Holly

Holly Oct 2015

It Fades

The photos are frozen time.
Not just mine.
But yours.
Theirs.
All.

Once upon a time photos reflected exactly what they are.
Memories.

They were dull.
Colourless.
Unfocused.

But today they shine so bright.
Images reminding us each time we see them, how real things were.

How real we loved.
How real we cared.
How much we cried.
How much we laughed.
How much we miss.

They remind us vividly with their glow;
It all fades.

The laughter fades into the distance.
The tears fade into the atmosphere.
The caring fades to disregard.
This missing fades to hate.

And the love. Well it simply fades.

The simple way it always has.
The way you always remember.

The way in which your parents stop turning off your bedroom light.
The way in which a friend forgets to call.

The way in which your touch will fade.
The way in which I'll forget how soft your skin is.
The way in which you'll replace my warmth.

These four walls will become lonely again.
And I'll remember the one thing that never fades.

To be alone.
Just as the photographs I take.

I'm not good at these feelings.

#sad #depression #hate #alone #anxiety #goodbye #touch #fade #photographs

Holly Oct 2015

*******

It's all *******.
The way you smile at me.
The way you gaze into my eyes like you care.
The way you caress my face.
And the way you stroke my hair.

Its all lies.
When you make me feel special and unique.
You like the way that I ask questions.
You like the way i think.

It's all just things you've trained yourself to use.
Like all the selfish yous,
You're the worst I really think.

But then maybe I'm to blame since I approached you first.
Knowing that it's just a game
And I could never quench your thirst.

And now I have to decide...
To stick with the hurt and abuse.
Or do I suffer alone and at least value my worth?

Because I will not be second.

I wont have others fondled in my face.
I wont be yours to call when you leave the club alone.
Ugh.
Such distaste.

My mouth has become sour as I think of you.
I want to scream *******, but what an unlady like thing to do.

Meh.
I guess I don't care.
*******!
I'll repeat it in my head.
Because boys like you are pathetic.

Whatever.

Here's more words to go unread.

I'm the most complicated person ever and boys ****.

#love #lies #broken #sad #depression #lonely #anxiety

Holly Oct 2015

Again...

I ****** up again.
Found somebody new.

A you.

I find the worst of you.
But the purest of souls.
You all are genuine.
So I ****** up again.

My body and my heart say,
"use me"
Let me touch your skin.

But my soul..
She won't stop crying.
"Holly, why are you doing this again?

Don't you deserve for them to love you?
Don't you deserve to trust?
Don't you deserve the stars in the sky?
Why are you just playing with their lust?

One mistake, what's one to do?
But this second mistake.
Shame's on you."

But I don't want to listen to her.
This soul that lingers near.
If it wasn't for her,
I could just disappear.

I don't want to feel so fiercely.
I don't want to cry alone at night.
I just want him to hold me.
Even if it's not right.

So let me **** up again.
Let me pretend he cares.

Let me lay here sadly until he calls again.
Let me feel like someone loves me, even if we're not friends.

So won't you hold me closely?
Won't you smile at me?

Take this broken doll and play with her gently.

Because the yous are all the same. And I'm just as bad.

#love #heartbreak #broken #sad #depression #lonely #anxiety #touch #used

Holly Oct 2015

What I Wish I Knew

I wish I'd known,
The day I grew up,
How ****** up I'd be.

See, I was just a baby
When you all chose to play me,
And no one knows a thing.

You, you had some habits.
Some scars your own home had left.
And you had no clue what you let lurk around our beds.

You, you had some habits too.
And the day I waited on my rock for you,
You never came.

One moment we are together
The next we are far apart.
You knew about my sister.
How was I so far from thought.

I wish I knew that when I grew up
I'd never feel very clean.
I wish I knew I'd learn more views, than.
Man that person was mean.

I wish I knew I'd hate boys.
And I wish I knew I'd always aim to be used.

I wish I knew that no matter what I do,
I'll always feel abused.

Moods today.

#depression #life #anxiety #memories #dark #hurt #childhood

Holly Oct 2015

I Miss You, Stranger.

Familiar touch turned stranger.
I've been missing you lately, you know.
No I still don't love you...
But I wasn't ready to let you go.

I know that you're no good.
So pathetic you'd actually cheat.
I mean... I feel so awful for her...
We were both just thinking selfishly.

Selfishly... I guess that's it.
You selfishly wanted me then.
I selfishly want you now.
I wanted all your promises.
The friends we could have been...
You even wrote them down...
I carry the note in my wallet.
Broken words written in pen.
I keep it to remind me,
That a kiss will never make me feel that way again.

So wanted.
Your lips.
The focus of my attention.
Even in the photos I keep.
Your touch was the most gentle.
And yet also the most firm.
"How do you do it?"
I often wondered.

"I don't want you to knod your head.
I want you to tell me that you like it."
You taught me to use my voice again,
When for years I tried to fight it.

You showed me your heart
And told me your fears.
We discussed our families.
You let me see your tears.
You asked about my scars...
Why, when, where?
Even the boyfriend of six years...
He never noticed them there.

Maybe that's why I miss you.
Because you're unlike anyone else.
Everyone sees your outside.
But no one knows who you really are.
And now that we are close again,
You couldn't feel more far.

Promises, they're like me.
Always broken, never complete.
Sad because everyone that uses us
Are just about deceit.

But you've taught me too much to hate you.
Well...I guess maybe I love you a little now.
I wish I could keep at least friendship,
But the curtain is slowly closing now.
I try to say my last lines,
But you've already taken the final bow.

#love #ex #broken #lust #lost #friendship #you #miss #scar #ended

Holly Oct 2015

It's Not That I Don't Want You

"Would you ever... have *** with me?"

So what if I did?
What if I gave you all of me?
If I let you hear my cries...
If I let you feel my body shake...
What of it?

It's a simple thing.
A physical attraction?
For me, it's not so simple.

It means I wish I could trust you.

So let's say I did.
Let's say I told you it's okay.
I asked you to kiss me and prove how much you want me.

Let's pretend you slip on top of me
You kiss my neck hard and hold my hands above my head.
You'll smirk because you're excited that I want you.
You'll take it slow because you know I'll react the most.
But when I bite your lip and grip into your skin...
You won't be able to help yourself.

The desire you held for me until this time will overflow.
You'll get off because I want you to.
You'll be satisfied because you think I am too.

But you don't know a thing about my mind.

Because if I sleep with you,
That's all that we can be.
Every touch will turn to ***.
You won't hold me the same.
Because like you, my body craves attention.
But my mind, it's not so clear.
And if I choose to sleep with you,
You'd no longer feel near.

In your eyes I want you to want me.
I like the desperation in your touch.
If I choose to sleep with you, I will lose so much.
I want you to take my breath away.
You'd love to hear me scream.
For you it's simple desire.

But, I can't explain my feeling.

Nice to meet everyone here~

#friends #depression #lonely #desire #anxiety #lust #thoughts #*** #touch #welcome

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