i don't see any benefits to your existence
you are a waste of space
i don't want you in my life
you are an awful excuse for a man

"but he is your father
and he loves you"
has become overused

you are not the man of my childhood
he would never have said
or done
the things you have
where is he?
where are you?

a last resort, or the first
it's become blurred
probably not the worst
but not so great either

just one of the paths to feel more human
to feel comfortable in my skin
to stop the constant attack
and hide the pain within

subtle yet strong
stronger with others
the more numbing the better
ingrained ideals from mothers'
perspective, but not what she wanted
for me

take one shot for every time you look in the mirror and you're disgusted by what you see
take two shots for every time you desperately seek the scale that's been hidden from you
you feel weak but have you lost weight?
what's your number?
what's your number?
who are you?
what's your number?
seeking to find a numeral definition
finding it means knowing and the lower the more worthy
the lower the less grasping at porcelain the less disgust in the mirror
less to grab, less to hold,
fading and fading until you're gone

maybe the number will reach zero some day and i'll be one with the stars and i'll be held by the sisters of Pleiades and they'll stroke my hair and tell me how nice it was for me to drop by

i've never been with anyone
who i didn't understand
i've never loved someone
who wasn't close at hand

but i must admit
it's very bland
to be with someone
you must command

where ****** favors earn you yours
earn you niceties
earn you plans

i need someone who isn't
swayed
attached
infatuated
latched
just because of the things i can do with my mouth

this was the summer i fell in love with you
and it was wrong of me
i was dating someone else, i know
but i always wonder if you remember
the car ride home from the festival
when you told me you thought
i was beautiful?
and you made me smile so much
but i couldn't accept my feelings
and i never embraced them
and when i was alone again
you were already gone
and i wonder when you'll come back
because i really miss you a lot
and i've made a lot of mistakes
and you've seen me cry about them
but even if you never ever feel the same
i miss just watching movies together
on my couch
until 3am
and falling asleep on your shoulder
and i just miss you being here for me

(do you still think i'm pretty?
i'm starting to think you hate me)

with an unknown force
you drag me in
by my wrists
i know i shouldn't want it
you're no good
i'm too much
you're too little
too many near misses

and right when i'm done
the bruises have healed
the thoughts repressed
you tell me again
that i'm pretty
and it starts all over

you kissed my flaws
you made them feel
something other than worthless
and i miss you
and wish you opened up for me
like i would for you
if only you'd ask

I guess it's easier to put it into a four letter word but it still doesn't hold the same. I hated you for a short time and now I just want you to understand what you've done and how much it affects others. You live your life pleasing yourself and feeling bad for yourself and using others for your pleasure and I, in the time I've known you, ever seen you truly care for another past what they could do for you. Sure, you're good at pretending, but as soon as someone stops doing what you want, they don't matter to you any more. And that's what I've become.
-
I was a temporary masturbatory aid that you pretended to lay feelings in until I became a real person to you.

It's easy to fall back into old habits
Old dim places that are all too familiar
Might not be where you wanted to be
May have lost a lot of pages
But it's warm here in the dark
-
Waking up has never been easy
Especially when you're already conscious
Knowing what needs to be done has always been easy
I just can't remember how to start
-
Three different notebooks
Right now they just make me feel bad
But maybe with consistent record
I'll find the patterns and save myself faster
-
I want to help the me I'll become
I've stuck up for myself when I normally wouldn't
I'm going somewhere, someday, somehow
Thirty steps forward, ten steps back

patience is a virtue i'm uncomfortable with
and i was never taught how to love
no house has been a home
so i try to find home in people around me
but people are temporary and fleeting
and i am temporary and fleeting
my mind wanders easily
and i can't find focus
"you've got to pull yourself together, girl
you've got to watch out for your health"
but all i can hear are my walls caving in
and only small things ring through
it's the year of the snake
once a mighty dragon
sly, calm, quiet and
lonely

this sinking feeling in my stomach
is all too familiar
maybe it was a bit forward of me
to think that your words meant something
to think that i meant something
but it isn't your fault
you're impulsive
and you get what you want
and i wish i could too
but i really really wanted
to be something that you want

but what you want is to feel different
to erase the negative feelings
and replace them with artificial positives
and i understand
because i'm not above it

i haven't been able to find something to wash out the bitter taste you've left in my mouth.

except maybe *****, but that only works for the night, and it's unreliable.
drinking because i'm sad usually just leaves me sad and drunk,
and that's not a good place to be either.

but the ability to forget what you've done to me is worth the risk, so i'll drink alone. i'll drink with friends. whatever i can get my hands on, really. and maybe i'll think about you, and maybe i won't. but it doesn't matter, because maybe i'll fall asleep.

and maybe i won't have bad dreams.

i can't be alone with my thoughts
so i douse them in alcohol and fire
and revel in the burning deep within
the constructs of my chest

nothing makes sense anymore
my intuition is lost
and the fire isn't warm enough

You're a liar
a sinner
You're no good at all
I don't know what you're looking for
but I hope you don't find it
you tore me apart looking
and didn't bother to fix
the mess of me you created.

