I want to like everybody.
the cashier, the man with his dog, a woman
crossing the street
my coworkers, my interactions

and yet despite trying my hardest there are just a few who leave a sour taste in my mouth
some just don't leave an impression
I've tried and tried and tried
but it ***** the energy out of me faster than they'd notice a sliver of effort, difference

I'm tired! I've slept eight hours and I'm still tired!
my body aches and my muscles tighten
Trying to be the best, kindest, most generous I can be
Treating others the way I want to be treated
And getting walked over like a stone gravel path
unnoticed, unappreciated
and with every step my heart breaks
But I don't want to close myself
I don't want to build up walls of brick, stone, metal
I don't want to stop loving and trying for the ones that are hard
Because what does that make me?

i have memories of being told
on an old science show
that everything is matter
everything is something
just because you can't see it
doesn't mean it isn't there
a person is a person
no matter how small
but oh, how small i feel
compared to you
your magnificence is
unparalleled
incomparable
and the lessons i've learned
of equality and importance
have no meaning here
because it's not meant
to be you vs me
it's a matter of opinion
and everything is matter
even the smallest speck
compared to the biggest tree
unbelievable
that we could have the same
origins
come from the same
matter
at the beginning of time
beginning of life
beginning of me
beginning of you
we're all the same
but we're oh so different
you're the greatest building
the tallest
standing 2,722 ft tall
in dubai
and i am the smallest city
0.17 square miles
population 783
and my deep breathing
exercises
aren't working like
they should
i want to be lovely
for you
i'm not worthy
to be received
in the same manner
i receive you
but everything is matter
and everything is something
and a person is a person
no matter how small

i want my perfume
to be your
favorite
smell

i want you
to hold me
closer
than you've ever
held anyone

i wish you
were here
to tell me
i will be
okay

i still remember how it felt
to have your fingernails
drag across my skin
and how wanted i felt
because you actually wanted
to kiss me.

i know you regret touching me
and you'll never know how badly it hurts
that you will never want to again
maybe that just means it's time
considerably past due
and you never really knew
that i ever did
but i don't love you
anymore
(and that hurts more
than you never loving me)

i will never make the mistake
of letting anyone that close to me
ever again

it's gone too far
too long
too fast

it's been too much
too soon

it's not your fault, not really
but you deserve someone
who knows exactly
what they want

you just have bad timing

i want to feel you
in every breath i breathe
but when i'm around you
i often forget how to
and find myself
breathing you in
by the lungful

i used to always have bruises on my knees from the cold tile of the bathroom floor. the texture and the goosebumps is what i really miss, although i think that's the strangest thing about it.

why would i remember that part so vividly?
and why did i bruise so easily?

it means so little but it says so much
that the details are what i focus on the most
the feel of running my fingers over the porcelain
and how it was always so cold to the touch

i never remember why
but i remember the encouragement
the desperation
the tears in the mirror
the tearing at my skin
and the small woman with an accent
over the deli counter
who motivated me to get better

as the rain pours down on the streets and my clothes
and the cold wears me down to the very core
all i can do is remember and remember
the texture of your skin on the tips of my fingers
the softness in your hair, the harsh words you said
and the sensation of my blood on my hands

it wasn't the first time, and it won't be the last

there will be another house, another home
three bedrooms, two bathrooms
just like the last one, a different number
a different street
a different harshness underneath my feet
and my knees, but the same cold porcelain
and the same homesick feeling
i've felt for as long as i can remember

Your attitude towards pop culture.* Just because I happen to enjoy things like pop music and those stupid little round chapsticks doesn't mean I deserve to be belittled by you.

2. Your inability to move on. Okay, so she didn't like you back. Alright, that really *****. I understand. It's not the end of the world, either, and shouldn't have hurt you quite nearly this much for this long.

3. You make everything about you. Maybe if you spent as much time trying to know me as you did talking about yourself we wouldn't be where we are.

