no tsunami reached higher
no gasoline fuelled more fire
no conductor reached crescendo
no wall called protego
as loudly as my grief cried
to rip you back from that void
back to my side

you couldn't have stayed,
and I understand.
I am trying still to be that man
that man you kissed, caressed and threw
deep into the universe of loving you
but it's very hard to be that man, my dear
when you, my sun, cannot be here

it's difficult to see myself each morning
through the mirror of our bedroom
hand empty, where once yours was sewn
when we were young, how we stressed
that infinity was ours
and we were joint, dually blessed
  for years upon years, and all the hours

I know I was blessed- to have had you I am grateful
but I cannot help but be resentful
of the world in which I breathe
where endless love is trademarked
but thousands are left to grieve

and oh God, have I grieved, and cried and stared
at the empty space your death prepared
-I have clutched bottles in my fist
held fire between my teeth
crushed my footprints beneath rags
and rammed iron through my wrist
I have pulled away each eyelash
poured acid on my cheeks
cut away elbows, knees and fingertips
have stalled my breath for weeks

at what point will I realise
that this pain cannot compare
to the knowing and rejection
that you're no longer there?