I'll pick myself up
and dust myself off
I don't need your help
I never needed it.

i remember
the sun beaming down on my back
as the wind blew through the tall green grass
the hot air creating a sweat on my brow
running through the field to the large tree
in the middle
climbing up high to view the neighborhood
as few others had seen it this way

i remember
riding down the large hills
on my bright green bike
feeling the wind rush through my auburn hair
feeling the breeze rush through my chest
faster and faster i would try to go
to get the feeling of flying
and oh, how i wanted to stay

i remember
coming inside from playing
to hear yelling and screaming
from deep within the house
and a deep, sharp noise, a leg through a closed door
"is this what you want?
did you want them to hear?"
i hoped for it to stop

i remember
my father coming over for easter dinner
and getting a little too much alcohol
and yelling at my mother
for turning us against him
"what do they know?
they're just kids!
stupid, young kids"

i remember
in the corner of the playground
where he used to play with me
a game i didn't understand
and wouldn't for a while
until he got caught
by an older student
and expelled

i remember
meeting him again at another playground
where you asked me
with a smirk on your face
"do you remember our game?"
i lied straight to your face
and told you i did not
but i really can't forget

i remember
the first time i felt ugly
looking in my full length mirror
in my purple painted room
i was seven
and just about to have another growth spurt
and had packed on weight for the transition
and my mother told me it will be okay

i remember
the yellow roses
planted outside the living room window
that bloomed once in the spring
then faced a terrible storm
and were never quite the same again
but they always tried to grow

you're just like the others
i don't want to be with you
i've learned my lessons
and you're only out to hurt me
saying you cared about me was a lie
you only care about yourself
and you want me to fix you
since you can't fix yourself

i'm not your band-aid
i'm not your babe

pour into the palm of your hand
lather gently though your hair
rinse and repeat
rinse and repeat
until you're clean of me

noun*
the ability to produce a desired or intended result.

i
want you
to want me
but i don't know
if i have that ability
to make you want me
as much as I want you to
but oh, goodness, do i want
you, and I really want you to see
how very pretty you can make me feel

your smile is incredible
your laughter is incomparable
your voice is unlike anything
i've ever heard before

your hands are delicate
your eyes are intricate
your words simply shake me
right down to my core

it's selfish to wish
that you would
one day
smile and laugh
because of me

nothing can compete
to the ache in my stomach
after confirming
that i am a failure

i waited too long
to rid my stomach
of how i've made myself feel

i put the things
you gave me
at the top
of my closet

so i don't have to look
so i don't have to think

i don't love you anymore

(i'm sorry i broke it)

Just because you're comfortable doesn't mean you're safe
Although you keep quiet more people want to know your name
But all they want to do is know
they don't care to learn how it feels coming out of the curl of a lover's mouth
they don't care how it was turned against you when you were smaller
And how you made yourself smaller and smaller trying to disappear forever until you realized it only made people see you more and more

They want to know your sins
They want to know your signs
The number on the scale
The color of your *******
What your tongue feels like
Information without emotion
Emotion without care
Care without depth
Depth without water
But you're thirsty, so so thirsty

So you drink
Drink until you're comfortable
And you let out more words than you mean
And you *****.

i don't know why you still reach out to me
when i give you no arms to grab on to
your name makes me angry and nervous
and i couldn't care less what you want from me

but maybe i do give the you benefit of the doubt
too much
but i'll be ****** if you see me care enough to
respond in little grey text
Seen.

four pink, three blue, five yellow, two green
i don't know how you manage to make it seem
so easy
to get up in the morning
to go to sleep at night
to sleep soundly
to do your job
everything you're supposed to
i don't know what i'm meant to do

four pink, three blue, five yellow, six green
what is it all supposed to mean
i didn't ask to be here
i have no effect
no purpose
nothing more than another girl
who writes a lot

five pink, four blue, six yellow, eight green
never really been too keen
never good, no good
useless, worthless
and sad

i dream of a death that is reminiscent of sleep,
too deep
to be
in control
and to keep
my mind away

and maybe i will find relief within

the more and more i reminisce the more i realize the love you gave me wasn't meant for me

i was your pretty illusion
and i was your garbage dump
for all your whole lies
and half truths

i bit my lip and felt sick for you
but no amount of sick was enough
for you to want to learn me
to know me
to understand

you made me climb to the tallest mountains and scream out the name of a boy i never understood because he didn't want me to know who he was.

