She needs you because she feels,
And when she does, it's all too real.
Conveniently,
You are her fantasy.
Through you she lives vicariously -
The bitter queen of apathy.

Sparks fly in all directions.
I want so bad to keep your attention.
Yet here I am steering you in the wrong direction,
With my complete and utter lack of affection.

Sometimes I can be so cold.
Sometimes I can be so clueless.
It's frustrating, even for me,
When I can't show weakness to anybody.

Oh no, what did I say, what did I do?
I'm not even aware of how I hurt you.
It's inevitable, just another learning process
I have to go through.

Special, the way they look at you.
Special, the way they walk too.
Special, the way they smile.
And to see them you would walk a million miles
Away.

Split* into different pieces
Trying to put them together,
I fail and feel so *defeated.
A caring friend is all that I needed.
They weren't there, so here I am,
Feeling bitter and cheated.

There's the me that smiles even when it's not real
There's the me that can do anything but feel
There's the me that only wants to cause pain
There's the me that refuses to accept blame
Yet deep down, I have come to meet the true me.
She's lost and confused as can be.
She's blinded by her own suffering.
She forgot the meaning of truly living.

Can you love two people
At the same time
Or is it a violation
Of your mind?

I could say you were mistreated,
You were abused.
But no - you were just spoiled.

I could say you are depressed,
That you're different from the rest.
But no - you're just spoiled.

I could say you'll change,
That a new you can be arranged.
But no - you'll always be *spoiled.

You made me feel like I couldn't do anything
Like I was small, meaningless
Like I was ugly.
You made me feel like a little speck of dust
On an otherwise beautiful painting.
You made me feel like the my world was ending.
Holding your external success - charm and prettiness.
I sat in the shadows of the storm clouds you summoned
With the rain pounding on my bare skin
Dripping cold and wet, a naked mess.
You disposed of me quickly, efficiently,
Leaving nothing but a hollow body.

No more of this *******.
Just deal with it.
Look people in the eye;
Look at them when you speak.
When people make you angry,
Don't simply swallow it down
Like a poison that slowly kills you.
Tell them.
Tell them they ****** you off,
That they crossed a line
They shouldn't have crossed.

This time, it will be different.
No more shortcuts, no more cheating.
This time I say goodbye
To the easy road I've long adored.
This time I abandon my crutches,
Embrace my uncertainty,
And boldly venture down this new path in front of me.

I will mock your vulnerability,
Trample it mercilessly
Because it seems so fake,
And if not, it's a risk I'm willing to take.

I will leave you
In the dust,
If I have to.
Well you must
Have seen this
From a mile away
Maybe before
We even started the race.

The world may be dark and cold
But I am no stranger
Treated like an innocent,
When I am everything but.
I know how evil people can be,
Though I have seen acts of great good.
We have no way to predict
And must let go of this desire
To know and judge strangers.

I refuse to let these tears fall.
I refuse to let you get to me.
I have been strong for so long.
I have broken down, shamelessly.
I am human even when I don't want to be.
Here I stand, looking you right in the eye.
Give me your worst.
I'm at my best.

I am so tired of it,
Pushing myself to be 'normal,'
To not sound lost, or confused.
Smile!
Don't worry!
The most common, uncreative commands
Thrown at me with scarce empathy
Meanwhile, my concerns are brushed to the side,
Lazily swept away.

She'll come to you, you don't have to go to her.
She initiates the dates and puts up with the waits,
As you always seem to arrive "fashionably" late.
And say you want to get her in bed, that's a piece of cake.
She doesn't even put up a wall for you to break.
It's just so easy for you to take, take, take.
It's just too easy to not appreciate.

I should always be first priority,
Only second best to your family.
Not to some stranger you don't know,
Not to your hobbies.
I am bitter when you place me
As your afterthought, as something
That will always be available.

I remember
The blanket
The movements
The warmth mixed with cold
The movie
That we weren't watching
The way you looked at me
And the way I felt
I wish
We could go back there
Right now.

