It's not like I'm used to getting ignored
but I'm used to being invisible

While everyone's out with everyone
I'm being left alone

I'm not an interesting person
Thanks, I know that.

Some nights I feel a pain in my chest, beating against my rib cage, as if my heart were punching itself, as I sometimes do
My breaths grow shallow and it's hard to breathe
And I think
Tonight could be the night that I die
I could die with my heart and hipbones full of bruises, self inflicted, painted with my own brush strokes
And it's doesn't hurt as much as it should
And it's not as scary as it should be
I'm numb inside, starving my feelings until they survived off of scraps of words given to me, compliments I don't allow myself to receive
And I know that I am starving
But I still punch my stomach for growling
I tell myself that it is applauding but I know
I know
That it is not celebrating
It is crying
Yelling for help
And I want someone to hear
But I silence it with liters and liters of water
Drowning the girl in me that wants help
Drowning
And as I sink I stare at skeleton girls and worship them
Begging them
As if they could teach me how to shed my skin
Teach me how not to eat
How not to need
I am a withered plant hidden from the light
Wilted
I could be beyond help
But we'll never truly know
Until I am back in the sun

She was so lucky.
Friends.
Several of them.
All of them kind and real and amazing.
School.
So kind and real and amazing.
Nobody scans her as she walks the halls.
Nobody judges her every choice.

Nobody notices when she chooses to eat information instead of food.
Nobody realizes she notices the little glances just barely within her sight
     Or the muffled snickers
     Or the sly comments.

Nobody knows how absolutely aware she is.
Nobody hears her trembling breaths in the bathroom
silenced by the palm of her hand.
Nobody could ever know how hard it is to ignore all of it;
                                              how hard it is to not hate yourself;
                                              how hard it is to hide everything
carefully packaged under the confines of her undershirt.

Nobody can tell that inside those bulging rolls is simply a girl with social anxiety and insecurities beyond mental health.
Nobody sees her bury her feelings in her sparse salads and amaranthine assignments.
Nobody sees her.

On the Outside my smile seems to brighten up the room,
However , on the inside I hide a frown so deep.
On the outside I may seem tough and strong,
however, on the inside I’m sad and weak.
On the Outside nobody, not a single person knows what I’m going through,
However, on the inside I hide my personality.
On the outside I’m the girl with the laughter and a kind heart,
however, on the inside I’m battling my insecurities and envy.
On the Outside I’m the one crying desperately over a movie or injustice;
however, on the inside I’m shedding tears of sadness.
On the Outside I’m giving everyone love and hugs,
however, on the inside I’m the one desperate to be loved, to feel loved.
On the Outside I may not look broken,
However, on the inside  it’s hard for me to control this.
On the Outside I’m full of life, goals and aspirations
However, on the inside sadness, anger, & unbearable pain make it undesirable to live.
Through all that you see …On the Outside you see the disguise I have mastered,
however, on the inside lies all that I’m fighting.
And I am fighting …


Written by Layal Charara
Nights Spark
27/09/2017
11:49am

Red river run, down my hips
erode away my pain in a false sense of bliss
roaring river groans, silent to all but me
Red river runs, red drops let free
Blue bird sings as my only messenger
But small blue bird can't change the flow, no
Red river flows, I watch the river's reach
twist and turn, grow and grow