you have an amazing ability
to avoid the blame
that is rightfully yours

a truly amazing talent
to justify your actions
to yourself

i never said i was absolutely perfect
but wow! you're not handling this well

and i guess neither am i
because now that i've had time to myself
i'm ashamed to find
that i am in fact
missing you

you're the kind of boy who handpicks flowers
instead of buying them
the kind to arrange them yourself
from the ones in the garden you feel
are the prettiest and the best

and i'm glad you've picked me

i believe that a glass is half empty
or half full
depending on which way
the liquid is going
if you fill it halfway
it is half full
if you dump out half
it is half empty

i feel like half of me
has been dumped out
and i can't manage to care
about him or you
all i want to do is hurt myself
"because i probably
have it coming anyway"
and i'm sorry

i know it's a lie
i do care
i care a lot
but i feel so numb
i don't feel care right now
and i'm sorry

and all i want to do
is be drunk
and be touched
and be loved
and i don't know
if it's a good idea
because you are broken and so am i
and i am sorry

and in less than four hours
you will know
exactly how
broken
i am
and i am sorry

my fingers feel like ice
my face feels red hot

forget, forget, forget
bury it deep inside
deep in the caverns
under vast oceans
no one will dare venture to
and a place i'll never go again

i want to be someone you can talk to
unload your struggles on,
let me hear them
i'll offer advice, if necessary
but above everything
i'll be an ear to listen
a shoulder to cry on
someone to hug you
to hold you when you're down

i'll be your distraction
i'm here to soften the blows
quiet the loud noises
and maybe boop your nose
whatever will help,
whatever you need,
i'm always here

i want you to grasp at me
and dig your nails into me
and tell me you can't get enough

i want you to hold me
when it gets too cold outside
i want to feel your skin
against mine,

i want you to be well fed and nurtured
to be happy and healthy and well
and i want you to be proud of me

A longing for the places I've never been
And a longing for the unknown
Because maybe it's better than this
Perpetual cycles and lists
To Do lists
Grocery lists
Lists of symptoms for my therapist
since I seem so happy in our sessions
Thanks, I'm dissociating
And I have no sense of self

I want to run
I want to leave
I want to scream

I'm just too young

I scream into the trees,
"I want to leave!"

and they whisper, through the voice of the wind,
you can't,
you can't,
You can't.

it's refreshing, isn't it?
the cool ocean breeze
the sand beneath my feet
a breath of well-deserved happiness
a sigh of needed relief

i've been thinking about you a lot lately
you've been very good for me
you take only what's given
and expect nothing more

sure, it'd be nice to see this go somewhere
but it doesn't have to
i'm happier than a clam
(and clams are very happy)

right now you're a comforting place
a trip to the ocean
the sand beneath my feet
and that's okay

it's refreshing, isn't it?

I miss the me I was at the peak of my eating disorder. She was worse than me, but more distracted. She had purpose. Talent. Control. She knew how to get through a day and she knew how to stay small. She loved the way her body was changing. Now she is small. Pushed back to the furthest corners of my mind, until I look in a mirror. Then she is quickly hushed. I miss her ideas and her thoughts. But mostly I miss how much I don't remember from being her.

i feel the ache deep down in my spine
and i take whatever i need
to pass the time

you're more than aware
i can't tell if you care
or if you tried

it's easiest to summarize
you know what i want
you know what i need
i'm here when you want
and i'm here when you need
but where have you gone?

oh, babe, i know this is late
significantly after the fact
but as i've only now given myself time
to think, to let go
this is when it's coming out

oh, babe, i know you hate me
i've seen the words you've written
you can deny them, take them back
but it's too late
i know how you feel

oh, babe, i'm so sorry
it wasn't very kind
placing stinging words
in places where i knew you'd see
i was so angry, so sad, so frustrated
and i didn't know myself

oh, babe, i truly am sorry
to have made you cry
it's not what you deserved, not what you needed
and not what i wanted at all

although that was the problem, wasn't it?
what did i want?
i still don't know, babe,
but i know it can't be you
not anymore
because i'm lost, craving the love
you were so willing to give
from the heart of a boy
who refuses to give it
who can't give it
who wouldn't give it

so i seek out affections from the hearts of boys who could never love me
wrap myself in it, shield myself in it
use it to wipe away my tears
because it's harmless, isn't it?
we're just friends.

and maybe i would have loved you,
if you had given me more time
but i wasn't ready
and i wouldn't be ready
until it was much too late

and maybe i could have loved you,
if you had been less intense
your designed love was much too fast
                                                   too quick
                                                   too easy
                                                   too harsh

and maybe i should have loved you,
because you would have given me your all
invested every minute you could into me,
and truly loved me with everything you could


oh, babe, i'm desperately sorry
for tying your heartstrings around my fingers
along with the promises i didn't keep
dragging you along through every wave of emotion
it was an ocean you didn't need to see
but i knew you loved the water.

