Vast approaching, carnivorous clouds
set to surround her
Choking her with their black ****
pregnant with both child and fear
she is unable to protect what she holds deep within her
Evil screams at her every turn she is lost
and she has nowhere to run

His putrid stench has returned
It resides within him
Redolent of whiskey
Nicotine stained
And she wants to retch
He has invaded her
****** her sanity
He can barely walk
He is disgusting

She fights with reality, desperate to disappear
Meditates to another land
Where her body is vacant and alone

To be pregnant with evil
Is to be punished
She can not be loved

His veins reach out and engulf her with such venom
That her throat is choked with
his sticky sour blood

Dying is her only chance
But her life is cruel
She must endure his foul, stinking breath
His beatings
His abuse
Desperately hoping, praying
That someone would **** him...

Cut off my head
and sew it down between my thighs
Wire my mouth open
It's more use to me down there
At least it can be filled with the filth of an elder non-gentleman
I have become a **** in my quest to open my fathers eyes

Be the contagious smile
Be the breath of fresh air
Be the one to lift their spirits
Even though life’s been unfair

Be the bold, bright light
Be the glow within the dark
Be the unwavering love
Even with your broken heart

Be this and be more
Show the world a different view
Be unconditional love
And one day it’ll return to you

All the streets and
All the seats
And all the ******
masks and feet

All the lines
In single file
Humanity lost
Afraid to smile

All the people
Scared to breathe
Whilst children wash
In ***** streams

All the oceans
full of ****
Because we couldn't
do our bit

Voting with
Agenda goals
Instead of with
Our hearts and souls

We ****** it up
And from behind
And all we needed
Was to be kind

Poem- To the past & present

Hanging from the shame
Of my privileged supremisist height
Choking on the knowledge
That until now
I didn't fight

Eyes silenced hard
From systemic white view
All lives don't matter
Until your lives matter too

A product of white history
I wish I could reverse
Where all mankind are equal
For real not just in verse

Anger and great shame
come banging on my soul
Prejudiced leden centuries
and inhumane forms of control

I promise from today
Your fight becomes my fight too
I pray you'll accept from my heart
This apology to you..........

-  I am sorry
I am sorry on behalf of my ancestors and the part of history that affects you.
I am sorry for any part I may have played through being only Non-racist instead of Anti-racist.
I am sorry that I didn't educate myself earlier.
I am sorry that it has taken yet another death, for me to stand up and fight.
I have always shot down racism with my words, but I have failed to completely understand it.
For these and more that I still have to learn, I am sorry.

Rainbows

I love rainbows
I love the fact that I’ve read how they are formed
Yet I select delete to forget it
To keep them magic
To keep the belief that they are caused by the sky’s happiness
To believe that the *** of gold
is a metaphor for love

I love rainbows
because it’s a faith that holds no judgment
A belief that requires no war
A vision that only gives warmth
and creates pleasure
A lightness in the sometimes days full of a dull dark grey

I love rainbows
because they are safe to love
And safety and love are what this world needs the most
If life was lived believing in the magic of rainbows
What a beautiful, colourful and wondrous world we’d be living in.

I love rainbows

And the man
Whose heart only opened
After a family size bucket from KFC
Had forgotten, love

When they tore away his boyfriend
Ripping out his entire reason for existence
An immense, cavernous void rushed in
Racing through his veins
A black hole
Dark
Incessant

Only acid swimming in the pit of his world
His appetite
Swollen with the strain of loss
that drains the last breath
The chest expanding
2,3,4 and hold
The inevitable last exhale
Like the puppy
he'd once witnessed die
in his younger years

But today is not his day

Salt tears, run towards his chin
And he wonders aloud
If they will enhance the flavour
seeping into the fried batter 
family size bucket
wrapped around the fear saturated skin
of the animal that deserved better

Or flow backwards?
Choking him into his early grave
He makes peace with either outcome
As yet another hole pops
in the only *****
he is unable to comfort

His deep fried donut world
Shades pulled down low
Sunken into daytime TV turning to night TV
Abandoned armchair side
Shakespeare pleading between the pages
His adoration for literature
Lost between the cracks in the blinds
Any hope of a love
Sunken beneath the board keys
He taps to replay his fantasies
The memories too distant now

