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 Dec 2016 Brian Payamps
The Calm
400 years America ,
For 400 years America, we've been playing this game of cat and mouse, and for 400 years America, you refuse to give us the keys to the house.
For 400 years America , we've been asking to be free, and for 400 years America , you sat there and you promised me, all the freedom I could ask for , for just a small fee

For 400 years America , we've been paying that small fee in sweat, tears and blood
For over 400 years America, we have witnessed the flood, from the storm clouds that burst in a black mother's eyes. The Storm that rages in her heart as she cries. The Lightening that strikes her heart as she watches her son bleed as he dies.
For over  400 years America , we've had to watch our people bleed , for over 400 years America , you've literally scorched and scathered and destroyed our seed.

For over 400 years America our sons, daughters, fathers , mothers have bled and for over 400 years tear after tear was shed
The flags that represent you, makes you free . But the same flags that represent you, doesn't represent me. The flag that represents words that say"all men are created equal" considered me an animal and there seemed to never be a sequel.

400 years later and still "no refuge can save, the hireling and slave from the terror of flight or the gloom of the grave" I am not blind, don't need a stick or a stave, I am not foolish, I see the road that you have paved America!

For over 400 years, America, My brothers and sisters have fought for your pride
We carried your rifles, we lifted your flag and still you were snide
For over 400 years America, for you battles we've won
400 year later you still point your gun

It's been 400 years America, Gotdammit I am not a slave
I want my rights and you will not tell me how to behave!
You've always had freedom white man, and you don't know how bad I crave! that my kids grow up in freedom and for that I'll be brave to the grave. Even if it kills me, I will not let the color of my skin decide whether or not I win. I will not you let, America, and your adulterous, heinous sin control me and the condition I am in

400 years later America, and you act like you still don't know their names
400 years later America and you still plea ignorance, you don't feel their pains
Emmit Till, Trayvon Martin, Freddie Gray
These are some of the lives from us you took away
400 years later and you still make us pay
and that's not okay....
To you slavery was yesterday and we should shout free at last?
To you the last police shooting was last week, we shouldn't riot,  it's in the past, You want us white washed but we can't shake the scars from centuries in a caste

Freedom isn't free, but I still believe, I still believe that someday my eyes will see, all nations, all skin colors under one tree, connected to one vine, to the divine
He awoke to find her missing from the left side of the bed, worry taking over him as he quickly got up. his head spinning because he was half asleep.

He saw the bright light emitting from beneath the bathroom door then heard loud clanking before quiet tears began to fill the sound of the hall.

His brows knit in stress, anxiously gripping the door **** and fiercely twisting it with hopes it would open, but to his dismay it was locked.

His fists had a mind of their own as they began to pound on the bathroom door, tears streaming down his face because this was a night he had lived a couple times before.

His voice raspy from all his tears and lack of breath screamed out for her to let him in, to stop what she was doing, and listen to him.

She sat naked on the floor of the bathroom thinking about everything like she always did, thoughts racing through her mind so fast, even coursing through her blood.

Looking down at every single insecurity, every single thing she hated about herself and her body, wanting so badly to see what he loved about her and these things.

She held the scissors to her thigh, the ones she had managed to find, the ones that he had hid on her after all the other times.

Tears streaming down her face hearing him outside, her hands shaking from how hurt and betrayed his screams sounded, how loud his fists were pounding.

She took the first sharp slit across her skin then took another two, tears continuing to well in her eyes as the blood began to seep down along her knee.

She filled the bath tub with cold water and shook as she got into it, bringing her knees to her chest and hugging them as she cried.

The freezing water was a way to punish herself for what she had done to herself, but mostly for what she had done to him once again after she promised last time was it.

He kept pounding at the door, getting angrier and angrier at the uncertainty of what she was doing to herself, if he was going to lose her once more.

He kicked at it hard with his bare foot, wincing in pain as he punched at the same time, the door soon giving way from all the force and falling loose from its frame.

Relief filled his whole body as he quickly pushed through, nearly stepping on the bloodied scissors lying on the floor.

His eyes still tear filled saw her shaking in the bath tub, running to her before engulfing his arms around her freezing cold body and grabbing a towel to get some blood flow back to her body.

Her lips were purple, her skin covered in goosebumps, her arms wrapped around his neck as she cried into his chest.

His breathing quickened when he saw the fresh cuts on her thighs, still red with blood.

He sat down on the floor where she had sat a couple minutes before and rocked her in his arms, protectively holding her and keeping her warm.

He kissed her all over her face before running his finger over the skin of her thigh, putting bandaids over her cuts before telling her how much he loved her and how worried he had been.

He told her how he couldn't lose her and that he loved everything she couldn't see, then carried her back to bed where she would be safe and warm in his embrace.

Another night he had saved her.

Another night he had almost lost her.

Another night he'd be up worrying and wondering what he would ever do without her and why he couldn't help her.
Something I thought about after I showered so I pieced together a semi poem/story. Other than the self harm with scissors, none of these events have happened before. They are just fiction.
 Dec 2016 Brian Payamps
Chameleon
Oil
I miss wrapping my arms
around you under neon lights.
The smell of your t-shirt when my nose
was pressed against it in bed.
Watching the trail of cigarette smoke
sway side to side during deep conversations in cars.

I can still hear the roar of the highway,
at 7 a.m that June morning.
It blended in well like an oil painting;
next to the sun, The Beatles, and your smile.
 Dec 2016 Brian Payamps
Jasmin A
I don't think I love you.
I shouldn't.
We are wrong in every way but
you are the one that took my innocence.
At first it's what I wanted.
But now, sitting here under these stars you once deflowered me under,
I realize that the greatest pain is knowing that
I wasn't the one you said goodbye to as you boarded
for England.
I lied though because the greatest pain speaks louder.
That I cannot be rid of the thoughts of you.
The sounds you made me spill
I never knew I could sing so beautifully,
and you were gorgeous when you looked at me.
Eyes so bright and kissing me as if I meant something to you.
I cannot say I love you but ****** it sure feels that way.
And these thoughts will not leave
you kissing my neck as I watch the stars dance
and we become them.
You don't think of me do you?
Not as I do, surly.
These thoughts, they'll haunt me.
You left without them.
You left me with them.
A true story about the man in the title... He'll never read it, thank God.
j.***
I sit beneath the tree of Innocence, hidden in the forest of Tomorrow. There I cried a lake so vast, neverending tears of Sorrow.

I can't look up towards the sun, its vanished from my view. Blue sky's I painted grey, yet another reminder of you.

I'm stepping off the edge soon, thought maybe this time I might fly. I'll climb to the very top, and hope that I won't die.

Muttered prays that only fall, they're just to heavy in heart. Everything that I touch, always falls apart.

I can't ease this ache in my chest, nor can I mend what's gone. So I sit beneath this magic tree, and listen to the Winds song.
 Oct 2015 Brian Payamps
topacio
when i met you
i didn't know id be
meeting all six of you.
your personas
spilled from your pocket
like rapid fire kisses.
little by little
trickling out
with casual coolness.
like perfectly stacked dominoes
shot out into the open
by geronimo and his rifle.
and the only thing you expected
was to expect me to not inspect them.
to not hold them up to the light
and investigate the content.

anyway my hands were
too shaky  
and small
to carry them all.
anyway you smiled.
with the same
smile you forgot to
take off from work.

you:
the angry
the riddle
the obstinate
the sweetheart
the confused
the drunk
the person you think you are
the person you are desperately trying to become.

for what its worth,
i hope to meet him
one day too.
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