It is funny how things,
such as this,
are brought up
at the worst
possible moment.
I find it funny
yet it is nothing
to laugh about.

The way I hurt myself
more
when I am already hurting.
The way I always feel like
I need to settle the score.

I have loved everyone
who has ever hurt me.
You know how they say
it is always someone
you know.

Perhaps I never felt
anything about it
because I brought it on
myself.
I have self-inflicted wounds
from every man
I’ve slept beside.

Not you, my purest
love;
you are who I dreamed
about
as I was drowning in the mud
of my own mistakes.

Maybe I never talked about it
because mean mommy
liked him
and it would’ve been
an embarrassment
for everyone to see it
just the same as me.

And maybe I never
thought about it
out of fear
that it might
actually hurt me-
but that was always the point.

There was never a reason.

Will I be the last leaf
hanging on to fall?
You are the fire
that keeps me burning
through winter.

Will I be the last leaf
hanging on to fall?
You are the fire
that keeps me burning
through winter
Like burning ash.

Will I be the last leaf
hanging on to fall?
You are the fire
that keeps me burning
through winter
Like burning ash
It is too much.

Will I be the last leaf
hanging on to fall?
You are the fire
that keeps me burning
through winter
Like burning ash
It is too much.
And I am sorry.

Will I be the last leaf?
You are the fire
burning ash
and it is too much
and I am sorry.

Will I be the last leaf
hanging on to fall?

The here and now
A place in time
The world feels so soft
and open

Fulfilling my wish
A three part kiss
where time stands still
and I seize the moment

On the brink of lust
With each healing touch
And suddenly the world
appears less broken

The here and now
A place in time
Our soft worlds collided
and wide open

I have an awful habit
of always going
where I am needed
and never having
my needs met
until someone
realizes it
and relieves it
A gust of wind
pierces through
my soul
Buttons torn off
and floating
Blouse torn
down the middle
as I walk
into mourning
I own a body
I don’t believe in
If only it could
match my soul’s
experience
I try to age it
by smoking heavily
and then burning
all the evidence
Such lies
always lead to
happiness
and never
severance
I wear my heart
on the outside
like an infant
held in reverence  
simply for surviving

I do it because
it feels good
but I don’t
want to
I use words
to get away
with the ******
of myself
Sometimes
suicide is
the only
answer
In my mind
it will never
end because
it never began
I can’t lie
because
I believe all the
******* I say
If only you
were lucky enough-
I would really
go away
We can hate
anyone who
treats us poorly
but not ourselves
We can ****
ourselves slowly
with alcohol
but not ******
I watch a fight
on a screen
and there’s people
in the audience
The closest man
to the fight
only stops them
sometimes
How does
someone win
with blood
on their hands?
Why even
teach our
children
not to fight?
Why even teach our children not to fight?

Fear.
Immobilized.
You cannot hear
her crying eyes.
Run.
She flies away
like butterflies,
only lives
for a little time,
no one pays
her any mind.
Pain.
Shivering.
No longer in the dark,
yet she cannot see,
cannot feel
anything.
Escape.
She hides away
like when bears hibernate,
cannot let you in
until it’s too late
to be forgiven.
Assimilating.
Incrimination.
You cannot see
the invalidation in her eyes.
Fight.
She runs from you,
like a deer in the headlights,
soon dies
because you could not see her in time,
did not pay her
any mind.
Growth.
Love.
You cannot leave
her alone.

she kept texting me links
links
links
to posts on her
law of attraction blog

Find Your Soulmate In Six
Easy Steps

Meditations For Prosperity

Meditations For Prosperity
Enhanced Edition

14 Visualization Techniques That Will
Manifest The Perfect Life

How To Show Gratitude To The Universe
In Order To Get More Of What You Want

Find Your Dream Job Using This
3 Step Meditation Formula
Works 100%

Grab God’s Hand And Let It Pull
You Out Of Debt. Here’s How

How To Listen To The Correct
Inner Voice And Let It Guide You

How To Befriend And Make Love To
Your Higher Self. A Step By Step Guide

“Leave me a like. Comment too.
Thanks.”

“I need an account to do that,” I said.
“I don’t have an account.”

“Well, make one.”

“I need an e-mail address to make
an account.”

“Are you telling me you don’t have
an e-mail address?”

“I forgot the password.”

“Oh, why do you have to be like that?
You wouldn’t move a finger
to help anyone. Ever! How can you
live like that? You’re… uh, horrible!”

“Okay, listen. Here’s what I’ll do. I’ll make
an e-mail address and give you the password
so you can make an account for me
and leave likes and comments on every
post. How about that?”

She didn’t answer.

And didn’t text me for a while

A few months later she sent me an
invitation to her wedding.

I didn’t go.

After she got married she stopped
posting on her blog
Her husband was ten years older than her
and they moved to the UK

A few months later a common friend mentioned
she was having a baby
and showed me pictures of it
on the various social media sites that
portrayed life at its absolute perfection

The account was full of pictures of
quotes from self-help books

‘It’s never too late to be what you
might have been.’

‘Dream positive or wake up!’

‘Shoot for the moon! Even if you miss
you’ll still land among the stars.’

‘When things aren’t going well in your life
scream to yourself STOP! and think
of all the ways things can go right from
then on.’

‘Remember that what you think
and feel now creates your future!’

‘Doing it badly is infinity times
better than not doing it.’

‘HOPE is the best medicine.’

‘Always ask yourself, what would the best
version of myself do?’

‘Actions first, feelings later. Act on your values.’

And on and on.

And a few months later she divorced and left
the UK
Her girlfriends said the husband was
abusive
The girls who weren’t so close to her
said that she cheated on him

the truth was probably somewhere
in the middle

Now she was living on child support
and returned to writing her
blog
Only this time the posts weren’t so much
about the law of attraction and more
about her life and what she’d been through
and what d’ you know,
they were actually good
they were worth reading.

It worked!

the law of attraction worked

Her blog was finally popular
it was getting likes
and comments and followers

I read the latest post titled
“When you’re going through hell, keep going”
and it was good
there was some real feeling behind
each paragraph
each word

She made it

and now I sit back and wait for the post
titled
“Nothing comes without a price”
or something like that.