The delivery man arrives
Extra pepperoni, chilli beef, mexican chicken, double cheese, suffed crust
His heart salavates for its next hit
Satiated finally
He falls into a deep slumber
And dreams of a time
Where his appetite
only yearns for love

There's a reflection of sunlight on my wall
And when it flickers
And I catch it out the corner of my eye
I pretend it's the face of someone
The face of you, maybe
Or the face of a clown
Laughing at me
Then the sun fades
And I'm alone again

Re-ject-ion
I can’t even type it whole
I’ve never said it out loud
I’ve whispered it
Like some people whisper the
word ***
But I’ll never be bold enough
to just say it
It’s the most heart wrenching
word ever created
It consumes my every thought
Yet I refuse to acknowledge it
exists
I prefer the words desired, accepted, loved.

I do not want this word Re-ject-ion

Remember when you were young

And the pavement smelt so sweet after the summer rain
Remember the golden fields behind your best friends house
The corn cuts and grass stains on tiny legs  remember never complaining of pain

The farmers ponds and bluebells a plenty
Empty fishing nets and happy, gapped teeth smiles
Dragonflies chasing butterflies and faces towards the sun
Remember ice creams and cider pops
And always having fun

Remember grazed knees and quickly dried tears
Handstands on garden walls,
sunflowers, and cartwheels,
Soft grass underfoot
remember no fears

Water fights and mosquito flights against the setting sun
With muddy shoes, broken bikes, fizzy sweets
Climbing to dizzy heights

The smell and love for your favourite tree
Above the brook where you'd swing and feel ........completely free
Those days there was no way that you wanted to go home
Sit indoors
Didn't own a phone

Dinner time came just as your tummy began to chatter
And you'd cycle home, broken chain, ***** clothes,
Didn't matter
Tomorrow's adventures already lay awaiting
As you'd lie in bed
Fall softly to sleep
Always dreaming
Always creating

Remember when you were young

I'd like to take my brain out
For a few quiet days of peace
Diazepam and wine bring only temporary release

I'd like my brain to have a rest
Somewhere it can be free
Away from all the troubles and woes
Away from babysitting me

I think I'd send it on a
fishing boat
far far out to sea
To give it a chance to see the stars
and giggle to itself with glee

And my head may rest
Where the ocean kisses the sand
And you may find me
Between my heart
And your hand

Your hand that grips mine
And I'm safe down on the shore
The ocean calls for my soul
But my heart cries for you more

Will you take the place
Of the waves beneath my feet
Take the moon and her tide
As my independence, gently retreats

Saved by words

You'll find me reading ****** novels,
you see me read romance.
I might be reading Kermit the frog or best views in the south of France.

I'll read to forget, I'll read to sail away
To learn of heroes like Jonny Cash
and how life was in his day.

I'll read so that my mind expands and so my heart can grow
I'll read and I'll immerse myself, from head right down to toe.

I'll read to stop me drinking,
I'll read to stop my tears.
I'll read so much and for so long that I'll forget my fears.

Reading is what saved my life
and writing helps my soul
I'll never stop to read and write
It's all that keeps me whole.

✒️Self forgiveness

She woke alone
lying naked
her mattress bare
except for
the lonely echo
of her beat-less heart

A calendar
void of any dates
hung solemnly
above her bed
Invitations
had
gradually ceased to arrive
no calls
no letters
no texts
found their way in
through her damp
dark walls

Years of guilt
had
led to a mountain
of unwritten RSVPs
as she hid
her self-hatred
from any
that endeavoured
to help

Convinced
By emptiness
Convinced
By a colossal

Void

Grown tough
Evolved stern
Solid
Vacuous
Dead

Awoken
By a softening
tenderness that
was not of her own
She became still
Her spirit
Her soul
Inhaled
Exhaled
Into her heart

today
was different
somehow
Today
she felt the ocean waves whisper to her soul
“Come to us and forgive”
“Come to us, and forgive yourself”

She felt the warmth
from the tiny pebbles
beneath her
as she connected
with nature
She found
her way back
to her heart

A poem for Tinder.