4. You will lie to get what you want. Yeah, you ****** up. You brought up the major "L" word incredibly too soon. It's fine. You were drunk, and I got my space. But as soon as you edged near the concept again and I caught you, you immediately back-tracked and tried to make me think you were still what I wanted.

5. Your classic manipulative tendencies. I understand self-hate. I really do. But it's not okay to use your own self-hate as a tool to make me feel guilty.

6. You're immature. Sure, I don't claim to be absolutely perfect. I'm an eighteen year old girl, I have a long way to go. But after not talking to me for three days, isn't it a bit *young of you to delete me off of every single social networking you can think of off the top of your head? I understand a clean break, but you didn't even try to talk to me first and measure my feelings.

7. You're passive-aggressive. It's really cute how you would write negative and mean things about me where you know I would be able to see them. Really cute.

8. You didn't want to know me. I opened up to you. I truly did. I expressed many things to you that took a lot of time and work to be able to express to my therapist, a person who I literally pay to talk to about my problems. But, unfortunately, anything that didn't fit in the schema you shoved me into, you promptly forgot.

9. You never listened to me. I told you exactly what I wanted. Exactly what I was looking for. You told me you could do this, but as soon as you wanted something else, you fought tooth and nail for that instead, completely disregarding any feelings I may have had about it.

10. You're probably going to read this. Leave me alone. I pushed you away because of the reasons above, not because I'm pushing everyone away. Feeling lonely and writing about it doesn't mean I don't have close friends that I talk to and love very much. Which I suppose you'd know, if you bothered to know me.

you're delicate
you make me feel light and airy
you remind me of sunrises and
foggy, chilly mornings
and bright sunflowers
which are my favorite kind
you're soft and kind
you make me feel happy

and i want you to **** me with everything you've got

slowly walk into the bathroom
deep breathing exercises
count to ten
again and again
step onto the cold linoleum
the cold hurts your feet
slip your skin off
wash off the mask
you don't need it right now
kneel to the cabinet
under the sink
pull out the small square
put it on the floor
in front of your feet
deep breathing exercises
count to ten
again and again
one step forward
right foot to match
clenched fists, white knuckles, shut eyes
count to ten

the number blinks at you
you've gained
you've gained
you've gained
you've gained
you've GAINED
YOU'VE GAINED
the room becomes smaller
you drop to your knees
warm tears roll down your cheeks
move closer to the porcelain
both hands taking turns in your mouth
get it out
get it out
get it out
get it out
now

a deep breath, a sigh of relief, the sound of harsh running water
you won't eat tomorrow
you don't deserve it

the speed of light
is 299792458 m/s

edgar allan poe
was born in
boston, massachusetts

string theory is
a theoretical framework
in which the point-like particles
of particle physics are replaced
by one-dimensional objects
called strings

sukiyabashi jiro
is a michelin three star restaurant
in ginza, chūō, tokyo, japan


and yet i use this ability
to listen to sad music
and think about how much i miss you

with death comes new breath
new life, love, longing
a grand sense of belonging
and a fresh taste of hope
that what was once broken
can be restored once more

flowers will continue to grow between the cracks of the pavement
and trees will continue to escape towards the skies
and I will continue to love you in each breath I take, even when it slightly singes my lungs

your hand in mine feels like where its meant to be
and next to me in my bed is where you're meant to be
holding me when i'm half awake at 5am
in the soft light of morning

you're so warm and familiar
yet so distant and new
i don't know what you want with me yet
but i hope for the best.

my stomach is in knots
i keep searching and searching
rereading words and text
flipping through pages
unable to find the answer
to why?

why?

why what,
why i am like this
how can i stop it
was i made to be this way?
is this who i really am?
i don't want to be this
and i don't want to be me
but i can't find the reason why
and i have failed

my hands are shaking
and my throat is tight
my muscles are tense
and my stomach is in knots
and i have failed

i'm not the girl my mother wanted me to be
and i'm not sure how to find her
and i'm still here
searching and searching
rereading words and text
flipping through pages
unable to find the answer

I dream of looks that burn
And eyelashes that ****
To make grown men cry
And young girls whimper
Dressed to repress
And drowned in romance
and envious glances
Yet I falter for young daffodils
And joy and laughter
And I dream of love
And happy ever after
But I put so much effort
And care and tenderness
Into the thought of others
There's nothing left for me
.

with no concept of right or wrong,
i will do what feels right to me
and you make me feel all right.

