You are hell-bent,
nostalgic of the stitch in my stomach
and the simple repetition of my words.
A different season,
the same fears,
unknown intentions.
A lovers kiss feels like your drunken mistakes.
Fight-or-flight
perfectly masked underneath sarcasm and closed eyes.

betrayal is a dance
discouraged,
yet you still take my hand
to a melody misunderstood,
the rhythm becomes lost
within the loneliest liar
lying safe tonight

hate
love
****
save
suffer
heal
empathy
resent
torn apart,
the reality
of everything I had in my heart.

when I am far away
looking to outer space
the nicotine inside your pocket goes to waste
an aesthetic is all that we chase
so deny yourself another memory
my dear, familiar face.

love is a breath
coveting my chest,
I know that love is like breathing-
nonetheless til death.
if love is like breathing
I don’t know what comes next.

we lived that October sunset.
shifting our mindsets
and pressing the reset,
you are the hug and kiss I'll never forget.
as free as the breeze,
a love that could cross seven seas
when you’re with me
it will flow purely with ease.
crunching the leaves
and picking apples off of the trees
what our mind perceives,
is truly guaranteed.  
we walked up the road
along the yellow line,
here,
I know that everything will be just fine.
this story-line is no crime,
it’ll be clear in a dime.
but for now,
I love you,
the raddest dad of all time.

every guilt trip you’ve hung above my head is what keeps me slouching.
the words pile out of your mouth
my heart won’t slow down,
I'm melting into my bedroom floor,
but adrenaline makes me want to turn around.
your hands grace the railing
as the screen door hinges shut
long gone,
forever wishing that pit in my stomach would have been enough.

staying awake
to talk to him
is a distraction
from pain,
an escape route
I need.
I stay awake
talking to him
because his voice
settles the static
that’s been keeping me restless
since I opened my eyes
this morning.
staying awake
to talk to him
feels sweet
and pure,
yet I talk quietly,
because I’m 23
and still afraid
of what my family thinks.
talking to him
is cliché, maybe.
but I felt how nervous I was
first lying beside him,
and how it started to diffuse
when he leaned into me.
staying awake
to talk to him...
please
keep staying awake
to talk to me.
people come and go.
I’ve told them to leave.
he comes with flaws,
like I do,
and I don’t care
to judge him
like others might.
because he stays up
to talk to me,
helps quiet my static,
let's me fall apart safely,
and doesn’t complain.
when I’m alone,
he stays up
to talk to me.
and when he falls asleep,
I’m not worried.
because when he wakes up,
he reminds me
he's still there.

nothing
dark
light
someplace different
which would it be?
courage
to conquer what’s inside my head
wasted youth bled into what’s up ahead
I’m probably just going to go to bed,
afraid of every thought
I wish to shed.

in your own world
repainting the walls
dying your hair
combatting the urge to make it all fall.
how I could make you see
this isn’t a limited belief
silent
your expectations of me

mistaken as civil,
but I am just still.
I am just sitting.
perfectly,
remarkably still.

imperfect
is perfect
this reflection grows worthless
you can’t stay in place
with a mirror to your face
misplaced
in an attempt to erase.

embody my heart
and call it your art
I'll show you another view
maybe a different you
one you never knew

I silence myself.
I don’t want conflict.
tiny razor-blade cuts
every time I open my eyes
or my mouth.

walking on glass
for love.
I’m doing it
to myself.

careful
not to overconsume,
because you’re watching
my moves,
monitoring for a mistake
that ends in conflict.

It’s up to me
to isolate in my room,
to decide if I eat,
to change my perspective,
to see your face,
to open my door,
to speak the wrong words
and still show up
for family so hurt
they can't care.

It’s up to me,
to change something,
myself,
if that's what causes it.
anything
but silence myself
and hurt you more.

I want to help save you,
but I save myself
from the pain
of lying in bed at night,
wondering
how a good day
went so bad
everyday.

I can stand up for you,
and I don’t
when I’m “scared.”

it all falls on you,
and that makes me feel
unredeemable.

I’m letting you down.
you tell me,
“get a voice.”
you say I hold more power,
that I need to speak up for you.
that I get treated better.

but I still feel
small.
invisible,
even when I’m the one
who “has it better.”

how do I speak up for you
when you taught me
to fear conflict too?

misunderstood themes
haunting my mind
like I’m serving a life sentence.

you say you could move away.
you’ve said it
more than once.

sometimes I think
maybe I should,
like you said.
and never talk
to anyone again.

I’m scared to leave with you,
because it could repeat.
but if that happens,
it’s up to me.

I’m sick to leave without you.
selfishness erodes this family,
disgracing what it used to be.

after all you did for me,
I can’t leave
without you.

you say you keep it real.
I agree.
thank you.
now I’m going numb
like you.

you say
I’m watching you self-destruct,
push and clear off the tables,
slam dishes,
throw food.

fifteen years have gone by,
and I’m afraid.
it got worse.
I'm not helping.

and if I’m there,
I’m worried
I won’t support you right.
that I’ll add stress
you don’t deserve.

stress you’ve carried
for years.
stress I am still
ignorant to.

you say,
"you think you feel stressed?
tell me about it."