You look at his photo and think 'he looks hot'
then look at the next one and say 'maybe not'.

The next one is too short and has the wrong hair,
you're making snap judgements it's not really fair.
You swipe and you swipe but none to the right,
you must find one soon or be swiping all night.

The next one looks pretty but has not took the time,
to write he likes dogs or thinks veggies are fine.
You swipe left and swipe left and again you swipe right.
You must not be beautiful, no matches tonight.

You pin all your hopes on that very first date,
you dream of the first kiss, you hope he's not late.
He walks in the bar and you smile a fake smile,
you think of excuses but will stay a short while.

How shallow you are that you won't give it time,
he might have a good heart, he might be just fine.

He's says that he's sorry but can't stay that long,
he's making excuses, and you wore your best thong!

How dare he decide before you've even spoke,
then picks up his drink, goes outside for a smoke.
You sigh and decide to pick up your phone,
a new match from Tinder, you can't get wait to get home.

You sit in your flat, shopping for men,
you swipe left then swipe right and start over again.

I fight you in the morning
I fight you before I sleep
I fight you when I'm lonely
In pain or feeling weak

I fight hardest during the dark
It gets easier during the light
But the grey days are the tricky
ones
These days I strengthen the fight

I fight because I'm worn out
And it would be easier to leave
the daily pain and struggle
behind a long forgotten dream

I fight you for the people
That I would leave behind
But to fight you for myself alone
The reason I can't find

There was a dead spider in my sink
I have arachnophobia so it made my heart stop
I just stood there
Blood drained from me
Looking at this lost life
Wondering if it had a partner
Or little spider kids
That would miss it

I felt sad
Yet still scared
Ridiculous really
Maybe it was a female out searching for food
Or maybe she'd eaten her male donor
Maybe it was a him
And he'd run away to save himself.

It was under the dish bowl
I wondered if it had drowned
Or just starved to death
I found myself curious as to what it last thought about
If it was able to speak
What it's last words would have been

Maybe it was relieved
Maybe drowning is better than being eaten alive by an unthankful lover
Or by being captured in my humane catcher which sadly often broke legs
Maybe it just simply thought "Help"

I'll never know
But I do know I'll think about him or her until I think of them no more
Which might be months

I was sky watching
I was smaller than the corn
Leave the curtains open
I’m not too tired
I’m not ready for bed
I’m sky watching
Until I’m taller than the corn

(Snake eyes)

Step over
I want to see through your
Snake eyes
Let me see what you fail to hide
Crack open your lies and greed
Expose what's hiding inside

Behind your facade of sorrow
Lies a soul that's bitter and black
The ******* you wear of honour
To conceal before you attack

The persona you created
Is permeated
with a gluttony for money
and pelf
You're redolent of deception
Dishonesty
Bad liver
and a ****** dark health

I can see through you
Snake eyes
Now your camouflage
is gradually failing
The cracks are slicing your veins
As your lies begin derailing

You'll never know happiness
Snake eyes
You'll never feel loved or respected
You're doomed to spend eternity
Snake eyes
In your darkness
A hell only you created

Poem written on my way home today

"SPACES "


There are spaces between my head, heart, soul and my breath
They are the spaces where I can survive
Like the nooks of an ancient tree

Spaces that I can saturate with happy memories
That I leave unbarred in all weathers
As within these small places, I can switch off everything from this 3D life

The gaps are at times, slight,
like the seems between you're favourite jumper
Or as vast as the stretch between each coming wave of the ocean.
But no matter the breadth
I trust the matter

And as I stood within the pouring rain
No shelter did I seek
Thunderous, all encompassing
Saturating
The type that lands and resides inside the centre of your bones
So deep and so cleansing
There is no question that you have been washed pure
Untainted

And as the lightning placed its memory behind my eyes
Where even my own mind blurs the vision
And penetrated my ears
Where once upon I couldn't hear
I heard the power speak to me
And with no further resistance
I submitted

I respected
Related
Repented.....
Not to your God
Not to any God
Because no God belongs to anyone
But to a place that I knew
Understood me....