You have no idea
What you've done
The harm you've caused
The arrogance you thrive on
The darkness you create
For all those around you.

Every time I write,
It's like the world makes sense again.
Everything is a chaotic blur
Until I can find the words
To describe it all.
The story I'm writing -
Well, it's practically writing itself.
Doesn't really need my help.
And when I sit down,
My fingers typing all by themselves,
I finally feel like I know what my life is about.

I'd like you to step aside, for once.
Though you've been steady, reliable, consistent,
More so than any person in my life,
I have to ask you to leave my side.
You are the band-aid conveniently covering a deeply carved wound,
Which will never fully heal while you stick to it,
Protecting it with all your might,
Even when it needs to breathe, when it needs fresh air.
The wound is, and will always be, here...
Unless you go away and never come near.

I close my eyes;
I am so tired.
Mentally, physically,
And of course, emotionally.
I'm sitting here in this box,
Next to people that I kind of know,
That I am sort of acquainted with.
It feels so lonely, really,
But I don't tell anybody.
I just sit here, bored and empty,
Hoping one day it will change.

I'm sitting here, sick.
The poison of your words, it sticks.
I take in a breath, try to calm down.
I'm confronted with that nasty sound.
The voice that always has something cruel to say.
No matter how pointless, it is here to stay.

Drinking this cool sugar water down
Laced with some kind of poison
That is sure not to **** me
But can at least numb my every sense
Make my body a little less tense
And simplify my thoughts
Until I have none left
So when my hand reaches for the drink,
I don't even have to think.

There's a certain calmness that follows,
Like all your pain has been erased,
But it does not simply leave
Without first leaving a trace.

I do my job with a smile
A sweet, sickening smile.
You know that my 'have a good day!'
Is far from sincere
You know that I don't want to be here
Yet I come every day, anyway,
And I don't make any attempts to escape
So what does that say
About me?

So much in need
Of all those things
That make me feel whole
When really,
The truth is,
That everything outside
Only hides
How little there is
On the inside.

Everything just goes black.
A no breathing attack.
I tried for so long, imagine that.
Wherever I came from,
I'm now going back.

Clumsily, carelessly spewing out words
That now I would take back, if I could.
I idolized you, losing my value,
Standing by as your ego just grew.
Now I only have myself to blame
As you look down on me
With no intention of equality.

I am not your ragdoll.
I am a human being.
You obviously have no idea what that even means.
You abuse everyone around you,
Especially the weak.
You even hurt those that have no voice to speak.

You sicken me, and I wish I had never known you.
You were calm one moment then furious out of the blue.
I think back to all those terrible things you would do.
Twisting my arm, saying you could break it if you wanted to.

Love was just something you never knew.

As I climb,
You push me down.
You're the reason why
I can't make a sound.
You have me gagged, you have me bound.
I lose my center as you spin me 'round.
Off balance, I fall and try to get back up.
You hold me there, asking if I've had enough.
When I say yes, you just say, "Yeah, so what?"
Then you keep on torturing me;
You don't give a ****.

I dream of him
His smile, his beautiful brown eyes
His heart, purified.
No one has ever loved me this much
I die with his gentle touch.

I think the real reason, Colette,
The reason for why you haven't left yet
Well, you're afraid of taking that next step
And admitting you deserve to do your best.

I am going to say
What I want to say
And take
All the ideas in my mind
Transform them into a beautiful,
Physical form
Of some kind.

There is nothing
That you can do
To silence me.
There is nothing I can do
To keep it all inside.

It sounds crazy, I know,
But you see, it always talks to me.
Wears me down, makes me question
Everything.
Now even your love is on the table,
Analyzed to death, never able
To stand alone, pure and simple.