becoming so in tune with my emotions feels like a mistake

I wish I could take it back and learn how to fall asleep sober

I remember making fun because "jo" was a boys name and I didn't apologize until there were tears in your eyes
I remember your long curly blonde hair and your crooked teeth
The baby fat on your face
The freckles across your nose
I remember you better than I remember him
We were only eight or nine
Falling in line
One After the other

But I've fallen in love with you over the years,
Thinking of you tenderly only when it hurts the most
And I desperately hope you're okay
(Or at least as okay as I claim to be)

it's easy to miss you
because my arms feel so empty
when you're not in them
and there's nothing here
for them to hold
that's nearly as grand as you

i feel safety in your arms
i can see the sky through your eyes
and your arms have begun
to feel like home

i forget to breathe
but your fingers
tight around my throat
remind me how to

I don't like you.
I never liked you.
I didn't like you when you started dating my best friend because you had a ****** sense of humor and she deserved better.
I didn't like you when you hit on me despite dating my best friend, and when you told her all the things you thought I was better at than her (despite her being just as great if not greater than me!)
I didn't like you when she finally left you.
I didn't like you when you used every manipulation tactic you could think of trying to get her back.
I didn't like you when in your resulting depression you told me you loved me.
I didn't like you when you stalked my blog.
I didn't like you when you seemingly gave up and deleted your own.
I didn't like you when you created a new one and decided to message me.
I didn't like you when I responded. I didn't know who you were, and when I found out I stopped.
I didn't like you when you attempted to readd me on social media despite me deleting you.
I didn't like you when you decided to send me Snapchats although I didn't accept your request.
I didn't like you when you decided to tell me you loved me again.

If you're wondering why you can't see any of my **** online anymore, this is why.

It's absolutely incredible that something as small and meaningless as i feel my existence to be can find something so incredible as you in my lifetime
You have small galaxies in your eyes, warm light brown surrounded by shiny green where so many great ideas live and breathe and thrive
You have strong shoulders and arms from a sustainable work of lifting and carrying and moving and helping and i cannot help but feel anything but safe wrapped in them
I've known you fully for so long and it's been simply amazing to watch you become the man you are today and i feel so incredibly lucky to take a part of it

I hope you sleep next to me just as you are now for the rest of our lives

yearning for orange-red and wind
she likes to go on long walks
down the streets of her home town
she feels most at home in these empty streets
walking alone
with nothing to hear but the wind in her hair
and her own thoughts.

maybe she liked being alone at first
and maybe she's gotten used to it
to where she's found an odd sort of
comfort in her own company,
"don't come close," she said.
"i won't let you hurt me again."

i've never felt more comfort
than of the heat that radiates
from your skin
i've never felt more alive
than with the love that comes
from your lips
and i want to hold you close
closer than i've ever held
anything

and i don't want to let go

where did you sleep last night?
in your own bed or the arms of another
trapped facing the corner
screams running through your mind

it's easy to do and it happens to the best
over and over and over
the emotions running over your chest
each a new kind of noise echoing
in your ears? in your soul
in your being through and through

your pale face, unrecognizable
Distraught
your mouth forms the words but they won't come out
You killed him! you killed him! you killed him!
blood on your hands, streaks on your face
Who? Who was he?
a young boy, no more than three
innocence, a feeling,
Where? Where is he?
I scream and I scream and I scream

and no sound comes out,

how do you learn yourself after years
of ignoring what that could be
chasing after dreams of potential popularity
so you write down your incomplete thoughts
as a means to get to know yourself

can't act like a person you don't know
unless you start trying

I've spent so much time in my own head I'm not sure if I know how to leave anymore

Sometimes I look out the windows and think about the things that could be

Then I turn away and go back to where it's warm and comfortable.

Recently, i cracked the window a little;
the breeze is nice.

today I had a bad day, filled with anger and tears
and I still feel the same emotions
I know their causes, meanings
and yet:
Numbers don't matter
I don't want to die

not anymore

although i'm still having dreams about him,
you're what i thought about
when i first woke up

i hope that's okay

your voice was as toxic as poison
and as alluring as a new song
trapped in your cycles
I found myself

I broke out, I broke free
I'm healthier than I could ever wish to be
I threw myself into school, work
I'm making new friends

I smoke a lot more, sure
but that's not the worst it could be
I haven't lost any weight
and I'm saving my money, see

So leave me be! Leave me alone!
Your toxins don't deserve my mind