And to feel this?
To feel emersed
To trust in
To give power to.........
A smaller ego and love is all that's needed....
❤️

Submissive

Peel me raw with your voice
Undress my mind with your wit
Scrape my bones with your laughter
******* blood, so I submit

Pluck out my heart with your soul
Rip through my spine with your mind
Extract my juice with your desperate eyes
Make me love you till my eyes go blind

Take your needle, and paint my skin
Tattoo over, under and across my territory, so they won't see inside me
Pervade my body with rainbows of pain

With Striking colours, hide the black and grey mass of my being

Take my skin to another land
Where flowers bloom, fairytales live and rainbows glow
Where my heart is hidden

I hide myself well, my skin draped with powerful ink
It's how I protect
How I live behind
How I survive

Thank you for breaking me

When I found all the pieces of myself

I rearranged them before putting them back together

And I became a new whole

I was there you ****
I watched you do it
I wanted to put a bullet through it

Through your head
Then watch your face
And all your cronies
Fall from grace

A grace in which you never deserved
From all the horrors that you served

Up

Like it was tea and cake
And all the time you're running fake

Fake

Because you
Lied and swore
All the lives you
***** and tore

Apart

just so you could rule
Belittle
Squash
And ridicule

You're poison
You're vile
You're redolent of ****
And all the flies
That thrive on it

If I were queen
I'd cut your throat
Tear down the flags
And prose you

wrote

from a hate so dark
Inside a vessel
Blackened heart

One day
I will drain this land
And all the good will understand
That you and yours
Could not survive
Not if we're
To stay alive

The circus

I'm running to join the circus
I know it's a place I'll fit in
My smile painted on by the clowns
Hiding the sadness within

I'm running to join the circus
Away from a life of pain
Where the colours and laughter of children
Bring sunshine in place of cold rain

I'm running to join the circus
I just want my heart to feel free
Flying around the big top
With the other clowns, the pretenders
And me.

The day the break broke

It gingerly staggers up,
like a lamb to his mother
Transformation begins
A little wobbly at first
A touch untrusting of
it’s sincerity
But it is there

Then the breath becomes easier
More natural
Deeper with less thought needed
Like the coming and going
of the tide
the breath of the ocean

Appetite calls from the distance
It’s been too pregnant with the heart sickness
to wave to you until now
Your senses begin to stretch
and yawn
as your stomach
takes a peep outside
and begins to yearn for nourishment

Fever of the heart has broken
It’s time to heal
to lick your wounds
To build up and nurture
that self love
that went running into the hills
and hid between the woods

It’s time to fight back
To forgive
Seek out your truth
And your magic
And believe in love again

The sand beneath my feet
That wormed itself
Then burried under my chest
Where my heart decided the days fate
Was always just full of the food caught between the Devil's teeth
And the space God reserved for those with a passion of falling.

His lengthy and greesy hand prints
Invaded my retinas
And I'd be left silently weeping
Praying
That he does no more harm

If he'd demolished marshmallows
Like a child
The feeling would be soft
Fillowy clouds under foot
Your mother's swimming costume
The first feathers of a new born owl

But he'd gnawed at the bones of an animal deserving better
And I'd feel the sharp glass filled with despair
Ripping my stomach and the spaces
between my ribs like drops of acid
The edges sharp
The middles angry

And as time went by
And the shadow of him followed me
From Hill to Hill
Mountain to Mountain
River through to the Oceans
I realised
I knew beyond the bees sting
And the bite of the apple
That I was an unwilling desciple ....

How the night would steel my throat
And bargain with the moon to leave my voice behind,
as tiny as the pebbles that the sea spat out with embarrassment

And I would just give in
Worn and torn
Exhausted from my fingertips,
screaming
And holding up my hands
To any higher power
To please take me away
Even if for a moons changing
To the summers light

Powerless to breathe
And the grains of sand
Laughing at our stupidity
Will bury themselves until the next self sented beings
That will carry our shame
To their finger tips
And melt like the devil
Who came to dinner
And ate those that deserved better.