I'll be the icing on your cake
on a bad day,
and you'll say,
"I'll make you feel
how you made me felt."

I’m codependent on you.
you’re like my parent.

and I replay
every time I disrespected you.
every word
I shouldn’t have said.
you still remind me,
because you are reminded.

you say nobody helps you.
I believe it.

I know
you want to die too.
so how
can I say
you hurt me

when I,
and everyone else,
have hurt you worse?

you say I’m the cause.
then, other times,
I’m not.

that I don’t do enough.
that I have power,
but don’t use it
right.

so please,
live my life for me.
or let me
take my own.

I need
a reason
to stay trying,
and to stop blaming you.

something more
and less pathetic
than living
for everyone else.

the sign says “beware”
and toxic air is everywhere.
nightmares want you to become more aware
so it must be fair
that you aren’t the one who gets to feel their glare.
it must be easier for you to say “take care”
than to actually be there.

can't decide.
can’t think.
can’t move.

product of conditioning,
and the illusions of a victim.
it’s mind over matter.
and I’m running,
just to escape
the accountability
of my racing heart.

there’s weight on my chest,
trickling down my esophagus,
into my lungs,
my airways,
my bloodstream.
sinking,
thumping,
leveling out
in my stomach.

I feel a wall form,
then it splits,
dividing,
pulling,
and the walls
endlessly
rip away from each other
with resistance,
like magnets
reversed.

it’s chaos.

I always think,
“this will be the last time
I can handle my heart racing like this.”

then it happens again.

a new dimension,
as warms tones welcome the cold air.
I watch the maple trees morph
simply,
they will shake off their dead weight
becoming bare
exposing their branches for a bitter winter.
firmly rooted,
safe and sound.

intentions go back and forth
I love you,
I love you nots.
this moment
alone,
we are silent.
a seat on my porch
and a chance to miss you so.
give in,
then release.
my memory labeled false,
just a kiss-
to feel a pulse
here,
in this moment,
who is going to be at fault?

you and I
in the same space and time
is just undignified
my heart denied
dug up
glorified
you shut the door
and locked me outside
a sudden way to learn
the notion of goodbye

It’s 12:50
I’m falling asleep
loving deep, a bystander
to a subtle hearts critiques.

what love- bursting at the seams,
his manic eyes
translated the tendencies.
I look to the sky
and your resentments move like tides
how we will deny, and never ask why
the capsize or joyride
of an unruly sense of pride.
your mission to suicide
or the fear I felt as you died
the clouds became my guide
as I tried to make you stay inside.
you can decide
a flame will burn and we’ll collide.

blasts and shockwaves
like electricity flashing through my chest.
my heart drops,
and I feel it
deep in the pit of me
as every error defines me.
instant
shock
stabbing
pulse
control
gone
isolated in fear.

it's my fault, but it's not about me.
no one understands,
and still, I stay awake too,
asking why I'm here.

the same questions you ask yourself.
you're the only one.
so am I.
you say I'm not.
but I don't believe it either.

some nights,
are silently spent
fantasizing a barrel pressed to my head,
making it ****** enough
to make you see,
the same way you want to.

"I'm letting you down," on repeat,
every word you gave, I'm replaying
like a song I can't be caught listening to.

we all want change,
but some days I don't care if I live.
and you say,
"me neither."

do I cut slow
and panic halfway through,
or make it in a flash,
final,
sharp,
loud sound?

do I make them suffer?
or become the warning sign
I already am?

emotions can be disgusting,
untamed,
and I'm sick with them,
torturing myself with my own
and theirs.
it's my fault,
it's not all my fault.

I'm haunted by your storm,
and I'll still weather it with you.
you shut the door
once I opened it,
and I become a memory of error,
a system failure
etched deep
into your body's memory.
it can't be true.

you had to fall in line,
I only fell apart.
you picked everything up.
now my tears
are excuses and wasted time.
same cries of a victim,
same lines,
no more.

the mirror reflects
two lives split in the middle.
I shift perspective,
and all I see is
live or die?
doesn't matter
to you anymore.

I let you down.
I'm human.
not an excuse.
it's true.

I see where you hurt,
and it scares me
the way it stabs,
the way you hurt back,
when I didn't think I was being that sharp.

thinking about dying,
then I just smoke
and numb the ache.
my words aren't enough
I can't stop until it feels okay.

quiet,
because I have no plan.
every good feeling I lose,
I protect it before it even begins.

I have power,
but I see it wrong.
and you suffer
because of me.

tell me what you want,
I'll do it.
anything for you.
I'll change
and do better.

you don't care
that I'm smiling
as I bleed out,
you just
slide the knife in deeper,
because you bled out
again and again for me.

I'd rather die
than let you down again,
I'd rather die
than feel human most days.

when you're okay,
I can breathe and sit still.
when you hurt,
you say we all suffer.

and yes,
I feel it too.

we both
want to die,
sometimes
we violently paralyze each other
and it's real.

I'm left
paralyzed
into realizing this pain
was never just ours
to carry alone.