Who am I to be deserving of such intense emotion?
But I can't imagine who else I would be
I wouldn't trade anything about myself because it gives me the perspective I deserve
Humble and cautious; unabashedly me
the slight differences that could be, would be
A butterfly effect
A small subtlety
and an entire different self

But what I desire is what others can give me
Attention and affection is what makes me feel good,
what makes anyone feel good.
I don't deserve it more
than anyone else
But I may want it more
Or else I'll find it in inhuman devices
where the devil himself has taken part
Luring me into things one should not rely
but I can't sleep without him
and he understands his hold.
The idea of commitment entices me,
one person to love me for the rest of my days
But what else? Whom else?
Love is freedom and flowers and chocolate cake
And I can't eat it and expect it to be there the next day.

it doesn't really make me feel better
when you tell me how ******* sorry you are
because you knew what you were doing
as you did it

it doesn't really make a difference
that i drive you crazy
because it didn't matter to you
when it mattered to me

it doesn't really affect much
that you wish me well, that you're ashamed
once you drop an apple,
it will remain bruised
and change it's texture

sorry doesn't change what happened
the things you said to me
are still tattooed on my skin
no matter how hard i try
to rub them off

there's a layer of dust on your furniture
and your things haven't been touched

when you come home
you'll still be miles away

the years we spent in constant contact
were too easy to drop
and fade away

but this doesn't mean they were nothing to me
our late night chats and our cups of tea
you really, really did help me

you struggle so much with your identity,
because you base it all on appearance
just like we both used to

i can't remember when we stopped talking
somewhere between a rainy day
and a random wednesday

it started this way because we were busy
at least that's what i told myself
but really it's just i'm getting better
and you aren't

(and i feel so guilty for that,
you deserve to be better
just as much as i do.
but i don't think
you want it,
yet)

"dance with me, please"
he grabbed my hands
and i did my best
but i was too drunk
and it was hard to move
and there was no music

he placed his hand
on the small of my back
as he kissed me
but i was too drunk
and it was hard to move
and there was no music

"so, you're kinda freaky?"
he asked as he noted
the bruises left on my neck
but i was uncomfortable
and i was confused
and i didn't like the way he looked at me

there is a very
large disconnect
between what you think of me
and what i see in the mirror
(and it feels really nice
but i wish i was the only one)

to be the equivalent
of a three room studio apartment
with a TV set three times the price of your rent
that makes up your sad little world
is such an incredible insult

I am worth so much more

in two year's time
you won't remember
my favorite color
or my favorite food

in five year's time
you won't remember
the texture of my hair
or the feel of my skin

in ten year's time
you won't remember
my name or my hair color
except that they were both odd

in fifteen year's time
you won't remember
exactly what i looked like
(were her eyes blue or green?)
except that you thought i was pretty

in twenty year's time
you won't remember
me at all

except when you're hanging out at the bar
with the guys from work
and you talk about young romance
and you say
"there was once this girl,
but i can't remember
her name"

I trusted you
Wholly and genuinely
I told you things about myself
That I couldn't bring myself to
tell others,
and you tore me apart
from the inside out
manipulation and betrayal
don't have the connotations
to how badly you've hurt me
I love you and I love you and I thought you did too
but actions speak louder than words,
and I don't know if I can forgive yours
and maybe that's why I can't
run away from the taste of blood in my mouth
and the blood in my hair and the blood in my favorite sweater
there was so much blood,
and you weren't there