Lay down beside me
my love
turn your limbs to become mine
wrap your skin and hold close, to bond yourself to me
Let the light within you dissolve into me
and feel warm.

Lay down beside me
my love
Let your breath flow deep into my breath
help me be still
as mine will surely fail before dawn.

Lay down beside me
my love.
Let my soul teach to your soul, every beautiful word
every song and every thought of kindness
Keep searching for great hearts
and be brave.

Lay down beside me
my love
Push your heart within me
to beat as mine begins to fade. Let us be one
just as the first time
As this my darling
my other
my fallen half
will be the last scene
in a life very few will conceive.

Lay down beside me
my love.
Feel how great we are
Never let that greatness fall. Remember me clearly with eyes of love and see what I see. Never mistrust your deepest thoughts
they are our thoughts
we built them together.

Lay down beside me
my eternal love
I have not let you down
The light I give will be your strength
My deepest thanks to you
my love
For you
my fallen half
is what made my heart so beautiful.

The love effect

Open your arms
And with no fear
Give that person a hug
And tell them you appreciate them
Even if they don't reciprocate
Weaken the cement in your self made wall
Breakdown your stubborn barriers

Love breads love
That person somehow, somewhere deep down
Will feel a little joy from your gesture
They might manifest this joy
And give that same gesture to someone else
And thus it continues
Love spreads love

Your love may not be returned
from the one to which you gave
But the giving of unconditional love
will attract love back to you in ways
you won't believe
Overcome the awkwardness
Overcome the fear of rejection
And give out love

So go ahead
Tell that person that you love them or appreciate them
or you're grateful for them,
or all three
and more......
And wait as the ripple effect takes place
And waves of love will eventually be returned to you.

Love is magic
It breaks down barriers
It heals scars and wounds
It can end all feuds
You can be a part of this today

Open your arms
And with no fear
Give that person a hug.....

The machine

I broke from a sprint
To an infinite fast run
The flowers and trees
That held my heart
Flashing by
Like ***** rainbows

The heals of my kindness
Dug deep into the terrain
Toenail tips blackened
Ankles twisted
Insteps arched knowingly

The machine
All encompassing
Held you
Extracted the sum of your parts
Empty where you lay

Your soul
Hovered above us
Unclear instructions
And you flew away

Lucifer arrived in a dream
That very night
Twisting and bargaining
Grabbing at all I had left

I broke from my sprint
Into my infinite fast run
***** rainbows my new norm

My sacrifice?
I can't ever stop running.....

Poem, The old wheelbarrow

"She felt forgotten, antiquated, awkward
Ill-fitted, incapable, unsuitable, worthless, barren, meaningless, mediocre, unessential and trivial.
AND A BIG FAT INCONVENIENCE.........

Her capacity for anything and everything dwindling as an over ripened apple loses its juice, any strength drained, sapped, starved and strained each time a new **** began it's desperate life, each flower that bloomed before her, somehow rendered her invisible.

Held together by the rust that life eventually bestows upon us all.
Tyres deflated, wheels that no longer held hunger for new adventures.
Nuts and bolts that had long since argued and permanently fallen out with one another, the rust settled between them enduringly as the woodworm to its dinner.

She was a sorry excuse for a once beautiful, strong and hard working wheelbarrow and she had almost given up................

✨️Ahhhhhhhh, but her wisdom!!!! All those years.......What of that?????✨️

She'd always listened,
absorbed,
but never knowingly spoke of this
What she had yet to learn,
Was that she had housed each tiny living organism.
She'd provided honey for the bees, and in doing so, life for the world.
She hadn't set any world records,
(No)

She hadn't knowingly saved any lives,
(Yes)
but she'd protected,
given out her wisdom freely
and all with so much love.

Absorbed carbon dioxide and fizzed out oxygen.
Given love in abundance and rarely asked for any in return
She had given a safe space for the thoughts, secrets and words of her sapling flowers

She'd been self sufficient, self reliable, independent, indestructible, valuable, knowledgeable, needed, wanted, desired, capable.... Oh. So. Capable.

