best company.
A sense of power is what you gave to me;
In return, I granted you a sense of relief.
It was some kind of silent agreement that we reached.
It was some kind of agreement begging to be breached.
I still think of you sometimes, and I have to ask,
"What was he thinking when he did that?"
It disturbs me that most of it was just an act.
It hurts me that you didn't use more tact.

Sometimes I just want to scream
Assuring myself it's all a bad dream
Lying to myself so it won't seem
As hopeless.

I'm stuck in this gray place,
Just trying to get by everyday.
Why did I ever settle for this way
Of life?

She's half twisted, she's half pure.
She's one-hundred percent human and nothing more.
She's someone you could choose to love or abhor.
She is not concerned with your opinion anymore.
She has an innocent side at the best of times,
With a cloud of darkness trailing not far behind.
She can be cruel as much as she can be kind.
She can be stubborn but strives for an open mind.
She is far from perfect; she is far from pristine.
If you look close, you'll notice her hands are not clean.
Judge her not only by what she says but what she means.
She is much more than at first glance she may seem.

Sometimes I wish I could just hide from you,
You, who feels only the cold touch of fear,
You, who breathes in uncertainty.
You, who sees treachery, everywhere.
Cannot suspend belief, cannot find relief.
You, who is too adult to bear.
My patience for you is nowhere
To be found.

He's only as genuine as he seems.
For the only time you can catch him in a lie
Is the time that you have real proof, not intuition.
Though we all know our senses extend far beyond the short story our two eyes tell.
The question is, which sense can you trust?

So eager to please
On her knees
A pathetic display
I wish she would just go away.

She breathes underneath my skin
Cannot hide her, she screams from within
Her ugliness radiates throughout me
She lacks all morals, all dignity
Crawling on top of you, covered in poison
She burns you alive with her acidity
With her jaded touch
I cannot love her, I resent her too much.

He moves on
To bigger, better things
And I am left here
In the same small world.

Ah the snowflake
Shiver and shake
Quietly as an earthquake
As it falls on my tongue
The cold makes me numb
As the white envelopes my black,
Is there no turning back?
The snowflake is a savior
A product of our nature
It dances with my despair
It weaves hope into my hair
Yet with every passing year
The hope seems to disappear
The smiles begin to fade
The dullness won't go away
Snowflake, you have pacified me.
Falsely, I believed I was safe.
So I must say goodbye forever
Can no longer be tethered
To your touch.