if i were to be asked how i was feeling i'd probably tell you i was fine. i wouldn't be lying, but you're not actually asking because you want to know, you're making conversation and that's okay. if i were to be asked how i was really really feeling, it'd be best described as a gaping hole in my chest. it's getting hard to breathe when i'm alone and i get the shakes so bad i can't fall asleep. i haven't been eating as well as i should and i know that probably factors in but if i look at all the facts objectively i am definitely, truly fine. i have those who love me and i'm happy in my personal relationships and even if i wasn't i have the constant companionship of a pet cat and the support of my mother and i'm doing everything i'm supposed to be doing. and i guess there doesn't have to be a reason to feel this way it's a neurological problem and it can just occur with no rhyme or reason but that being a fact almost makes it worse. i feel determined to find a reason to find something to be insecure of to solve the mystery of why i've been feeling this way but the answer isn't clear and it's frustrating.

pt. 2

my bones are made of iron and i am strong-willed and cautious. i don't need anything but my own determination to get better and i'm confident that i will.

bind my wrists in silk
tenderly tie me up
sweetly sharpen your knives
and don't hold your tongue

tell me you like me
tell me you see me
for who I am
and who I was meant to be.
gently create cuts in my skin,
and get to know what's inside

it's in your head, darling
it's all in your head
it isn't real
you're making it up

you're so paranoid, baby
they don't think about you
not nearly as much as you assume
you're making it up

you're so pessimistic, honey
no one can be that bad
you're perfectly normal
you're making it up

you're so conceited, gorgeous
loving boys with your toes in the water
when they're up to their necks in you
you're making it up

you think too much, darling
no one analyzes this the way you do
no one cares as much as you do
but oh, what if they did?

reliving traumatic experience through other's similar experiences isn't a great way to numb my own triggers but every once in a while I seem to give it a good try
-
lying to others about the severity of my experiences isn't a great way to numb my own triggers but I seem to give it a good try
-
getting high every night and drunk almost every other night isn't a great way to numb my own triggers but I seem to give it a good try
-
flipping my life upside down and dealing with multiple changes at once isn't a great way to numb my own triggers but I seem to give it a good try
-
staying in bed all day watching TV and movies I don't really like isn't a great way to numb my own triggers but I seem to give it a good try
-
But at least I'm trying

I've wanted to **** myself since I was 12. I don't know when it started or how, but there are many whys. New reasons have come every year, and old reasons have an interesting staying power that you wouldn't really expect. Sure, I forgive. My traumas are not the result of active hate towards me. They are ramifications, small waves from a rock dropped in a pool that gently washed over me and through me, caking salt in the fundamental components of my heart and soul. They are me and they are not me. I've made so much progress, and I have so much to be proud of but I'm not. I try to convince myself I am in conversations with my friends, mother, therapist. You're so eloquent, they say. So introspective. Am I? I'm just lying. I'm only happy when I'm ******, drunk or both. Sometimes I seem okay sober, and sometimes I'm more okay than others. Even when I'm more okay I still want to die. I could be driving down the road listening to my favorite songs and I will still think of five separate things I can do to **** myself. But it seems selfish. My mother has brought me into this life, not exactly intentionally but she raised me the best she could and has a lot of pride in the woman she thinks she's caused. My friends rely on me for support, or even advice on how to help other friends because "they know I've been though this already" as if it's not still happening. I don't want to **** myself. Not really. I want to disappear like ******* Hermione, you know? Just forgotten, no one gets hurt. I'm loved. But it's not enough.

My heart is so full of love but none of it is for me.

I want to create love for myself inside my own heart.

I want to understand I am fundamentally flawed without hating myself for those flaws.

I want to give myself the same benefits I do others.

I want to hold myself to the same standards as I do my friends.

