Sometimes, I blame the stars
I ponder the possibility of their alignment being so twisted on the day I was born
Searching for an explanation

Sometimes, I blame my parents
Perhaps the concept of never being good enough, of which they poisoned my brain with, was not just a concept but in fact the truth all along

Sometimes, I blame my teachers
I consider the reinforcement of said concept being pushed down my throat during my years in education
Never good enough to succeed
Never good enough to be loved

Sometimes, I blame God
No, I’m not religious, but the desperation to know the unknown consumes my entire being until I am pushed towards yet another unknown

Sometimes, I blame society
For worshipping such unattainable standards of beauty that one forgets the true meaning of the word
What does it mean to be beautiful?
What does it mean to be loved?

I never blame myself.
Because I know that is where the answer lies and it terrifies me.

My friend, I know you struggle
I know it hurts to take a breath
I know you hate this, I do too
I know sometimes you wish for death
But after every time we talk
I pray you’ll see another day
I pray for me to find the words
Because I don’t know what to say
I know you think that I don’t care
You say a thousand hurtful things
In the moment you believe them
And that's what really makes it sting
But I’ll stay up till morning talking
If that will get you through the day
My friend, I’ll suffer through this with you
Just to know that you’re okay

i imagine the only time
these fingertips have nothing left to say,
is when a heartbeat no longer carries them .

no..
not even then .

the more i let myself go
the more i pull back,
the more courage built
the more fear fed,
the more i give
the more i grieve
the more emotions involved
the more thoughts escape,
the more i know
the less i want to know.

Essence below which I lay
on slowly drifting clouds
of stardust, waiting in hope
for my eclipse to pass me by
as you twinkle far above
plastered on my celestial ceiling,
wanting each and every night
to last forever...

Today is your birthday
I’ll celebrate it with memories
Of thirty-seven years together
And eternity in Heaven