you passed the joint over to me
I looked at your lips
as the smoke rolled over them
like a spirit chased out of your body

I took a drag and passed it around
we stared at him with eager eyes
for the next clue to win the game
it was getting late and I felt drunk
with happy exhaustion when
your friend whispered "plantagenet"
"what?" we asked
"the clue is... plantagenet" he said again, sternly

our eyes connected
I looked at you, then at him
then back to you
for the briefest moment
before we both started laughing
full belly laughs
and at that moment
you were lovely
of course, we lost that game
but only sort of

I wanted a clean break
so I compartmentalized
my friends     and      his

I didn't fight for you
but I should've

we had picked out your
birthday gift together
I never made the party
the gift was a reminder
of our failure as a couple
it's not a good excuse
but it's the one I have
I put my own feelings of shame
over our friendship
because that was simpler

the truth is, I was scared, too
I've never told anyone that

I'd watch your soccer games
you would run across the field
your body athletic and agile
tall and capable in ways I could
only wish I had been
and I was scared to see you weak

I'll never forget your last media post
two hours before you died
about how you couldn't stop coughing

I regret the birthday gift
you never got to open

ten years ago, you sat next to me
propped against a wall on my bed
strumming each string
of my red electric guitar
tuning the cords, slowly, gently
too embarrassed to play a song
you were going to be a lawyer
I was going to be a journalist
we both had high hopes then

our usual food order was tater tots
with extra (extra!) sauce and
pad thai in a box which we'd swap
back and forth in between sips
of whiskey from your metal flask
sitting on the curb of the parking lot
late at night after everything closed
both exhausted from work

you brought me a cd in the hospital
I listened to it a hundred times
I know all the lyrics to every song on it
even a decade later
the music is still ours, you know
we gift each other mix tapes
you always include a song
by my favorite band (thank you)
I couldn't make you just one playlist
because all music reminds me of you

our conversations flow easy
we bounce back and forth
teasing, joking, talking openly
you always make me laugh
and I don't tell you this enough
but I love you and our friendship
even when we go months
without ever talking to each other
what we have is beautiful and
so important to me, I cherish it every day

Come to me with all that you are
Leaving nothing behind
Make no attempt to conceal a scar
Nor wound of body or mind

Bring all your lifelong memories
Whether fragments or complete
Your daydreams and your reveries
Your tales, your songs, your grief

Let old dwellings be deserted
Pack each and every thought
Allow no baggage to be diverted
Every aspect to be brought

Load up your darkness and your light
Make parcels of all you know
Wrap strength and weakness, wrong and right
Prepare them all to go

Make ready your heart for travel
Include chips and pieces scattered
Edges beginning to unravel
Even dust, from when it shattered

Be sure no detail is forsaken
Have no token to give in lieu
Delivery will be signed and taken
With all the love I bear for you

you've been so careful to handle me
with precision to the point of omission
a delicate disregard for my existence
retreated when faced with resistance
your persistence was consistent
that our love would go the distance
but I wasn't heard or understood
caught up in a life of could and should
never thinking of what I wanted
what I had been wanting all this time
and it's daunting and exhausting
to know you didn't see me
but the key to unlock the person I am
has felt crammed in this sham
of fragility fragmented to falter
I am not made for you, I want to scream
complacent in your life as a team
in between this bad dream
of ruined self-esteem, I miss
the spark of connection with lovers
feeling affection under the covers
kisses that feel like fire with desire
burning through my entire being
so break what you're protecting
stop deflecting and objecting
time to stop redirecting my reflecting
and start reconnecting with yourself

just in case
you’re in a dark place
and can’t seem
to find a light switch
or matches even
I want you to know
you are loved
maybe not by yourself
yet
but you are
even though it sounds
like a fairytale for now
at some point
you’ll find the light switch
or the matches
and you’ll be able to see
that the fairytale
came true
and you’re the one
that made it happen