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  Jan 2019 mal monson
stranger
but darling
i'm telling myself the same critics
never change anything though
                          °
darling I'm trying to find appellations
for every other meaningless thing
but in my world of correlation
meaningless seems to have a meaning
                           °
i'm a hideous liar
meaning i'm a pretty face selling words of fire
meaning that I deliberate about being shallow or loyal
meaning that i'm dying but I'm quite the survivor
                         °
I'm just as broken down as my whole generation
because we're all the same just deadlier situations
but I'll lie myself through since it's what I'm good at...
you know denying myself isnt that bad
                         °
I've built myself a cursed regime
where my wounded hands reside
because when I decide to hide
no-one will ever find me
                         °
                      
I'm still the same unchanged, colorless and steeped of secrets
still part of the sick game of saving and killing heartstrings
                         °
but in the world where everyone's the same
in a world where you're a complete idiot if you go astray,
in this sick world I'm ready to embrace my "idiocy" _
                           °
with all due respect to the human race
I'd like to go on with my hypocrisy
I'll ask no-one else
If they approve of me_
I am part of this world
mal monson Jan 2019
you made a playlist
of songs about
car crashes

not because you
want to die
but because
your mind
does
  Jan 2019 mal monson
cait-cait
you’re a sick, sick person
my little,
                old
love.

with eyes like ferocious , angry
beetles, you
chew into me and cut out
tiny,
        stinging
                       holes.

if only you knew i wasn’t invincible,
if only you knew
                              you were toxic.

the cement is wet when you bash my head
open,
and
the cement is still wet when it
rains.
my mom said "who cares what they think. theyll never understand it, and you dont have to say this part out loud, but things are different now."
mal monson Jan 2019
i am sick
but not just
in the head

sheet metal leather
belt pulling itself
tight
around my waist
and around my
neck

empty bursting empty
can't fill my
stomach
bursting empty bursting
too much in
stomach

nausea from breathing
too full yet
hollow
lungs can not
get enough oxygen
in
out
in out

frozen stiff and
trembling but strangled
by clothes and
by my own
skin

food poisoning flu
indigestion cramps panic
stop

please please just
please just please
stop
as im typing this i can barely breathe. im so nauseous that im about to start hallucinating. i don't know whats wrong. it might have been dairy but it's never this bad unless there's other stuff too.
mal monson Dec 2018
where are you?

not gone,
you promised.

not answering.

where are you?

i need you.

where are you?

im sorry,
i was gone.

where are you?

please respond
i am scared
i am terrified
i need you

where are you?
not gone.
mal monson Dec 2018
isn't pretty
isn't happy
and
isn't fun

my december is
losing hair and
coughing until
i'm about to pass
out

my december is
loss of appetite
and aching joints

my december is
heightened anxiety
and sensitivity to
those around me
and their
emotions

my december is
sickness
in more ways
than one

but it is my december
and mine alone
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