I want to feel good. Whole. But for now i feel empty.

you consider me pretty
i know because you've told me
several times before
i know because i've felt you
react to me

i know you would have never loved me
even if you thought you could
(which you didn't)
i wasn't ruined enough

your own sadness must be complemented
compared
with mine
i wasn't ruined enough

someone whom i thought was your friend
pulled me aside
because she thought you might
and she chose to warn me
but you didn't
i wasn't ruined enough

but you will never really know how ruined
tarnished
*****
used
filthy
i truly am

you will never really know how he
whispered to me
breathed on me
pressed on me
pressured me
complimented me
insulted me
threatened me

touched me


i find it incredibly insulting
that "emotionally damaged"
has become attractive
romanticized
wanted
by guys like you

although we don't speak anymore
and we have every right not to
i still wonder how you are
from time to time

i wonder what you think about
i wonder how you're doing
last i heard it wasn't so great
are you feeling better?

i wonder what you do to pass the time
i wonder who your friends are now
and what you do together
are you doing alright?

i wonder if your plans have changed
i wonder if you still like the music you did
or if you've found something new
are you okay?

but i think
most of all
even if it's as just a friend
or someone to talk to

i wonder if you miss me

I think about you most often in the early morning, right after a dream
The sun beaming through my curtains, bright and sharp

I am at peace.

i suppose nothing quite compares
to the absolute disheartenment
upon learning that those you adore
feel nothing close to the same
for you

i feel a desperate need to apologize
but i have nothing to be sorry for

sorry for not being ready?
sorry for not believing you
(when you've given me evidence
to prove the opposite of your words)?

the more and more you opened up
the more and more i began to see
the parts of me that i hate the most
inside of you
(and you didn't bother to hide it)

you never bothered to know me
you only bothered to know
your interpretation of me
and it was wrong
(don't argue with me)

i am not everything you hoped i'd be
and i'm sorry for that
but you did this to yourself

i know exactly what you're going through
i know exactly how you feel
but please
just
shut the **** up

(you never listened to me anyway)

I once never pictured myself without the affections of a man who didn't have sweet adjectives for me
A man who wouldn't describe my kisses as sweet or compare me to rivers or trees or other powerful stances in nature
A man who wouldn't romanticize me as words spoken from other men in a time long since past.
I'm an enigma, a song, a piece of angel food cake
A thought, a meaning, a purpose for these boys
I'm red lipstick on a cheek on a friday night
I'm expensive sushi and wine
I'm delightfully mentally ill in a way only they felt like they could cure
I'm a seven month relationship ending in a **** and a break up and a roll over car crash
I'm a ****** virginity with no foreplay because i uttered the word yes so softly under my breath

And i am simultaneously none of these things.
I'm a song without words strummed in your guitar, played from the heart so strongly i couldn't stop the tears from rolling down my face
I'm a girl who denied love for you when i was busy loving a boy who loved drugs so much he couldn't feel his fingers and he loved other girls with nicer bodies and hair and eyes and the comparisons between what he had and them
I'm a girl who asked you to retie my bikini string eight years ago knowing the enticement it'd make you feel

I've learned a lot to become the girl you want to sleep next to every night, and for that i thank the boys who used to love me for their lessons and teachings and letting me become someone worthy.

In the summer months you were a source of warmth
Burning too hot to touch
But as the weather outside cools down
Your skin became my blankets
And your heart became my pillow
But as the weather outside became cold
So did your heart
And as the rain fell down in drops, ice-cold
So did your words
And as the wind bites my skin harder
So did your thoughts of me
And as the days became shorter
So did your time with me

And soon enough I slept alone
With no blanket or pillow to keep me warm

although i've missed grey skies
they're not as comforting compared
to your arms

although i've missed the soft sound of rain
it's not as soothing compared
to the softness of your lips
and the sound of your voice

although i've missed hot tea
it's not as warm compared
to lying in bed with you

when i was a child i had a siamese cat
we found him, alone, abandoned
outside of our home
we took him with us when we left

he never liked to be inside too much
but he loved me with all of his soul
refusing to leave me be and
resting on my lap until my legs were numb

he was aggressive and mean to his own kind
never letting other cats wander upon
his territory, but he expressed a tolerance
for the young kittens next door

one day he began searching the house
climbing into the bathtubs, across furniture
on the counters, meowing incessantly
until he decided to go outside

we opened the door for him and he happily
trotted away, and in the morning we
discovered he found what he was searching for
he was searching for a place to die.