The rust, the flat tires, the weakness of strength both in body and in mind, is just a part of being the best version that you can be.
To carry on regardless for yourself and for your flowers."

***It's taken me all **** day, but I no longer see a worn out and batteted wheelbarrow.
I see a vessel of immense strength, determination and an abundance of love ❤️

The ones you don't see...

We dream dark,
we dream deep,
we dream awake
whilst you sleep.

Reality is our loneliness
Our fantasy is real,
We'll take whatever we can,
just as long as we don't feel.

We live off adrenaline,
we don't know how to not,
We'll do anything it takes,
to make the emptiness stop.

There are many of us living,
but you'll never know who,
We walk, talk and smile,
just like the rest of you.

But our hearts are on fire,
And we need to feel alive,
we're the Clyde to your Bonnie
or the Bonnie to your Clyde.

We only come out at night,
Just as the darkness falls,
there is no point in fighting,
When the darkness inside us calls.

We will jump when we have to,
The stars our ours to take,
We are the writers and the artists,
We hide before you wake

You'll find us in the shadows,
Hidden behind our dreams,
Our minds dreaming of far-away lands,
Our hearts ripped at the seams.

We are misfits, we are outlaws,
the ones that you don't trust,
But if you're lucky to be one of us,
our friendship is a must.

We can not be tamed,
And we never fall in love,
Unless you are the one,
And only then
We never give up.

We dream dark,
we dream deep,
we dream awake
whilst you sleep.

Reality is our loneliness
Our fantasy is real,
We'll take whatever we can,
just as long as we don't feel.

We live off adrenaline,
we don't know how to not,
We'll do anything it takes,
to make the emptiness stop.

There are many of us living,
but you'll never know who,
We walk, talk and smile,
just like the rest of you.

But our hearts are on fire,
And we need to feel alive,
we're the Clyde to your Bonnie
or the Bonnie to your Clyde.

We only come out at night,
Just as the darkness falls,
there is no point in fighting,
When the darkness inside us calls.

We will jump when we have to,
The stars are ours to take,
We are the writers and the artists,
We hide before you wake.

You'll find us in the shadows,
Hidden behind our dreams,
Our minds dreaming of far-away lands,
Our hearts ripped at the seams.

We are misfits, we are outlaws,
the ones that you don't trust,
But if you're lucky to be one of us,
Our friendship is a must


We can not be tamed,
And we never fall in love,
Unless we find the one,
And only then
We never give up.

And I am glad
After a possible 60 years
With the man I love
That the world won't comment

That the people won't discuss
How I should feel
How my children should feel
Because I wasn't born to the public

Oh my gladness
Oh the relief
That I was born of the working
That memes will not terrorise my family
And my great loves will not suffer
As your patriarchy bestows

The rescue

My severed starved soul
sought solace within your eyes
When my broken bloodied heart
had banished hope from too many lies

My culled but courageous cries
reached out for your hands to save
Your voice, tone and warmth
taught me to love, to fight, to be brave

Fear vanished from my eyes
As you wove through my pain
with your soul
I was reborn, rebuilt, reclaimed
I am yours, you are mine
We are whole.

It's nothing to do with an apple or snake
It's just power and greed
And the willing to take-
whatever they feel is theirs by right
Willing to die for
Manufactured to fight

The belief that in their god they trust
A promise of forever
Hearts of rust
Whatever religion
No matter the prayer
Evil can prevail
God doesn't care

Or maybe it's just their skin you despise
Believing you're greater
Ignoring their eyes-
that you'd see
If only you looked beyond
To see one world
Where we all belong

Their gender, their preference, the way that they live
Your God says it's wrong
That he can not forgive


But you do not see with your heart so black
blinded by arrogance
Always on the attack
You're killing this world
Emitting your hate
We've run out of time
It's probably too late

I have to run to the sea,
my love
Or my heart will explode into space
Instead it makes waves
for all to feel
my love
And leaves a warm smile
on their face

Trees

I saw two hearts
Within two trees

Then I saw my fate
Within their leaves

I felt my love dwindle
Within its roots

Because I saw my past
In its rotten fruits