Poor pathetic girl
Thinks that she'll always fail
Thinks all her friends are not real
They are as good as enemies to her
The line between power and love
So perfectly blurred.
She sees evil in innocence,
Innocence in evil.
She does not know if she should hate or pity the devil.
Should she be kind or cruel to those who hurt her?
Do they have good or bad intentions - she can't decipher.
Well, she always has to be the best at whatever.
Always has to be charming, always has to be clever.
Putting herself under all of this pointless pressure.
Why can't she admit that she does need others?
Why can't she see that people do care?
Why has she been walking the path to nowhere?

Welcome to Heaven, in the form of a pill.
Now, I've heard that you need it, that you've fallen quite ill.
Don't worry, you'll take it, we know that you will.
If you don't, then we can simply keep you until
You realize you need this for your heart to be filled.
Your mentality now is to either **** or be killed.
We don't know who taught you this, but it gives me a chill.
Reconstructing your brain, well, that gives us a thrill.

Crack a smile for me, won't you?
It's really no big deal, just forget about how you feel.
You can make it through the day,
If you wave your emotions away.
Take your heart from the driver's seat
And replace it with your brain.
Let logic and reason save you from your pain.
Let cold apathy just seep into your veins.
Feel the stress and the tension starting to drain.
It's so much easier when you do it this way.
So, why do you refuse to do it every day?

Trained to mistrust
To question
To smell out a lie
From miles away.

Trained to guard her
The inner child
She has no defenses
She opens herself up

And I close her
Bury her
Shelter her
Underneath these layers
Of doubt and deception.

My head goes numb,
My thoughts die young.
I can no longer remember where I came from.
This is the transformation...
It is so sudden.
I am no longer me; I am another personality.
My actions and words, performed differently.
Lost in a trance, in the zone I am free,
Having released all my responsibilities.

Here is the line;
Be careful, it is fine.
You better not try me;
I'm an expert at feeling angry.
Watch where you step,
Or crack an eggshell with regret.
It's all just a stupid test.
Even I haven't figured it out yet.

Oh the ungrateful...
The lack of perspective,
Commitment to complaining,
Lack of compassion,
Allergic to compromise,
Unaware of their fortune,
Shining in a self-crafted crown.

Can someone please
Please take me out of this place
Where I feel everything and nothing
All at once
Never did I ask to be this way
Yet I am shunned and chastised every day
Can anyone make this pain go away
Can anyone give me a reason to stay?

I'm hearing it again -
The voice.
I don't want to, though;
It isn't by choice.

Is it just a white pill
That stands in the way of insanity,
That repels these crazy parts of me?

Is it just a white pill
That calls the shots,
That can be responsible when I am not?

Is it just a white pill
That can save my relationships,
Make people hate me a little less?

It is just the white pill, isn't it?
So who I am?
I always forget.

When we envy others,
We cheat ourselves of their beauty.
Maybe they are a good writer, or a talented singer.
It is easy to get caught up in what we don't have.
It is a challenge to accept that everyone plays their own part,
That they have their own unique bit to contribute,
Just like you do too.

Please stop looking at the world with a black and white filter,
Painting it like a biased picture.
Your mind wants to think simple; it does not want to think deep.
I think you're afraid of taking that leap.
Don't tell me what to believe, at the very least.
Everyone has their own soul, so unique.
We can all think for ourselves, we don't need to keep
A guidebook around like a flock of sheep.

I don't belong here
In this...place.
Somehow I convinced myself
That I did.
Somehow I told myself
I couldn't do any better.
Somehow I lied to myself,
And now I don't know if I can trust myself again.

Your thoughts are real
But if you feed them,
They become even more real.
They can decide how you feel
If you give them permission.

The monster lives inside you -
the beast of jealousy, self-doubt, anger turned toward your own skin.
A flash of disdain disarms you -
the pain of being doubted and disliked.
Charm and niceties distract you -
the temporary soothe of a kind gesture and word.
All the while the clock ticks.
Tick, tick, tick.
There is only so much time to dwell on the monster, disdain, and charm.
There is time left to live and love.
How will you spend your time?