I don't want to think about you anymore

I can't get the things you said to me out of my head

Please just let me sleep

i don't think i could ever be interested in the things that you do with your other friends

willingly taking things into your body to cause you to see things that aren't there

do you know what i would give so that i couldn't see the things that aren't there?

i can't be alone at night without the lights on and the doors locked

because i keep seeing them out of the corners of my eyes

help me please help me

i haven't slept

i don't know who i am anymore

why won't you let me focus on you? they disappear as soon as i look their way

why are they here

what do they want

please help me

another night spent in the dark
letting the emotions wash over me
never quite settling as the alcohol
warms my body
but not enough.

i think about your deep hazel eyes and how they change
but no matter how much i pay attention i can't find the pattern
green is for ?
brown is for ?
does somewhere in between mean you're fond of me again?

i try to find meaning in meaningless things
chance encounters become constellations
and numbers of flowers become purposeful

uncertainty is my security blanket
hiding the fears and doubts
instilled in me from the past

doubts with no reason
fears with no scares
alone with a glass
and my own thoughts
and memories of the past

i want to be careless
and i want to be free
but there is a burden
pressed upon me
a feeling in my chest
with no rhyme or reason
and maybe that's why you
taste like each season
i can't just accept
things at face value
because that's not what i've seen
repetition teaches lessons
i've learned too many times
and it's unfair to apply these teachings
because you've shown me nothing
to imply the negatives

i'm nervous and anxious
and actually kind of scared
but my hand is yours to hold
for as long as you want to keep it
and i just have to hope
you'll want it for a while

my clammy my hands grasp on to my humanity as bit by bit slips through my fingers creating a more numb version of self what's left of me i don't like one bit but i can't help it i am trying and trying to hold on to once was as it floats in the air like the balloons on my thirteenth and the string gets too high much much too high and i yearn and i grasp and it slides from my fingertips up and up and away and away and i can't give a **** i'm a husk of what could be what once was floating through the stars i loved you i loved you i really did try but it wasn't enough not enough time not enough love not enough life
i lost myself and i can't find her and what's left of me can't care to try

i belong only to myself
my heart belongs only to me
and I'll find a way to fill myself
with the love i want so dearly

But today I am empty.

I don't mind that you leave,
but I constantly crave your touch
and your warmth

I wanted you to never let go of me.

pale yellow, for the dreams
for when I wake up screaming
yet can't remember in the morning

for when I wake up scared
but don't know why

for when I toss and turn,
to write the reasons for every motion.

baby pink, for the thoughts
for when I order something extra
in the drive thru

for when I chew gum instead of a meal,
or convince myself a glass of water is enough

for when I eat nuts or crackers
and convince myself that the substance is better than nothing
.
and yet their pages are blank.

you travel alone sometimes, to distant stars, to the distant future
you go where you're needed but not where you're wanted
delicately walking, your presence undisturbing of the dirt below you

you make the greatest impact to yourself only
an observer, a thinker
trying to make things slightly brighter

I'm scared to be alone sometimes, and selfish too
I go where I'm wanted but not where I'm needed
and I pick blossoms off of trees and put them in my hair
and I leave footprints in the mud

your need to be alone is fascinating, taking in sights, colors, sounds, smells,
with no one to share it with

I admire your strength and willpower, you admire my desires and the flowers in my hair

I hope once you reach new lands, where the ground is softer and the trees glisten in the light of their star,
you think to yourself,

"she would like it here."

i hope you hear a song i showed you
in a store, or on the street

and i hope it makes you feel
absolutely awful

I dreamt about you last night.
It's been months
since the last one

I dreamt that you missed me
And it made me feel better
like I was worth something to you

You saved the things I gave you
In a brown shoebox in your closet
and you showed them to me
one last time
-
I woke up with a bitter taste in my mouth, which also reminded me of you.