...my seventeenth drink in two hours
when my head went from resting peacefully in your lap
to hung over the toilet seat I somehow managed to get to in time
vomiting self-hatred and cheap *****
that I realized I should have eaten something that day.

...you asked about the sixty-two marks on my arm
that I purposely (drunkenly) left in plain sight,
unconsciously hoping someone would ask if I was okay,
that I realized you would be anything to me
but nothing hits harder than the fact that
despite "your understanding of how I'm feeling"
I still wanted to die of 200% alcohol in my bloodstream.

...we were lying on the cold, hardwood floor
with your arm under my head and your lips pressed to my neck
(although I'm not sure if that actually happened)
that I realized I could be happy even at my lowest.

...we woke up the next morning,
next to each other but not touching,
that I realized the night before was a one time thing
and even though you saw me at my worst,
all you really know is my first name
and that I have hundreds of scars on my left inner arm and both my hips,

but you didn't say a word to me all morning.

empty black purse
old love notes
all wrinkled
now molding
damp and limp

boat trips and fancy dinners
airplanes and hangers
ocean views and hotels
princess treatment

promises made
one plastic ring
fit
if taped

texted pictures
a portrait
a yacht
videos shared

two months
later invisible
me and my quite room
and an empty refrigerator

let go

empty black purse
wild goose chase
just a distraction
a fantasy

let go

Those endorphic nights,
wrapped like snakes,
Shared blood in one soul,
we made our promise, carved it in stone,
now it just cuts me down to the bone.

Played our end game, created the path,
‘mongst the spirits, grasping rain,
midnight tears so cold and alone,
It will always cut me down to the bone.


© H V Swan

When you close your eyes
At the moment’s peak
Do you hear life’s lies
Whenever you try to speak
That demise you held on
That guilt you deny but prolong
You try to get out
But this weir will only make you drown

You try to shout
But nobody listen
The darkness subdues
You’re numb but not frozen

You let it in
The agony that you breathe
You mold it all in
Yearning for that rapture
Is that all you desire?
For that temporary bliss?

Not realizing you've fallen deep
*Into the unending abyss