Time stands still
and nothing changes
I don’t know how to survive

Time stands still
and nothing changes
I take my life

If only there was
something perfect
I could exist
And if you were real
and I didn’t miss you
it would be different

In a dream
we fixed this
distance between us
I wake up
and everything changes
for the worst

He liked to watch
a woman struggle
I can’t change that
I’m no one’s savior
You’re not helpless
I am only here
to lift you up
so you can leave

Do you feel empowered yet?

And I would much rather
tear you down
so you will stay
But that’s not my agency
I am sorry for everything
I’m still not well
Where did you go?

It’s the buzz to the brain
and the lack of restraint
and all this pain
I carry with me

It’s the way it catches fire
and makes me a liar
so I have reason
to hate myself

It’s the way people
say my name
without any understanding
of what it means

It’s the reflex,
I guess,
that causes all this
pain seeking
muscle memory

Darkness
shines light
Don’t make it
too bright
No one needs
to see it

The quiet
is loud
Can’t make it
out
No one ever
listens

Darkness
abounds
Don’t make
a sound
It is too bright
I see too much

Wake up in an unfamiliar cold bed
Warm blanket, back exposed
Not sure how you got there-
but you did it to yourself

Fighting tubes- back to sleep
You only wanted to apologize
They will never understand
And again- you never want to wake up

Rushed back into full consciousness
No compress for your bruised arms
Honesty becomes your worst enemy
when all you want is to go home

Neighboring, neglected withdrawal cries
A midnight delusional in your room
Halls filled with the souls of strangers
You never asked to be woken up

Rough socks, ammonia scented floor
Bolted windows- no escape
All you want is to go home-
but you did it to yourself

She said “you’re smoking”
I said “you are, too”
She asked me to put it out-
something I could never do

She said “it is snowing”
I said “it is glowing- I am afraid”
She told me to make an angel
before it’s too late

Self soothing
turned into
holding my own
hand
It is comforting.

Staying awake
to watch you sleep
It makes me tired
I always want to
attribute my pain
to something
but everything
is fine

I hold my own hand
It comforts me
when everything
goes wrong

Falling asleep
before you
I miss everything
and it is all my fault

Everything is fine
Don’t comfort me
I am in so much pain
There is no relief

Everything is wrong
How do you complain?
I am only reaching out
for your hand

Why must you tear it
from my hands-
they have borne
so much for you

Do we all go to the same place?

Foiling all our plans-
does it mean
that much to you?

Do we all go to the same place?

There is no sunlight
in hell-
that much I know
is true

And if we all go to the same place
I will not go with you